need consequence for uncooperative teen

[Cheryl in NM]

Ds is 13. He's gotten in the habit of "forgetting" and just plain not doing what I tell him to do. Especially when I take my hour-long walk. Then I get home and he's watching a movie or playing Wii.

 

Today, when I got home and he was playing Wii, I called him on it. He refused to study, said he knew it (when I tested his knowledge; he didn't). I told him to study for 20 min. before I would test his knowledge again. H argued for 8 minutes, even saying he knew he was breaking the 4th commandment, but I deserved it.

 

Consequences: he loses 1 hour of game play when school work is over because I was gone for an hour and he was on the Wii when I got back.

 

I need stricter consequences for the continued arguing and defense of what he knows are his incorrect and disrespecful behavior.

 

any ideas?

[Pamela H in Texas]

What *I* would do is have it where he doesn't get to do X (video games, tv, play with friends, chat with friends, etc) until you can check it. If you can't check, then he waits til you can. After some consistency, he can call you when he's finished with the work and you can then verbally check it so he can do X. When you can, check it for real. If he's done well, he can stay at this level. Then finally loosen it back up to where you have it now. The idea isn't really to be punitive but to 1) meet him where he is and work up to where he'd like to be and 2) give him appropriate life skills and values for your family. Keep this logical, not punitive (though it may feel similar to him).

 

I would also DISCIPLINE though as I think this is most important. Ask him questions to get him thinking on how he can take care of business without consequences overhead, without "forgetting," etc. If you really thought he was honestly forgetting, you might do this before doing the above consequences. Some kids are ditzy; is yours?

 

As for the arguing and defensiveness? I'd simply tell him that he can write out his side of the discussion, but that you will not listen to what is essentially back talk and/or dishonesty. If he REALLY cares, he'll write it out so y'all can discuss it. He probably won't. Let him know that this is how it will be from now on when nothing is going on. Then in a situation, say, "write it" and walk away.

 

I WOULD have one more thing in place though. He NEEDS to feel like he can be heard. You need a cue that basically says, "can I please have my say right now; it's important." It can be a phrase or a sign or both. But it should "stop the world" basically in order to let him be heard....though he does need to be respectful and honest when this happens.

 

HTHs a little,

[HeathenMom]

i make my 13 yo DS run a mile when the teen attitude gets out of hand. it works wonders!

[Ritsumei]

An hour loss seems like a small loss to me. But here's a question for you: is he getting more attention (good or bad) for ignoring his work, or for doing it? Maybe the "pay-off" is bigger when he doesn't comply?

 

I *love love love* both Christlike Parenting: Taking the Pain Out of Parenting by Glenn Latham, and Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach by Glasser and Easley.

 

Christlike Parenting is based on Biblical principal, and is a lovely blend of sound gospel understanding and good behavior research - and it's still readable!

 

Transforming the Difficult Child is one that we used with my teens when I worked at a facility for kids dually diagnosed with mental and emotional handicaps. Worked miracles. The little boys' unit, where nearly all the kids had moderate to severe ADHD was amazing, in the transformation that went on when the supervisor insisted all the staff read and then apply the stuff. There were plenty of skeptics too, but the results were undeniable! It's specifically written for kids with ADHD, but I've used the principles working with less intense children with lovely results too. IMO it's useful for way more than just "labeled" children. They've got a website with an excerpt.

[mooooom]

went on the walk with you. Or he went on the walk with you. I wouldn't allow ANY multimedia until all schoolwork is completed and checked. Sounds like he isn't responsible enough to deserve the freedom he's been given.

 

I'm out of the house (at work) until 1PM everyday and my kids have never not had all their work completed when I returned. They know I would have to quit and all their expensive after school activities would vanish forever.

[JFSinIL]

I would not be taking an hour-long walk during school time.

[spradlin02]

Throw the Wii in the trash.

[Bokons]

i make my 13 yo DS run a mile when the teen attitude gets out of hand. it works wonders!

 

How do you make sure he is actually running the whole mile? Do you go with him, or are able to keep track of him somehow? This is something I would like to do, but am not sure how to implement it.

[TxMama]

I think Pamela H from Texas has some great ideas.

 

Make sure he has time to talk to you calmly about whatever is bothering him....plan a family meeting.

 

As far as the Wii. You should be able to go walking and have a 13 yo do his work while you are out. I would remove the Wii from the equation. I would box it up and remove it the next time he doesn't do his work. I also wouldn't argue with him about it. Have a family meeting and state that is the plan for the next time he gets on the wii when he is suppose to be doing work. But this will only work if the Wii is more important to him than it is to you.

 

 

 

I had a stubborn child. We got in the habit of a weekly family meeting and keeping notes of everything that was said. We would draw up a contract and have everyone sign it. Simple and effective and no gray areas....if you follow through.

 

Best of luck,mama!

[cougarmom4]

I'd take the Wii remotes with me on my walk.

I'd make sure he knows exactly what you expect him to have completed by a specific time.

I'd perhaps limit screen time to Fri, Sat, Sun--even have him earn minutes (all work completed by certain time = 30 minutes screen time on those days).

[Cheryl in NM]

Thank you everybody!

 

I have made him run before. I can see most of the mile (round trip) I require, but he doesn't always run. He usually returns in a better mood and doesn't know that I've watched him. Not sure what to do about that.

 

I only walk when he has independent work to complete. I feel I should be able leave a 13 year old home alone to complete this independent work for an hour. But, I told him that next time he has to come, but he has to run. My walk is adult time with my neighbor so I'm multi-tasking my exercise and social time.

 

Part of the problem I see is that I allow him to budget his time for the day. Sometime he's done with schoolwork in a few hours, other times it takes him 6-9 hours because he just doesn't focus.

 

I forgot the attention thing. He definitley gets a lot of attention when he "forgets" or refuses to do what he's told. I'll check out those book recommendations, thanks! I'll be more mindful of the positive attention I focus on him. We played Wii for hours last night. It's really a family thing for us since DH loves gaming.

 

Part of this is my fault because I've spread myself so thin that I got a few weeks behind in grading. I like the idea of no multi-media until the work is checked.

 

I think I will also require a start time for school, but let him pick the order of subjects. I think we need to tighten up our schedule again; it's gotten too loosey goosey.

 

As for making expectations clear; I definitely did that today. I like the idea of having him write out his arguments. He's on a debate team so he'll probably like that also. And we do need to focus on a way for him to respectfully and truthfully speak his mind.

 

Thanks so much everyone!

[MIch elle]

I would not be taking an hour-long walk during school time.

 

:iagree:

 

 

I walk BEFORE school starts for the day.

[Parrothead]

Thank you everybody!

 

I have made him run before. I can see most of the mile (round trip) I require, but he doesn't always run. He usually returns in a better mood and doesn't know that I've watched him. Not sure what to do about that.

Have a daily run/walk be part of his day the same way it is part of yours.

 

I only walk when he has independent work to complete. I feel I should be able leave a 13 year old home alone to complete this independent work for an hour. But, I told him that next time he has to come, but he has to run. My walk is adult time with my neighbor so I'm multi-tasking my exercise and social time.

I agree, a 13-year old should be able to do independent work for an hour. My 10 year old will it. I don't leave home, but I'm not right beside her.

 

Part of the problem I see is that I allow him to budget his time for the day. Sometime he's done with schoolwork in a few hours, other times it takes him 6-9 hours because he just doesn't focus.

That will come. Dd had to loose a day of dance lessons because she did not complete her work in a timely manner. Once a certain age is acheived and the connection made, loss of an activity because of timeliness should be instituted. It may take more than one time, though.

 

I forgot the attention thing. He definitley gets a lot of attention when he "forgets" or refuses to do what he's told. I'll check out those book recommendations, thanks! I'll be more mindful of the positive attention I focus on him. We played Wii for hours last night. It's really a family thing for us since DH loves gaming.

We are another family that can play video games for hours. But it is not allowed unless all school and chores are done. Maybe sitting out an evening of fun with dad will cause some responsibility to develop.

 

Part of this is my fault because I've spread myself so thin that I got a few weeks behind in grading. I like the idea of no multi-media until the work is checked.

;) Maybe for everyone.

 

I think I will also require a start time for school, but let him pick the order of subjects. I think we need to tighten up our schedule again; it's gotten too loosey goosey.

I'm at that place too. It can be difficult. Good luck.

 

As for making expectations clear; I definitely did that today. I like the idea of having him write out his arguments. He's on a debate team so he'll probably like that also. And we do need to focus on a way for him to respectfully and truthfully speak his mind.

 

Thanks so much everyone!

:grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Cheryl,

 

I think you're on the right track. I think it's ridiculous that you should do your walk at a different time or cut it out. You are absolutely RIGHT that a 13yo, with some discipline, is able to do his independent work without you babysitting. You are also RIGHT that you can have ALL of the Wii in the house while he does so. And you are also RIGHT that you should be able to own a video game. The kid is THIRTEEN, not three!

 

In fact, I would DEFINITELY leave the game in the house and DEFINITELY take that walk. I think that overly controlling the situation or the child when they are teens is a HUGE mistake. How do they learn discipline if we set up the environment with no temptations? How do they learn discipline if we keep things so controlled they don't have to think or make choices? How do they gain character? How do they learn basic values such as work before play?

 

Now, if we were talking about a 3yr old, I would say remove temptations or set things up differently and DEFINITELY make sure there is constant supervision. But he's THIRTEEN. He has a few years to figure out how to control himself, make good choices, deal with temptations of life, etc. Though he'll tweak them as he ages (don't we all?), you do not want him going hog-wild like so many kids do at 16, 18, 21 years old when they finally don't have mommy controlling everything.

 

Give him life skills, good values, a chance to develop (more) his character. Don't treat him like he's 3 like several of the posts above suggested.

 

BTW, I have two teens older than your ds. We have always let things be as loose as we could (high standards, but not controlling). We gave our kids the skills, values, and OPPORTUNITIES to make it work. And they are GREAT people. STRICT is good (imo), but I always REALLY worry when people are micromanaging, helicoptering, extremely controlling, babying, etc especially with teens. It really is a bad idea, imo, causing kids to either be severely over-dependent or go totally nuts once they are free.

 

Sorry for the soapbox.

[Peela]

I think you are on the right track...but I walk before school starts, here, because if I leave the room, concentration goes down. My kids are both teens. Dd15 can focus if I am not around, but ds14 is not mature enough, mostly. We do have a strict school routine though....and I keep myself to it, too. As in, I am ready by 8.30 am for school, as I expect the kids to be. Housework and exercise etc happens outside school hours. Not that I "do school" all school hours- but I am available, in the room with them- usually at my desk. Although I "shold" be able to leave the room...its not so relevant as what actually works.

Getting weeks behind in grading...well, BTDT. I think its hard for a kid to be motivated if they arent getting immediate feedback. Since I implemented the workbox system, the marking of work has taken a huge improvement because I have to go through each box each evening and set it up for the next day. It keeps me accountable. I find homeschooling is actually more about myself keeping it together, than the kids doing their side. If I am together...well, it generally all flows pretty well. If I am chaotic, too much happening...well, it definitely shows in our school routine, and I just do the best I can till we get back to our routine. But, it all boils down to me, every time.

[Chris in VA]

Cheryl, I just wanted to compliment you on your lovely attitude--you took what each person said, gleaned what you needed, and even had the humility to recognize what you may do differently--

I really appreciate that.:001_smile:

[Cheryl in NM]

Cheryl, I just wanted to compliment you on your lovely attitude--you took what each person said, gleaned what you needed, and even had the humility to recognize what you may do differently--

I really appreciate that.:001_smile:

 

Thank you so much! :001_smile: It easier some times than others that's for sure! I just appreciate everyone's helpful and prompt replies! It got me through the crisis and gave me ideas to try for continued improvement!

 

We had a family meeting last night and laid out my ideas, including ground rules for ds to be heard. Dad handled the "no" and disrespect issue. Let's hope it sticks for a while!

[HeathenMom]

How do you make sure he is actually running the whole mile? Do you go with him, or are able to keep track of him somehow? This is something I would like to do, but am not sure how to implement it.

 

 

i have him do it on the treadmill while i'm at the gym. sometimes i'm right beside him, other times i keep an eye on him from afar. honestly, it has been the best disciplinary tool i have ever used...the first time he ran a mile he was in so much trouble and i was so mad at him, but by the time he was done he was exhausted and proud of himself (and i was proud of him as well!). he had no idea he could run a mile, he'd thought it was impossible. it tires the attitude out of them and i think it builds character. as he gets older i'll probably have to up the distance, though!

:)