Failing.

[AlmiraGulch]

Let me just say that this is going to be a really long, really self-indulgent post. I'm warning you now so you can feel free to click out if you're so inclined! I just have nowhere else to get this out, and I really do need to get it out.

 

I'm completely overwhelmed and feel that I'm failing at everything right now.

 

Some of you already know that only my eldest daughter is homeschooled, and while it's going better than I even expected, I say that with a grain of salt. I have all but removed myself from her education, leaving it to her father at this point, who I suspect doesn't do a particularly good job of it. I researched and studied and paid for the curriculum I thought would be best for her, and then after a few months stopped even reviewing her work daily.

 

Some of you also know that my ex-husband moved back in with me last June, and since he doesn't work I decided he needed to be the one who made sure that eldest DD gets up everyday and completes her work. I work full-time, so this was his way of contributing to the household. While he does get up and get her up, he lets her slack on some things simply by not making her do them. PE, piano and guitar practice regularly get skipped, and her writing assignements are faltering because he doesn't go through them very rigorously. I really feel like I have a 50 year old third child because I have to follow up on him to be sure he follows up on her. It's completely exhausting.

 

Meanwhile, I'm working a RIDICULOUS amount these days. I am extremely fortunate to work from home, but I do have to travel to client sites. 4 of the last 6 weeks I've logged greater than 80 hours per week, and I already know I'm traveling every single week in March. This is why I can't make my ex move out. He's unemployed and would have to move out of state to live with his brother or mother. I have no local support system and I can't afford to quit my job, so I'd have no one to take care of my kids when I'm gone (or lately, even when I'm here). I feel trapped in this case, because the job market is just not good and I don't have time to "dig" for something else. So...failure number 1: I should be more involved in DD1 education because I don't think she's getting as much out of it as she could. Failure number 2: DD2 misses her mom! She's 7, and she literally runs into my arms when I get home from a trip. The other day she made me a cutout little heart and wrote on it "I love you, mom! You're a really hard worker!" Really? That's what she knows of me? That I work hard? Not that I play with her, or watch movies with her, or take her to the bus stop? That makes me so sad. And failure number 2.5 is that she really wants me to home school her, too, but I simply can't. She's too young and would require too much time that I don't have to give. She just feels very left out that her dad, sister and I are home every day while she goes off to school. She's too young to understand or even have to think about the reasons why.

 

Failure number 3: I have no time to even clean my house. If my ex weren't here, I don't know how I would get it done these days. As much as I don't want him here, I simply cannot afford to have him go, and that is a really helpless feeling.

 

Failure number 4: Relationships. There is a man that I love and would love to be with, be we do not live in the same state, and neither of us is in a position to move right now. It's also a pretty helpless feeling, and it's hard for me to accept that I can't even get that right. I'm stupid lonely and would love some support and the positive day-to-day inflluence of this wonderful man in my life, but it just isn't going to happen any time soon. Fail.

 

Failure number 5: My work, which I've always prided myself on, is suffering. I have so much on my plate that things are slipping. For the first time ever, I had to tell my boss that no, I could not take on one more thing and effectively manage it. Today I was in a meeting where someone asked me to pull up a presentation I'd done to share with the group on the web conference, and I honestly didn't even recall having done it. This was a pretty major presentation that I did about a month ago, and I had no idea what she was talking about (and in fact said I hadn't even done such a thing) until she found it and pulled it up on the screen. Wow. For the first time in my entire professional career, I don't want to do anything beyond what is absolutely required of me. I don't want to lead anything. I don't want to spearhead any project. I don't want to be in charge of any initiative. I don't want anyone reporting to me. I don't want to be promoted or climb any ladder. All I want is to do my work in a way that will satisfy my clients and be done with it, and I'm getting quite a bit of flack for it.

 

Failure number 6: I'm in graduate school, finishing my last class before my thesis next quarter. At this point, I'm so burned out that I'm striving for a B. I'm paying an awful lot of money to be doing the minimum required. And I can't quit, because I've taken too long to complete the degree and the University has me on a very strict completion schedule or I'll be removed from the program.

 

Failure number 7: I'm failing to manage all of these trials very well! I feel depressed and overwhelmed and alone. I'm spending too much money, eating too much bad food, not exercising, gaining weight and generally not managing my life in a very positive way. I feel isolated from my friends, ineffective in my job and failing at managing my family and relationships.

 

So.....does anyone see something I'm not? What can I do differently? I'm so close to it that I'm almost in shut-down mode, not seeing anything except what is directly in front of my face. Everything seems like a priority and I'm not doing anything very well at all.

 

If you've read this far...thank you. I really would welcome your input and advice, and there is no one in my real life I can share these things with. I do have friends, but they're probably sick of hearing about it. Lately I've just sort of withdrawn, and they don't get that either. Oh...so I guess that's failure number 8. Sigh.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

that's an awful lot....

you are doing an amazing job under impossible circumstances.

 

so, hypothetically, what would happen if after your thesis, you sold your house, quit your job and moved to be with someone who loves you?

 

meanwhile, each time you step out the door, take in a deep breath and relish the world around you. hug your kids, write them little notes to discover during the day...

 

and know that there are a lot of "virtual" people who care a lot!

ann

[Mrs Mungo]

You have *a lot* on your plate. Is there anything you could do to lessen it a little? Could ex get a part-time evening job? Could you afford to hire someone to come in and clean once a week? Maybe there is a mom in your area who teaches writing classes (I'm SO thankful that my eldest has a wonderful writing teacher!).

 

How long do you have left in your master's program? Maybe you could set up short and long term goals to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel that is not a train about to run you down?

[Cindyg]

Wow. My quick inclination is to drop graduate school this afternoon. I love education, and graduate school was really important to me. But where you are -- wow -- you just need to get your head above water. If school still seems important to you another day when you are better situated, you can go back. Especially since you are considering an impeding B to be a failure. That's just not realistic with all you've got going on. And it seems the only thing you can realistically set aside.

 

I'm really sorry for your situation.

 

I know others will have more/better advice.

[AlmiraGulch]

:grouphug:

 

that's an awful lot....

you are doing an amazing job under impossible circumstances.

 

so, hypothetically, what would happen if after your thesis, you sold your house, quit your job and moved to be with someone who loves you?

 

meanwhile, each time you step out the door, take in a deep breath and relish the world around you. hug your kids, write them little notes to discover during the day...

 

and know that there are a lot of "virtual" people who care a lot!

ann

 

Hypothetically speaking....that would be just outstanding. Realistically....so many obstacles I just don't see getting through, like the fact that my house is worth a lot less than I owe for it right now. Sigh.

 

Thank you so much for the kind words. It means a lot!

[AlmiraGulch]

You have *a lot* on your plate. Is there anything you could do to lessen it a little? Could ex get a part-time evening job? Could you afford to hire someone to come in and clean once a week? Maybe there is a mom in your area who teaches writing classes (I'm SO thankful that my eldest has a wonderful writing teacher!).

 

How long do you have left in your master's program? Maybe you could set up short and long term goals to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel that is not a train about to run you down?

 

Ex cannot get a PT job. No one will hire him because he now has a criminal record (got fired for embezzling from his last employer). I could hire someone to clean, but I really don't have to because XH is doing it pretty much, I guess. I hadn't thought about finding someone who teaches writing classes....great idea!

 

The Master's will be done in June. That will be off my plate, but I think i'm going to have to take a teaching job to pay back the student loans. HAHA! If it's not one thing, it's another!

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to respond. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.

[AlmiraGulch]

Wow. My quick inclination is to drop graduate school this afternoon. I love education, and graduate school was really important to me. But where you are -- wow -- you just need to get your head above water. If school still seems important to you another day when you are better situated, you can go back. Especially since you are considering an impeding B to be a failure. That's just not realistic with all you've got going on. And it seems the only thing you can realistically set aside.

 

I'm really sorry for your situation.

 

I know others will have more/better advice.

 

Honestly, I would really like to do that but it doesn't make sense. I'm so close to finishing (should be done in June) and if I drop now the University will drop me. I've taken so much out in school loans for this program that I'll just owe tens of thousands of dollars with no degree to show for it. Ironically, school is not all that important to me anymore. I'm just kind of stuck with it for now. I've made my proverbial bed.....

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

[johnandtinagilbert]

:grouphug: To every thing there is a season. School is almost over. When it is, you'll have more time for both daughters, right? You can only give so much. :grouphug:

 

Feel better soon. Breathe and call your lover far away. Just hear his voice, tuck in your girls and take a bath. To every thing there is a season.

[Mrs Mungo]

Ex cannot get a PT job. No one will hire him because he now has a criminal record (got fired for embezzling from his last employer). I could hire someone to clean, but I really don't have to because XH is doing it pretty much, I guess. I hadn't thought about finding someone who teaches writing classes....great idea!

 

But if he's not doing a very good job keeping the house clean (I only say that because you mentioned house cleaning in your OP)-you might *both* feel better if someone came in to clean bathrooms, thoroughly clean the kitchen and change the sheets once a week. Maybe he'd be better at keeping things tidy if there was someone coming in to *clean*, kwim?

 

Man, too bad about the ex. What is he going to do when you're longer supporting him? Yikes. Could he get a simple job like delivering newspapers in the am? I know the money varies according to geographical area but I had a friend in NC-she had 1 paper route, her dh had 2 and that's all they did for a living. He was in school and she was hsing.

 

The Master's will be done in June. That will be off my plate, but I think i'm going to have to take a teaching job to pay back the student loans. HAHA! If it's not one thing, it's another!

 

I'm sure finishing school will be a HUGE relief! I don't know what you do but will it help with your current career? Will it help you secure a more permanent position or push you into a management track or anything like that? Just thinking aloud, since I don't know your exact career or degree circumstances. :)

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to respond. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.

 

:grouphug:

[Hockey Mom]

Wow, that is a lot to deal with. I don't have any advice (as I quit my demanding job over 10 years ago) that is a viable option for you. All I can offer you is a spot on my prayer list. :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

Wow! I wonder if sitting down with the kiddos and have a family conference would help.

 

Something like this: Mom is in the home stretch for her degree. I need to get it done so when it's over I have better employment opportunities.

Can each of you sign up for these chores...(have a chore list ready).

After you get your degree, would you be able to have a job where your youngest could get more attention, perhaps homeschooling as well? If so, you could tell her how much you miss her now but by...(insert a realistic date) it can be over if they all help now.

 

Talk to xh and ask him to search for some job because by such and such time (again, insert date, either before or after your thesis is done or whenever you feel he will have to go) he will have to find his own place to live.

 

Your "friend" is obviously willing to wait - at least for some time? Have you communicated to him when would be the right time to consider moving closer together, get married, etc., whatever your goal is in this relationship? Again, set some realistic time/date by which you will make this happen. Planning can happen long before that point in time and it will give you a feeling that something is moving forward at least.

 

Speak to your supervisors at work and let them know that you are in the last stages of your degree program and ask nicely if they can cut you a little slack so you can be more productive/efficient/competent working for them after you have your degree. Obviously, if you are planning to sever the work relationship with them, you cannot say anything like this except that you are working on a masters degree and this is your last semester before the thesis. Can they accomodate you just a little?

 

The last thing I would worry about is the state of house. There will be plenty of time cleaning it later. I would also not worry how much it's worth. This will be something to discuss with your friend (if you are the sole owner) and both of you can evaluate the options and think about ways to make something happen.

 

Whenever I feel snowed in by seemingly insurmountable obstacles or timelines, I have to break it all down into smaller chunks and set "little" goals I can achieve here and there.

Also, knowing that I am working on getting everything done in some kind of order makes the "chaotic" feeling go away and I am more peaceful. Make a conscious effort to switch your thinking from "I am failing" to I CAN DO THIS, ONE DAY IT WILL BE EASIER/OVER."

 

[usetoschool]

My first reaction is to tell you to stop calling yourself a failure. How we feel has a lot to do with the story we tell our ourselves. You are doing many great things but there are only so many hours in a day. You seem to have people that love and appreciate you, 99% success at your job and many other good things. I think a lot of it depends on perspective and when you are feeling lost and lonely and overwhelmed, perspective gets a little skewed (or mine does anyway).

 

I don't think you need a big long list to add to your big long list to solve your big long list of problems. I think I would just pick one thing, just one, either the thing that is bothering you most or the thing that you think might help you cope better or whatever and work on it. Just one. And when you feel like a success at that and feel like it is helping then move on. Sometimes there is a domino effect when things start going in the right direction.

 

:grouphug: Sorry you are feeling so bad about your life.

[Caribbean Queen]

Let me rid you of a few failures.

 

Let PE, piano and guitar practice regularly get skipped, and her writing assignements are faltering because he doesn't go through them very rigorously. So...failure number 1: I should be more involved in DD1 education because I don't think she's getting as much out of it as she could.

 

Even stay-at-home mother homeschoolers have issues like this. Don't let this make you feel like a failure. Cut yourself some slack.

 

Failure number 3: I have no time to even clean my house.

 

Daddy cleans, right? No failure here.

 

Failure number 4: Relationships. There is a man that I love and would love to be with, be we do not live in the same state, and neither of us is in a position to move right now.

 

I don't understand why this is a failure on your part. You are a busy lady and live with your ex-husband/children's father. When would you have time to date?

 

Failure number 5: My work, which I've always prided myself on, is suffering. Wow. For the first time in my entire professional career, I don't want to do anything beyond what is absolutely required of me. ...All I want is to do my work in a way that will satisfy my clients and be done with it, and I'm getting quite a bit of flack for it.

 

Okay, so maybe you aren't employee of the year, but you aren't failing either.

[mamato3 all-boy boys]

I just wanted to encourage you. I am exhausted just reading your post! Wow, you are doing superwoman proud!

 

I like the idea of sitting with your kids and helping them understand where you all are with life. That your 7 year old is supporting you like that -- I think -- is a blessing. There's a lot worse she could be doing than cutting out hearts for you and saying that you are a hard worker.

 

Perhaps you can make a big calendar and count down to graduation, and they can help you cross the days off -- I know my 7 yo loves stuff like that. The Nemo diity, "just keep swimming..." keeps popping into my head right now :o)

[Starr]

I think a jar of candies with one for each day until you finish school. You could each have a jar. When the candies are gone, you'll be done! :grouphug:

[Melinda in VT]

About the seven-year-old's letter--don't feel bad. Kids' brains are just weird sometimes. Last Mother's Day my youngest son made me a card at preschool. He dictated, and the teacher wrote: I love my mom because we have a table and chairs.

 

:confused:

 

We've always had a table and chairs. We've had them since before he was born. Nothing special. I cringed a bit, wondering what the teacher thought about his card.

 

I'm sure your daughter recognizes there are many special things about you. She just wants to cheer you up.

 

When I've found myself feeling like one of my kids is neglected, I've found it really helps to make a point of giving that child one good long hug each day. It takes little time, no prep, and yields great results. (When you're on a trip, could you call her at bedtime and do a phone hug?)

 

:grouphug:

 

You have a lot on your plate. I agree with those who said you should stop telling yourself you are a failure. It sounds to me like you are doing beautifully in a really tough spot.

[LauraGB]

Um, first, I need to say that you are...amazing. You have so much on your plate right now - and I'm not sure I could handle it half as well as you are (and still have the presence of mind to ask for advice!).

 

Second,

 

Something like this: Mom is in the home stretch for her degree. I need to get it done so when it's over I have better employment opportunities.

Can each of you sign up for these chores...(have a chore list ready).

After you get your degree, would you be able to have a job where your youngest could get more attention, perhaps homeschooling as well? If so, you could tell her how much you miss her now but by...(insert a realistic date) it can be over if they all help now.

 

Talk to xh and ask him to search for some job because by such and such time (again, insert date, either before or after your thesis is done or whenever you feel he will have to go) he will have to find his own place to live.

 

Your "friend" is obviously willing to wait - at least for some time? Have you communicated to him when would be the right time to consider moving closer together, get married, etc., whatever your goal is in this relationship? Again, set some realistic time/date by which you will make this happen. Planning can happen long before that point in time and it will give you a feeling that something is moving forward at least.

 

Speak to your supervisors at work and let them know that you are in the last stages of your degree program and ask nicely if they can cut you a little slack so you can be more productive/efficient/competent working for them after you have your degree. Obviously, if you are planning to sever the work relationship with them, you cannot say anything like this except that you are working on a masters degree and this is your last semester before the thesis. Can they accomodate you just a little?

 

The last thing I would worry about is the state of house. There will be plenty of time cleaning it later. I would also not worry how much it's worth. This will be something to discuss with your friend (if you are the sole owner) and both of you can evaluate the options and think about ways to make something happen.

 

Whenever I feel snowed in by seemingly insurmountable obstacles or timelines, I have to break it all down into smaller chunks and set "little" goals I can achieve here and there.

Also, knowing that I am working on getting everything done in some kind of order makes the "chaotic" feeling go away and I am more peaceful. Make a conscious effort to switch your thinking from "I am failing" to I CAN DO THIS, ONE DAY IT WILL BE EASIER/OVER."

 

 

:iagree: You are only one person. It sounds like you have a lot of other people in your life. Now is the time to ask for help. You are so close with your degree - finish it. Your kid can live without a perfect music and phys ed regimine - there is always summer to make it up. Meanwhile, she gets a lesson in real grown up life. And bless your heart for letting your xdh live with you! If he's living there, he can help on your terms.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Catherine]

Yes, writing instruction is important, yes, practicing guitar is too, but think of all those unschoolers whose kids go for years without being made to do anything they don't choose. IMO a thirteen year old will be OK for a few more months.

 

When I am in situations like yours (I'm rather overwhelmed now myself) I make a real or mental checklist in rank order. As soon as something disappears, I have a small celebration and move on to the next thing. I'd consider the degree the top of the rank list, just a few months away, and concentrate on finishing it.

 

Housecleaning: I live with 5 men\boys. I work and teach three boys, two with ADD. They do basically nothing useful around the house, and all of the household responsibility falls to me. So I do what I can to my standards and ignore the rest. I hate living in such chaos but it's what I've chosen. I would suggest you lower your housekeeping standards and see if praising him will motivate him to do more or a better job. If not, ignore.

 

Your 7 yo sounds very sweet and observant, and I don't see this as a failure in any way. Just keep loving her.

 

Again I say, hang in there. When school is finished, things will be incrementally better, and you can move on to the next thing.

[AlmiraGulch]

Thank you, all of you. So much.

 

I know that this feeling and these circumstances will pass, but it's so hard to see beyond where you are when you feel like you can barely keep your head above water. I'm certain that each of you has been there at some point, too.

 

Admitedly, I made this post hoping for some practical advice, but really hoping for some support. I've gotten both and I'm so grateful! I've already taken some of it (i.e., hot bath with candles, music and a glass of wine; called my honey and got some support there, made a list of things I HAVE accomplished and completed in the last week, and saw that I am actually getting some things done), and the knot in my got has definitely gotten a bit smaller.