How do you deal with failure (in your life)?

[sahm99]

I am naturally a perfectionist...Type A...obsessed...well, you get the picture:lol:.

 

Over the last years, having kids, then starting to homeschool, I had to give up on many of my "standards" - for me personally, for me as a wife, as a mom, a teacher...and certainly as a homemaker...:tongue_smilie:

 

I am still at times struggling with the discrepancy between what I want to...and reality.

 

How do you deal with this?

How do you avoid been pulled down by all that is less than perfect, instead of looking at what is, indeed, going well?

 

Sometimes I will get so focused on the little failures in my (daily) life, that I loose the perspective, that vision of the bigger picture...

 

I am, deep-down, very content...it is just this feeling of constant (little) imperfections that tends to frustrate me (A LOT, at times).

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

It usually takes some kind of event to cause me to have a little perspective. It's hard not to want everything to be a certain way, but if you make a daily habit of acknowledging all that you have accomplished, and all that you have to be thankful for, I find that it helps.

[runamuk]

I was (and still am) a Type A perfectionist. I just learned to let go. I still look around the house and think "I need to vacuum, and mop, and dust, and ..." I also think I need to spend more time in the gym, more time digging deeper into science and history, more time on this that or the other. And I make myself stop and think about what I do have. I have kids that enjoy being with me. They don't care (for the most part) what the house looks like. They don't care that I'm in sweats and need to drop more than a few pounds. I've got happy kids who enjoy spending time with me. And I'm happy. I keep reminding myself of that whenever I start thinking "not enough". It takes practice to let things go, but it gets easier the longer I do it.

[Mommyfaithe]

I am naturally a perfectionist...Type A...obsessed...well, you get the picture:lol:.

 

Over the last years, having kids, then starting to homeschool, I had to give up on many of my "standards" - for me personally, for me as a wife, as a mom, a teacher...and certainly as a homemaker...:tongue_smilie:

 

I am still at times struggling with the discrepancy between what I want to...and reality.

 

How do you deal with this?

How do you avoid been pulled down by all that is less than perfect, instead of looking at what is, indeed, going well?

 

Sometimes I will get so focused on the little failures in my (daily) life, that I loose the perspective, that vision of the bigger picture...

 

I am, deep-down, very content...it is just this feeling of constant (little) imperfections that tends to frustrate me (A LOT, at times).

 

I deal with it horribly daily. I do not like failure...it is not in my nature....

 

I am :lurk5:

 

I would love to hear these answers and put my lack of success into perspective.

 

~~Faithe (who needs coping skills.) :bigear:

[Guest janainaz]

I don't see anything as a failure (unless I try to do a school project and it doesn't work - which is typically the case :glare:). I'm type A and I really wish I wasn't because it's exhausting to see every little detail and to constantly look at the big picture and only see what's wrong, or what's missing, or what isn't perfect. However, if I force myself to really disect what is stressing me out or getting me down, it's not ever as bad as what it seems. I have to remind myself that nothing is perfect and life is too short to focus on the negative. It's a conscious choice.

 

I am FORCED to change my outlook because of my kids. If you are hard on yourself you will fail to affirm those around you. I have to adopt the carefree - "Everthing is ok!" mentalility because that is how I want my sons to live. Type A personalities carry big burdens.

[Chris in VA]

This quote (found in a cookbook!) has helped me:

 

"I began facing the life I had, not the life I dreamed of having or thought I had the right to have." Katy Butler

 

I spent far too much time imagining things were different instead of cultivating a grateful heart for the way things were. I pouted and fussed, often inwardly, discontent with circumstance, bitter. Trying to control my environment in order to find satisfaction led to anxiety and the very dissatisfaction I was hoping to remedy! I searched for it in the wrong places, and spent too much money, energy and time, hoping for that one thing, that one personal attribute, that one discipline, that would allow me inner peace and contentment.

 

I realized that true maturity is the ability to find contentment inside, regardless of outward circumstances. Not that those circumstances don't "touch" me or move me to compassion or anger or action, but that I choose to react or not react--I choose my behavior more often than not. I am learning to stop being so controlling, my peace no longer solely dependent on my children's behavior; my attainment of material, intellectual or spiritual goals; or anything else that I truly can't control.

 

I am learning to be still. I am learning to be quiet. I am learning, not inaction, but intentional action.

 

And all of it to the Glory of God.

[Colleen in NS]

How do you deal with this?

How do you avoid been pulled down by all that is less than perfect, instead of looking at what is, indeed, going well?

 

I just keep stepping over the toys, the book piles, the crafts. I tell myself that my kids are learning, content, healthy, and clean. I keep the laundry going, the meals cooking, the groceries stocked. We have a basic cleaning routine, and once or twice a year I *might* deep clean something. I purge on a break week, after I've had a few days to decompress. But I don't do nearly as many perfectionist activities as I used to. I just don't have the energy for it anymore. I also tell myself that I only have about 9 more years of homeschooling, and that is a short time now to me. I want to be relaxed and enjoy my time with my kids. I also seem to have gotten more this way since getting into my 40s.

[Hikin' Mama]

I too am a Type A perfectionist. But I have become more laid back over the years, and more so with each child. (I have three, and how I feel for my oldest!)

 

Your kids are still young; ENJOY them. Ask yourself what really *needs* to be done. For me it was meals, clutter picked up, floors clean, laundry done. Make a meal schedule and don't worry if it's not gourmet. (We've eaten a lot of grilled meat, rice or potato with butter, and steamed veggie dinners and everyone's still happy.) Do dishes after each meal so they don't build up. Pick up clutter on a regular basis, and enlist the kids' help in that. We take our shoes off at the door to cut down on vacuuming and mopping (I hate dirty floors!). And I got a sectioned laundry sorter and do a load every day. Sheets only every other week. These things are what kept *me* sane. I realized I couldn't be perfect, but I needed to be sane. :) You'll have to find the plan that keeps you sane, but keep it simple.

 

I also realized that I just wasn't going to have much time for many extras, like sewing, knitting, and the other things I enjoy.

 

Now, this didn't happen to me overnight, and I'm still working on letting go of things.

 

My kids are bigger now (almost 18, almost 15, and 12), and life is easier. They can help clean, I can go to the gym 4 days a week because I don't need childcare, and this summer I was able to go on all-day hiking trips once a week, often with one or more of my kids. The ones who didn't want to go could stay home.

 

I have great relationships with my kids, but it has hit me this year (my oldest is a senior in ps, my middle went to ps for the first time) that my mothering days are coming to an end. It makes me sad! I really don't regret not getting the dusting done, but I so wish that I would have played more games and gone to the park more and taken more walks just for fun. I wish I could have just relaxed and enjoyed my little people more. We did have fun, but I spent too much time being stressed out.

 

I'm sorry this got so long, I hope it helps!

[muffinmom]

I struggle with this too. You really do have to reevaluate--what is really important? really important? write it down...make a list to remind yourself every day. if you are making progress on those important things, you can feel satisfaction. notice I said "progress", not "perfection" (thank you Flylady--"practice makes progress").

 

You really must lower your expectations of what is reasonable. These expectations can and should change according to your current situation. If you're taking care of of a sick parent while tending to your own family, you go into survival mode. If you have only one child who is a breeze to raise, then you have room to raise those expectations. It's really about what you expect of yourself. Take a close and honest look at that.

 

I also find that when I practice deliberate gratitude, I am more in touch with what is really important and how I'm doing on that.

 

Here also is something I got from Flylady that I think is helpful.

 

 

Excellence vs. Perfectionism

Excellence is willing to be wrong.

Perfection is being right.

 

Excellence is risk.

Perfection is fear.

 

Excellence is powerful.

Perfection is anger and frustration.

 

Excellence is spontaneous.

Perfection is control.

 

Excellence is accepting.

Perfection is judgment.

 

Excellence is giving.

Perfection is taking.

 

Excellence is confidence.

Perfection is doubt.

 

Excellence is flowing.

Perfection is pressure.

 

Excellence is journey.

Perfection is destination.

[LibraryLover]

What do you mean by small failures? A tidy house, waxed floors everyday?

 

If you are talking that, I can tell you that to me, a home that looks like that each and every day with little kids in it, is not one I envy. I would call not letting little children live comfortably in their own homes a failure.

 

I want the kids to pull out art supplies without worry and and work at the kitchen table, I want the dogs happily wagging their tails and perhaps shedding, I want to the teens opening the fridge and offering food to their friends even if they make a mess. I had kids so I could experience this very thing.

 

If you are talking about laundry failure, my feeling is that unless you make everyone go naked, there is no catching up to laundry...as soon as you put the last sock in a drawer, someone is pulling on clean underwear, and the cycle begins again.

 

Now, do I love a tidy house? Yes! Yes! Yes! And once in a while, maybe one a week or twice a month it looks the way I want it too look, even though that is a completely inappropriate daily goal for us. My house was gorgeous the day before T'giving. Every got dusted and washed and the slip covers were even bleached to their lovely bright white. Ah........

 

If you are not talking about this, but something much more important, like familial relationship etc., then mentally delete my post. lol

 

:001_huh:

[Once]

Here also is something I got from Flylady that I think is helpful.

 

 

Excellence vs. Perfectionism

Excellence is willing to be wrong.

Perfection is being right.

 

Excellence is risk.

Perfection is fear.

 

Excellence is powerful.

Perfection is anger and frustration.

 

Excellence is spontaneous.

Perfection is control.

 

Excellence is accepting.

Perfection is judgment.

 

Excellence is giving.

Perfection is taking.

 

Excellence is confidence.

Perfection is doubt.

 

Excellence is flowing.

Perfection is pressure.

 

Excellence is journey.

Perfection is destination.

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to post this.....you have no idea how much of a blessing this is to me right now.

 

:001_smile:

[muffinmom]

Thank you for taking the time to post this.....you have no idea how much of a blessing this is to me right now.

 

:001_smile:

 

 

So glad...it helps me too! :grouphug:

[kpupg]

Not exactly what you're asking, but fwiw ...

 

... I'm the child of an obsessive type-A mother. I learned a lot from her, lots of it negative, unfortunately.

 

My attitude is "in ten years, who's gonna care?" If there's an answer to that, then it's important and I take care of it. If the answer is just "nobody," then I let it slide guilt-free. Much better way to live. :)

 

Disclaimer: of course I am not talking about health hazards here.

 

Sympathies,

Karen

[dangermom]

I sympathize, I do! I've been coming to terms with the fact that I can't do everything to the standard I want. Life is a series of trade-offs, and I have to choose priorities. I would love a clean and tidy home, but I love homeschooling and other things more, so I have to let go of that a little bit.

 

The other day I was reading a book by and for teenagers that encouraged going after big goals (Do Hard Things is often recommended here). I liked their slogan: "All effort--even failed effort--builds muscle." Metaphorical muscle, that is, but I really appreciate that idea right now. I'll never reach perfection in this life, but consistent effort towards my goals makes me stronger and gets me closer than giving up would--and it's OK that I don't reach my ideal.

[muffinmom]

I sympathize, I do! I've been coming to terms with the fact that I can't do everything to the standard I want. Life is a series of trade-offs, and I have to choose priorities. I would love a clean and tidy home, but I love homeschooling and other things more, so I have to let go of that a little bit.

 

The other day I was reading a book by and for teenagers that encouraged going after big goals (Do Hard Things is often recommended here). I liked their slogan: "All effort--even failed effort--builds muscle." Metaphorical muscle, that is, but I really appreciate that idea right now. I'll never reach perfection in this life, but consistent effort towards my goals makes me stronger and gets me closer than giving up would--and it's OK that I don't reach my ideal.

 

I think this makes an important point. As perfectionists, we are OBSESSED with the end result. But we have missed the whole point of it all. The end result should not be the point of our focus; the point is the PROCESS, because that is how we are made into who we should become. Like the above quote reveals, what happens on the way is what builds our character and makes our life a life. So that means we can rejoice in the process, marvel at the ups and downs that build us into stronger people.

[StephanieZ]

:tongue_smilie:Practice, practice, practice. After enough practice, I am getting used to it. LOL

[Peela]

Sometimes in my meditations I have been struck by this sense of failing. But when I sit with it and be with the actual feeling of failure...its not so bad. I let failure overwhelm me and I realise it is not a real thing, only a thing I made up in my own mind. I have learned not to value myself so much by what I achieve in my life (career, parenting, having a clean home etc), and value myself more intrinsically. I am worthy and ok, and life is ok, just because it is, not because of anything I do.

I think it depends on how you frame it all for yourself, too. If you use polarised terms like failing and succeeding, because you set such high standards for yourself, you are not taking into account the natural flow of life. What would you have to sacrifice for yourself, to achieve your own high standards? Probably a lot of time and fun with your children. Something has to give..but not forever. You can have a spotless house when they are grown and left home, and a career etc. It comes around quicker than you think. I have teens now and I can feel the time of just dh and I being together is getting close...and we are both excited about it...but no way would I want to sacrifice these years of being so close with our kids, to have what we will naturally have when they move on- time to do all those other things. Everything has its time and season.

[MamaT]

I was (and still am) a Type A perfectionist. I just learned to let go. I still look around the house and think "I need to vacuum, and mop, and dust, and ..." I also think I need to spend more time in the gym, more time digging deeper into science and history, more time on this that or the other. And I make myself stop and think about what I do have. I have kids that enjoy being with me. They don't care (for the most part) what the house looks like. They don't care that I'm in sweats and need to drop more than a few pounds. I've got happy kids who enjoy spending time with me. And I'm happy. I keep reminding myself of that whenever I start thinking "not enough". It takes practice to let things go, but it gets easier the longer I do it.

 

This sounds like me. I also agree with the pp who said that some things in life serve as wake up calls. When my 2nd son was serving in Afghanistan, I realized EVERYTHING else was small stuff. It slammed everything into perspective for me. I remind myself constantly that we are all well, happy, and healthy. Anything else is gravy.

[zaichiki]

How do you avoid been pulled down by all that is less than perfect, instead of looking at what is, indeed, going well?

 

I work hard to stay in denial! :D

 

Seriously, though, I try very hard not to notice things like that. Probably not the best approach, but it works for me.

[elise1mds]

Once in a while, I sit down and do the Ugly Cry.

 

And when I'm done having my pity party, I get up and keep going and do the best that I can every single day and know that it's what I'm meant to do.

[LibrarianMom]

This thread has been very encouraging to me, and I also appreciate Muffinmom's post. It will be printed out and posted where I can see it frequently.

 

I've been learning over a long period of time not to compare myself to others. I've also decided that only someone who doesn't homeschool and/or doesn't work outside the home and doesn't have small children can possibly keep a spic n' span house.