Help. (About animals dying and young children).

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Here's the situation. We have two dogs. Right now, they are living with my parents because I don't have room for both and I couldn't split them up. One of the dogs is 9 years old and very sick. We think she is probably going to pass on soon. While we are all going to be upset, I am very worried about explaining to my daughter. She is 4.5, and has never dealt with death before. And this particular dog happens to be the one she calls "her dog" and she is very close to her. When we leave my parents to go home, DD always talks about how much she misses her dog, etc.

 

I'm very, very concerned about this. I'm going to be dealing with my own sadness, but is there anything I can do to make it better for DD? We are at my parents now and I can't decide if it will be easier for her if we stay here and she is around, or if we go home. My gut says that if she is here and gets to spend time with and say goodbye to the dog that is better than us being at home and the dog just being gone when we come back.

 

Any experiences? Anything I can do to make it easier for her would be much appreciated.

(I should add that she is pretty sensitive, especially about animals. The humane society commercials that have that sad music and all the sad animals? She cries.)

 

Help!

[Brigitte]

I would begin preparing her by talking about the dog being sick and how this could end up. I found being pretty straight forward with my kids about it worked well. They asked questions, sometimes not right away, and I gave them honest answers that they could process at their given age. One thing they have picked up on is that pet will go to heaven and be able to play with my childhood pet. Not sure you want to go there, but they did and that gave them great comfort.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I still miss my old dog sometimes, not her barking or shedding, but all the rest of her. :grouphug:

[Peela]

I think it would be a good opportunity to be matter of fact, and real, about the fact of death, while at the same time being empathic. All things die. My experience is that young children can be wonderful teachers to us about the realities of death, as long as they are allowed to be themselves. They might cry, and release grief and sadness, but they wont hold onto the pain the way we tend to as adults. They will move on and heal quickly, if given the space.

[Farrar]

I don't have a lot of personal advice, but I do have a book suggestion: The Tenth Good Thing About Barney is the classic children's picture book about death and it's about the death of a pet. It's a beautiful little book and every library will have it. Since this is a sensitive subject and people from all different perspectives hang out here, I'll add that the book has no definitive religious answers or perspective. Different characters voice different opinions about pet heaven and it's really left up to the reader (or possibly, with some interpretative help, the parents) to decide about what happens after death.

[Lara in Colo]

I tell my children (and Myself) that all life is on loan to us from God. Just like library books, we have to give them back. They are safe and happy but we're not because we miss them.

 

Lara

[kalanamak]

http://www.amazon.com/Jaspers-Day-Marjorie-Blain-Parker/dp/1553377648/ref=pd_sim_b_9

 

although I like The Tenth Good Think About Barney at that age. However, it is does not sell "yes afterlife" over "no afterlife". Both are mentioned. Being sans-theistic, I really don't know what percentage of religious folks think only humans have an afterlife. If you think that way, this book would be doubly offensive. If you don't mind the ambiguity, it is a moving book.

 

I have always told my son, sincerely, that I appreciate death as a "friend" in some circumstances, that I would not want to live forever, and I quote that old Greek: death is nothing to us, for when we are it has not come; and when it has come, we are not. He has not shown a distinct death anxiety, and has had a cat, a dog, 2 grandparents, and an uncle die in his memory. I think the calm take on the limitations of life I present has been the most important influence.

:grouphug: Remember your other dog will probably mourn, and perhaps focusing on that dog's well-being will bring out the best in her.

[elfgivas]

i'd be gently honest with her. and i'd read to her:

fall of freddy the leaf

Badger's Parting gifts

up in heaven (i almost didn't get this one because i wasn't so sure about the depiction of heaven, but it worked for our 3 year old when her old dog died, in part because it is about an old dog, and in part because it dealt gently and well with feeling sad...)

 

hth,

ann

[Kate CA]

I think it would be a good opportunity to be matter of fact, and real, about the fact of death, while at the same time being empathic. All things die. My experience is that young children can be wonderful teachers to us about the realities of death, as long as they are allowed to be themselves. They might cry, and release grief and sadness, but they wont hold onto the pain the way we tend to as adults. They will move on and heal quickly, if given the space.

 

This has been my experience too - even with children I thought would be very distraught. They were sad and cried, but they were not devastated over it. Death is a reality and 4.5 isn't too young to learn that. At least it is a dog and not a close family member. That is much harder IMO.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

You guys are all wonderful. Thanks for the book recommendations, I will definitely be checking them out and seeing if they could work for us. I guess I'm just so concerned because to me she's still my little baby, and I want to make this tough situation as easy as possible for her. I'll be dealing with my own grief, as well as trying to deal with DD and my other dog, who will both be grieving also. It seems so silly I guess, especially to non-pet owners, but our dogs are so much a part of our family, and it is really hard to face this.

[Mom in High Heels]

We just went through this last week. We're still going through it and it's hard. Indy is 7, so a bit older than your dd, but it's the same situation. When we told him, he cried. A lot. We all cried. He went and laid down on his bed for a while because he was sad. We let him and when he was ready, he came back out and we talked about her (our beloved dog of 14 years). He then asked if he could go out and play. That night when he went to bed, he cried again and the next morning, told me how much he missed her. He started carrying around a small stuffed pug that looked like her because he said it made him feel better. He didn't take it everywhere, just to sit on the sofa with him and while he was in the house and he sleeps with it in addition to his teddy bear.

We had a ped appt 2 days after we lost her (for other reasons) and I talked to the ped about what we should do. She said we should just let him grieve in his own way. She also said we needed to let him see us grieve so he knew that it was okay to feel the way he does. It's been almost a week now and every day we talk a little about her and how much we miss her. It's very hard for me and dh (we are grieving very hard, we had her since she was 6 weeks old and she was our first baby), but we try to talk about something every day that we loved about her or that made us laugh. Indy likes it when I tell him stories about how much she loved him when he was a baby and how she slept under his crib and would cuddle up to him when he was on the floor. It's difficult for me to talk sometimes, but it helps him and in a way helps me.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Make sure you grieve too. The ped told me that. She said if we didn't grieve it would be harder on Indy and in the long run harder on us. I have to be honest and say I've spent a lot of time laying on the sofa this week. Dh had to take the next day off work because he kept crying. We're a bunch of softies. This whole week we've all been very lethargic. It sounds bad to be this upset over a dog, but she was part of our family for 14 years. It's hard to get used to life without her. It's like part of us is missing.

Big hugs to you and your family.

[tex-mex]

You guys are all wonderful. Thanks for the book recommendations, I will definitely be checking them out and seeing if they could work for us. I guess I'm just so concerned because to me she's still my little baby, and I want to make this tough situation as easy as possible for her. I'll be dealing with my own grief, as well as trying to deal with DD and my other dog, who will both be grieving also. It seems so silly I guess, especially to non-pet owners, but our dogs are so much a part of our family, and it is really hard to face this.

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney is a great one -- used it for my first grade class when a child's pet died years ago.

[NanceXToo]

You've been given some good suggestions for books to read with your child.

 

But for YOU, here's a site I found back when my now 9 y/o daughter was about 5 and starting to ask hard questions about death...there is some REALLY great/helpful info here!

 

http://www.buddhanet.net/r_talkcn.htm

[unsinkable]

Here's the situation. We have two dogs. Right now, they are living with my parents because I don't have room for both and I couldn't split them up. One of the dogs is 9 years old and very sick. We think she is probably going to pass on soon. While we are all going to be upset, I am very worried about explaining to my daughter. She is 4.5, and has never dealt with death before. And this particular dog happens to be the one she calls "her dog" and she is very close to her. When we leave my parents to go home, DD always talks about how much she misses her dog, etc.

 

I'm very, very concerned about this. I'm going to be dealing with my own sadness, but is there anything I can do to make it better for DD? We are at my parents now and I can't decide if it will be easier for her if we stay here and she is around, or if we go home. My gut says that if she is here and gets to spend time with and say goodbye to the dog that is better than us being at home and the dog just being gone when we come back.

 

Any experiences? Anything I can do to make it easier for her would be much appreciated.

(I should add that she is pretty sensitive, especially about animals. The humane society commercials that have that sad music and all the sad animals? She cries.)

 

Help!

 

You got great advice.

 

I wanted to add... I have to change the channel when this commercial comes on. Maybe you should for your dd, too. You wouldn't want her to have those images in her head at such a young age.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

You got great advice.

 

I wanted to add... I have to change the channel when this commercial comes on. Maybe you should for your dd, too. You wouldn't want her to have those images in her head at such a young age.

 

Oh, I do. Most of the time the TV is on, it is on channels like Nick and Disney, so we rarely see them. But occasionally we watch game shows or something else on an adult channel and they pop up. Of course I change it right away, but if she catches even a second of it she gets all upset.

[unsinkable]

Oh, I do. Most of the time the TV is on, it is on channels like Nick and Disney, so we rarely see them. But occasionally we watch game shows or something else on an adult channel and they pop up. Of course I change it right away, but if she catches even a second of it she gets all upset.

 

:grouphug: