Can it really get better?

[melik]

So I have to admit I've turned into a total lurker.... I have loved reading post after post for months. I hardly ever post. But I've been in other forums and nothing can compare to the diversity and wealth of information here. Thank you ladies!!

 

Just a little it of background. My husband really messed up about three years ago. He lost 2 jobs and some other huge consequences that affected every part of our life. I did think about leaving at times, but never seriously. I said till death do us part and really don't want to go through the consequences of a divorce.

 

Well here it is three years later and he has grown by leaps and bounds and is still really working on it. But the problem now is me. I've lost my.......my....I don't know. I have a complete lack of motivation for the whole thing. I'm completely indifferent to him and sometime I really just can't stand him. I can really see that he is trying but I just don't care. Lately I've just really struggled with regret of ever even marrying him.

 

If I step back I don't really think that it is all about him. We just started homeschooling this year. We have 4 little children. He works a lot. I think that I am struggling with mild depression. I have been very isolated lately. Oh the list could just go on and on.

 

So here is my question......If any of you have ever survived a major life change and your marriage has suffered from it. Can you say that the love can return? In your opinion what does it take.

 

I thank you for your time.

 

Meli

[Ibbygirl]

:grouphug: I don't know all the answers, but for me, it took time. I had a near crisis in my marriage too a few years back. I was just so tired and I wanted out. To be fair, I think a lot of my depression was stress related becasue I have two special needs kids and my husband can be quite demanding. I think I was feeling trapped and suffocated and it was making me desperate to escape. I actually was planning an escape when God spoke to me about what love is and it put my feet back on the ground. I told God, "okay, I'm here, I'm staying, I'm willing to stick it out for the long haul, but You are going to HAVE to help me. I can't do it. I don't love my husband anymore." For me, it was just my submitting to God's will and putting my trust in Him for my well being and God started to do some major changes in my husband. As my husband started to change, so did I and things really started to turn around. It took some time, it's prolly been about 4 years or so now, but we're in a much better place. I think life is full of hills and valleys in any type of relationship whether it be marital or with our kids or whatever. I think recognizing that and knowing that it won't be that way forever helps and also looking for what you can learn from the situation may make help. My pastor always says it takes manure for a plant to grow, and in the same way it's the ahem, manure that we have to deal with in life that ultimately makes us better people... stronger, more patient, more compassionate to others in the same situation etc. All those are good things. I hope that you feel better soon. One thing I do whenever I'm mad at my husband too, is I immediately stop and make myself list 5 good things about him. Inevitably it always makes me feel better because it's easy to only focus on the negative when your emotions are involved, but when you take the time to focus on his good points as well, it kind of helps diffuse the emotions somewhat. At least it does for me. I hope this is helpful to you.

 

God bless. :grouphug:

Jen

[newlifemom]

Do you guys date each other? Now, I am certainly not an expert in this area, but I do think it is important to do that. We haven't got a great rhythm to this yet, but we are trying. Remember back when you first met and would do almost anything to try to catch his attention. Do that now. One thing dh and I have always agreed on, was that our marriage had to come before our children. That is a lot easier said than done, but even understanding the importance of it can help you toward that mindset, imo. Marriage is work and so are children, household responsibilities and homeschooling. For me just understanding that I can't leave my marriage unattended in the same way I can't leave the laundry or the dishes unattended has gone a long way in helping me to build it up and keep the flame going. HTH.:grouphug:

[Suzanne in ABQ]

So I have to admit I've turned into a total lurker.... I have loved reading post after post for months. I hardly ever post. But I've been in other forums and nothing can compare to the diversity and wealth of information here. Thank you ladies!!

 

Just a little it of background. My husband really messed up about three years ago. He lost 2 jobs and some other huge consequences that affected every part of our life. I did think about leaving at times, but never seriously. I said till death do us part and really don't want to go through the consequences of a divorce.

 

Well here it is three years later and he has grown by leaps and bounds and is still really working on it. But the problem now is me. I've lost my.......my....I don't know. I have a complete lack of motivation for the whole thing. I'm completely indifferent to him and sometime I really just can't stand him. I can really see that he is trying but I just don't care. Lately I've just really struggled with regret of ever even marrying him.

 

If I step back I don't really think that it is all about him. We just started homeschooling this year. We have 4 little children. He works a lot. I think that I am struggling with mild depression. I have been very isolated lately. Oh the list could just go on and on.

 

So here is my question......If any of you have ever survived a major life change and your marriage has suffered from it. Can you say that the love can return? In your opinion what does it take.

 

I thank you for your time.

 

Meli

 

 

I would see your doctor. If you're feeling worse, now that your dh is getting stronger, than you were when he was down, I'd say that you are probably clinically depressed. Taking care of 4 little kiddos, and trying to hold everything together, would take its toll on anyone!

 

Other than that, there are some wonderful books out there for rekindling tired relationships. It's wonderful that you're willing to look into yourself for the needed changes.

 

Hang in there. I have been where you are, when I didn't see how things could possibly work. Somehow (probably because I was just too busy with life to pursue any negative changes) we worked through it. It's been almost 19 years now, and our relationship is better than ever!

 

Anyway, if you find that your negative feelings are affecting your ability to function as a loving wife and mom, get help. I've known many women who were helped with medications. The meds got them over the hump, and helped them cope with their problems, and see things with a different perspective. They were able to get off the meds in time, and go on to live happy, productive lives in loving relationship with their husbands.

[Peela]

A couple of things. One is that my experience is that when I am not happy, not following my heart, struggling with depression, overwhelemed...its very easy to make dh the scapegoat. The answer is to heal myself and focus on my needs and wants...not try to fix the relationship. You have 4 small kids- thats not an easy thing.

On the other hand, relationships go through their seasons and sometimes need plain work. Dates, communication, therapy, whatever. We have a spa together, or two, every day...it's our communication time. Otherwise it just wouldnt happen. Sometimes we fight and argue..but at least communication is happening.

Dh and I are both fiercely independent and often go through changes and we have to adapt to each other. In the last 6 months I have gone out and spent a lot more time with my friends and made a more independent life for myself- because his work means he socialises a lot and I dont relaly want to be part of that very much. It has at times upset my dh that I go out some evenings or whatever, but it has also meant he has taken me less for granted and thats a good thing.

Of course love can return to a marriage. It just helps to see clearly what is going on so you can work on the right issues and not the wrong ones.

[freerange]

I was listening to a podcast yesterday that you might find useful - http://www.homeschool.com/podcast/ about half way down the page there's a podcast by Marci Shimoff, about happiness.

 

Hang in there. It gets easier as you figure out how to get past your own feeling of resentment.

[Irene Lynn]

Several years ago my dh became VERY depressed. Because of that I was holding things together and was very alone in the marriage. When he began to do better and I felt safer (I didn't realize that was what was happening until later.) I started crashing myself. I had not really realized how much stress I had been under, because I was trying my best to keep life on a level surface for our dd. Once he was better, I could relax, but when I relaxed the emotions, that I had kept at bay for survival during the rough time, finally had time to come to the surface. Feeling depressed just when things started looking up did not feel "right", so it was harder to see that it really was depression.

 

I think that what I experienced is pretty common, at least that is what I have heard. Yes, it can get better, much better. It may take some counseling or some medication or some other help just to give you time to do something enjoyable or time to cry or something. Trying to take care of 4 children does not give you much time to recharge, so you may need some help.

 

I hope this phase of your life passes quickly for you. There is life on the other side.

[Mommyof4ks]

Have the two of you tried getting away for a weekend to reconnect? That may sound crazy given that you have 4 little ones, but it worked wonders for us. My youngest was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, and our lives revolved around the baby. We lost 'us'. Reconnecting over a weekend helped a great deal, and if you are having trouble moving on then perhaps talking with a counselor will help also.

[Denisemomof4]

>>>Just a little it of background. My husband really messed up about three years ago. He lost 2 jobs and some other huge consequences that affected every part of our life. I did think about leaving at times, but never seriously. I said till death do us part and really don't want to go through the consequences of a divorce.

 

Well here it is three years later and he has grown by leaps and bounds and is still really working on it. But the problem now is me. I've lost my.......my....I don't know. I have a complete lack of motivation for the whole thing. I'm completely indifferent to him and sometime I really just can't stand him. I can really see that he is trying but I just don't care. Lately I've just really struggled with regret of ever even marrying him.<<<

 

Do you think perhaps you haven't forgiven him for this yet? I can understand being shaken to the core when your provider fails to do so. If it happened by no fault of their own, that's one thing and I think most wives would be very supportive. IF they caused it, I'd imagine it would be hard to trust them again, at least for awhile. But since it affected every area of your lives, and you're still speaking about it three years later, I'm wondering if you have to work on allowing yourself to forgive him for failing your family?

 

>>>If I step back I don't really think that it is all about him. We just started homeschooling this year. We have 4 little children. He works a lot. I think that I am struggling with mild depression. I have been very isolated lately. Oh the list could just go on and on. <<<

 

This, in my opinion, is something else entirely. It may have STARTED with your husband's failure three years ago, but somehow it's grown into a huge monster of a problem. I have a few things to say here.

 

First of all, when I was mom to two young boys and dh was trying to get his business going, on top of working a full time job, it was hard and I was resentful. I was also lonely! I had moved across the US and had to make all new friends. When I became a SAHM, it was harder and harder to connect with those friends, so I had to make all new friends again. It was lonely. I also missed my dh - who to this day is still the person I'd choose to spend time with above anyone. We are best friends and adore each other. So I understand being lonely and feeling isolated.

 

If you don't really think it's about him, there's a chance it's not. But it does seem that in your heart you're blaming/resenting him for something, because you seem very lackluster about your marriage. Maybe you're feeling neglected. Or maybe something is there that you haven't figured out yet, or maybe you've taken the negative thoughts about your dh and your marriage and grown them to a point where they're distorted, and now there's a monster brewing and you're not quite sure what to do about it. This is what the thought life does to a person.

 

I would thoughtfully analyze the situation. If it does involve dh, the two of you need to sit down and discuss the issues at hand. If it really doesn't and you're just projecting your negativity on him (I think this is easier to do than most realize!) then it's up to you to turn it around. I purposed to change my thought life and I'm so glad I did. I was a very negative thinker years ago, early on in our marriage, and I also had many, many worries. They really had a grip on me. But I learned to change my thought life. I can tell you for sure that sometimes I can grow negative thoughts about my dh. I keep them silent because I know how good he is to me. If we do have an issue, I'm the first one who'd bring it up. But usually the issue is with me. I will work through it on my own and realize, later, how silly I was really being. Usually it really had nothing to do with him.

 

 

>>>So here is my question......If any of you have ever survived a major life change and your marriage has suffered from it. Can you say that the love can return? In your opinion what does it take. <<<

 

The past three years of our lives have gone solely to take care of dying family and friends. Our family has been torn apart and our kids haven't had a summer for three years now. Dh and I spent little QUALITY time together. We were (still are as we're trying to settle my parent's estate) exhausted and burnt out. We had so much happen, and I won't bore you with the details. But when everything was said and done, dh and I did have some rebuilding to do. Our marriage and our family had suffered. It would have been so easy for me to solely focus on the negative. I did some. But what I chose to focus on more was this amazing dh who supported me and walked with me through this journey every step of the way. He did anything and everything to make my life easier, because my world was filled with death and loss and it was scary.

 

Marriage is hard. It takes nurturing and work to keep it thriving. If neither of you are working on the marital relationship, making it a priority even over the kids, then it will suffer.

 

I do hope things turn around for you!

[HSMom2One]

Dear melik - yes, it can get better! I'd like to encourage you to not make decisions based entirely on how you are feeling right now. There are so many contributing factors to our emotions, and often times we are mistaken about the cause. And like Peela pointed out, our spouses can often become the brunt of our emotions. Please give this some time.

 

An adage was given to me many years ago of marriage being like two people in a canoe on the water. Through calm or rough waters, you stay in the boat and keep rowing. Marriage takes work, and there are times that one person is rowing harder than the other -- sometimes we have to compensate when the other is weak. But the point is to stay in the boat no matter how the water may be.

 

Another truth is that there are seasons to every long term relationship, and during those seasons feelings come and go, igniting with passion or seeming to be dead and gone, only to return again in another season as a rekindled flame. When you love someone you cannot depend on your feelings. Ask anyone that has been married a long time! The greatest definition of love when it comes to marriage is simply "commitment".

 

I'm an older mom and I've been married, divorced and remarried. In my first marriage I had three little boys, and the impact and devastation of divorce was something I would not wish upon anyone. If there had been any hope at all I would have stayed in there, but I had very justifiable, biblical grounds for ending the marriage. (Looking back, I know I'd have made the decision today if I was in the same situation...) Even so, under the most reasonable cause for a divorce, I regret very much that my sons did not grow up with both of their parents, and that the bond that is present between a husband and wife that have brought children into the world was lost forever. I can't tell you the grief that goes along with that...it fades over time, but it never goes away.

 

What I am saying is that working on your marriage and staying in the boat is WORTH it to you, your children and your husband. From what you described in your post, you actually have a great deal of hope to hang on to. Your marriage has much more potential and promise than you are able to grasp at the moment. Just the fact that your dh is really trying is something to hold on to. I did not have that in my situation at all, and that is true of many couples. The biggest hurdle is to have a desire for things to get better and a willingness to stay in the boat.

 

The grass is not greener on the other side, and divorce is not an easy way out -- it is the hard way out. Even though you have said you really don't want divorce, I'm saying this anyway because it is apparent that your marriage is in danger. Please, please trust me when I say this: Working on your self and on your marriage has much bigger pay-offs than working at being a single mom who must become the main bread winner while negotiating parental issues with an ex-husband. Divorced husbands have a high percentage of recovering quickly, whereas divorced single moms rarely get out of poverty. Another consideration is that you will be tied to him forever because of the children.

 

I was a single mom for seven years, but met my dh when my sons were older and we have now been blessed with 15 years of marriage. Dh and I have worked through some huge trials and have hit spots that would have been tempting to throw in the towel and leave each other over, but we made a promise in the beginning that we'd never have the option of divorce. Because of that, we've kept rowing and stayed in the boat. Neither of us have regretted that decision a bit!

 

I hope you find counseling to help you through this. I have used counseling off and on through the years and it has helped tremendously. The thing that has helped me the most though, was my faith and relationship with God.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

Edited January 10, 2010 by HSMom2One

[LittleIzumi]

I second everything they said :iagree:. It CAN be turned around, and it starts with working on you--me time, therapy, a set girls' night out, a new hobby, etc--and your part of the marriage--showing extra love, putting extra time/energy/attention in yourself without asking for something in return (which *usually* helps encourage more on dh's side naturally), going on dates, increasing communication, maybe therapy together, etc.

[Kathleen in VA]

I feel insecure about offering advice since I know so little about your actual situation, so if it seems I'm off track then please just disregard. From my understanding of your post, though, I agree with Denise that it sounds like you haven't forgiven your dh for whatever happened. Forgiveness can be very hard, but whenever I am finding it hard to forgive someone I try to imagine what I would feel like if I had messed up big time and sought forgiveness and was refused. It would feel so disheartening - I would feel like just giving up. Also, choosing not to forgive is sort of like saying no one has ever had to forgive you (you, universally speaking) for anything - that you've never done anything that required others to overlook your faults. It's missing the fact that others have had to put up with your mistakes as well. What I mean is, we all need to be forgiven sooner or later - mostly on a daily basis. Life is about being forgiven and forgiving because all of us mess up one time or another. It is about choosing to love people even though they don't necessarily deserve it.

 

Having said that, I do think that life with 4 small children can be very, very difficult. It is only a short season of your life though. If you could rearrange your thoughts to see this part of your life as a temporary investment of time and energy and that there is a time when it will all be behind you, you may not feel so stuck. Now that my two oldest are in their 20s, I rarely see them, even though they are still living at home. They both have jobs, one is engaged to be married, they are taking college classes at night and they have friends they hang out with during their free time. Dd17 is talking about college and my two "littles" are 13 and 10 - they are all nearing the time when my job will diminish greatly.

 

Embrace your calling as a mother. Make it your priority to do the job well. Our society as a whole does not value the job of motherhood so it is easy to think you are just a housekeeper, cook, laundress, etc. instead of the life-shaping force you truly are. You have so much power right now to mold your children into wonderful young men/women - don't let it slip through your fingers. I am so glad now that I invested all those hours into my children - they are all such a joy to me now.

 

Marriage is very difficult. Why would we need to make public vows to stick together until death do us part if it were easy? Those vows are, very often, all we have to cling to in order to get through the tough times. You are wise not to give up and to persevere even though your feelings have dried up. Give your dh the gift of unconditional love and forgiveness - bury the past once and for all. Let him start again with a fresh, clean slate. You said he is trying - delight in that. Purpose to forget his past mistakes. Wouldn't you want someone to do that for you if you were in his shoes? Be compassionate and kind. Don't expect to feel romance or passion right now. Just decide to do the right thing and take it from there. I bet your feelings will fall in line sooner or later.

 

I think our society also makes marriage more difficult by promoting it as the answer to all of life's problems. We go into it expecting our spouse to be our all in all, but that is really very silly. No one can be that. We are just human after all. We need to let go of that romantic notion and realize that marriage has its glories, but it can also be very, very hard. Lower your expectations and you will not be so disappointed. Focus on doing your part. This really is about choosing to change things. You have the power to give, to forgive, to overlook faults, to encourage, to lift up, to provide a kind word, etc. Do those things. Treat your dh as you would any friend. He is a human being - a person with the same needs and potential for error as you. Just be his friend and I think you'll find your situation improving soon.

 

:grouphug: from someone who often thought of giving up on her marriage in the 23 1/2 years she has been married and has come to the other side of the struggle very glad that she persevered.

[joannqn]

Six years ago, my husband wanted out of our marriage. We managed to stay together, but as things started getting better, I wanted out. I sat tight because I knew I didn't want to deal with the consequences of divorce. It's gotten better and better. Each year is better than the last.

 

I agree with what someone else mentioned: take care of you. Make sure you are eating well, drinking enough, getting enough sleep. Do you best to make yourself look good; shower, dress nicely but comfortably, style your hair, apply your makeup if you wear it. Looking good (for yourself) will help you feel better. Take time to enjoy things you enjoy. You don't have to spend a lot of time doing it, but don't cut our your fun altogether. Find yourself a support group of other women who will build you up. If any of your kids are under 5, MOPS is a great group to be a part of...it's only twice a month but they watch your kids while you enjoy time with other moms. They'll have mom's nights out, play dates with the kids, and other fun times together.

 

If you need more help getting out of this funk, ask your doctor about help with depression.

[Kate CA]

I feel insecure about offering advice since I know so little about your actual situation, so if it seems I'm off track then please just disregard. From my understanding of your post, though, I agree with Denise that it sounds like you haven't forgiven your dh for whatever happened. Forgiveness can be very hard, but whenever I am finding it hard to forgive someone I try to imagine what I would feel like if I had messed up big time and sought forgiveness and was refused. It would feel so disheartening - I would feel like just giving up. Also, choosing not to forgive is sort of like saying no one has ever had to forgive you (you, universally speaking) for anything - that you've never done anything that required others to overlook your faults. It's missing the fact that others have had to put up with your mistakes as well. What I mean is, we all need to be forgiven sooner or later - mostly on a daily basis. Life is about being forgiven and forgiving because all of us mess up one time or another. It is about choosing to love people even though they don't necessarily deserve it.

 

Having said that, I do think that life with 4 small children can be very, very difficult. It is only a short season of your life though. If you could rearrange your thoughts to see this part of your life as a temporary investment of time and energy and that there is a time when it will all be behind you, you may not feel so stuck. Now that my two oldest are in their 20s, I rarely see them, even though they are still living at home. They both have jobs, one is engaged to be married, they are taking college classes at night and they have friends they hang out with during their free time. Dd17 is talking about college and my two "littles" are 13 and 10 - they are all nearing the time when my job will diminish greatly.

 

Embrace your calling as a mother. Make it your priority to do the job well. Our society as a whole does not value the job of motherhood so it is easy to think you are just a housekeeper, cook, laundress, etc. instead of the life-shaping force you truly are. You have so much power right now to mold your children into wonderful young men/women - don't let it slip through your fingers. I am so glad now that I invested all those hours into my children - they are all such a joy to me now.

 

Marriage is very difficult. Why would we need to make public vows to stick together until death do us part if it were easy? Those vows are, very often, all we have to cling to in order to get through the tough times. You are wise not to give up and to persevere even though your feelings have dried up. Give your dh the gift of unconditional love and forgiveness - bury the past once and for all. Let him start again with a fresh, clean slate. You said he is trying - delight in that. Purpose to forget his past mistakes. Wouldn't you want someone to do that for you if you were in his shoes? Be compassionate and kind. Don't expect to feel romance or passion right now. Just decide to do the right thing and take it from there. I bet your feelings will fall in line sooner or later.

 

I think our society also makes marriage more difficult by promoting it as the answer to all of life's problems. We go into it expecting our spouse to be our all in all, but that is really very silly. No one can be that. We are just human after all. We need to let go of that romantic notion and realize that marriage has its glories, but it can also be very, very hard. Lower your expectations and you will not be so disappointed. Focus on doing your part. This really is about choosing to change things. You have the power to give, to forgive, to overlook faults, to encourage, to lift up, to provide a kind word, etc. Do those things. Treat your dh as you would any friend. He is a human being - a person with the same needs and potential for error as you. Just be his friend and I think you'll find your situation improving soon.

 

:grouphug: from someone who often thought of giving up on her marriage in the 23 1/2 years she has been married and has come to the other side of the struggle very glad that she persevered.

 

This is wonderful advice, Kathleen--just beautiful.

[Denisemomof4]

This is wonderful advice, Kathleen--just beautiful.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[laughing lioness]

It takes time and intentionality.

If you look at stats, most couples that "stick it out" in a marriage have an improved marriage within 5 years. Every marriage is difficult. I know I had to learn to forgive, to trust, to commit to intentionally loving my spouse and vice-versa becasue we are fallible human beings and prone ot mistake. WE need to learn to forgive, etc with integrity.

A couple that divorces has the problems of divorce till thier kids die (cause that's how long they are connected to each other).

Get to a doc, get assesed for depression. Find a good, moral, skilled therapist. Exercise, journal. Find some friends. Take care of yourself.

[tdeveson]

I'm sorry this is going on in your life now. I understand completely about being isolated when you're homeschooling. I struggle mightily with it and it's the only thing that has ever tempted me to stop. Some people don't do isolation well -- I'm one of them and you might be too.

 

In your place, I'd take care of myself first. If you are struggling with mild depression you can get help from your doctor, and you can also do some things to help yourself. (Ask me how I know.) These are the things I do to stave off depression:

 

1. I go outside every morning. I walk my property, pay attention to my gardens, look up in the sky and generally enjoy the outdoors for 20 or so minutes while I have my coffee.

 

2. I use my full spectrum lights daily because I'm prone to SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). The lights have done more for me than anything else, by the way.

 

3. I take my Wii for a spin and do my yoga and exercises. On days when I don't workout I feel gloomy. Just power-walking around the block once or twice and it colors my day.

 

I would definitely go to my doctor and explain what I'm feeling. Suffering through depression is like suffering through a toothache. There is no point to it and it makes things worse. Your doctor can help you.

 

After your head is clear and you're back to being yourself, then you can reassess your marriage and see where it needs tweaking. But I encourage you to seek help first before doing anything that will be life-changing. You'd be surprised how your point of view changes once you're feeling well again.

 

Good luck. Don't lurk. Let us know how you're doing. Part of the value of this board is that it's filled with women (and some men) who have been through everything you're going through now, and they are happy to lend a virtual shoulder and be supportive of a fellow homeschooler.