How late is too late?

[michelle l]

What if you've already failed? I was reading an e-book from Simply Charlotte Mason called Smooth and Easy Days, not realizing it was going to be on habit training and encouraging your children. I feel like such a failure. I absolutely do nag my kids. I feel like I an constantly having to tell them to do everything. Hang up your coat. Get your shoes off the mudroom floor and into your cubbie. Pick up your towels. SHUT THE DOOR! On and on and on...and I'm not even nice about is anymore because I'm soooooooooo frustrated about it. I mean, I'm really becoming NOT nice. No, I've already become that. I've been that for a while.:crying:

 

My oldest is 16, then they're 10, 9, and 5. I feel like the boat pulled away and I missed it. My oldest sasses me constantly. My 10 yr old has ADHD, and while he's bright and sensitive he's also very defiant, and our relationship has always been a struggle.

 

My "go to" reaction for almost everything has become yelling, and not suprisingly, they exhibit this in their own behavior. I hate the things that come out of my mouth. I'm a Christian. I love Jesus. I know it shouldn't be this way. I'm ashamed. :sad:

 

Is it too late for anything different? I'm tired of struggling over everything, tired of being so angry, tired of being spoken to with such disrespect from my oldest. I just really feel like I have failed on the parenting front.

[Jayne J]

I am not really qualified to answer the thrust of your question--my dc are still young, and even I sometimes wonder if certain boats have left the dock, as far as habit training and personality issues.

But I do want to say this--it is never too late to change *your* heart and become more like Christ. Perhaps for your oldest it is a bit late to suddenly want to parent differently (I really don't know this though--my oldest is 6, so wait for advice from a mom of older kids!) but it is not too late to show dc16 what a Christ submitted heart looks like, and to try to disciple (not just discipline!) thorough your example. Pray for a changed heart, pray for your children, pray, pray, pray, and then try to carry that prayer through your day. When you feel the pressure building and the yelling coming, pray. I also have a tendancy to yell when I'd rather parent calmly and rationally and have said things I deeply regret, so I know where you are coming from (although a teenager might just push me over the edge!) and prayer is my lifeline.

It is never too late to run the good race, fight the good fight.

[Remudamom]

You have today. Start today. Have a heart to heart with your kids and apologize for the way you've been acting. Tell them you're going to change. Then do it. What they do, especially the 16 yr old, is up to them.

[lollie010]

Is it too late for anything different? I'm tired of struggling over everything, tired of being so angry, tired of being spoken to with such disrespect from my oldest. I just really feel like I have failed on the parenting front.

 

Oh, please tell me it is never too late. Because I am in the same boat. I know I have missed the mark and am having a hard time adjusting to a different way. I read smooth and easy days also. I felt the same way you do right now. My dd yelled at me yesterday and the sad thing is that I can't blame her. So we are coming to a screeching hault with everything and focusing on relationships for a while. You said you are a Christian--I will be praying for you and if you have a chance I will take some prayers too.

 

Hopefully others will provide some real advise.

:grouphug:

[Mommyfaithe]

You have today. Start today. Have a heart to heart with your kids and apologize for the way you've been acting. Tell them you're going to change. Then do it. What they do, especially the 16 yr old, is up to them.

 

:iagree:

[hillfarm]

Perhaps it's the season. I had a bit of a meltdown with my 11yo dd over the weekend and things are different now! In the past, I was not that impressed with the "tomato staking" concept, having seen too many of our very conservative, rural families use that as an excuse to turn their older children into slave labor instead of educating them.

 

However, I'm a believer now! Dd is an only child and had gotten very princessy. The final straw was when dh and I were out sweating our brains out in the hot sun to modify a chicken pen for her new, greatly coveted baby chickies, while she sat inside under a cool fan, watching cartoons on tv.:mad: So for the last couple of days, she has been matching me step for step when I am doing chores (we are done with formal school for the year). And she is so not a happy camper. But her attitude and behavior have definitely improved already.

 

I'd love to keep this up all through the summer. In some ways, the chores are easier with an extra hand, but OTOH they are harder since I generally demonstrate once, observe dd once, and then have her do the task independently with me on alert in the other room but not directly supervising. We may actually have a clean house by the start of school this fall:D.

[Frontier Mom]

Oh, I am right there with you. Maybe there truly is strength in numbers only for the reason that we can work together to change! We had "the lecture" last night for an hour. Again....

 

I know it is dangerous to compare but some comparisons just highlight our own weaknesses. We finally told the dcs that we cannot change who they are. However, we can certainly change their environment!!

 

So, what does that mean? Well, I'm just speaking for my own household but we are making some changes. Our problem is that my four dcs think life is just a constant stream of media and entertainment. They will go from the computer to a TV show, to playing basketball to texting, to wrestling and almost tearing the house down to sports event they participate in at the time, to computer "worthless" videos to wandering our road trying to find someone home. It just seems they have gotten into such a bad habit of entitlement. Basically, the attitude around here is, "Keep me entertained."

 

Well, poo on that!! I have been around some families lately, both hs and non-hs, who have children that cannot put a book down. gasp... It really hit home with me because I am a huge reader, as is my dh. We have spent so much time taking our dcs to their respective team events, so they are certainly not neglected there. I'm just fed up!! I remember reading early on that if you read your children will be readers. I no longer believe that is true. The environment is just too strong for mine.

 

So, what is the solution? Personally for us, and this may not help you at all, we are turning our cable off later this week. We have Netflix and Teaching Company DVDs that we need to watch anyway instead of Sports Center and George Lopez. The dcs must bring their phones downstairs at night and will only have them at certain times of the day. Also, I installed Safe Eyes after a rec. here (thanks) and I am blocking internet usage all times except 3 to 8 pm. Each dc only gets one hour per day within those times too.

 

I'm right there with you and cannot continue down this path. I am sure they will whine, etc. but I cannot live in an explosive house. Like I said, dh and I have decided to change the environment. Something has to change.

[springmama]

What if you've already failed? I was reading an e-book from Simply Charlotte Mason called Smooth and Easy Days, not realizing it was going to be on habit training and encouraging your children. I feel like such a failure. I absolutely do nag my kids. I feel like I an constantly having to tell them to do everything. Hang up your coat. Get your shoes off the mudroom floor and into your cubbie. Pick up your towels. SHUT THE DOOR! On and on and on...and I'm not even nice about is anymore because I'm soooooooooo frustrated about it. I mean, I'm really becoming NOT nice. No, I've already become that. I've been that for a while.:crying:

 

My oldest is 16, then they're 10, 9, and 5. I feel like the boat pulled away and I missed it. My oldest sasses me constantly. My 10 yr old has ADHD, and while he's bright and sensitive he's also very defiant, and our relationship has always been a struggle.

 

My "go to" reaction for almost everything has become yelling, and not suprisingly, they exhibit this in their own behavior. I hate the things that come out of my mouth. I'm a Christian. I love Jesus. I know it shouldn't be this way. I'm ashamed. :sad:

 

Is it too late for anything different? I'm tired of struggling over everything, tired of being so angry, tired of being spoken to with such disrespect from my oldest. I just really feel like I have failed on the parenting front.

 

I could have written this post, only my younger kids are 7, 5, and 2 and my ADHD kid is my 5 year old, or so I think. Maybe he's just being a boy and I'm not used to it yet.

 

Anyway, you are not alone. Do you think the book will help? I want smooth and easy days. That would be a dream! Maybe I need to read it.

[MIch elle]

I got this idea from some book along the way. I write down scripture verses that will help us see our faults and read them to my dc.

 

I read these to my 16yob last night:

 

"Fools show their anger at once, but the prudent ignore an insult." Proverbs 12:16

 

"Rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

 

He KNOWS what these scriptures verses mean and WHY I'm reading them to HIM. I'll read these 2 verses everyday to him until we memorize them.

 

:grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

You have today. Start today. Have a heart to heart with your kids and apologize for the way you've been acting. Tell them you're going to change. Then do it. What they do, especially the 16 yr old, is up to them.

 

Yes, this! :)

[Blessedfamily]

I would tell them flat out how you feel. I have learned to tell my kids when I've erred with them, especially being short-tempered. I want them to be able to admit when they're wrong and change, so I exemplify that. Though my kids are young, it just melts their hearts. (I'm not doing it to be manipulative; just honest) And then we all try again.

[JVA]

Changing your environment now won't give you the ideal result.....but it can be better. YOU can do it!

The only reason I didn't parent like MY parents is that I saw good examples and my dh and I talked it to death and made intentional changes to what we knew. We still made mistakes.

We've used this book and DVD in our MOPS bible study. It has been enthusiastically received and I recommend it HIGHLY. Solid, methodical and optomistic are words I'd use to describe their ideas.

 

Parenting is Heart Work

 

http://www.biblicalparenting.org/heartwork/book.asp

[CalicoKat]

What if you've already failed? I was reading an e-book from Simply Charlotte Mason called Smooth and Easy Days, not realizing it was going to be on habit training and encouraging your children. I feel like such a failure. I absolutely do nag my kids. I feel like I an constantly having to tell them to do everything. Hang up your coat. Get your shoes off the mudroom floor and into your cubbie. Pick up your towels. SHUT THE DOOR! On and on and on...and I'm not even nice about is anymore because I'm soooooooooo frustrated about it. I mean, I'm really becoming NOT nice. No, I've already become that. I've been that for a while.:crying:

 

My oldest is 16, then they're 10, 9, and 5. I feel like the boat pulled away and I missed it. My oldest sasses me constantly. My 10 yr old has ADHD, and while he's bright and sensitive he's also very defiant, and our relationship has always been a struggle.

 

My "go to" reaction for almost everything has become yelling, and not suprisingly, they exhibit this in their own behavior. I hate the things that come out of my mouth. I'm a Christian. I love Jesus. I know it shouldn't be this way. I'm ashamed. :sad:

 

Is it too late for anything different? I'm tired of struggling over everything, tired of being so angry, tired of being spoken to with such disrespect from my oldest. I just really feel like I have failed on the parenting front.

I've been reading Heaven Help the Home that address your concerns and offers some thought provoking ideas and solutions. One of the chapters convicted yelling-me deeply. Actually every chapter has been hard to hear.

 

It's never too late to try something new. Kids are some of the most forgiving people.

[michelle l]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. So far so good -- no screaming today:blushing:, despit major tantrums by ds who just turned 9. I'm finding the Charlotte Mason reading somewhat encouraging in that it gives ideas on how to get there. We have a lot of work to do. I really want a peaceful, creative home.

 

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.