s/o Parents who seem to need their children to always be right...

[gamommy]

The thread about the woman who repeated accused another child of stealing got me thinking...

 

I am constantly frustrated by other parents who always insist that their child is perfect, right, etc. Perhaps it's unintentional, but don't they realize that in doing so they demonize the children of everyone else around them?

 

I have never felt or insinuated that my own children were always right or perfect, but I feel surrounded by people who seem to feel that way lately. Am I alone in that? I just have trouble relating to folks who seem to see their children unrealistic, rose colored glasses.

 

I honestly believe that I see my own children quite realistically? I have no problem admitting that they have done something wrong. Do you think it's possible to truly be unbiased about your own children or not?

 

One of my SIL's is terrible, since birth her kids have been totally perfect. Everytime we were together and there was an arguement it was always my child's fault.

 

I also had a similar issue as the OP of the other thread where a cousin accused my child of lying repeatedly, when I knew it wasn't true. She saw nothing wrong with calling my child a liar, but refused to even consider that her own son (who had some motivation to lie in this scenario) could possibly not tell her the complete truth. I suggested that both children obviously had different versions of the story and that since we were not there we may never know the truth. I suggested that maybe it was more the fault of the adults present (her and I) for not providing better supervision. She replied back with, "I know the truth. Your daughter did _, because my son said so." :confused:

 

Why can't parents accept that often one child is not completely right or wrong?

 

I experienced this also with parents of my students when I taught in a school setting. I'd come to think that some parents some *need* their child to be right. Perhaps that they can't deal with the idea of them not being perfect?

 

I'm looking for thoughts and insights. How do others deal with this? It's strained several relationships amongst my friends and family.

[Hillary in KS]

Well, my son is always right. It's both difficult and tiring for me to deal with other parents who can't understand that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:D

[Pretty in Pink]

I have no problem admitting when my kids are wrong. I know them well and I know when they are up to something! LOL When there is an issue involving other children I usually go out of my way to make sure my children make amends for hurt feelings even if they did nothing wrong. I have to be careful about this because I'm a people-pleaser and I don't want to rub off on my kids!

[gamommy]

When there is an issue involving other children I usually go out of my way to make sure my children make amends for hurt feelings even if they did nothing wrong. I have to be careful about this because I'm a people-pleaser and I don't want to rub off on my kids!

 

 

Yes, this is my tendancy too. That's why I just don't understand other parents sometimes.

[lionfamily1999]

I wonder if it is not rooted in their own childhood?

 

I am very careful to stand behind my children in public. I give them a chance, privately, to let me know if they're lieing, but publicly... it's my child, my family, and I will do what I think is right.

 

When given a choice, a scenerio where it's he said, she said; I back my child. Imo, that's the right thing to do.

[Sweetpeach]

gamommy, I know what you are getting at in your post. I'm not sure this is the correct approach but here's what I do: Stay Away. Stay Far Away.

 

When I cross paths with parents who can't see that their children sometimes act like children, chances are that they can't receive any conversation about how things played out. I just don't go there with those sorts of parents and furthermore, I don't encourage more than casual visiting between the children.

 

It would be much different with family relationships - we don't have to manage those sorts of dynamics since our family/cousins all live far away.

 

T

[Deidre in GA]

ds 15 is always right - when he agrees with me. this bugs him to no end!

[Susu]

I just find it exhausting and demoralizing to be around people like that. I like down to earth people who have a sense of humor about themselves and their families.

 

I have one darling friend that I love...who is a wonderful mother and person. And her kids are great too (though not perfect, of course). But there is that subtle hint of superiority about her kids and the way she parents that really gets under my skin sometimes. And usually my parenting style or my kid's actions seem to come up short in comparison...at least in her mind. I find my "sense of humor" about my own frailties as a mom and those of my children sometimes seems to provide fodder for this. I am not even sure she is aware of it, and I am just not close enough to her to laughingly say...get a grip Saint Mother! lol She is a bit younger than me too... which makes me smile when I realize how easy it is to feel like you are a paragon until you have been through a couple of teenagers!

 

And the truth is, I am one of those people that are not raising perfect kids! Some folks just seem to raise the outwardly "perfect" homeschooled kids, while the rest of us have kids who use potty humor, tease their siblings, eat junk food, and make noise. But I have two grown sons who are serving in the military and in college on a full scholarship, so the proof is in the pudding!

 

Sadly though, I think you just end up spending less time with people that do this. Finding kindred spirits is hard.

 

Susu

[Jayne J]

I have dealt with similar situations (although not that open and blunt! wow!) and have wondered if the parents who defend their children to the hilt, regardless of the situation, are really more interested in defending themselves and their parenting. I seem to know alot of parents ( and will admit to having been one myself back in the "early years") who feel that their children's behavior is really a reflection of them. If little Johnny is less than perfect/honest/brilliant, it must be because little Johnny's mommy did a bad job. And let's face it, when a kid throws a temper tantrum in the store, no one make snide comments to the kid--it is always we moms who get the evil eye.

 

I eventually realized that no matter how good a mom I was that :

1. I would screw up something and

2. My dc are human, not angels

(and sometimes I have wondered if they were actually animals)

 

But that is just my opinion...

[PiCO]

And let's face it, when a kid throws a temper tantrum in the store, no one make snide comments to the kid--it is always we moms who get the evil eye.

 

Really? I never received or gave an evil eye for a kid throwing a tantrum in public. I got lots of sympathetic looks, and I try to give a "Yeah, we've all been there-done that..." look.

[Jayne J]

Generally, I get the evil eye from childless or older people. You are right--other moms do often give the sympathy face. Thank goodness for the "Been there" face!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

That is an annoying thing to deal with. Fortunately, none of the people with whom I have regular contact are like that. But, one of my sister's friends is like that. My sister can't spend too much time around her. I have no problem recognizing my own or my children's faults! No one is perfect, and it's ridiculous to think that any child would behave perfectly all the time.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Well, it's like this:

 

My kids aren't athletic.

My kids aren't geniuses.

My kids aren't unusually attractive.

 

My kids are well-behaved.

 

Sure, there have been rare exceptions - very rare. So if someone claims either child did something dishonest, malicious, combative or mean, I'm suspicious. It's not impossible, it's just unlikely. Accusations are rare, and almost always indicate that the accuser is confused or unbalanced.

 

Don't get me wrong, we've got our problems. My son is hearing impaired and his words are often not clear. We have to work very hard academically, and nobody is going to hire my kids as models or actors. These two kids' futures rely on hard work and clean living.

 

We aren't cruel in this assessment, but on some level the kids understand their strengths and weaknesses. They try hard to be good.

[Mrs Mungo]

Really? I never received or gave an evil eye for a kid throwing a tantrum in public. I got lots of sympathetic looks, and I try to give a "Yeah, we've all been there-done that..." look.

 

Me too.

[JWSJ]

Really? I never received or gave an evil eye for a kid throwing a tantrum in public. I got lots of sympathetic looks, and I try to give a "Yeah, we've all been there-done that..." look.

 

Really. We live near a few uni campuses. At restaurants, we've actually had college students ask us to move to a booth further away. And our kids weren't even being loud/rude.

 

When a tantrum has happened in a restaurant, we've heard less than clean remarks.

 

When we're near the suburbs, we hear more family friendly comments.

[Night Elf]

I've never dealt with a parent who accused my children of doing something bad, but I have had to deal with the parents who back their children in physically harming my child. There was the time when several boys taunted and pushed my son at a park day in a homeschool group. When I confronted the 2 moms they told that was how boys dealt with each other and I should not baby my son. One of those same boys, on another occasion, slapped my son in the face. The mother explained her son was deaf in one ear and likely misunderstood what my son was saying. When I complained about the physical abuse, she said her 4 boys treated each other like that and her DH was proud of them for growing up tough and strong. I left that group that day and refused to ever be around her children again. Thankfully, over the next couple of months, other moms felt the same way. With my son out of the loop, the boys started picking on other kids.

 

Oh, oh! When those boys called my son a freak, the mom looked at me and said it was likely the truth as my son was so different from the other boys. :001_huh:

[katemary63]

My kids are well-behaved.

 

So if someone claims either child did something dishonest, malicious, combative or mean, I'm suspicious.

 

This is true for me. I have 3 daughters. If anyone had ever come to me and said they had lied, stolen, mouthed off or any other such thing, I would have had a hard time not laughing out loud. I know my girls. I know their hearts and apparently, God has blessed me. I never had a minute of trouble with a single one of them. ( DD8 is young yet, so there's still time, but..so far, so good. :001_smile:) My son, however....is another story. (And this has nothing to do with sex, it's just coincidence I believe.) But he did have behavior issues and disobedience issues and lied often, and if he got into a scuff, I would never have just "believed" him. In public or private. He had a history and that removed the benefit of the doubt I would like to have given him. So, for me, I think you have to know your kid. Those who can't be honest about their own kids are are just harming themselves and the child.

[MistyJ]

Pet peeve: "My child said he/she didn't do it. My child doesn't lie."

 

Well, in my opinion, all kids lie sometimes, even the perfect, Christian ones. I've gotten that line even when I've seen/heard a child do something myself through the window. And the parent is so intent on perfect-never-lying children they challenge my, adult, perception.

 

I don't get it.

[Remudamom]

I back my kids too. Only once has it backfired. Ds, when about 8, came and told me at a ballgame that the bully we were always having trouble with was at it again. Long story short, I ended up almost in a brawl with his mom and dad.

 

More than a year later ds confessed to me that he had lied about the incident. I immediately called the other mom and told her what he said and apologized.

 

I'm still not sorry I backed up my kid though.

[Impish]

We had a severe issue with Diva in soccer this past spring. Some may remember my posting about it.

 

She was being bullied and taunted by a boy on her team.

 

I finally saw his mother attend a game...this after Wolf had told the child to 'respect his teammates' and the child returned to Wolf twice to tell him off.

 

I talked to his mother. In response to, "He told my husband to mind his own business, he wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't HIS daughter involved." The mother replied, "Well, he's right." She went on to tell me that her son NEVER bullied another child 'without cause'. So I guess for her, bullying is ok, as long as her son thinks he has reason to :glare: She was far more upset that my husband DARED speak to her unattended bully child than anything her kid did. She denied it all, despite the shoving etc being witnessed by EVERYONE, including the coach.

 

My kids aren't perfect. I know for a stone cold fact that Diva shot her mouth off at this kid in a tit for tat battle, and thats when it got physical. We weren't on the field with her, and couldn't hear everything that was said, but I know my kid would have dished back if someone was being nasty with her. And yes, that's been addressed, but, to her credit, I had no answer to give her when she demanded what she could do to protect herself when nobody did anything about the other kid to make him stop. Should she just 'suck it up' and be his victim? There's only so much one can be expected to ignore.

*sigh*

I'm thinking long and hard about any more team sports. That's all I can say.

 

Although, I did get a giggle out of the other mother asking if I actually knew my dd. Apparently, this mom is also a hser, and assumes nobody else is, so they couldn't possibly know their children the way she does hers.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Keep your kids in team sports if you possibly can. My kids are too mild, and not even a little competitive. They really hate team sports. To be honest, I have the same issues. This isn't the end of the world, but it's not wonderful either.

 

My husband did team sports, as do most kids. I think it's great socialization. My daughter is in gymnastics, and I'm looking forward to her getting to the team level. My son is in boy scouts, and as soon as he gets through his last operation we're putting him back in soccer.

 

We approach team sports with all the enthusiasm of a tom cat getting a bath, but we know it's good for us. We tough it out. In the long run we get friendships and fun out of it, and we have gotten a tiny bit more positive about team sports.

 

Team sports is a manageable situation to learn to cope with bullies. Everyone's watching, and after the game or practice you get to go home without the little wretches. My son was made miserable by a bully for the entire school day, every school day for nearly a year. He really appreciates that aspect of team sports. The bullies are there, but they're largely held in check and he only has to deal with them for 90 minutes - tops.

Edited August 27, 2009 by Elizabeth Conley

[Impish]

Bullies were a huge part of bringing Diva home. I didn't sign her up and pay for the privilege of her being there just to get more of the same. That's what my heart and brain say.

 

We're looking at martial arts this year. The discipline both mental and physical I think would be good for her. I'll wait and decide about team sports next spring.