Anyone read 'The Gift of Fear'?

[cathmom]

Bill, from what I've read, De Becker wants to take the reader to that spot in your mind with thoughts that you dread going to. He describes it in detail and then breaks it down into pieces for better understanding. He does this not to make one fearful, but to make one aware. There are many things that we don't want to think about that could very well happen. The thoughts are too harsh, too scary. But his whole point is that those who want to deny those thoughts are the most vulnerable. Knowing the dangerous situation and really dissecting is key to protecting yourself in the future. You come away feeling more empowered because your no longer 'in the dark' about those thoughts, those possibilities, your no long afraid to even think it because you already did.

 

 

 

Exactly! He does this in Protecting the Gift with every parent's worst fear - the stranger kidnapping. He takes you step by step through a real scenario and points out the warning signs, and then gives you guidelines to go by. I was just using a concept from that the other day when one of my children was a bit far away from me. I evaluated whether or not anyone else was closer to him than me, and there wasn't, so I relaxed.

[FO4UR]

Example from my real life, Bill:

 

Monday, I went to the library by myself. There was a book sale and I bought 2 very heavy boxes full of books (woot woot for the good deal:D).

 

On my way out to my van (with heavy box #1), a man I don't know offered me help. (red flag - I did not ASK for help...I didn't even see him before I heard the offer) I decline, as I am the only other person in the parking lot. This man was probably just a nice guy...but there were a few other things that told me to NOT accept help from him....don't allow him to get close to me.

 

#1 - he wasn't with a wife/kids/friends

#2 - he offered help "out of the blue"

#3 - we were the only 2 people in the parking lot

#4 - when I declined his help, he made a remark about me being "stubborn"...this was the most alarming b/c that's him telling me that my *instinct* is off...I don't need HIS opinion on MY instinct.;)

 

 

I wasn't afraid though.

 

I high-tailed it to a spot with other people around (bad guys don't generally do bad stuff with witnesses around). I engaged him in small talk ...I took control of the conversation...I ended the conversation.

 

I watched where he went in the building....and took notice when I left again for my van. If I hadn't seen him in the building as I left...I would have been checking out the parking lot before I left, looking for other people around, etc..

 

I didn't really think these things "out loud." I just did them. I wasn't afraid. I was listening to that primal instinct.

 

Now, my dh would say "shame on you for assuming the worst about a nice guy trying to help a lady carry a box of books." And I would reply, "Shame on you for attempting to disarm a woman of her basic instinct to protect herself."

 

Now, I'm sure I would have fought if I had to...but this guy was over 6ft/over 250lb....I'm barely 5ft tall and I'm not telling how much I weigh LOL, but MUCH less than 250lb:lol:... If I let things get to the point of a physical fight, my chances of escaping unharmed diminish...and knowing a few techniques for fighting dirty does not help much when the perp could easily pick me up and throw me into his trunk (or MY trunk...that he's helping me put books into:glare:)....with as much ease as me picking up my toddler and putting him in his carseat. Really!

 

16yo girls need to think like this, especially if they want to be independent and live without constant fear.

[smrtmama]

Your comments about exposing a sweet sixteen year old girl to the realities of rape are a little whimsical. The fact is that she IS very vulnerable to rape and empowering her with the knowledge of how to assess and be aware of those situations is much more helpful to her than shielding her from reality.

 

I haven't read Protecting the Gift yet, but Gift of Fear has a huge focus on acquaintance assaults, which is the most common source of sexual assault. A girl just entering dating age is going to be especially vulnerable to that. 1 in 6 women will be the victim of a sexual assault in her lifetime (according to RAINN's latest statistics) and college-aged women are four times more likely to be assaulted than women of any other age group. 16 is exactly the age that a girl needs to become aware of the realities of rape (if not earlier).

[Joanne]

Now, my dh would say "shame on you for assuming the worst about a nice guy trying to help a lady carry a box of books." And I would reply, "Shame on you for attempting to disarm a woman of her basic instinct to protect herself."

 

.

 

This is exactly what I gained from the books and the reason I reacted so strongly to Bill's posts in this thread.

[smrtmama]

This is exactly what I gained from the books and the reason I reacted so strongly to Bill's posts in this thread.

 

Yes, I think that's why many of us are reacting so strongly. I know I've put the knowledge from DeBecker's book to use on more than one occasion. That I read it before I developed such bad post-partum anxiety is a godsend, because I can tap into that knowledge sometimes when I'm having a hard time distinguishing between a legitimate situation for concern and "oh, you're just being anxious over nothing again!"

[sleepymommy]

I haven't read Protecting the Gift yet, but Gift of Fear has a huge focus on acquaintance assaults, which is the most common source of sexual assault. A girl just entering dating age is going to be especially vulnerable to that. 1 in 6 women will be the victim of a sexual assault in her lifetime (according to RAINN's latest statistics) and college-aged women are four times more likely to be assaulted than women of any other age group. 16 is exactly the age that a girl needs to become aware of the realities of rape (if not earlier).

 

Certainly! Also in Protecting the Gift, it does use an example of a teenage girl befriending some neighbors of her family's vacation home. Nice couple, they treated her like family. The husband even kind of warded off another potential 'attacker' of her. But then lo and behold, one day that same father figure friend of hers made a move on her. In her case, she used the best defenses she had, which happened to not be physical in this case and escaped. De Becker actually states that in this case, trying to fight the guy off probably would have been a wrong move.

 

I also want to throw out there, that this book is not solely geared towards protecting women and daughters. I have two boys and learned SO MUCH from it. We don't always view the vulnerability of boys and young men the same as we do girls and young women, so it's easier to be less careful with them. This book reminded me about need the for my vigilance in their safety too. Again, I'm not feeling paranoid or overly fearful for them, I'm feeling much more solid in my awareness and ability to keep them safe.

[wbtx]

what you said, which is read it first then decide if it is appropriate for your daughter. I have 4 daughters and each of them have been in such different places at 16. After you read it, you will be able to tell if it is too much for her. This discussion has really made me want both of the books, of course a discussion on any book makes me want it but that's another story.

~w

[smrtmama]

I also want to throw out there, that this book is not solely geared towards protecting women and daughters. I have two boys and learned SO MUCH from it. We don't always view the vulnerability of boys and young men the same as we do girls and young women, so it's easier to be less careful with them.

 

 

That's so true. Men are less likely to be sexually assaulted, but boys and young men are frequent victims of many other kinds of violent crimes. Developing awareness and learning to listen to your instincts are skills for either sex and any age.

[Wyndie]

These books empowered me to get back to listening to those instincts I had so rigorously been trained to ignore (after all, I *AM* a southern belle lol). If I had been given that book at the age of 16, I would have rather gone thru it with my mom b/c reading that ALONE at such a young age would have scared me. At the age I did read them (30something), it helped me learn to distinguish unreasonable fear from reasonable, it did not scare me. Now when my alarm bells go off, I am on high alert to avoid and/or respond, not stand there in terror and indecision.

 

So to answer the OPs question, I would read it and then go thru it with your dd. I give my children tips even now of things I have learned from that book, encouraging my very gullible dd to listen to what her head is telling her instead of ignoring it to "be nice". Being sensitive to your dd's preference of dealing with this topic alone or with you would be best, IMO.

[hornblower]

Another thing too that males get out of these books is a greater awareness of how even good guys might be making women uncomfortable. My dh is a large guy & walks very briskly. He realizes now that he sometimes can make women uncomfortable because it sounds like he's pursuing them down the street. In quiet neighbourhoods he'll slow down and try to cross the street so some poor woman doesn't have a huge guy looming around behind her.

[FO4UR]

 

I give my children tips even now of things I have learned from that book, encouraging my very gullible dd to listen to what her head is telling her instead of ignoring it to "be nice". Being sensitive to your dd's preference of dealing with this topic alone or with you would be best, IMO.

 

:iagree:

 

I recently read "Little Red Riding Hood" to my little ones. I discussed how "Red" recognized something wasn't right about the wolf in the woods, but ignored her "fear" and gave him personal info (where grandma's cabin is located)...she then ignored that feeling that something wasn't right when "grandma's" voice sounded an awful lot like the wolf....step-by-step, this girl had warning signs. she ignored them and ended up as lunch for the big bad wolf.

 

Now, the kids know this story is pretend, but I *hope* they remember the bits of wisdom about following that gut instinct.

 

This is a life-long lesson!

[KidsHappen]

Biil, I am just going to jump on top of this dog pile and point out that I don't want my dds to be physically close enough that they need to deploy self defense methods. I want them to catch on to what is going on before a predator is within stricking distance. I want them to know it is ok to be rude and leave with out explanation, to say no or raise a scene, to ask strangers for help. I have read The Gift of Fear and I found it helpful and if you read my post from last night, you know that I am currently dealing with a real danger in my life that I am trying to prepare my dds for without making them overly fearful. I am trying to empower them to act before the need to defend themselves and not to have an over exaggerated sense of what they can do based on the fact that they have been trained in self defense. Over confidence can be a dangerous thing as well. Better to avoid the situation entirely than to engage and discover they you can be bested by your opponant. And I am sorry to say that I agree with the other women, you can not possibly understand what it is like to be a woman. You can be sympthetic but you can not be empathetic. When an overwhelming number of women are telling you that you are mistaken about your preceptions of female experiences, well, a wise man would listen and maybe reconsider. I believe you to be a wise man, Bill. Perhaps if you removed yourself from the immediate debate and gave yourself some time to think about it, you may be more open to hearing our voices.

[Spy Car]

Biil, I am just going to jump on top of this dog pile and point out that I don't want my dds to be physically close enough that they need to deploy self defense methods.

 

Who would?

 

I want them to catch on to what is going on before a predator is within stricking distance.

 

Me too.

 

I want them to know it is ok to be rude and leave with out explanation, to say no or raise a scene, to ask strangers for help.

 

For sure.

 

I have read The Gift of Fear and I found it helpful and if you read my post from last night, you know that I am currently dealing with a real danger in my life that I am trying to prepare my dds for without making them overly fearful. I am trying to empower them to act before the need to defend themselves and not to have an over exaggerated sense of what they can do based on the fact that they have been trained in self defense.

 

Sounds wise.

 

Over confidence can be a dangerous thing as well.

 

True.

 

Better to avoid the situation entirely than to engage and discover they you can be bested by your opponant.

 

I agree.

 

 

And I am sorry to say that I agree with the other women, you can not possibly understand what it is like to be a woman. You can be sympthetic but you can not be empathetic.

 

I would suggest it's better not to speculate on the degree of other people's capacity to be empathic, much less to suggest they can "not be empathetic" because their gender doesn't match.

 

When an overwhelming number of women are telling you that you are mistaken about your preceptions of female experiences, well, a wise man would listen and maybe reconsider.

 

When adult women (who I respect, as is the case here) tell me they have gotten value from the book, I listen. When a police officer and self-defense instructor tells me he values the book (even though he is a man) I listen.

 

I questioned the appropriateness of this book for a naive (as opposed to a "street-smart") 16 year old. That's based on very little reading, but enough to make me question this book as an "introduction" to self defense and danger awareness.

 

Those things are a vital part of a child's education IMO, and a parent should attend to that education with appropriate means.

 

I believe you to be a wise man, Bill. Perhaps if you removed yourself from the immediate debate and gave yourself some time to think about it, you may be more open to hearing our voices.

 

And sometimes I wonder if people actually read my posts, or if they respond to the straw-men they create in their head (not you :001_smile:)

 

I feel like taking of my bomb-suit now :001_huh:

 

Bill

[KidsHappen]

I questioned the appropriateness of this book for a naive (as opposed to a "street-smart") 16 year old. That's based on very little reading, but enough to make me question this book as an "introduction" to self defense and danger awareness.

 

Those things are a vital part of a child's education IMO, and a parent should attend to that education with appropriate means.

 

 

Bill

 

I agree that this particular book is probably not appropriate for most children but I do believe that it could be helpful to a parent in deciding what and when to teach their children about certain things. You are a gentleman as always, Bill and I appreciate your kind replies. :)

[Blueridge]

I wanted to thank each and every one of you wise, wonderful people for sharing from your hearts. I have been enlightened by your gracious responses. I found a copy of Protecting the Gift on my basement book shelves today that I had forgotten I owned. It's been some years since I read it, so I am now reading it again. Perhaps then I will decide to give it to my dd, if I think she can be well served by it's candor. We're also going to look into some local self-defense classes over the summer. Many thanks to you all~

[smrtmama]

I wanted to thank each and every one of you wise, wonderful people for sharing from your hearts. I have been enlightened by your gracious responses. I found a copy of Protecting the Gift on my basement book shelves today that I had forgotten I owned. It's been some years since I read it, so I am now reading it again. Perhaps then I will decide to give it to my dd, if I think she can be well served by it's candor. We're also going to look into some local self-defense classes over the summer. Many thanks to you all~

 

That's a wonderful combination. Education AND physically empower.

[smrtmama]

Who would?

 

 

 

Me too.

 

 

 

For sure.

 

 

 

Sounds wise.

 

 

 

True.

 

 

 

I agree.

 

 

 

 

I would suggest it's better not to speculate on the degree of other people's capacity to be empathic, much less to suggest they can "not be empathetic" because their gender doesn't match.

 

 

 

When adult women (who I respect, as is the case here) tell me they have gotten value from the book, I listen. When a police officer and self-defense instructor tells me he values the book (even though he is a man) I listen.

 

I questioned the appropriateness of this book for a naive (as opposed to a "street-smart") 16 year old. That's based on very little reading, but enough to make me question this book as an "introduction" to self defense and danger awareness.

 

Those things are a vital part of a child's education IMO, and a parent should attend to that education with appropriate means.

 

 

 

And sometimes I wonder if people actually read my posts, or if they respond to the straw-men they create in their head (not you :001_smile:)

 

I feel like taking of my bomb-suit now :001_huh:

 

Bill

 

Bill, you should be commended for thinking about women's safety and trying to help find solutions that will help young women both feel safe AND be safe.

 

Sorry that you felt bombed -- so many of us have had violent or unsavory encounters that it's hard to not react viscerally to someone doubting the veracity of a tool that has worked well for us.

 

You're a mensch.