Anyone Implementing ScreamFree Parenting?

[lakotajm]

I checked out a book from the library called ScreamFree Parenting. Oh how much sense it makes! But can it be done? (Especially by someone with depressive/bipolar tendencies who didn't get very effectively parented herself?) I tried today to remember the tips. I still ended up yelling once or twice. Does it get easier? How?

 

I am considering counseling. How can I integrate this into ScreamFree parenting? And what about husbands and parents?-we live with my mother (the whine/***** and yell queen.) Any advice welcomed.

 

Lakota

 

DD 13

DD6

DD4

[jazzyfizzle]

I haven't heard of the book, but I will check that one out.

Your post reminded me of something that happened last winter- I caught a terrible flu (if it would happen like that this year, I know I would panic) but I literally could not talk or function well for several days. I had to get the kids' attention by waving my hand, or stomping a foot and then they had to come close for me to whisper what I wanted to say, or write it down.

It was amazing to see how I seemed to have even more influence while I could not speak! They even became quieter themselves! It was really something, and interesting, that I have remembered. :)

[MariannNOVA]

I am going to look for the book at the library. I would love to implement it or at least try it.....the difficulty is that I would probably have to stop screaming! :glare:

[jazzyfizzle]

:lol: Likewise!!! :lol:

[Joanne]

(Especially by someone with depressive/bipolar tendencies who didn't get very effectively parented herself?) I tried today to remember the tips. I still ended up yelling once or twice. Does it get easier? How?

 

I am considering counseling. How can I integrate this into ScreamFree parenting? And what about husbands and parents?-we live with my mother (the whine/***** and yell queen.) Any advice welcomed.

 

It's been a long time since I read about scream free parenting.

 

I bolded the part I'd like to address. If you have an instinctual or habit based propensity to scream or yell, you will not be able to sufficiently overcome it unless you deal with the biological realities that I bolded.

 

I'd say counseling is absolutely needed along with an absolute desire to change and admission that yelling is not good parenting.

 

In the yell thread, I posted a decent starting point for changing yelling. I'll copy it:

 

 

Some ideas....(these have worked here because of our life situation, please don't take offense if they are not an issue in your home)

 

Limit screen time (for everyone).

It seems here that too much screen time means not enough structure, too much tv that has "attitude content", too much junk food (sorry Reya, it does effect behavior here), chores, work and other things are not getting done which makes me more edgy.

 

 

 

Go play

. Make the kids go outside and play. Play at the park. Play in the backyard. Play somewhere. Play together, play separate but play!

 

 

 

Have structure

Long breaks from school, a haphazard homemaking schedule, lack of plans for chores, library, grocery shopping........they increase stress (and screen time) and make me more prone to yell.

 

 

 

Eat well, sleep well, move

! Stress reducers.

 

 

 

Have a satisfactory intimate life

Stress reducer

 

 

 

Connect first, correct 2nd

In the moment, try to connect through touch, eye contact, words, *something* that reminds you they are yours and you love them.

 

 

 

Bond, playfulness, affection

In the habits of feeling good about your kids, it's harder to yell. Make affection and playfulness a habit.

 

 

 

Tell yourself that yelling is hitting with words.

This is true even if the words are not unkind, abusive, shaming. The volume alone hurts some people.

 

Pray (or meditiate or visualize)

 

Change the tone

Kids can learn just as easily if you are goofy, silly, playful as they can if you are stern and loud. When something is building, do a silly dance, sing a stupid song (I make some up about the issue at hand).

 

 

 

Know your triggers

Is it mess? Noise? Frantic activity around you? Them not giving you s p a c e? Find out what bothers you most, minimize it, be honest with your kids about it and make plans as a family to avoid that. If it's not reasonable to avoid that trigger, you may need some additional help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a result of this thread, I reinstituted an old tactic I've used successfully before:

 

 

 

Code Words. My kids have a code word for me when my tone gets disrespectul or they feel hurt. They can't over use this to get out of chores, school work, etc. They can only use it when I have crossed a line with my approach.

 

 

 

And I have a code word for each of them instead of nagging.

 

 

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=16

 

__________________

 

Edited October 27, 2009 by Joanne

[MariannNOVA]

](Especially by someone with depressive/bipolar tendencies who didn't get very effectively parented herself?) I[/b] tried today to remember the tips. I still ended up yelling once or twice. Does it get easier? How?

 

I am considering counseling. How can I integrate this into ScreamFree parenting? And what about husbands and parents?-we live with my mother (the whine/***** and yell queen.) Any advice welcomed.

 

It's been a long time since I read about scream free parenting.

 

I bolded the part I'd like to address. If you have an instinctual or habit based propensity to scream or yell, you will not be able to sufficiently overcome it unless you deal with the biological realities that I bolded.

 

I'd say counseling is absolutely needed along with an absolute desire to change and admission that yelling is not good parenting.

 

In the yell thread, I posted a decent starting point for changing yelling. I'll copy it:

 

 

Some ideas....(these have worked here because of our life situation, please don't take offense if they are not an issue in your home)

 

 

 

Limit screen time (for everyone).

It seems here that too much screen time means not enough structure, too much tv that has "attitude content", too much junk food (sorry Reya, it does effect behavior here), chores, work and other things are not getting done which makes me more edgy.

 

 

 

Go play

. Make the kids go outside and play. Play at the park. Play in the backyard. Play somewhere. Play together, play separate but play!

 

 

 

Have structure

Long breaks from school, a haphazard homemaking schedule, lack of plans for chores, library, grocery shopping........they increase stress (and screen time) and make me more prone to yell.

 

 

 

Eat well, sleep well, move

! Stress reducers.

 

 

 

Have a satisfactory intimate life

Stress reducer

 

 

 

Connect first, correct 2nd

In the moment, try to connect through touch, eye contact, words, *something* that reminds you they are yours and you love them.

 

 

 

Bond, playfulness, affection

In the habits of feeling good about your kids, it's harder to yell. Make affection and playfulness a habit.

 

 

 

Tell yourself that yelling is hitting with words.

This is true even if the words are not unkind, abusive, shaming. The volume alone hurts some people.

 

 

 

Pray (or meditiate or visualize)

 

 

 

Change the tone

Kids can learn just as easily if you are goofy, silly, playful as they can if you are stern and loud. When something is building, do a silly dance, sing a stupid song (I make some up about the issue at hand).

 

 

 

Know your triggers

Is it mess? Noise? Frantic activity around you? Them not giving you s p a c e? Find out what bothers you most, minimize it, be honest with your kids about it and make plans as a family to avoid that. If it's not reasonable to avoid that trigger, you may need some additional help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a result of this thread, I reinstituted an old tactic I've used successfully before:

 

 

 

Code Words. My kids have a code word for me when my tone gets disrespectul or they feel hurt. They can't over use this to get out of chores, school work, etc. They can only use it when I have crossed a line with my approach.

 

 

 

And I have a code word for each of them instead of nagging.

 

 

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=16

 

__________________

 

 

Thanks for posting this -- fantastic information! A great starting point for me and every single thing rings true! Thanks again!:001_smile:

[Nestof3]

Thanks so much, Joanne. This is good stuff to really think on -- and act on.

 

](Especially by someone with depressive/bipolar tendencies who didn't get very effectively parented herself?) I[/b] tried today to remember the tips. I still ended up yelling once or twice. Does it get easier? How?

 

I am considering counseling. How can I integrate this into ScreamFree parenting? And what about husbands and parents?-we live with my mother (the whine/***** and yell queen.) Any advice welcomed.

 

It's been a long time since I read about scream free parenting.

 

I bolded the part I'd like to address. If you have an instinctual or habit based propensity to scream or yell, you will not be able to sufficiently overcome it unless you deal with the biological realities that I bolded.

 

I'd say counseling is absolutely needed along with an absolute desire to change and admission that yelling is not good parenting.

 

In the yell thread, I posted a decent starting point for changing yelling. I'll copy it:

 

 

Some ideas....(these have worked here because of our life situation, please don't take offense if they are not an issue in your home)

 

 

 

Limit screen time (for everyone).

It seems here that too much screen time means not enough structure, too much tv that has "attitude content", too much junk food (sorry Reya, it does effect behavior here), chores, work and other things are not getting done which makes me more edgy.

 

 

 

Go play

. Make the kids go outside and play. Play at the park. Play in the backyard. Play somewhere. Play together, play separate but play!

 

 

 

Have structure

Long breaks from school, a haphazard homemaking schedule, lack of plans for chores, library, grocery shopping........they increase stress (and screen time) and make me more prone to yell.

 

 

 

Eat well, sleep well, move

! Stress reducers.

 

 

 

Have a satisfactory intimate life

Stress reducer

 

 

 

Connect first, correct 2nd

In the moment, try to connect through touch, eye contact, words, *something* that reminds you they are yours and you love them.

 

 

 

Bond, playfulness, affection

In the habits of feeling good about your kids, it's harder to yell. Make affection and playfulness a habit.

 

 

 

Tell yourself that yelling is hitting with words.

This is true even if the words are not unkind, abusive, shaming. The volume alone hurts some people.

 

 

 

Pray (or meditiate or visualize)

 

 

 

Change the tone

Kids can learn just as easily if you are goofy, silly, playful as they can if you are stern and loud. When something is building, do a silly dance, sing a stupid song (I make some up about the issue at hand).

 

 

 

Know your triggers

Is it mess? Noise? Frantic activity around you? Them not giving you s p a c e? Find out what bothers you most, minimize it, be honest with your kids about it and make plans as a family to avoid that. If it's not reasonable to avoid that trigger, you may need some additional help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a result of this thread, I reinstituted an old tactic I've used successfully before:

 

 

 

Code Words. My kids have a code word for me when my tone gets disrespectul or they feel hurt. They can't over use this to get out of chores, school work, etc. They can only use it when I have crossed a line with my approach.

 

 

 

And I have a code word for each of them instead of nagging.

 

 

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=16

 

__________________

 

[angela in ohio]

We sound similar (depression, poor parenting in childhood.) I overcame my yelling about six or seven years ago. I'm not sure if you're a Christian (though they may be helpful even if you're not,) but I used these talks to overcome my yelling, anger, frustration, etc.:

 

Anger: Relationship Poison

 

Freedom from the Spirit of Anger

 

What Impatience Does

 

Anger the Destroyer

[keptwoman]

 

 

Tell yourself that yelling is hitting with words.

This is true even if the words are not unkind, abusive, shaming. The volume alone hurts some people.

 

This is the crux of what stopped me. I have one child who reacts very strongly to yelling and even poor tone. Me yelling just sends him over the edge. I had no choice but to stop. It's not easy and I'd be lying if I said I never yelled at the kids but it's not often and it's usually because we are in different rooms. I find being in the same room is definitely beneficial :D

If I find myself getting really close to wanting to yell I calm myself down with lots of deep breathing.

[asta]

The thing is, yelling isn't always bad. If I scream "STOP" in a blood curdling, I'm going to eviscerate you voice, and it keeps my kid from stepping in front of a truck? Eh. I'm not too worried about it. And if my kid knows that voice because he has heard it once or twice before and there wasn't a truck (but maybe something dangerous, just not as much)? Again, eh - I still have my kid.

 

It isn't the yelling, it is the intent.

 

I really have to agree with the blog post the Last Psychiatrist wrote on this one.

 

I'd quote it, but it's a bit convoluted. I can, however, say I don't normally eviscerate my kid with screams.

 

 

a

[dangermom]

This is the crux of what stopped me. I have one child who reacts very strongly to yelling and even poor tone. Me yelling just sends him over the edge.

I have a kid like this too. I did learn not to yell--I have several things I do instead. But it takes a while! Now, when I'm upset, my voice goes quieter much of the time.

 

I'm prone to laryngitis and have lost my voice many times--once I could hardly talk for a whole month! My kids learned to come when I clapped my hands. I can't say they were more attentive, but it worked just fine.

[TammyinTN]

After growing up in a house of screamers...there was no way I was going to raise my kids this way. I still shudder when I hear someone screaming at their kids. I talk in a very quiet voice and it works great. I don't let things build up to get all stressed out and scream.

[herbalgirl]

I love that book! In fact, I was just thinking about getting it out from the library again to read. I should probably just BUY the thing!

 

It does make total sense, doesn't it?

 

I love what Joanne posted, too. I am like yourself in what you wrote. I don't know if counseling is always needed, but definitely the other points she posted are wonderful and worth remembering. I know around here, if my kids don't get regular activity, eat sugary/junky foods, watch too much tv or play games on the computer, it is...well, it isn't a very good day! It is so true about the need to have structure in the day, too. Right now, we're trying to become used to having a new baby in the house, plus a bunch of rainy days, so it is very tough.

 

I also think the likening of yelling/screaming to hitting without words is very powerful and true. Like some of the other women that posted, I have several children who get very wounded when I (or my dh) raise our voices. It crushes their little spirits and makes me feel like dirt (rightly so).

[Nestof3]

The thing is, yelling isn't always bad. If I scream "STOP" in a blood curdling, I'm going to eviscerate you voice, and it keeps my kid from stepping in front of a truck? Eh. I'm not too worried about it. And if my kid knows that voice because he has heard it once or twice before and there wasn't a truck (but maybe something dangerous, just not as much)? Again, eh - I still have my kid.

 

It isn't the yelling, it is the intent.

 

I really have to agree with the blog post the Last Psychiatrist wrote on this one.

 

I'd quote it, but it's a bit convoluted. I can, however, say I don't normally eviscerate my kid with screams.

 

 

a

 

I really think your example is a totally different thing than what is being discussed in this thread.

 

We are talking about screaming whenever frustrated.

[Joanne]

The thing is, yelling isn't always bad. If I scream "STOP" in a blood curdling, I'm going to eviscerate you voice, and it keeps my kid from stepping in front of a truck? Eh. I'm not too worried about it. And if my kid knows that voice because he has heard it once or twice before and there wasn't a truck (but maybe something dangerous, just not as much)? Again, eh - I still have my kid.

 

It isn't the yelling, it is the intent.

 

I really have to agree with the blog post the Last Psychiatrist wrote on this one.

 

I'd quote it, but it's a bit convoluted. I can, however, say I don't normally eviscerate my kid with screams.

 

 

a

 

Situational yelling in danger situations makes sense. I don't think the OP in this thread is talking about the limited and useful yelling.

 

As far as the link, I have to respectfully say I'm not impressed. Similar to the linked article in the other thread, it's poor writing and poor logic. The choices for parenting aren't spanking or screaming.

[asta]

The article I linked was referring to a New York Times article (that was referenced on this very board this past week) about yelling being the new spanking.

 

Of course the choices for parenting are not and should not be yelling or spanking. Unfortunately, many people find themselves in that situation. As nestof3 just wrote "we're talking about screaming whenever frustrated", which is exactly what the article I linked discussed.

 

Whenever WE are frustrated.

 

But we are the adults. No matter how bad of a day we've had, now matter how seemingly heinous the situation, if the situation is one of frustration, it is *our* frustration, not our child's. WE have to learn to deal with it. Can books help? Certainly. If we are in a place in our life where the information contained therein is understandable and applicable.

 

If, however, we are coming from a background of a dearth of basic coping skills due to poor parenting on *our* parent's part, or are dealing with either a chronic or debilitating illness, both of those situations need to be addressed prior to us hoping to "fix" the issue of yelling in frustration whenever our kid gets on our last nerve.

 

I am a firm believer in the "if I fix my own issue, I won't see fault everywhere else I look" book. Meaning: when *I* am mentally healthy - my medications are correct, my brain isn't skittering all over the map, I'm having healthy interactions and an outlet for my frustrations (I don't do counseling, but I do some other things) - then I don't take my frustrations out on those around me, and I don't yell at them.

 

It is a different approach than some people, but it is an approach.

 

 

a

[Joanne]

The article I linked was referring to a New York Times article (that was referenced on this very board this past week) about yelling being the new spanking.

 

Of course the choices for parenting are not and should not be yelling or spanking. Unfortunately, many people find themselves in that situation. As nestof3 just wrote "we're talking about screaming whenever frustrated", which is exactly what the article I linked discussed.

 

Whenever WE are frustrated.

 

But we are the adults. No matter how bad of a day we've had, now matter how seemingly heinous the situation, if the situation is one of frustration, it is *our* frustration, not our child's. WE have to learn to deal with it. Can books help? Certainly. If we are in a place in our life where the information contained therein is understandable and applicable.

 

If, however, we are coming from a background of a dearth of basic coping skills due to poor parenting on *our* parent's part, or are dealing with either a chronic or debilitating illness, both of those situations need to be addressed prior to us hoping to "fix" the issue of yelling in frustration whenever our kid gets on our last nerve.

 

I am a firm believer in the "if I fix my own issue, I won't see fault everywhere else I look" book. Meaning: when *I* am mentally healthy - my medications are correct, my brain isn't skittering all over the map, I'm having healthy interactions and an outlet for my frustrations (I don't do counseling, but I do some other things) - then I don't take my frustrations out on those around me, and I don't yell at them.

 

It is a different approach than some people, but it is an approach.

 

 

a

 

Great edit and not simply because I agree with you. ;) Well, I still don't like the article you mentioned. :lol:

 

I do agree that fixing ourselves = automatically better parenting. I believe fixing ourselves (regardless of the cause of the problem) is necessary AND sufficient to effect change.

 

Fixing ourselves takes many forms, sometimes including meds and counseling. For others, eating better and yoga is sufficient. Some just need more sleep.

[mama2cntrykids]

Thanks for this post! I am determinded to stop screaming, yelling, blowing up at my kids. It's certainly NOT healthy and I absolutely don't want them to parent my grandchildren that way <shudder>. Only *I* can change the yelling though. I just need the right tools to do so. Thanks to the poster on page one who had all the good ideas!

[Amy in NH]

I haven't read the book, but I overcame the screamies about 5 or 6 years ago. For me, I found that my triggers for screaming were feeling totally overwhelmed (and sometimes hormonal), which was reflected by the kids in their behavior, which spiraled into feeling out of control and screaming at them. Another problem I found in myself was that I am really overstimulated by excessive noise (especially prolonged repetitive banging or knocking).

 

What I did to get control of myself:

 

1. Turn off the TV and don't even allow the little kids to watch PBS or videos until late afternoon.

 

2. Turn on the stereo, especially with low-volume classical or other soothing music.

 

3. Tell the kids when I am getting overstimulated so that they have a chance to change their behavior ("please stop banging the table/tapping the floor/talking so loudly, I'm getting overstimulated and I don't want to start yelling"). They remember what it was like when I started screaming, and they almost always stop the offending behavior right away. If they don't stop, I immediately send them away (to work in the living room/sit on their bed/take a run around the yard) until they get it out of their system and/or I am feeling more calm, or I take the dog out for a short brisk walk.

 

4. Try not to overschedule myself to the point where I am feeling overwhelmed. Although that isn't always possible with 4 kids and a busy lifestyle, I am doing better with this. When I do feel overwhelmed, I can also ask for help from dh/kids to take some mundane tasks off my shoulders for a few days until I get through it. And because I can be visually overstimulated by a large mess in my house to the point where I can't focus on teaching the kids, very occasionally I will take a whole day off from homeschool to get the house back in order if I have had to let it slip to get through a particularly busy period. During those stressful times, I am honest with my family by telling them "I am feeling overwhelmed and need more help with x,y,z".

[lakotajm]

This is the crux of what stopped me. I have one child who reacts very strongly to yelling and even poor tone. Me yelling just sends him over the edge. I had no choice but to stop. It's not easy and I'd be lying if I said I never yelled at the kids but it's not often and it's usually because we are in different rooms. I find being in the same room is definitely beneficial :D

If I find myself getting really close to wanting to yell I calm myself down with lots of deep breathing.

Originally Posted by Joanne

Tell yourself that yelling is hitting with words

 

Ok, but what if you have already also been spanking because dh feels it is appropriate.

(IOW-telling myself this doesn't help.)

Many call this "hitting". I have decided I want to stop that as well and have talked to him about it. But here is my dilemma-I want to stop, I agree with why and the reasoning is so on cue. But how the heck

do

you stop?! I find it is so uncontollable in me. And then I feel guilty-because "everyone knows" you can control yourself. Really? I wish. I want to be ok with my child running away when I say "come here". And I am not. I want to think of the brilliant, calmly stated and meaningful (to her) consequence that will take it off of me as being personally offended and responsible for her actions-and I can't. AAGGHH!!!

Did it again tonight-yelled and then spanked. I just wish I could have a mind transfer with one of y'all.

Lakota

[keptwoman]

I had stopped smacking because I wasn't happy with it. DH was still insistent that it was appropriate. One day DH and I had a fairly large argument about it and in the end he agreed that if it was that important to me he would stop.

 

As to how. I think for me the key for both smacking and yelling is understanding my anger signs. You feel like it's uncontrollable but in fact your body will be showing you it's angry before you get to the point of smacking or yelling. I start to breath faster but other signs are things like clenched fists etc.

 

You might like to consider as you are starting to get irate with the children what is happening with your body and sort yourself out before you blow. I either do some deep breathing or tell the children I am starting to get mad and I need some space and quiet to calm down and I will deal with the situation when I've calmed.

[Joanne]

Ok, but what if you have already also been spanking because dh feels it is appropriate.

(IOW-telling myself this doesn't help.)

Many call this "hitting". I have decided I want to stop that as well and have talked to him about it. But here is my dilemma-I want to stop, I agree with why and the reasoning is so on cue. But how the heck do you stop?! I find it is so uncontollable in me. And then I feel guilty-because "everyone knows" you can control yourself. Really? I wish. I want to be ok with my child running away when I say "come here". And I am not. I want to think of the brilliant, calmly stated and meaningful (to her) consequence that will take it off of me as being personally offended and responsible for her actions-and I can't. AAGGHH!!!

Did it again tonight-yelled and then spanked. I just wish I could have a mind transfer with one of y'all.

Lakota

 

Do *you* feel spanking is appropriate? If not, it's perfectly fine that you don't include spanking in your parenting toolbox even if he does. He can't (or shouldn't) insist you do.

 

Here are some thoughts.

 

Given the anger behind your reactions, most author spanking advocates would say that you shouldn't spank. They'd suggest (as do I) that you get a handle on the anger and it's origin. That may be a complex endeavor; it may not. It could be as simple as understanding age expected behavior, getting more sleep. It might be complex enough to need outside mental health support.

 

Truly, if you have a child young enough to run away instead of come to you, no consequence will impart the knowledge of danger, of keeping themselves safe. Discipline (or punishment) does not mature children. After the spanking, time out, talk, loss of privilege, they are still the same age and stage. ;)

 

If you've like to change the tone and tenor of your discipline and home, it's a comprehenisve process that starts will a decision. Let me know if I can help you with that. BTW, if you make changes that your DH does not, it can still "work" to create a home with firm, kind discipline and a joyful atmosphere assuming DH isn't heavily punitive or worse.

[lakotajm]

Well, wouldn't it be confusing to the children if he spanks and I don't? You hear so much about there needing to be consistency across parents. Also he tends to do the knee-jerk smack thing more than I and I hate it. Like kid is bugging you and won't stop and you hit their arm/leg/top of head. It is sudden and though he asks them to stop, never mentions smacking to be a potential consequence.

 

He especially gets irate if I suggest he is a little out of line, if the kids are listening. He believes the other parent should always support the others' actions at least at the time. That's how his parents were. But he is so hard to talk to regardless and I sometimes have felt like I needed to intervene right then!

 

My history with spanking is what led me to be against it, originally. My stepfather paddled us too harshly and in a most variable/hard to predict manner. It made our lives so stressful. I hated him and had made plans to kill him by the time he beat me to the punch and left my mom.

 

I found parenting very tough, though, until I stumbled upon 1,2,3 magic, which I used with my eldest. She was 5 when my dh and I were dating (conceived from a one-night-stand). And I mad ethe silly assumption that he was ok with my parenting style because he observed it and never said a word against it until after we were married. I tried to have reasoned, adult conversations with him but he's hard to talk to. He just didn't agree and wouldn't budge, leaving me to concede. I was having a postpartum depression nervous breakdown shortly after that concession and got on medication, which helped. Then I began to read more from advocates of spanking (and the Bible) and began to see a certain legitimacy to its use which helped me implement it.

 

But that belief has waned, and children haven't shown that they respond well to spanking. And some of my old objections to it seem to make renewed sense. I just don't want to keep doing it now.

 

Long post-frustrated and sad. On the bright side, we had a pretty good day today and I remained mostly calm. But we were out and about. We went to the mall (rare) for eldest to spend her b-day money. Not too much trouble. A time-out or two, but no yelling.

 

Thanks for all the support, guys.

 

Lakota

[Joanne]

Well, wouldn't it be confusing to the children if he spanks and I don't? You hear so much about there needing to be consistency across parents. Also he tends to do the knee-jerk smack thing more than I and I hate it. Like kid is bugging you and won't stop and you hit their arm/leg/top of head. It is sudden and though he asks them to stop, never mentions smacking to be a potential consequence.

 

No. The consistency doesn't have to be that you discipline using the same methods but that you are on the same page in terms of standards of behavior. There are many ways to discipline children; he can spank and you can chose yours. You can agree to not tell him to stop spanking and he can agree to not tell you to spank.

 

Even kids young enough to spank will intuit that mommy and daddy are *different* but that doesn't make one wrong and the other right.

 

Now, it sounds like his discipline approach could use some help as he seems to get annoyed and instead of handling it well before the frustration point, he explodes.

 

Finally, if any adult, including Dad were over the top phyiscally with my kids I would say something in the moment in front of my kids. The key there for you is determining if indeed he is over the top and that might mean involving another person to offer some perspective.