BMW Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Okay, get your tomatoes... take aim, because I have a bad attitude towards my child... He lies. Not just that, though. He takes just a bit of a story and repeats it in a way that makes others look bad. He is always eager to get another person in trouble. He gets into ANYTHING, whether it's his or not, then complains if anyone touches his things. He doesn't do what he is told unless you WATCH him and make sure. He gets happy when bad things happen. Then he is a "kiss up". He has this sticky sweet "I loooove you sooo much." routine... Yes, a routine. I want to ask, "Why? Do you really? Do you love me because I am cooking your food? Do you love me because you are feeling guilty for being such a brat lately?" (no, I do not say those things to him) He is turning 11 and I keep hoping he will outgrow these things... Last week I heard that he told a neighbor several complaints about homelife... none of which were true or in context. He told someone else that I make him sleep on bed frame bars!!! It was a "poor, poor me" moment being replayed to anyone giving him attention. (the bed thing was that he wet through his protective sheet, ruined a mattress and I made him a pallet on the floor to sleep on and he CHOSE to sleep on the bars of his bed... and this was until we got paid to buy a new mattress cover for a nice mattress...) Right now I am being fair, but neutral. I don't engage in anything with him unless I have to. He has the same rules and consequences as the others in the house. Have you ever just not liked one of the kids? I know that I have to work on my attitude... I just know that I have to stay neutral and matter of fact... and that isn't always what is best, either... and I feel like the way he has been behaving that he doesn't deserve special time... if I were told that he just needs some hugs and one on one, I would not really WANT to. Okay,throw the tomatoes... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 he CHOSE to sleep on the bars of his bed... If I had one that contrary, I'd seriously consider counseling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose_king Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Okay, get your tomatoes... take aim, because I have a bad attitude towards my child.. Okay,throw the tomatoes... Throwing no stones here. I thought girls were only this dramatic. They really get off on the woe is me garbage. :glare: I don't have an answer, but you are not in this alone. I ignore a lot of it, address what I have to, and generally pray that this "phase"will end soon. :tongue_smilie: :lurk5: Let's see what everyone else has to say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 No tomatoes, Bee. I know that you go to family counseling. Has your counselor given any good insight? Do you do a family Bible study? Might I suggest that studying the book of Proverbs might be a good one? (I will pray that the Lord softens your son's heart.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Okay, get your tomatoes... take aim, because I have a bad attitude towards my child... He lies. Not just that, though. He takes just a bit of a story and repeats it in a way that makes others look bad. He is always eager to get another person in trouble. He gets into ANYTHING, whether it's his or not, then complains if anyone touches his things. He doesn't do what he is told unless you WATCH him and make sure. He gets happy when bad things happen. Then he is a "kiss up". He has this sticky sweet "I loooove you sooo much." routine... Yes, a routine. I want to ask, "Why? Do you really? Do you love me because I am cooking your food? Do you love me because you are feeling guilty for being such a brat lately?" (no, I do not say those things to him) He is turning 11 and I keep hoping he will outgrow these things... Last week I heard that he told a neighbor several complaints about homelife... none of which were true or in context. He told someone else that I make him sleep on bed frame bars!!! It was a "poor, poor me" moment being replayed to anyone giving him attention. (the bed thing was that he wet through his protective sheet, ruined a mattress and I made him a pallet on the floor to sleep on and he CHOSE to sleep on the bars of his bed... and this was until we got paid to buy a new mattress cover for a nice mattress...) Right now I am being fair, but neutral. I don't engage in anything with him unless I have to. He has the same rules and consequences as the others in the house. Have you ever just not liked one of the kids? I know that I have to work on my attitude... I just know that I have to stay neutral and matter of fact... and that isn't always what is best, either... and I feel like the way he has been behaving that he doesn't deserve special time... if I were told that he just needs some hugs and one on one, I would not really WANT to. Okay,throw the tomatoes... Does he have a diagnosis? I used to work with kids with behavior problems, etc. and this sounds like a child who needs very, very careful parenting and that it would be helpful to have outside consultation from someone who works a lot with kids like him. (IOW, I'm not criticizing your parenting; I'm saying that he sounds difficult to parent and that he needs specialized parenting.) It doesn't sound like something he'll grow out of, but rather, that he will need very specific intervention. It's normal not to like a kid like that even if you love him. Perhaps a support group for parents with similar kids would be helpful. You don't have to like him. Just staying neutral is a huge achievement and a sign of your love; however, it would also be good to find something that you can do positively with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyndie Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 :lurk5: and :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Then he is a "kiss up". He has this sticky sweet "I loooove you sooo much." routine... Yes, a routine. I want to ask, "Why? Do you really? Do you love me because I am cooking your food? Do you love me because you are feeling guilty for being such a brat lately?" (no, I do not say those things to him) No tomatoes here! You are so much better of a mom than I am. I probably would say those things if one of my kids pulled this one out. Kudos for you! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 I can TOTALLY relate. DD is almost 10 and very much the same! I have had plenty of moments where I feel like I love my other 2 more. I completely, 100% get it. I still find that I get annoyed with her VERY easily and catch myself saying snarking things when I shouldn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 :grouphug: My 11yo is so difficult to love. I really, truly do love him, but I have to consciously remind myself of it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And there are still days when it's almost impossible to actually demonstrate that love. If there's a bright side, it's that a good day is the equivalent of a fantastic day when all things are relative! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 Excellent point Carrie! And said much better than I could have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 Hmmm. Why, in his heart, does he think that he's being treated unfairly? Why does he need to put others down to make himself feel better? I don't know the answers, but those are the questions I would be asking myself. Lastly, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and give yourself a pat for not being baited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted March 4, 2010 Author Share Posted March 4, 2010 I think he thinks he is being treated unfairly because he often gets in trouble and other siblings dont. But, they don't because they don't break the rules like he does. And he knows that he breaks the rules and gets the consequence by his own doing. Recently, because of his statements, I started having him repeat my instructions. Then I told him that he was told to repeat this because he acts as though he didn't know what he was told and then gets upset that it isn't fair that he got in trouble. Then I started also having him repeat the consequence for disobeying... things like... if you do not do this chore, you have to do another one, too... or if you hit someone, you have to stay in the room with me... etc. He has the same rules as everyone else, though I do VARY the consequences depending on the child. I think he likes to put others down or get them into trouble simply because he gets into trouble so often... anyway... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 I have a difficult child too. He is 14. I took him and his sister out last night to an educational event with a group of MY peers- it was an astronomical evening, we got to look at stars through telescopes etc- and he spent a lot of the time trying to manipulate me by telling me he was going to keep annnoying me and emotionally blackmailing me until I gave him money to buy junk food. Then he said at the meal table, to anyone who was listening, that I forced him to homeschool and he really wanted to go to school. This was not a homeschooling function and he knows that would embarrass me. He didn't want to go to the event- he made sure I suffered for taking him. Ugh, he can be truly horrible. But, he has always been a challenge. I don't know why I do, because he doesn't appear to deserve it, but I still absolutely adore this kid. I think that's all you can do. Grab those brief moments of a cuddle, a tickle on the bed, look at him sleeping...catch those innocent moments. Find the good in him. For me, it made it all worth it last night when I was finally ready to go home,- my son insisted I come back to look at the moon again through the telescope, because he was so awestruck by it. We could see so much detail. THAT'S why I took him for that sort of experience. But he thinks my job in life is to terrorise him in the name of an education, or chores, or computer restrictions! I guess I treat the whole situation as a task that has been given to me...to take care of a difficult child who needs EXTRA love and EXTRA patience. SO, in a sense, its like a spiritual practice to me. And those days I really muck up, lose my temper, say things I regret- well, I just forgive myself, apologise and move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 I guess I treat the whole situation as a task that has been given to me...to take care of a difficult child who needs EXTRA love and EXTRA patience. SO, in a sense, its like a spiritual practice to me. And those days I really muck up, lose my temper, say things I regret- well, I just forgive myself, apologise and move on. Yes. My daughter with autism can be challenging. Not can be...is. She's trying to navigate all of the emotional, social, mental tasks of moving from childhood to adulthood with limited social boundaries and understanding. *sigh* Some days, honestly, I don't like her very much. I'm angry that things have to be so difficult. So I focus on the gifts. God has given me not what I want, but what I need. This child, her presence in my life, our life together and the challenges we face, has given me gifts that cannot be measured. A challenging life that requires my active participation every single day. Appreciation of even the smallest steps. Grace. Boundless love. Knowledge that when I get to the very edge, to my limit, I can stretch just a little further. Knowing that even when I stumble and fall-- when I yell, when I cry, when I whine-- I will eventually pick myself up and keep walking. :grouphug: Hang in there. They will grow up to be who they are, and we will continue to grow too. Eventually, I think (pray, hope), they will get it. Or they won't and we will love them anyway. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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