Sticky Coop Situation, advice?

[Anne in CA]

I have been a regular on this board in the past, but I haven't read or posted for a long time. I would love to hear some different viewpoints on my issue to help me think clearly.

 

My kids go to a hs coop once a week every week for three sessions a year. I really like this group of people even though most of them are more about homeschooling to keep their kids innocent than academic reasons. But lots of them are following the WTM and there are lots of classes that are inspired by the WTM for my kids to take.

 

When we joined I got a call from the head of the coop after four weeks of class because it turned out that my kids had been misbehaving in classes from day one. No one had said anything, even though there is supposed to be a policy in place about letting parents know about misbehavior. I was not monitering their classes and was volunteering elsewhere to give them some space from me during the coop. There were leaders in every instance of bad behavior but no one told me. I had a meeting with two of the leaders, and my kids were straightened out.

 

There were no problems until a few weeks ago when I had another call. My son had been belittling two kids who are younger than him during one of his classes. The teacher had let it go for three weeks of class before talking to me. By then by their discipline policy he had to be removed from the coop for the rest of the term. He was wrong and I disciplined him and he did great in class the following week. The week after that though he said something he shouldn't have to a seven-year-old and he was removed for the rest of the term.

 

My dh and I worked very hard with him, and he has tried hard to improve his behavior toward his little sister to show us that he can be kind toward those that are younger than him. To be fair to him he is very kind to children much smaller than he is, he seems to joke inappropriately with kids that are just three or four years younger than he.

 

All that aside, I wonder if I am foolish to sign up for the spring term of the coop when the leaders are not following their own discipline guidelines. This is the second time this has happened, and in both cases I think things would have gone much differently if I had been made aware of these issues early on. My son does well in scouts and at church. At the time of the first discipline issue he had just won an award in Kid's Church for good behavior so I had no idea there was a problem. When I teach a class I tell the parent picking up the child if their child misbehaved during class. I think that is reasonable.

 

Am I missing something? Does anyone have thoughts for me? TIA.

[KIN]

Just quickly answering, I would only put your ds back in the class if *you* would be there to monitor things. If he is acting up, doing it repeatedly even *after* you have disciplined him, I don't think he should be allowed to be in a class without your supervison. Then, I would talk, talk, talk to your ds every *single* day of class and remind him what the expectations are, what the consequences will be and follow it through. Just my 2 cents!

[WTMindy]

I have been a regular on this board in the past, but I haven't read or posted for a long time. I would love to hear some different viewpoints on my issue to help me think clearly.

 

My kids go to a hs coop once a week every week for three sessions a year. I really like this group of people even though most of them are more about homeschooling to keep their kids innocent than academic reasons. But lots of them are following the WTM and there are lots of classes that are inspired by the WTM for my kids to take.

 

When we joined I got a call from the head of the coop after four weeks of class because it turned out that my kids had been misbehaving in classes from day one. No one had said anything, even though there is supposed to be a policy in place about letting parents know about misbehavior. I was not monitering their classes and was volunteering elsewhere to give them some space from me during the coop. There were leaders in every instance of bad behavior but no one told me. I had a meeting with two of the leaders, and my kids were straightened out.

 

There were no problems until a few weeks ago when I had another call. My son had been belittling two kids who are younger than him during one of his classes. The teacher had let it go for three weeks of class before talking to me. By then by their discipline policy he had to be removed from the coop for the rest of the term. He was wrong and I disciplined him and he did great in class the following week. The week after that though he said something he shouldn't have to a seven-year-old and he was removed for the rest of the term.

 

My dh and I worked very hard with him, and he has tried hard to improve his behavior toward his little sister to show us that he can be kind toward those that are younger than him. To be fair to him he is very kind to children much smaller than he is, he seems to joke inappropriately with kids that are just three or four years younger than he.

 

All that aside, I wonder if I am foolish to sign up for the spring term of the coop when the leaders are not following their own discipline guidelines. This is the second time this has happened, and in both cases I think things would have gone much differently if I had been made aware of these issues early on. My son does well in scouts and at church. At the time of the first discipline issue he had just won an award in Kid's Church for good behavior so I had no idea there was a problem. When I teach a class I tell the parent picking up the child if their child misbehaved during class. I think that is reasonable.

 

Am I missing something? Does anyone have thoughts for me? TIA.

 

I would do one of two things. The first would be to be in his classroom with him so that you can keep an eye on things. It sounds like he still needs some guidance about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. The second option would be to talk to the teacher before class and ask her to please let you know if there are *any* problems at all. Let her know you are working on his behavior. Then, make sure you check back after each class.

 

I don't think dropping out is the answer because this seems like a place where he can practice and improve on this skill. I'm sorry this happened. I'd be annoyed too if I had not been made aware of the problems.

[ThelmaLou]

I would avoid signing up if you're not certain that you'll be told immediately about behavior issues. If you can be there to monitor, I'd go ahead and do it. But it's a disservice to him to be in a situation where he can misbehave and know his parents won't be told. It's unfortunate that these teachers won't abide by the co-op policies.

[Leah]

Agreeing with this great advice! And to stress the importance of either you being there or you doing the checking-I direct our local co-op and know that it sometimes very, very tough to connect with parents right ofter a class. This is not to excuse the teachers as they should have talked to you, especially if they have this policy. But your pro-active steps can help this situation.

 

Being that he is able to behave in other situations, it does sound like he might need some extra training in interacting with children a couple years younger. It sounds like there is a wide range of ages in each class so maybe he doesn't face this same situation in church or scouts?

 

We have dealt with similar behavior here and sometimes it can be caused by the younger children egging the older one on. Could that be happening here? The alders still need to learn self-control, but this can complicate the situation. I would really want to understand if my child was simply instigating the trouble. Is he comfortable joking around appropriately with kids his own age?

[Danestress]

You know, I had one child (out of three) who sometimes misbehaved that way. It's totally stressful for a parent.

 

It used to really annoy me that the teacher would not call me the first time he started misbehaving, but would wait. I felt like if I knew early on, I could really reall make a big difference. Like your son, my son was mostly trying to be entertaining, and didn't always behave appropriately. He wasn't mean. He wasn't a bully, he just was more invested in entertaining other kids than in being respectful.

 

But I do think it's human nature not to want to call parents with the first problem. The "policy" that they will contact parents just isn't going to make every teacher want to call parents the first time. People are mostly conflict avoidant and don't want to call parents that first time. It's nerve wrecking to call a parent. You don't know how they will react.

 

So I had to just accept that how other adults handled a problem was not within my power, even if they were "supposed" to call.

 

If you want to reenroll him, I think you should. And I think you should let the teachers know one on one that you are a parent who really wants to know the FIRST time. Let them know your child had to be removed last year, and that you are trying again, but that you want to be included from day one if there is the slightest problem, and assure them that you are a parent who will always support the teacher.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I feel your frustration! How I would handle it, is volunteer in his class so that you are there to observe his behavior and the behavior of those toward him.

 

One thing I've noticed with my ds is, sometimes (not a lot, but, sometimes) other kids are doing the same thing and for some reason, they get away with it. I know that part of the reason is that, because of past behavior, he gets watched a little closer than the others. But, if I'm there, I can help make sure things (especially as it concerns my ds's behavior) are taken care of in a fair manner so he doesn't feel "picked on". If they aren't following their own policy, it could be that there are others who aren't being disciplined properly.

 

The reason for the rules, I would assume, is to create a feeling of safety for all the kids who attend and an opportunity for optimum learning. I guess I would point this out to the leadership when I go to volunteer.

 

Good Luck!

[Josie]

I think you should enroll him IF you will commit to being at every class with him AND paying close attention to only him. (I have seen parents be in the room, but too busy talking or doing something else to even notice their DC and this doens't help the situation.) I think some DC just need that little extra training in group situations. Learning to deal with groups is difficult for many children. I really believe almost all children get caught up in the whole group dynamic thing and behave in ways they wouldn't if they were alone. Ask me how many "discussions" I have had with my own dc! I tall ya, if I had a dime for each "discussion" I would be a very rich woman!

[mcconnellboys]

I think you should be told of misbehaviour immediately, so that you can redirect while the incident is still fresh on their minds. Can you talk to those in charge of the coop about this and see that they really enforce their rules in future? It seems that they have okay rules in place, just need to follow them.

[asher]

I agree w. the pp's about being present in the room to address the issues. ((hugs))

[Anne in CA]

Thank you for your thoughts, I really appreciate it. I called the coop leader and will take the necessary steps to enroll him. It makes me feel better to know that everyone felt this was the right thing to do. I will keep a super close eye on him and that should help everything. Also, I will tell the coop leader that I hope she will talk with the other leaders about enforcing the discipline policy more completely in the future. Thanks, Anne

[my2kidsmom]

I would sign him up. Talk to the teacher of the class and let her know that he will most likely test some limits and that her tolerance level is going to determine if he does it once or five hundred times. Set very clear limits with him and discuss with him the exact consequence for any inappropriate behavior. You know from other activies that your child know how to interact in situations with other peers and an adult other than you in charge of the group. I'll bet that those adults have a low tolernace for misbehavior so your son does not misbehave. The teacher in the coop let it go on and on and he learned he can keep misbehaving and not get in trouble so he did. Even after he got in trouble, he knew he could push it again because he still got away with misbehaving X number of times before the teacher "drew the line".

[Mom0012]

I think I would sign him up, but I'd be proactive about checking in with his teacher(s) after class either directly when I picked him up or by e-mail that day. I would let them know that I wanted to be informed about any problems ASAP.

 

Lisa

[A.J. at J.A.]

I think I would sign him up, but I'd be proactive about checking in with his teacher(s) after class either directly when I picked him up or by e-mail that day. I would let them know that I wanted to be informed about any problems ASAP.

 

Lisa

 

This is exactly what I would do, you can't argue with explaining before class to the teacher what your goals are for his behavior and that you want her to be honest after class when you ask how he did.

 

Angela

[Jackie in AR]

If you want to reenroll him, I think you should. And I think you should let the teachers know one on one that you are a parent who really wants to know the FIRST time. Let them know your child had to be removed last year, and that you are trying again, but that you want to be included from day one if there is the slightest problem, and assure them that you are a parent who will always support the teacher.

 

I think this is the key. Speak to each of his teachers and let them know they will have your full support, and that you want to be informed at the first sign of trouble.

 

And be available for them to speak with you after every class. Not necessarily to get into a dialogue each day, but at least to make eye contact so they can signal you if you need to hang around for a moment.