momtoboys Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Okay, i'm only asking this because of a friend I was talking with/trying to help. Anyway, she said she was abused sexually by multiple relatives. It sounds very bizarre. I'm not doubting her, but just wondering if this is a common thing among abuse victims. Have you heard of this happening (even if it wasn't you, but someone you've helped)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 If they are relatives in the same family, then they could all be passing on the behavior in a way. Ie. The father abuses the son and daughter and the son then turns and abuses the daughter too. If they are not relatives in the same family (ie. some are from mom's side and some are from dad's side) that would be more unusual I think. But sometimes abused kids and adults make it "easier" to be abused by being vulnerable. Note - I am not blaming the victim! I just mean that abusers seem to sense the vulnerable among us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 There was recently an article in our newspaper about a family with six (6!!) family members with long histories of s%xual crimes. Each one had seperate convictions for different things throughout the years, but what brought it about in the news was that all 6 at one time preyed upon one person (another family member, I believe). This was generational; father/brothers, one wife and thier sons. Makes me want to puke. But apparently, things like that happen. Perhaps its a genetic mental illness in some cases. I really don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 If they are not relatives in the same family (ie. some are from mom's side and some are from dad's side) that would be more unusual I think. Maybe they are drawn to each other, too. I'm always surprised to read of some horrible crime only to find out it wasn't just one sick individual, it was 2 or more. I can't imagine finding a partner in those sorts of crimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 I think beating a horse definitely constitutes abuse. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Being sexually victimized puts a person at risk of being victimized in similar ways again and again. Many of the clients I talk to have been molested/raped numerous times. They seem to give off a vibe that predators sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 This book is not for the faint of heart -- when I read it, I had to put it down for a few days and totally skip one section.....and I wasn't the victim: Transforming Trauma by Anna Salter You can read the review on Amazon -- she writes about an 'emotional footprint' put on the victim by the abuser. It explained alot to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 my friend's ex... Turns out his father abused his sister... the x abused the sister... and then he abused their daughter... UGH... nasty!! She has taken extreme action to make sure it doesn't get to her son... and that her daughter is "healed" through various ways.... (therapy etc...) Carrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Yes, sexual predators who aren't complete strangers usually target vulnerable people. There are many things that constitute vulnerability but some of them are things that are around for a long time. Issues like stepfathers and Mom's boyfriend's, neglectful parenting, kids who are doing poorly in school and in life, and other things that may be longterm problems. Also, criminal behavior tends to run in families. These are not hard and fast rules so there are plenty of people with original two parent homes who were caring and the kids were doing great and someone abuses them. Those tend to be shorter term abuses since those kinds of kids tend to tell quickly. The same goes for the criminal families. A lot of families have someone in the background who ran afoul of the law but almost everyone else was law-abiding. But you do have families where almost everyone is involved in a vareity of criminal behaviors and you can trace it back. Is she telling the truth? Maybe or maybe not. I would be much more skepital if these were so-called recalled memories and much more likely to believe if she tells you she never forgot these episodes. If you are interested, you should look into the scientific studies concerning recalled memories. It is an area which has had a lot of work done in the last 20 years and the thinking has greatly changed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoboys Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 no, I mean she says these are things she clearly remembers. . .and that occurred more than once. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Yes, It's a cycle. Grandfather abuses daughters. Son observes or experiences abusive behavior. Continues the cycle with his own children. Allows his children to visit overnight with grandfather who continues the abuse into the next generation. Siblings can become abusive because of the abuse they suffered, etc. Yes, it happens and I think it happens fairly often in issues of ince$t. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Yes, It's a cycle. Grandfather abuses daughters. Son observes or experiences abusive behavior. Continues the cycle with his own children. Allows his children to visit overnight with grandfather who continues the abuse into the next generation. Siblings can become abusive because of the abuse they suffered, etc. Yes, it happens and I think it happens fairly often in issues of ince$t. Yes, you are correct. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 :iagree: with the above poster. I would more likely believe her since she says she remembers it from the original time. But what to do? I think the best thing to recommend is for her to move on. Stop thinking of herself as a victim and make a new life for herself. Absolutely have no contact with the abusers. Just start a new life with a new focus. There is also plenty of scientific evidence that reliving experiences is not as helpful as just going forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoboys Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 I'm not a counselor (which makes me wonder why people always ask me for advice!), but it seems to me that it would be very hard to just "move on" after a situation like this. But, like I said, I'm no professional counselor, so perhaps I am totally off base. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 I'm not a counselor (which makes me wonder why people always ask me for advice!), but it seems to me that it would be very hard to just "move on" after a situation like this. But, like I said, I'm no professional counselor, so perhaps I am totally off base. You are right! Some people can just "move on" and get on with their lives, while others cannot. Just telling someone to "get over it" isn't likely to help, but might solidify in their minds that they are worthless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Okay, i'm only asking this because of a friend I was talking with/trying to help What exactly does she want from you? I mean if she is sharing this information because it is pertinent to something she is going through, then okay, just listen. For example, when my daughter reached the same age I was when the cr@p hit the fan, I was really, really struggling. I talked to the one close friend I have who knows pretty much my whole life story and just asked her to listen to my struggle. I knew she couldn't "fix" it. I didn't share details. I didn't rehash and rehash. I just said, "Look my daughter is now this age and I'm having trouble sleeping and I'm not sure how to just trust in the knowledge that her life will never be like mine." I just needed someone to listen and BELIEVE ME. If she is wanting "help" then she needs to get it. Spilling her guts over and over and over again isn't going to help you or her. It is hard for abused folks to learn sometimes that "puking your history" is not a test of friendship. My sister has a tendency to use our messed up childhood as a litmus test of sorts with her friendships. Meet a new person, puke on them, see if they stay or run away. Not very healthy. Time to see a counselor, IMO. And yes, if possilble, one should remove themselves completely from the abusive family dynamic. If you can cut out that rotten meat and cauterize the wound then do it! You don't get over something by daily peeling off the scab and showing it to everyone. You'll never heal that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoboys Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 I don't know what she wants. . i honestly think just to tell me or something? I am not really able to give her the kind of help she really needs, unfortunately. Which makes me feel badly, but I have no training in that area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 :iagree: with the above poster. I would more likely believe her since she says she remembers it from the original time. But what to do? I think the best thing to recommend is for her to move on. Stop thinking of herself as a victim and make a new life for herself. Absolutely have no contact with the abusers. Just start a new life with a new focus. There is also plenty of scientific evidence that reliving experiences is not as helpful as just going forward. Absolutely -- abusers leave an 'emotional footprint' on the victim. This EF can be shed, and the victim can make a new life for him or herself. Counseling/therapy with a professional who specializes in this particular area can be life-changing. And, one must move forward --reliving the experience , imo, is comparable to living in the past. I'm not a counselor (which makes me wonder why people always ask me for advice!), but it seems to me that it would be very hard to just "move on" after a situation like this. But, like I said, I'm no professional counselor, so perhaps I am totally off base. One does not 'just' move on -- it is a long, painful, complicated (sometimes) process....did I say it's painful? And, it's a 'process.' One step at a time. :sad: I am not being snarky, it's so difficult to know the tone with which one's words are being read. A victim does not decide to put it all behind him or her and wake up the next day, and that's it. It takes work, some days it feels like one step forward, two hundred steps back. But, the alternative to moving forward is being stuck in the past -- a painful, painful, horrible past. So the process of moving forward and the work it takes is worth it. And, one must allow themselves the time they need to grieve their inner child if this was done to them as a child, and go on from there. Again, I must recommend the book Transforming Trauma by Anna Salter. HTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoboys Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 Thanks. . I'll recommend the book to her and maybe that will help somewhat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 :iagree: with the above poster. I would more likely believe her since she says she remembers it from the original time. But what to do? I think the best thing to recommend is for her to move on. Stop thinking of herself as a victim and make a new life for herself. Absolutely have no contact with the abusers. Just start a new life with a new focus. There is also plenty of scientific evidence that reliving experiences is not as helpful as just going forward. Hm. I think in most cases, people benefit from good professional help when they've been sexually abused. There are behaviors, thinking patterns, fears and responses that are tied to having been abused (and moreso at young ages) where it is useful to learn about them so that you can move on, build a life and not live as a victim, but as a whole proactive person and survivor. It seems to me that the healthiest responses aren't on either side of the spectrum: immerse yourself in the crimes against you for years of self centered therapy or move on as if there are no significant ramifications. Unhealed childhood sexual abuse is very significant. It's not deterministic, but it's also not superficial. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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