Help with dd10 wanting to spend night w/BFF at her divorced father's house.

[Tracy in Ky]

Is it really all that bad to say it's just innapropriate for a girl to spend the night at a man's house?

 

 

Not at all. It is a perfectly sensible thing to say.:)

[Renthead Mommy]

Is it really all that bad to say it's just innapropriate for a girl to spend the night at a man's house?

 

I think if you are going to say this, you need to say it across the board. Being single, widowed, divorced or gay doesn't make a guy any different than a married guy. There is still "a guy in the house". What? Do you think the married parents lock the husband in a closet when the other kids come over? Do you spend every moment babysitting your husband when your kids have sleep overs? Is he not allowed to watch his own tv? Go get something to eat in the kitchen?

 

If you are going to ban sleepovers due to a persons marital status, then you ought to just ban them outright. If you aren't doing one based on a gut feeling that's one thing. But if you are doing simply becuase he and former wife didn't want to stay married any longer, that's different.

 

You are telling your daughter "men can't be trusted unless there is a woman there to watch over them."

 

And if you are going to ban your kid sleeping over at other people's houses, then you should ban yourself from other kids sleeping at your's. Your husband is no safer than anyone else's.

 

And before anyone's feathers go and get all ruffled, the 'YOU" and "YOUR" are not directed at the OP or anyone specific. It is a general, all encompassing 'you' and 'your'.

[Scuff]

My daughters both have a great relationship with thier dad & grandpa & uncles. Saying it's not appropriate to spend the night at a house with just a man present isn't going to make them trust men less. Some things in life are appropriate, some things are not. They have no trouble handling that. It doesn't communicate that he's/they are evil. Just that some things we don't do together.

[lionfamily1999]

I think if you are going to say this, you need to say it across the board. Being single, widowed, divorced or gay doesn't make a guy any different than a married guy. There is still "a guy in the house". What? Do you think the married parents lock the husband in a closet when the other kids come over? Do you spend every moment babysitting your husband when your kids have sleep overs? Is he not allowed to watch his own tv? Go get something to eat in the kitchen?

 

If you are going to ban sleepovers due to a persons marital status, then you ought to just ban them outright. If you aren't doing one based on a gut feeling that's one thing. But if you are doing simply becuase he and former wife didn't want to stay married any longer, that's different.

 

You are telling your daughter "men can't be trusted unless there is a woman there to watch over them."

 

And if you are going to ban your kid sleeping over at other people's houses, then you should ban yourself from other kids sleeping at your's. Your husband is no safer than anyone else's.

 

And before anyone's feathers go and get all ruffled, the 'YOU" and "YOUR" are not directed at the OP or anyone specific. It is a general, all encompassing 'you' and 'your'.

I see a huge difference between a family member and well... any other man. Yes, I know it's more likely that a family member will abuse our children, BUT imo, it's innappropriate for a female to stay in a male's house without an adult female chaperone. I would not stay at my sister's house without her there. I love and trust my bil, but it would be innappropriate.

 

:shrug:

 

I really don't understand why saying it's innappropriate for a girl to stay in a man's house means that they can't stay anywhere a man is. :001_huh:

[Renee in NC]

I think if you are going to say this, you need to say it across the board. Being single, widowed, divorced or gay doesn't make a guy any different than a married guy. There is still "a guy in the house". What? Do you think the married parents lock the husband in a closet when the other kids come over? Do you spend every moment babysitting your husband when your kids have sleep overs? Is he not allowed to watch his own tv? Go get something to eat in the kitchen?

 

If you are going to ban sleepovers due to a persons marital status, then you ought to just ban them outright. If you aren't doing one based on a gut feeling that's one thing. But if you are doing simply becuase he and former wife didn't want to stay married any longer, that's different.

 

You are telling your daughter "men can't be trusted unless there is a woman there to watch over them."

 

And if you are going to ban your kid sleeping over at other people's houses, then you should ban yourself from other kids sleeping at your's. Your husband is no safer than anyone else's.

 

And before anyone's feathers go and get all ruffled, the 'YOU" and "YOUR" are not directed at the OP or anyone specific. It is a general, all encompassing 'you' and 'your'.

 

I think I agree. I kept reading this thread and thinking that if bothered me, but I couldn't figure out on what level. This is it. A married man who lives with his wife is just as likely to be a m*lester as one who doesn't. And the problem can happen (as someone said earlier) in the middle of the day just as easily as at night. It could be a teen or young adult brother just as easily as a dad.

 

I do agree with following your gut. Sometimes you just *know* that something is "off." Trust that instinct. Don't ban whole categories of people. On the flip side, don't trust whole categories of people, either.

[aggieamy]

I see a huge difference between a family member and well... any other man. Yes, I know it's more likely that a family member will abuse our children, BUT imo, it's innappropriate for a female to stay in a male's house without an adult female chaperone. I would not stay at my sister's house without her there. I love and trust my bil, but it would be innappropriate.

 

:shrug:

 

I really don't understand why saying it's innappropriate for a girl to stay in a man's house means that they can't stay anywhere a man is. :001_huh:

 

I really agree with this. DH and I recently went out with two of his friends from high school, a woman and a man. The man was in town visiting and staying with his mother and the woman lived in our town and was married with a few kids. Her DH was out of town visiting his parents and had the kids with him. So after we all went to dinner we all went back to the woman's house to hang out and chat. When DH and I left his friends were still out the house hanging out, chatting, and having a few drinks. They weren't flirting or acting inappropriately but we both commented that we really hoped he didn't get too drunk to go home. Neither of us felt it would have been appropriate for him to spend the night there. Not that we thought anything would happen. It just wasn't appropriate.

 

I feel the same way with the OP's daughter spending the night with the friend and her single dad. I'm sure it's perfectly safe and nothing will happen. It doesn't feel appropriate to me though. Why does it have to be a overnight visit. I love the idea of dads/daughters night or PJ's-movies-and-then-home.

 

Also, like others, I can't imagine the dad thinks it's a good idea. I sure wouldn't want a bunch of 10-year old girls alone with my DH. I trust him completely! Completely! One false accusation though and our lives would never be the same. Not worth the risk so kids can stay up late and watch movies.

[Brilliant]

...BUT imo, it's innappropriate for a female to stay in a male's house without an adult female chaperone. I would not stay at my sister's house without her there. I love and trust my bil, but it would be innappropriate.

 

:shrug:

 

I really don't understand why saying it's innappropriate for a girl to stay in a man's house means that they can't stay anywhere a man is. :001_huh:

 

I agree. It's inappropriate and improper. We have some very dear friends whom I implicitly trust, but I would still feel weird about having my teen daughter stay with them if I knew the mom wasn't in the house at night. And THEY would feel weird, too...I don't know if they'd allow it.

 

I wish that as a society we could say something is inappropriate without being accused of implying all men are molesters. My husband is not a molester. But we had a teen friend staying with us last summer for a couple of weeks. One night my dd had to attend a meeting and it was more convenient for me to take her than my hubby. It would have meant our teen friend would have been home all evening with my hubby. It just felt improper! So we re-arranged for that not to happen.

 

I recommend Wendy Shalit's book on modesty for a great treatment of this topic.

[Brilliant]

 

You are telling your daughter "men can't be trusted unless there is a woman there to watch over them."

 

 

No, we have never told our daughter that.

 

But she knows that we are trying to protect her reputation as well as her physical safety. And now that she is 16, that it is also up to her to make wise choices for her own protection.

[joannqn]

I wouldn't automatically say no. Take into consideration how well you know the dad, if he shares your values, rules, etc.

 

My parents were divorced, and my mother's house was chaotic and filthy, so no sleep-overs there. My dad was loving, and kept an orderly home, and I was grateful to be able to have sleep-overs there.

 

Please don't say "We don't do sleep-overs" if you actually do. I have a neighbor who uses that one with people she doesn't like. To me, she is teaching her children to lie.

 

:iagree:

 

My daughter has friends whose parents divorced. It took us a while to find out that dad was fine; it was mom we have to be wary of. We've let DD go boating with her friends on dad's boat and then spend the night on the boat. We won't let her go to the mom's house alone during the day now that we know what kind of person she is.

[Parrothead]

 

You are telling your daughter "men can't be trusted unless there is a woman there to watch over them."

 

:iagree:Yup, and a woman being in the house is no guarantee of appropriate behavior. Ask me how I know.

[lauracolumbus]

Thank you so much for all of your comments/thoughts/suggestions. By the responses here I at least feel better about the enormous struggle I've been having with this--I tend to be overprotective, and this was a reality check.

 

Last night I realized that I have let ds stay at his bf's house when only bf's mother was present--in large part b/c I know her better, but also b/c she is a mom. So, I know in my heart I am biased b/c he is a male. I do agree that women can be a danger to a child in more ways than molestation. However, that fear completely strikes me in my gut. I did have a rule that ds couldn't stay at his bf's house during the summer until he learned to swim better (they have an in-ground pool). I told the mother b/c I had a good relationship w/her, and while I don't think she completely understood (I was essentially saying that she couldn't supervise them well enough to my satisfaction), she waited us out, and now ds spends a lot of time there.

 

However, I think I would consider letting dd spend the night at her other close friend in the neighborhood if the mother was gone. I know this father a lot better and trust him a lot more b/c of that. I would still be a bit anxious though. And I don't know if they would even consider it as well.

 

Thank you all for taking the time to help me work through this.

 

Laura

Edited March 5, 2010 by lauracolumbus

[jenn1129]

I haven't read through everything so maybe this has already been pointed out. But, girls get molested all the time by men with their wives right there in the house. My sister was molested at 2 and 5 by an Uncle. He and his wife were there, my mom and dad were there, as were us three kids. All of us, together, all night long. He managed to quietly get up, sneak in, and molest her while us kids were in the room. And the time she was 5, there were even more adults in the home because we were at my grandparents.

 

It happens. It scares me. I am overprotective of my children in this area. We do not do slumber parties period. No way, no how.