s/o responsibility, dinner invites

[Lovedtodeath]

Is it unusual to serve cold sandwiches with no side items when someone is at your house for dinner? What about hot dogs? Do you think that these type of dinners are maybe giving the visitors a hint that they come to dinner too often and should maybe offer to provide the food next time?

 

The situation is that we like to get together with this family, but due to circumstances surrounding our children's preferences and our level of cleanliness, we generally do not take turns with hosting, but end up at the same family's house most visits. (Whether I am the host or the visitor I will not disclose, as I would like honest opinions of the dinners served and the subtle messages that may be accompanying them.)

 

One more thing... I promised Emily that when she finished Abeka Math we would go to Chuck E Cheese. I asked our friends if they could meet us there. Should I pay for their food?

[Lovedtodeath]

I wont' bite, I promise! Give your opinions please.:)

 

You may also feel free to guess whether I am the guest or the hostess. lol

[Slartibartfast]

Well, I do think if one has dinner at another's house a lot there should be a bit of potluck going on.

 

We like to have people over and our friends generally bring a side dish or a dessert.

 

:)

 

I don't think one should pay for the meals at CeC unless they feel obligated due to over excess of visiting without bringing dishes.

[Lovedtodeath]

LOL Nice way of guessing. I love your avatar btw.

[momofkhm]

The family we eat with often, we bring nothing but we alternate houses every week.

 

The family we get together with several time a year is different. We used to eat at our house all the time because we were the only ones with kids. We could send the kids to bed and the adult could stay up and talk till all hours. Now they have a child who is allergic to my dog and cats so we go to their house. I bring dessert. When they came to our house, they brought dessert.

 

A meal with no sides, I probably wouldn't go where you are going. I'd just think they didn't have time to make them or forgot to buy or make them. But with no sides, we'd be eating probably twice as many hot dogs. So it wouldn't be a cheaper meal.

[nono]

Well, it seems like some updated planning needs to go on between the two parties.

 

I had a situation where one person always liked to have us over, as she didn't like to travel to our location. As she is family, it is an ongoing relationship. One time, I simply called the day before, said we were coming to visit with a "local dinner" (seafood, which her whole family loves, fresh from where we live). This got her over the feeling of always having to provide when we visited. I don't always bring dinner, but I make sure a couple times a year, I bring a soup-to-nuts style dinner to help even out her gift of hospitality. :)

 

Alternately, perhaps you could say to this other party, "I have potato salad and green bean salad that I just made. Would that work with your dinner plans if I brought it along?" If it is the opposite situation, perhaps you could say, "I'm planning to serve sandwiches. Do you mind bringing a side dish to go with that? I'm not too creative these days with meal planning."

[ConnieB]

It would depend on the dinner invite....if I was specifically invited "Come over next Friday for dinner"...then yeah, I think I would expect more than cold sandwiches with no sides, lol. Hot dogs would be ok, because we have several families that we BBQ with often and dogs or burgers are staples unless we decide to do a 'bring your own chicken' meal.

 

But if it was a case of we're over at their house for a playdate and they say "hey, why don't you stay for dinner, the kids are having such a grand time"....then no, sandwiches wouldn't bother me, we were last minute add ons. And, if my house were the hosting, I'd not have a problem with offering up the sandwiches if they'd like to stay...since THEY are the last minute add ons.

 

Of course, the phrasing of your question also makes me wonder if perhaps the "hey why don't you stay" phrase has happened once too often and perhaps the "hey" family feels they have no choice but to invite because the playdate isn't winding down, the mom isn't making a move toward the door and the dinner hour has arrived. And the "hey" family is feeling a bit tired of people overstaying their welcome and having to stretch what started out as a dinner plan for one family into two families. But, I've never been shy of saying to this family "well, it's been great playing today, but DH will be home shortly and it's time for us to be getting ready for him and dinner.....let's get the kids to start cleaning up so that you can get home too".

 

Yet another scenario that comes to mind with the cryptic post, lol.....if your children have food preferences that make it difficult to eat at another person's home....then perhaps you could offer to bring something that your child WOULD eat..."Little Sally is going through a phase of only eating cheese doodles, so please don't plan on food for her, I'll bring an extra large bag". Or, if it's the other way around...."Since your Johnny won't like our fried chicken, why don't you bring along his favorite so he can be happy too". I never take it as an insult that someone won't eat my cooking....I have my own preferences too (though as an adult I have learned to eat almost anything to not make a hostess feel bad....but I don't expect YOUNG children to be ready for that lesson quite yet...but my kids are learning it...they learned the "don't openly complain, just leave it on your plate" lesson early on though.) Though, I also am very clear about what the menu is when I make the invite, so they can decline, suggest a potluck instead of my fried liverguts, or warn Jr. that screaming that it's some dead guys innards won't be tolerated this time.

 

The cleanliness issue....well, that's tougher because as direct as I am I don't see myself being able to say "if you cleaned up the food pile that is molding in the living room corner, we'd be happy to come over to your house for dinner". I would not hestiate however to NOT go to their house if the cleanliness issue is something like that which would be a potential health issue. If it's a cluttery house but hygenically clean, I'd suck up my personal discomfort with clutter occasionally to visit at their house. Of course, knowing me, I'd also probably suggest that while the kids play we tackle the closet where the odd thumping sounds was coming from, just in case it's the missing neighbor.

 

Seriously though......................Perhaps the better scenario is instead of serving inferior foods hoping that they get the hint (which in my experience people like this don't do hints well, thus why I tend to be a direct person, lol).....is to start being "busy" a little more often so that your get togethers are less frequent. Then the pressure is off you to feel like their personal restaurant. Or if that's not acceptable because Johnny & Sally are best friends and you don't want to hurt that relationship....perhaps just the dinner part can be less frequent. "Let's get together and play today, but we're only available until 3:30 today". And then at 3:15 remind the kids it's time to clean up so that they can leave at 3:30 (I find that pushing the kids to clean up signals to THEM it's time to go...suggesting it to mom means she can keep talking and delay the leaving, lol....it's hard not to leave when there are no toys left out and Jr is waiting impatiently to get home to HIS toys, lol). I know some people have trouble with the whole pushing friends out the door at a specific time...but it's a skill everyone really should consider learning because even though the friends may change....sadly the need to have people go home is a lifetime long scenario, lol. I still have relatives that come for a weekend and make gestures that indicate they'll move in permanently if I am not diligent!

 

Oh, and you said to guess....hmmm, I seriously doubt you'd mention a lack of cleanliness on YOUR part....so I'm betting you are Susie Homemaker and the other family is Oscar the Grouch. :tongue_smilie::grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

First I want to mention that there is no copious eating of hot dogs if only just enough for each person to have one or two is what is made.;)

 

The scenario is not an unexpectedly stretched out play date, but a "lets get the families together on Saturday for dinner" and a daughter getting on the phone saying, "Can we come to your house? I like your house better."

 

I have decided to just be honest with my very good friend, not mentioning hints of course, but just the solution. She is the best friend ever, I should be able to discuss this problem with her.

 

I was just curious if the strange dinners would suggest something to you.

[Nestof3]

Let's see. It's sort of hard to answer this. I'll try to answer as if I am the person hosting.

 

If I only have a family over a couple times a year, I go all out. If I were to have the same family over regularly (meaning we were really close and we got together often), I would feel fine having hotdogs or sandwiches. I also think hotdogs are great for cookouts, having moms and kids together, etc. I cannot imagine not having sides unless I were serving subs with lots of veggies to add. Even with hotdogs, I'd have beans, chips, fruit or something.

 

I have eaten at houses that are quite filthy, and it is uncomfortable. I've actually gagged in bathrooms before. My house is always pretty clean, but I always clean very well when we have company. It's just part of what I like to do when we have company -- I try to make the guests feel special and comfortable. I dust the living area (not much to do there), vacuum and tidy up any things lying around. I also wipe down the kitchen counters, mop the kitchen floor, and make sure there are ample paper towels and a clean kitchen hand towel. I clean the bathroom, wash the bath towels and floor rug in the bathroom, place an extra guest hand towel on the sink, and make sure there is enough toilet paper. Finally, we move the cats' food tray and litter box back to a bedroom (it's normally in the kitchen).

 

I personally would tire of always having to host if the main reason I didn't want to go to the other family's house was because of the cleanliness. We have eaten in homes where the stench was bad, and I actually felt ill . The thing is, the habits of those same people show up when at our house, so sometimes it's not easy hosting either.

[ConnieB]

First I want to mention that there is no copious eating of hot dogs if only just enough for each person to have one or two is what is made.;)

 

The scenario is not an unexpectedly stretched out play date, but a "lets get the families together on Saturday for dinner" and a daughter getting on the phone saying, "Can we come to your house? I like your house better."

 

I have decided to just be honest with my very good friend, not mentioning hints of course, but just the solution. She is the best friend ever, I should be able to discuss this problem with her.

 

I was just curious if the strange dinners would suggest something to you.

 

 

Sounds like a perfect plan! Open discussion is always going to best and honestly, if your best friend can't take hearing your concerns, who will? Perhaps the daughter thinks YOU are the better cook or just like eating away from home so always suggests your house not being old enough to realize the burden.

 

Since it IS a dear friend, then I'd not only have a little talk, I'd suggest ways they can make it less burdensome.....bring dessert/side dishes.....or maybe come by earlier to help with the cooking if it's a time consuming type meal (I love to entertain with Lasagne but it is a bit of work, help or even companionship has made it a less gruelling task).

 

And maybe even a discussion about their cleanliness since it's a best friend. I'm constantly amazed at the number of woman I meet who were never taught how to cook or clean by their own mothers, so their skills aren't the best. Most times of course, this conversation is because they WANT to learn, lol. Some people just like clutter or don't even see it and won't even comprehend what you're saying, lol. But maybe some gentle mentoring.....even accountability if it's a motivation lack.....or maybe it just got out of hand and they can't see any tunnel, let alone a light so a little here and there to help clear the tunnel.

[Pink Fairy]

If the person who is serving only hot dogs for dinner usually serves guests a regular meal with sides, I would say there is definitely a message being sent. The message could be that they are experiencing financial difficulty, or that they are tired of hosting. Either way, it comes across as passive aggressive, because close friends should be honest--no need to communicate using the hot dog method. :lol:

 

The cleanliness thing would be really hard for me. Clutter is fine, but if the house was filthy--I couldn't do it. I'm weird like that. I know I wouldn't be back for a second meal, so I'd definitely want to be the host in that situation.

Edited March 27, 2010 by Mamabegood
typo--what else? :-)

[Laurie4b]

First I want to mention that there is no copious eating of hot dogs if only just enough for each person to have one or two is what is made.;)

 

The scenario is not an unexpectedly stretched out play date, but a "lets get the families together on Saturday for dinner" and a daughter getting on the phone saying, "Can we come to your house? I like your house better."

 

I have decided to just be honest with my very good friend, not mentioning hints of course, but just the solution. She is the best friend ever, I should be able to discuss this problem with her.

 

I was just curious if the strange dinners would suggest something to you.

 

 

I don't believe in sending messages nonverbally (ie through dinner choices.) If I were the one going to a home where that's what we were served, I would bring ample sides, desserts, etc. if they were hosting--or offer to bring the main dish.

 

If I was the one going to the other person's house all the time, and not taking said items, I would definitely offer to pay for everyone at Chuckee Cheese.

 

If I were the one offering the cold sandwich and trying to give a hint, I would repent of my passive aggression and ask them to bring something with them. "Can you come over to dinner on Saturday? We're having hot dogs. Could you bring a side or dessert?"

[QueenCat]

One more thing... I promised Emily that when she finished Abeka Math we would go to Chuck E Cheese. I asked our friends if they could meet us there. Should I pay for their food?

 

If you asked them if they "could" meet you there, that is you inviting them, as your guest. If you say, "hey, we're heading to Chuck E Cheese, if you want to meet us there, we'd love to see you", that implies them just meeting up with you, and not being your guest. That said, in either situation, if I were the other party, I'd pay my own way, and not expect you to pay.

[Carol in Cal.]

Here's the polite version:

When people host, they should not expect potluck and they should serve nice food in a gracious way. Others should reciprocate, and should offer to bring something, but the two obligations are not connected directly and should not be called to the other person's attention. It's never polite to host someone and not treat them well, but failing to host them in the future is fine. It's never polite to invite oneself over to someone else's house.

 

The informal version varies a lot by relationship. Personally, I think that being passive aggressive is always very rude and ultimately counter productive. Making people feel insulted is always a bad idea, but doing it in the guise of hospitality is really, really bad. I would always avoid that in favor of saying that I couldn't host that night, or didn't want to have people over for a meal that night, if I were being pressed hard (and rudely).

[StephanieZ]

Here goes. . . IMHO

 

On the dinner invite/meal choice. . . it depends on the host's cooking abilities and social/cultural norms whether those meals might be intended as a hint. . . if the host typically cooks more elaborate meals, then, yes, it's a hint. But, if the host is a terrible and/or desperately poor cook, then maybe those meals are typical and/or "nice" *for them*.

 

If the hosting is occuring more than a couple times a month, then it may be that the hosting family has accepted the guests as "family" and they just serve whatever is convenient -- perhaps even choosing less fancy meals on those days so the host can enjoy visiting w/o the hassles of cooking. . .

 

Also, could the guest children be picky eaters so that the host has chosen to try to pick sth they kids will eat (or at least not irritate the host by not eating . . . as it is more frustrating to watch a meal be wasted if you've spent a lot of time or $$ on it)??

 

That said, the family who is *much more frequently* on the receiving end of the hospitality should absolutely be contributing in a big way, IMHO.

 

(Reciprocated hosting is a totally different story - and just requires genuine appreciation and a token contribution of thanks such as a nice bottle of wine. . .)

 

The frequent guests should always offer to bring something. They could/should probably (enthusiastically) offer to "bring dinner this time" (or treat to a favorite take out place) half the time. . . If it is inconvenient to bring something that requires preparation and/or the hosts insist they want to cook the meal, the guests should at a minimum bring things that *cost* -- things like nice beverages (real juice, wine, beer, etc.), bakery-bought bread, dessert, a nice pineapple or quart of strawberries, ice-cream, etc. If nothing else, the guests should bring hostess gifts of some sort -- wine, chocolates, etc.

 

For instance, I host two other families once a month for a "pitch in" supper as part of a hs thing I am doing for our 3 families. It is at my house for mutual convenience. The other two moms ALWAYS bring tons of food -- at their own instigation and insistence. They either cook elaborate meals -- so that I don't have to do a thing, or, at a minimum, bring beverages, dessert, bakery bread, etc, etc. They also take over the dish washing most times. They bring lots and leave the left overs. They bring NICE things, not cheapo or easyo. I am very happy to cook for all of us and deal with most of the mess, but I would have probably gotten a bit resentful if month after month it was all on me. . . Since they are so generous, I can keep feeling generous myself. Works out great. We are all good enough friends that on the occasion that one of us is having a rough week and doesn't feel up to major cooking, we're all flexible and throw something together. . . but the basic deal is understood.

 

On the Chuck E Cheese: Yes, IMHO, you should pay, just like you would for a birthday party. It's a celebration of your child's achievement. . . and you've invited others. It's no doubt to me that you should insist on paying. I have done these types of celebrations frequently for my kids, and I always *insist* on paying (and we're all at similar $$ stations in life, so it's not that I am much more flush than they are. . . it's that it's MY IDEA). Other moms often try to pay, but I insist that it is "just like a birthday celebration" and it is my treat. Likewise, I offer to drive all the kids when feasible. I am sure that other moms would soon tire of my frequent celebrations if they had to pony up for an outing that was 1) focused on my kid's achievement and 2) to a costly destination that was not of their choosing.

 

I think that if cost is an issue for the inviting family, then they should choose a cheaper destination or not invite the extended group and keep it small enough to pay for. Personally, I set budgets for each celebration and limit the # of kids invited accordingly. My kids are aware of the budget rules and can "save up" celebrations to combine if they want a bigger blow out.

 

Well, that's my 4 cents. LOL

[LizzyBee]

First I want to mention that there is no copious eating of hot dogs if only just enough for each person to have one or two is what is made.;)

 

The scenario is not an unexpectedly stretched out play date, but a "lets get the families together on Saturday for dinner" and a daughter getting on the phone saying, "Can we come to your house? I like your house better."

 

I have decided to just be honest with my very good friend, not mentioning hints of course, but just the solution. She is the best friend ever, I should be able to discuss this problem with her.

 

I was just curious if the strange dinners would suggest something to you.

 

Is it possible they're stretched financially but don't want to say anything about it?

[Lovedtodeath]

Okay, confession time... I am not the host. I am the frequent guest with cleanliness issues. :lol: The issue is that I do not feel capable (I have been seriously ill ever since getting pg with my DS) of getting my house "guest ready" so much prefer going to theirs. We do not have them over when it is in a bad state. (Dawn, you were totally cracking me up.) In addition, my daughter always wants to go to their house and they say that they do not mind. I always offer to bring something and that offer is always refused.:confused: Anyway, I am thinking that I will insist on bringing the entire meal next time. After all, I was saved the trouble of hosting, right?

 

We just got back from Chuck E Cheese's we paid for pizza for the whole group and they bought their own drinks and tokens. We just fell into that situation as things progressed. Our house is guest ready at the moment and they are coming over on Wednesday. :)

Edited March 28, 2010 by Lovedtodeath