Did I handle this well?

[sparrow]

Clearly, many of us are not fully understanding the reason you posted. The title of your post is "Did I handle this well?". In many of our opinions, no, not so much. We're offering reasons why the other mother may have yelled and that perhaps dance lessons are not the best place for horse play, yet you are responding in such a way that leads me to believe you feel you did handle it well. What are we missing?

[jade]

I'm glad that this type of question was brought up and that the conversation here could be civil. It's clear that parents do have differences in how they handle boys' rambunctious behavior. I appreciate reading different mothers' perspectives on what they consider wrong and what they tolerate. Having once or twice screamed because I thought a kid was getting way out of hand and also having had to deal with parents who have behaved rather oddly, I know there are multiple ways to viewpoints on things like this.

 

The one point that I would add is that maybe playing handheld games while waiting for dance class to finish maybe isn't such a bad idea. I have encountered many good parents who are against so many new technologies. But once they see that some of the games available actually have some educational merit, they are more open minded. Or, bring a book to read. A plan is good in these kinds of situations.:)

[abbeyej]

If your child was hurting another child, I don't think this woman was in the wrong. I didn't hear her, so it's hard to say if she overreacted. But I don't think yelling for a child to *stop* (especially if her son had already *told* your son to stop, which it sounds like he may have done) and to get back to his mother is all that awful. She said two things, "stop" and "go to your mother". She didn't berate your son. She stepped in to make an unacceptable, dangerous behavior *stop*.

 

Maybe her tone was bad. But her Mother Bear side had stepped in to protect her child. ... And your Mother Bear seems to be reacting to defend your child from hurt feelings. I understand that, but think perhaps you should reconsider. And have a talk with your son about exercising better judgment and self-control when rough-housing with other children.

 

I would also encourage you to bring a book or other quiet activity for him during your daughter's dance classes from now on. The waiting rooms at dance studios really aren't appropriate venues for rough-housing.

[jujsky]

hate to be the rude one but..... If there is a child twisting my childs arm yeah I am gonna yell. I want attention and I want it stopped because as far as I am concerned noones child has a right to put their hands on mine. If my child looks in pain yeah I am gonna go irate and I don't think that is unreasonable in any way.

 

:iagree: I probably would have reacted the same way. I don't think I'd send him to his mother, but yeah -- I would have yelled at him. If I was the other mom and you came up to me after and were defensive about it, I would have told you that if you didn't like my reaction, you should be keeping a better eye on your kid.

 

Believe me -- I am at DD's dance school 3 days/week with my DS(6) and I know how rowdy the siblings can get. If my son had done that to another child (he's no saint -- he's done things like that before) and the other mom yelled at him, I would have marched him on over to that other little boy and made him apologize. If he told me he was embarrassed, I would have said, "Good! You should be! I'm embarrassed that you behaved like that!" Sorry, but I think you're in the wrong on this one. His hands shouldn't have been on that other child to begin with.

[eternalknot]

I had no idea there was a problem because they were PLAYING together. Boys do go too far sometimes, and I have spoken to my son about it. But honestly, if someone accidentally hurts my son and he's not spouting blood or missing teeth, I tell him he's fine. But, I'm used to boys.

 

I'm the same way, even with my daughter. I've learned we're a minority.

 

I never say anything to another mom other than: "I'll take it from here." Everything else I address to my kids. Sometimes I'll pull them to the side and discuss the situation; othertimes I'll do absolutely nothing other than to nod at them to go on about their business. Oftentimes we'll discuss it even later after the fact, including commentary to the appropriateness or inappropriateness of the other parent's reaction. I've had to remind my kids, too, that (a) not all parents approve of that type of play, even playful roughhousing, and (b) not all kids can hack it, even if they want to or try to. There's a lesson to be learned about recognizing who we can and cannot engage in certain behaviors around or with, .. and of also identifying a pattern. (For example, there's one kid at our park day who routinely gets the other kids in trouble because she'll start roughhousing but can't take it - she can only give it. The kids began to see the pattern: they roughhouse with her, they get into trouble with her mom. So now they exclude her from that type of play.)

 

There's no reasoning with some parents, particularly when they feel their kid is wronged. Us, included :D!

[Caribbean Queen]

But honestly, if someone accidentally hurts my son and he's not spouting blood or missing teeth, I tell him he's fine. But, I'm used to boys.

 

Yikes. No wonder you think she overreacted.

[cdrumm4448]

Clearly, many of us are not fully understanding the reason you posted. The title of your post is "Did I handle this well?". In many of our opinions, no, not so much. We're offering reasons why the other mother may have yelled and that perhaps dance lessons are not the best place for horse play, yet you are responding in such a way that leads me to believe you feel you did handle it well. What are we missing?

 

The anger I felt. Whether it's right not, I feel very angry at this other mother.

[cdrumm4448]

The one point that I would add is that maybe playing handheld games while waiting for dance class to finish maybe isn't such a bad idea. I have encountered many good parents who are against so many new technologies. But once they see that some of the games available actually have some educational merit, they are more open minded. Or, bring a book to read. A plan is good in these kinds of situations.:)

 

I agree that a plan is what we lacked and contributed to the situation. That is why I brought the subject up, so I could hear other viewpoints, no matter how difficult. My son goes with to dance, even on days he doesn't have to (when my husband is home) because he wants to play with the other boys there. That's why the handheld games are not my optimum solution, because they aren't interacting and playing together.So,I was serious when I mentioned a boardgame. Or maybe a cardgame.

[cdrumm4448]

I'm the same way, even with my daughter. I've learned we're a minority.

 

:D!

 

Thank you for letting me know that. I think that's what many of the other ladies have been trying to say, but I'm a very direct person and I don't read between the lines.

[cdrumm4448]

Yikes. No wonder you think she overreacted.

 

Most of the people I am friends with (and I know I'm not friends with everybody) feel the same way I do. That's why I was so surprised at her reaction.

 

Most of the people I'm surrounded by don't yell at other people's kids. That's why her behavior stood out to me and the other ladies there. For example, recently my son was bitten by a 7-year-old at co-op. I didn't yell at the boy who clearly did bite him. I calmly asked what happened, and the mother told me they were playing around and were both scratched up, etc. That's where she left it. I didn't scream at him, demand an apology, or anything like that. I just said we should all keep our hands to ourselves. That was it.

 

This is a very good discussion and, as a pp said, delves in different parenting practices and expections. It's not normally a conversation you engage in IRL,so I appreciate it here.

Edited April 8, 2010 by cdrumm4448

[Sputterduck]

I agree that a plan is what we lacked and contributed to the situation. That is why I brought the subject up, so I could hear other viewpoints, no matter how difficult. My son goes with to dance, even on days he doesn't have to (when my husband is home) because he wants to play with the other boys there. That's why the handheld games are not my optimum solution, because they aren't interacting and playing together.So,I was serious when I mentioned a boardgame. Or maybe a cardgame.

 

The thing about that is a sibling's dance class is not an appropriate time to play with other children. I wouldn't dream of letting my son play with other children in that situation unless there is some sort of outside play area specifically where they can play.

[cdrumm4448]

The thing about that is a sibling's dance class is not an appropriate time to play with other children. I wouldn't dream of letting my son play with other children in that situation unless there is some sort of outside play area specifically where they can play.

 

All the mothers let their boys play. We were doing what everyone there does.

[Tree House Academy]

I am a fighter when it comes to my kids. I would be prone to angry with someone who was rude to my child. For instance, one day, my son sweetly asked a lady at the cookie stand if he could throw his straw paper in the little trash can on her counter. She looked at him, smirked, and said, "It's a trash can, ISN'T it??...DUH." To which I responded, "OMG, you did NOT just say that to my kid!" I let her know how rude she was and how he had done nothing to her!

 

However, I am totally different when my child is at fault. If I heard the other mother make the crazy screech, I would RUN to her and the kids and ask what happened. When I heard my son had been hurting her child, and I don't care WHY, I would have punished him on the spot and made him apologize. I will not tolerate my child hurting another child unprovoked. Now, if that kid punched my kid in the face and my son took off after him and beat the snot out of him,...well...;)

[Jana]

The anger I felt. Whether it's right not, I feel very angry at this other mother.

 

I think this is the reason you posted. You are angry and want to feel justified in your feelings. If you want to stay mad and feel justified, I totally get that. I do that a lot.

 

I don't get the impression you saw the exchange, yet you are sure this mother is over-reacting. If you want your son to be handled in a particular way, I would suggest you keep close enough tabs on him so you can intervene yourself. You can't have it both ways.

 

This mother saw the exchange--you didn't--yet you want to focus on her intervention and not the conflict itself. Just because she responded in a way you deem unreasonable, doesn't mean she is wrong about what she saw.

 

You seem too focused on her behavior and not your own, or your son's for that matter.

Edited April 8, 2010 by Jana

[mirth]

To the OP, did you decide to try to talk to the woman (I will call her Mrs. Ames) again in next week's class?

 

As far the original question, "Did I handle this well?" With kindness I say, No I don't think so. Your family added insult to injury. A poor mix.

 

I think you were angry in sense of stewing on a slow-moving boat. Had the class ended immediately after the yelling incident and driving away in your car and headed for home was in near view, then I don't think you would've ended up speaking to Mrs. Ames at all.

 

One thing that would help is to figure out what is your goal in confronting Mrs. Ames. Was it to to diffuse the situation? No, the dust was already settled. Was it to defend your kid? No, he was no longer under attack when you approached her. Was it to give her a piece of your mind? Yes. In fact, I am not sure you wanted a dialogue with her at all. You wanted to transmit the one-way message that "I really didn't appreciate what you did" without discussion. The proceeding conversation really didn't have a chance. The words you used were not choice.

 

"Don't appreciate."

"Humiliate"

"Nuts"

 

These are fighting words as far as dance class mothers are concerned. Mrs. Ames never put her hands on your child. She didn't even say anything negative. She was loud, and clearly delivered her message. And she might respond that if stepping in prior to bloodshed or busted teeth is "nuts", then there are more parents (and teachers and police officers and older brothers and sisters) who are nuts than sane.

 

Since you are being very introspective and this whole incident still weighs on you a bit, I might offer this. I think you have made an enemy of Mrs. Ames. Unless this means little to nothing to you, I do think you or your son should try to fix it a bit by next dance class. You don't want to dwell on this unfortunate exchange you and Mrs. Ames much longer.

Edited April 8, 2010 by mirth

[Melinda in VT]

For example, recently my son was bitten by a 7-year-old at co-op. I didn't yell at the boy who clearly did bite him. I calmly asked what happened, and the mother told me they were playing around and were both scratched up, etc. That's where she left it. I didn't scream at him, demand an apology, or anything like that. I just said we should all keep our hands to ourselves. That was it.

 

But the biting situation is a bit different, isn't it? Because the damage had already been done, right?

 

I can see myself yelling if a child (mine or someone else's) were in the act of biting another child.

 

Based on your posts, that's what happened. She saw someone hurting her child and she yelled to stop the behavior and separate the kids.

 

I have boys. We've had plenty of discussions about choosing to act in a way that "makes accidents likely to happen" and there isn't a lot of parental sympathy for kids who live dangerously and then get hurt. ;)

 

But I don't see how this mom did anything egregious.

[Julie in CA]

Clearly, many of us are not fully understanding the reason you posted. The title of your post is "Did I handle this well?". In many of our opinions, no, not so much. We're offering reasons why the other mother may have yelled and that perhaps dance lessons are not the best place for horse play, yet you are responding in such a way that leads me to believe you feel you did handle it well. What are we missing?

I agree with this. People are telling you that you didn't respond well, and you're staunchly defending your response.

 

I would have been upset that my child caused someone to flip out (whether or not I thought they were overreacting), and would have immediately spoken to my son. We would have talked it out, and then he would have issued an apology to the other child. It would have happened right away. End of problem.

 

Because of the fact that you responded in the way you did, I would also, at this point, apologize to the other mom. So she overreacted--your behavior was equally bad (or possibly worse). You told her off in public when *your* child did something wrong. Not horribly wrong, just wrong stuff that kids do sometimes. You called her nuts, when in reality, your inattention and your kid's behavior caused this.

 

If you change your mind about your part in this, you can probably fix it. At the very next opportunity I'd probably bring her a very small bunch of spring flowers, and a sincere apology. People will still know that she overreacted, but they'll also see you taking the high road. What a great example you could be! That is what I'd want my kid to see too...:001_smile:

[Impish]

I actually told her she was nuts, not crazy. I ended up telling her that because I told her I have never spoken to another person's child that way. She told me that if her child behaved the way mine had, she would expect me to scream at him. That's when I told her she was nuts. Was it the best thing to say? Probably not. But I honestly don't feel like I should scream at someone's child for accidentally hurting mine. If she feels it's OK for an adult to speak to her child that way, I do think she's nuts.

I've read the entire thread. In your OP, you were chatting with another parent, completely unaware of what was going on with the two boys. You had to ask why the other boy didn't say for your son to stop, and the mother told you he did.

 

I point this out because you weren't paying attention. You don't know what actually happened...just that another parent was driven to yell at your child.

 

Lets flipside this a bit. If YOUR child were being hurt, the other child wasn't stopping, you didn't see his parent paying attention, what would you do? I know, you wouldn't have yelled.

 

But *I* would have. What would the other options be, really? Continue to let my child be hurt (unacceptable), physically remove the other child off mine (and have the parent go bananas because I put my hands on their kid) or yell and hope the other parent finally clues in and comes over.

 

I understand the other parent's reaction completely. Yours, however, I don't get at all. Your son was feeling guilty because he did something wrong and got in trouble. Also, according to you, you 'found him when it was almost time to go'. To me, that says you weren't keeping him at your side.

 

I think this all could have been prevented by keeping a closer eye on your son, so that you *do* know exactly whats going on, not having to ask other parents as to what happened. I also don't get where your assessment of the other child being fine and playing has anything to do with being hurt by your son. Does no injury count unless it lasts?

 

Your reaction was completely over the top, imo. The mother has the right to protect her son, and she did so.

[abbeyej]

...

If you change your mind about your part in this, you can probably fix it. At the very next opportunity I'd probably bring her a very small bunch of spring flowers, and a sincere apology. People will still know that she overreacted, but they'll also see you taking the high road. What a great example you could be! That is what I'd want my kid to see too...:001_smile:

 

Absolutely. You *can* fix this. "I'm sorry I overreacted. Please forgive my outburst." ... You don't have to think that what she did was exactly right or exactly in line with how the situation could best have been handled. But you can own up to your own part in mishandling the situation.

 

And by doing so, you can be a great example to your kids and win back some of the respect of those other parents who witnessed your tantrum (as well as the other woman's).