What to do?

[RebeccaS]

My oldest dd has me concerned. Her behavior as a young child was always...quirky. Her toys had to be a certain way, things out of place got her upset. We couldn't shop in a clothing store without her fixing racks and picking up clothes to hang up again etc. She was particular about her clothing, but not too bad.

 

Fast forward a few years and now she is almost 8. It takes her an hour to get ready-her clothes have to be just so. She must adjust her shoes multiple times a day. There are very few things she will even wear because she just can't stand to have anything else on. Her troubles with her clothing are becoming accompanied by greater and greater frustrations, including but not limited to, growling, screaming, stomping, crying (the most common). Now that it's winter, I'm dreading errands. It takes her forever to get ready in the summer. Add coat, hat and gloves....:willy_nilly::toetap05:

 

School is next to impossible now. We have just spent 45 minutes on a 14 word spelling test. She can't take the test without crying over her letters. She can't do it, they don't look right on and on. I have told her not to worry about it, that's what her handwriting practice is for...more crying from her....I'm trying not to scream in frustration. After her test she had a meltdown because she had to alphabetize words and there wasn't a word for each letter.

 

She is extremely controlling in play time. She dictates how everyone must play right down to the words to be said. It has alienated her a great deal from her siblings who no longer wish to play with her most days.

 

Heaven help us if our schedule changes. If we plan out our day and an activity changes due to unforeseen circumstances she has a melt down. Crying hysterically, totally out of control. In one instance, she was so out of control she was panting, her eyes were wide, pupils dilated. Nothing we said or did was snapping her out of it. We finally put her to bed (it was around 7:30 and her normal bedtime) and let her cry it out. We just didn't know what else to do.

 

This is only a smattering of her behaviors, but is this normal for an 8yr old? I have spoken to the pediatrician about it, but she didn't feel at the time it was anything to worry over. (Though I admit to not having kept a list of her behaviors-I was just trying to remember them off the top of my head.) Should I let it be or approach the subject again when she goes for her well-visit next month?

 

I should also add that while I do not cater to her bad behavior in how she handles her frustration, punishments get her even more worked up (ie meltdown mode) and trying to talk her through it doesn't register with her. It's like once she's lost control she doesn't know how to get it back.

[Georgiana Daniels]

:grouphug: This must be so frustrating for you! I used to do this, and my middle daughter does too, but on a smaller scale. Perfectionist tendencies may have something to do with controlling what can be controlled? No advice from me, but I'm interested to see what others have to say.

[BikeBookBread]

:grouphug:

 

I have an up-and-comer extreme perfectionist too. (meltdowns over imperfect ponytails, no buttons are allowed, sock seams must be perfectly straight, etc...) I'd like to see some advice from those BTDT Mommies, please :)

[Scarlett]

:grouphug:

 

I have an up-and-comer extreme perfectionist too. (meltdowns over imperfect ponytails, no buttons are allowed, sock seams must be perfectly straight, etc...) I'd like to see some advice from those BTDT Mommies, please :)

 

I have a friend whose dd was like this. That dd is now about to turn 28 and she is fine with 2 kids of her own. She was fine by the time she was a teen. She just was funny about how her clothes fit and it caused a lot of stress. We still kid her about how she used to scream, 'Its touching me!!!!!' (her clothes)

[AngieW in Texas]

Your dd could have issues with sensory integration. Kids with sensory integration issues often try to exercise an extreme amount of control over their environment because everything is so overwhelming all the time.

 

My middle dd is both Aspie and has sensory integration issues (much better since OT). A lot of the issues listed for sensory integration issues are identical to issues listed with Asperger's and they often occur together.

 

A lot of things in your post sound like my dd when she was younger.

 

http://www.incrediblehorizons.com/sensory-integration.htm

http://www.newsweek.com/id/168868

[mktkcb]

Other than getting an evaluation: proactive as much as possible. Spend time in quiet moments working on scenarios with her. "What if we were planning X, and Y happened...what would be the right way to handle that? What would be an appropriate way to show you are frustrated? What are OK things to say...to do?" Do this every day if necessary. Up front with *her* about what she struggles with. "These are some things you have a really hard time with. We need to work on them. Here's what we are going to do...". Reward system. Break down the worst of the problems into increments of improvement. Set up a reward for each increment (no matter how small). Kids like this *need* to know they can be forgiven and try again. that they aren't hopeless. Encourage every teeny tiny glimmer of "good stuff" that you can possibly dream up. "I'm so proud of you finally getting your shoes on....you know we're working on keeping them on, let see how long you can go...." I have quirky kids. Oldest was hyper, and had definite sensory issues. Same with youngest. It is very difficult. My 13yo (gifted kid..sigh) falls apart *every stinkin day* over Language Arts (CLE 7). It't too hard!! I can't do it!! It will take too long!!....scream cry stomp growl threaten. It's the 1 subject that he MUST do completely in writing. He struggles with pencils, and it *is* challenging. Not academically, but physically. But it is my hill for him to die on this year, and if he dies, it won't be my doing :o). I only say this to let you know that I know of what you speak when you mention stomping, screaming, growling, all out melt down. BTDT. Hang in there. My oldest just started college this year at the CC (lives at home). She is very self controlled, highly motivated, gets straight A's. There is hope. You might consider an evaluation, however.

Kayleen

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

there's a fine line between perfectionism and obsessive/compulsive behavior. some children cross it somewhere between when they are 8-10; others back away from it and by the time they are teens you might never know they were like that as a child. have you asked your parents and dh's parents if either of you were like that?

 

i would encourage you to write out a whole list and ask to have her evaluated. there may be some things you can help her with now that will make her life easier later on. (and your life, too).

 

as a start, i would ritualize as much of her schedule as you can. for some kids, if they are well rested, well fed, and strongly anchored in a schedule, then they are able to handle the schedule aberrations more easily.

 

good luck; she's lucky to have you!

ann

[Dawn in OH]

She seems to be a perfectionist with some other stuff thrown in there. Not sure what to call the "other stuff" as I'm not familiar with it.

 

I would definitely make a list of these things and her evaluated. She seems a bit extreme and hard to live with. Some of her issues can probably be improved if you work with her, once you know what they are and what approach to take.

 

I have perfectionist tendencies which are much more subdued now that I'm older, but I was never as extreme as your daughter. I really think there's something else going on there in addition to the perfectionism.

[Corraleno]

Your dd could have issues with sensory integration. Kids with sensory integration issues often try to exercise an extreme amount of control over their environment because everything is so overwhelming all the time.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I would definitely have her evaluated for this ~ by an OT who specializes in sensory issues. If she does have sensory integration disorder, therapy can often be life-changing, and the earlier you start the better the outcome. It might be just a phase that she grows out of ~ but if it's not, and she has SID, then it will only get worse and you will be kicking yourself that you didn't get help sooner.

 

Jackie

[BikeBookBread]

I have a friend whose dd was like this. That dd is now about to turn 28 and she is fine with 2 kids of her own. She was fine by the time she was a teen. She just was funny about how her clothes fit and it caused a lot of stress. We still kid her about how she used to scream, 'Its touching me!!!!!' (her clothes)

 

Thanks for the encouragement! I know I had MY stuff as a kid. I did NOT want to wear anything that could no be construed as GIRLIE. My hair was cut very short and I FREAKED when my Dad bought me a inaugural Seattle Seahawks jersey. I feel so badly about it now. It was such a sweet thing to do, but I was terrified people would think I was a boy. Terrified. Now look at my hair!!!!!

[jujsky]

 

I agree with those who have suggested having her evaluated. It could be that she's just a perfectionist, but it could also be a sensory issue or OCD. If it's sensory issues or OCD, therapy can help.

 

 

[Parrothead]

Yup, sounds like a sensory issue, probably Sensory Integration Disorder. My dd has SID, but is pretty mild. I've been able to work with her without going to an OT. But I've got a friend whose ds needs the OT.

[Cera]

Honestly, I would probably have her evaluated.

 

Our 5 year old was starting these behaviors (on a smaller scale) and we were able to get it under control by constantly walking her through how we handled things that weren't perfect/were different than we wanted. Had she continued to progress we would have taken her in to see someone. I had issues with perfectionism as a teen and it was really difficult. I would do everything I can to prevent it in my child.

[RebeccaS]

Thanks for all the feedback. In my heart of hearts, I think I knew I should at least get her evaluated since her behavior is escalating and not diminishing but I kept hoping she would snap out of it. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think I need to keep a journal for a few weeks so I have something concrete to show the pediatrician (I need her referral to see someone else) and schedule that yearly visit a wee bit early. ;)

 

My mil has told me that dh was borderline add as a kid, not so much like dd. As for myself, my mom has reported that I was an easy-going, well behaved child. Probably her best-behaved along my with oldest brother.

 

I try to keep her schedule as static as possible. She gets up at roughly the same time, goes to bed at the same time, we do school in the morning, meals at roughly the same time....etc. Today, though, she did ask if we could please do our subjects in the same order every day. My other dd does not care what order we do the work in, so I'm going to figure out what order works best and try to keep to that.

 

Thanks again for all the input. :001_smile: