Jean in Newcastle Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 I have four siblings. I have given gifts to all four brothers and sisters and my parents for the last 40 plus years. One brother has not celebrated Christmas for the past 20 years. I've given him a gift in January along with my "year end" (Christmas) letter. There has never been an acknowledgment. He of course does not give me a present. We have a great time when we see each other about twice a year but there isn't much communication in between times. The other brother lives closer. We talk on the phone about once a month. For the last 3 years he has not given me a Christmas present. It's felt awkward when I've given them mine. They say "thanks" but other than that there really isn't any acknowledgment. One sister tolerates me. We would probably go for years without any communication if I did not make a point of calling her once or twice a year. She used to give my kids a small present but has not given us anything for the last 4 years. She only acknowledged my gift once and her thank you letter said, "When I opened your gift, I said "yuck" but it wasn't so bad after all." The other sister and I are very close. We talk on the phone at least once a week. She has flown thousands of miles to come see me. She gives me a thoughtful gift each year and seems to appreciate my gifts to her. Can you guess which sibling I want to give a gift to and which ones I just want to stop giving to? It isn't a matter of just wanting acknowledgment, after all I have given for years without any, but I really don't think they want my gifts. As long as I ask my one sister to not tell the others (the other sister especially gets very jealous) can I just give a gift to her? There is no question that I will always give a gift to my parents. Oh - and some of the siblings do a gift exchange (they live close to each other). I asked to be cut into the gift exchange. They did not do so. Lately I've heard from my close sister that she dreads those gift exchanges because all the gifts are compared and criticized. She's thinking of dropping out of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 Gift giving is supposed to bring joy to both the giver and the recipient. If your heart is not in it then don't give them a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyg Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Well, I sympathize with your dilemma. I just this evening had to tell my SIL that we would not be doing adult gifts this year -- which effects the entire family gift giving process. She was not happy with me. I feel like Scrooge. :( Tomorrow I have to call my other SIL and go through the entire process again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessedmom3 Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 :iagree::iagree::iagree: Gift giving is supposed to bring joy to both the giver and the recipient. If your heart is not in it then don't give them a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 If it is that much of a hassle, it is not worth doing. Like the pp said, it's supposed to be a joyful thing....and it sounds like it is not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 15, 2009 Author Share Posted November 15, 2009 I talked to the sister that I'm close to. We agreed that we'll just give gifts to each other and we also agreed that mum's the word because we really don't want to make anyone feel badly or jealous. I honestly doubt that the 3 "left out" siblings will even notice that I don't give them anything or if they do it might be with a sense of relief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolchic Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 Well, I have a very different perspective after losing my only sister ( age 45) and brother in law ( age 44)...(they have surviving children) this year in separate tragic car accidents....same thing went on with my siblings for years....I have three brothers...each never acknowledging my gifts....until my sister's wake...when each of them in their own way told me how much they appreciated me all of these years and how in hindsight, they wish they had a chance to tell my sister the same thing, but now they never will....want my advice?? Life is too short for stuff like this. You really just dont know what tomorrow will bring so just pick up the phone and clear the air.....and just ask them what they would like to do for holiday gift giving...for all you know, they really treasure your generosity:) You are a great sister for doing this all these years....despite the lack of response....but you need to talk to them before it might be too late one day and you will never really know how they feel.....just my two cents...Blessings:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 I am having the same struggle. I will probably end up buying gifts for all . . . as usual . . . but I am so tired, so tired, of doing ALL the work of attempting relationship with some family members. I cannto quite give it up though--there is one person who has made a once-a-year effort my direction, and I hate to break that tenuous thread. I have other relatives who will respond so wildly inappropriately to a break with certain traditions that it's just easier to give the *#$! gift. Honestly, Christmas is a pretty rotten time of year for me because of the unhappiness my family of origin manages to evoke. I thank God each year for dh's family, who are such lovely, loving people and who manage to create a happy Christmas not for the sake of the holiday but because they genuinely want to be together and enjoy each others' company. I specifically schedule my family get-togethers to happen BEFORE dh's family get-togethers so that once the unpleasantness is over I can look forward to the "real" Christmas with dh's family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 We exchange very small things, and for a couple of years we had decided the gifts could only be thrift, but not jokes, just inexpensive and used. Yard Sales and thrift store finds etc. It was a lot of fun and everything was nice. I got books, which I loved. This year we have a $5 limit on gifts for each other. Which means lots of coffee GCs, which we all use! lol I don't think gift-giving should be a chore, or tit for tat. Give if you wish, or not if you don't. I think folks should talk together about what they want to do. My dh's family doesn't exchange adult gifts as it's not part of their culture...and that works very well. We might give each other candy or homemade cookies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 I don't think gift-giving should be a chore, or tit for tat. Give if you wish, or not if you don't. I think folks should talk together about what they want to do. If you get nothing out of your gift-giving, don't feel obligated to give. I am one of eight. There are sibling pairs that are closer than others, and it's always been that way. It's understandable that there would be discrepancies in the gift-giving between closer siblings, it's the nature of any relationship! Own your gift-giving decisions, and don't put your closer sister in the awkward position of having to deny to the other siblings that you've given her something. Feel no guilt for buying exclusively for the sibling you get something out of gifting to. I buy gifts for all of my siblings, but I'm very close to all of them. I even buy for the ones who never reciprocate, because it would feel wrong (to me) to not to so simply because gift-giving is my thing, whereas it is NOT "the thing" of all of my siblings. Just like my sister always has to call me because I rarely reciprocate the phone calls - calls are just "her thing" and my lack of reciprocity doesn't mean I don't care, it's just not my thing. I figure there are parts of our relationships that will feel (to each of us) like one-way streets, so it all evens out :) I might feel differently if I were the glue trying to keep the siblings in contact, which it sounds like you might be. That's a lot of pressure. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 In our extended family, we only give gifts for the kids. Works great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyg Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 In our extended family, we only give gifts for the kids. Works great! Who qualifies as a kid? Anyone who was birthed by a mother? Anyone younger than the oldest generation present? Anyone who is single or not yet a parent? (I have a single 45-year old brother who considers himself a kid, and two neices who are out of college who still enjoy kid status. :glare: ) I'd like to see "kid status" end when they are too old to enjoy simple toys; but I can't seem to make my family understand this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest janainaz Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 I don't understand the pressure to give gifts to my family or my friends. At all. Anyone who really knows me, knows that we are on one income and we simply can't afford to give gifts to everyone. We focus on kids - our kids and the other kids in our family. My parents get a card, my sister and I are so close that it's not even a conversation to be had, and the rest of the family just doesn't care. I never expect gifts from anyone and it would be the furthest thing from my mind to even consider the reason that someone would not give me a gift. I just love who I love and it isn't a second thought. In that same regard, if someone does give me a gift, it's very sweet and thoughtful and appreciated. I don't feel embarrassed or guilty if I don't have one for them. Your freedom can bring freedom to others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 15, 2009 Author Share Posted November 15, 2009 I won't be leaving my other siblings out of Christmas. I will be writing and sending our annual Christmas letter. Often this includes photos or a special poem or even book that meant something special to us that year. But finances are tight and I've felt that giving a special individual gift beyond that when it's not appreciated is just wasting the money that God's given us. My dh doesn't totally agree with me - he feels that giving generously is a show of grace and that we should show them grace no matter what. The trouble is, he doesn't manage the finances. So in my own mind - this is how I've resolved this. I do want to show grace to my friends and family. We will probably spend $200 this year with just our Christmas letters and a special book that we'll include. But I will give "extra grace" to where it is appreciated. To those people I will give an extra gift - nothing extravagant but something a little bit more individual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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