WWYD discipline issue

[teachermom2834]

This is about my 9 yo ds. This is the first time dealing with something like this so I'm unsure.

 

I pick ds up from co-op and notice a bald spot on his head. I asked him what happened to his hair and he tells me that another boy (both boys are prone to silliness) cut his hair in class. I ask him to repeat story several times and he insists that this boy was pretending to cut his hair and that he went to grab the scissors and in the process closed them and took a chunk out of his hair. I was kind of in shock because it was such a strange story but I believed him. I wasn't really upset. I don't really care about his hair. I did decide to let the teacher and other mom know that had happened only because it was cut very close to his head and I didn't want anyone to get hurt and thought the teacher should know.

 

I sent a very light hearted email to the teacher and the other mom to the effect of "hey, ds came home with this wild story today about a haircut from this other kid, not really sure what to believe, just wanted everyone to know, etc."

 

Well, 2 days later my ds story has fallen apart and he confesses that he got silly with some other boys and cut his own hair. The other little boy he accused didn't have anything to do with it. I am very upset with him. I would not have cared about the hair. I would have been annoyed that he was so immature, rolled my eyes, and likely had some consequence. Now that he has accused another boy and I've gotten the teacher and other parent involved I'm totally embarassed and frustrated with him. So far, the consequences are:

 

1) I personally apologized to the other mom and the teacher.

 

2) Ds has written letters of apology to the other boy, his mom, and teacher.

 

3) Ds will not take that class the rest of the semester. He'll go to the library and do book work during that time. He will reimburse me the cost of the missed classes (this is enough to hurt but doable for him). This is along the lines of "if you can't handle the class you don't get to take it."

 

4)He will not be able to go on outings with friends, Grandpa, etc for a period of time yet to be determined. This is because he hasn't proven he can behave away from his parents.

 

Is this reasonable? Too light? Too harsh? Am I missing some obvious natural consequence here?

 

This is the first time he has ever gotten in trouble like this out away from home and I'm not sure what to do. We've calmly discussed the consequences for him in terms of his reputation and whether or not this little boy will want to still be his friend.

 

Any further advice? I am very upset but proud of myself for staying calm and having a matter of fact "you messed up, here are the consequences of that, I love you" kind of attitude.

 

I have always told my kids that I know they are going to mess up and make mistakes and that the consequences are going to be much worse if they lie or I hear about it from someone else. I feel like he has given me the perfect scenario to demonstrate that. I'm still really mad, though :)

 

Marie

[phathui5]

Well, I think the natural consequence is that the kid won't like him. Natural consequences don't get imposed from above.

 

I think #1 and #2 were obvious, and the right thing to do. I wouldn't do #3 unless it's because the teacher doesn't want him back in the class.

[Tangerine]

These seem like pretty logical consequences of what he actually did. The last one seemed to fall more into the "punishment" than the "logical consequence" category. I guess I would examine if the last one seems really true to you. Do you really think he can't behave properly with Grandpa, given the vast majority of his past behavior all taken into account? Or is it more of a punishment, rather than a true statement?

 

I would also honestly examine my own embarrassment (from having written the email being mistaken), and whether or not that influenced the consequences. All in all, it sounds like you're really upset about the important things. Not the hair, but the following behavior. I think you've come up with some fair results.

[Tap]

To me it seems a bit harsh, but you know the history of your son's behaviors and what it takes to drive a point home to him.

 

The apologizing...absolutely appropriate, especially because he blatantly lied several times.

 

Canceling the class? I don't understand that. You probably have more reasons for this than what you put in the post. Unless I thought the class somehow contributed to the situation, I wouldn't cancel something that obviously had a value to you originally.

 

Being kept out of future outings (I read this as grounded) is an iffy one to me. If grandpa is the type of person who can give a good 'talk' you may be missing an opportunity here. If possible, is there someone...dad, g-pa, uncle, etc who can have a man-to-man chat with him about honor, mistakes and owning up to your own?

 

Unless this is a repeated event, I would use it more as a spring board to give guidance than to punish. Over punishment, can make matters worse sometimes, especially when the child lied to get out of punishment in the first place. It justifies the behavior to some kids. Any punishment, would only be based on the lying and false blame, not the incident.

 

Instead of punishment, I would find ways to reinforce what you would have liked to see have happened, so you are more likely to see it next time.

 

But, again, you know your child...you know his personality, not me.

[Plucky]

I'd have stopped after #2. I might not have made him write letters, but I'm not there. Kudos for staying calm. How does your son feel about the punishment?

Edited September 19, 2009 by True Blue

[teachermom2834]

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate all input here.

 

It seems like most people would have just had him apologize and that's it. That is a little surprising.

 

I feel like this is a bigger deal than that. He was given many many opportunities to come clean before I contacted the teacher.

 

I have refrained from any punishment beyond #2 until I have had a couple days to think about it.

 

I do feel like a 9 yo lying to parents and falsely accusing another kid warrants something beyond an apology. No?

 

This is new territory for me and I really do appreciate opinions.

 

Marie

[kalanamak]

I would skip 3, and not include GP in 4, unless he has been bad to/with GP.

[Plucky]

I would skip 3, and not include GP in 4, unless he has been bad to/with GP.

 

This is my vote.

[Aggie]

My son told me a bold-faced lie last week. Looked me right in the eyes and lied.:glare: I understand where you're coming from.

 

In *this* case, I wouldn't cancel the class because he would probably learn something from it, right? But...I would go sit in on the class for a few weeks and let him know I'm there because I want to see his behavior. First, he did something immature, then he lied about it. I would tell him those 2 things show me he needs a parent around more often. Is sitting in on the class a possibility for you?

 

I actually agree with #4. If you can't tell me the truth, how do I know what you're going to tell anyone else? If I can't trust you in our own home, I'm hesitant to trust you anywhere else. I probably wouldn't make it for longer than 2 weeks, but I would make sure there was something special he missed out on during those 2 weeks.

 

I can handle mistakes, but I will not tolerate lies. When my dc lie, they get in trouble for the mistake and for the lie. The two are separate and are dealt with separately, usually.

 

HTH

[Old Dominion Heather]

I also think one and two are enough punishment. The only way I would do #3 is if the teacher doesn't want him in the class anymore. I think #4 is over the top.

 

ETA: If this is a craft class and they will be using scissors, then I might pull him out. He has proven that he can't be trusted with scissors.

Edited September 19, 2009 by Old Dominion Heather

[phathui5]

I do feel like a 9 yo lying to parents and falsely accusing another kid warrants something beyond an apology. No?

 

Here's a good article about addressing lying:

 

http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/lying.html

[Old Dominion Heather]

This is a very good article.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I actually think you handled it well.

 

I may have tried a different approach (as far as #3), maybe you sit in on the class. If that's not possible, then, yes, I'd pull him, too. I'll bet he'll think twice about that sort of thing again!

 

I would be wondering why on earth he found it necessary to do something so ridiculous. Immaturity sounds like an easy answer, maybe too easy. I'd be digging through character issues and making every single second a lesson in character for a while...exhausting for you, I surely know :grouphug:

[SonshineLearner]

I'm not sure I'd ex him from the class. If you can sit with him in there... or if he could sit by someone else. Of course, lying would be a problem. My idea before I had kids was to do what I read Susannah Wesley did... Don't lie... and punishment wouldn't be needed... (disciplined perhaps, but not "spanking" or such...)

 

Kids lie... adults lie.... Maybe he just needed to know how to get out of it.

 

Carrie

[Danestress]

for an offense that had nothing to do with grandparents. It seems cruel to his grandfather and unnecessary.

 

If he misbehaved in class, I can see keeping him out of class. I can't see limiting his outings with all his friends because one time he lost control and then lied about it. I would prefer to sit in class with him for a few session.

 

Lying is really big with me and I would be displeased, but it just seems like a real "scorched earth" response to being upset about the embarrassment you naturally feel and the anger at being lied to.

[Joanne]

I have refrained from any punishment beyond #2 until I have had a couple days to think about it.

 

I do feel like a 9 yo lying to parents and falsely accusing another kid warrants something beyond an apology. No?

 

9 year old boys act like......9 year old boys.;) In the absence of patterns, out of norm expected immaturity, etc, I'd not attach too much intensity to this. It was a weird, awkward impulse issue. He lied because he was embarassed and scared. Embarassed and scared *are* consequences to his actions.

 

The apologies and the reaction of his peers are enough. Adding more won't make him more mature than 9.:001_smile:

[Caribbean Queen]

If my son was acting wild and crazy and chopping off his hair to impress his classmates, I would take him out of the class. I only allow him to be in classes if he behaves properly. If his siblings were in classes, and he had to wait for them, he could read a book or twiddle his thumbs.

 

 

 

I don't know about #4. It seems a bit much.

[teachermom2834]

I really am taking all the responses to heart. I guess my reaction about taking away outings away from the parents was kind of a "tomato staking" idea of keeping him close to me to parent/ correct immediately. It is not so much as an extreme punishment. I can see that, though.

 

This child has never gotten in this deep before but he does have a pattern of minor infractions- the kind of things that drive me batty and reflect an impulsive/ immature boy. I have rolled with that sort of thing waiting for him to mature but I think I am getting to the end of my rope. The idea behind the "punishments" was admittedly to have a negative consequence to his behavior but it was mostly because I feel that he may need me close to parent/ guide him more.

 

I would love to attend his class with him. In fact I would like to attend all his classes with him so that he could demonstrate to me that he knows how to behave properly. Then, I would let him go back to attending alone. I do have a toddler, though, who I cannot take with me in class. I hate for dh to use his vacation days for this purpose. That may happen though. I adore this kid and yearn for him to "get it together". I want to support him and help him get there, not just yank him out.

 

I appreciate all the suggestions and opinions. I am open to being wrong about this. I'm still not convinced that apologies suffice, but I'm pondering it.

 

Thanks,

Marie

[babysparkler]

I don't believe that it is necessarily important what the consequence is... what is most important is shaping him to learn from this mistake, and depending on the child, a punishment may not be the best route to take.

 

If it were my son, I would definitely do the apologies, but instead of a consequence, what I would focus on most is spending a good amount of time talking through the situation with him: discussing in a very forgiving and understanding tone, and asking him why he made up the blame story/why he didn't feel he could tell me the truth, what ways he could have handled it better, etc. I don't know what your son is like, but my son is very introspective and would learn more from this than from a consequence. And my focus would be on helping him to know that lying is not the best decision in the future and that he should always tell me the truth, being careful to show him that I love him even when I don't love his actions or mistakes. Now, if he were to make that mistake again and told a lie again in the future, than I certainly would add a pretty serious consequence at that point.