Does this seem unfair or like a good way to do things?

[PineFarmMom]

I'm really unable to judge this clearly, as it applies to me, and right now while pg I'm having a hard time judging what is laziness on my part and what is an authentic need for rest, kwim?

 

Dh sat the kids down the other day, of his own accord, and told them that he wants 90% of the chores to be done by THEM, and that due to my age and # of kids and homeschooling and running them to all of their locations, he wants me to have more opportunities to rest. Very sweet of him, I do realize. He is fully looking out for me. I'm just really having a tough time with it. It seems "unfair" to me for me to expect them to do 90% of the household chores while homeschooling, just because I'm pregnant. I mean, THEY didn't pick that I be pregnant. But then, THEY are a part of this family. They do a lot of chores as it is, but not 90%. I don't even know what that percentage would look like, and I'm having a hard time honoring what he said to them and not just doing as I see things that need to be done. It boils down to me wanting to honor him and what he said but really not knowing how to do that while he's gone. Granted, some days I feel crappy enough that the house would not get cleaned at all if they didn't do it. ;) I just don't want them growing up thinking we were slave drivers. Opinions?

 

Teresa

[Jean in Newcastle]

How old are your children? It would be excessive in my opinion to ask children 8 and under to do 90% of the work. It would not be excessive at all to ask teens to do it.

[secular_mom]

If you kids are old enough to do the work, I think that sounds great. Asking them to pitch in and do chores does NOT make you a slave driver. Kids need to be needed, they need to know that they are important members of your family and it helps them to know they contribute and aren't just takers. They may balk at some of the chores, but in the long run I think it's much better to have them doing more chores and knowing that they know HOW to do chores when they leave home, than for you to do everything for them.

Now, if it's more stressful for you to have to tell them to do everything that needs to be done, perhaps you should have a conversation with your husband about this.

Sometimes my DH will 'ground' the kids, but I feel like he's grounding me because *I* am the one who's here and has to enforce the punishment he has dished out (which usually I disagree with because it's not related to their misdeed, or is just a blown out of proportion 'consequence' for their behavior).

[Pamela H in Texas]

I completely agree with Jean :)

 

It really depends on the ages and number of children you have.

 

BTw, most kids who feel their parents were slave drivers are kids who a) don't have all that many chores and b) have attitude issues. VERY VERY VERY few are kids that really were made to do "everything" for no good reason (well, mom's soap operas were on!). Most kids are spoiled and don't have enough chores given to them. They miss out on all the benefits of working in the home.

 

Also, this is a short time. You'll take back over some of the work eventually. Families SHOULD help one another out in times of need regardless of what the need is.

[Tammy]

because they might resent the new baby.... I don't think any child (no matter the age) should have to do 90% of the chores.

[fshinkevich]

I agree it depends on the age, but growing up my sisters and I had to do almost all the household chores while going to school, regardless of my mothers state of health :) My mom did laundry, my dad cooked, and they would do the big things but pretty much everything else was divided up among us. I never felt wronged or anything, I think its fair - they get free roof, food, and a lesson on home maintenance.

 

If you only had one kid it might be too much, but if there are enough of them to divide the chores up, I say enjoy your rest!

[PineFarmMom]

How old are your children? It would be excessive in my opinion to ask children 8 and under to do 90% of the work. It would not be excessive at all to ask teens to do it.

 

The oldest two are 14 and 11. I have a 5yo, but obviously he wasn't part of the full plan. ;) He does chores, but minimally.

 

Teresa

[johnandtinagilbert]

I see it like this, if it were just dh and I, I would have to do a lot less of everything, so I am only teaching them the responsibilities of running a home. It is my job to make them prepared for the real world, which includes daily chores and special projects. At this point, and where your older 2 are, I believe they need a ton of training to learn to do all the things correctly and thoroughly. This means continual practice so they can perfect all it takes.

 

You did all the work when they were little, you've put in your time.

 

On days you fell up to it, you can always work along side them. What a nice time for conversation.

 

I can't imagine this would make them resent the baby. :001_huh:

 

If your dh is stepping in, he must have good reason. Allow him to bless you and lead your family. What a kind, loving and beautiful gesture.

 

I don't know what your portion will entail, but I'd say cooking, home schooling, planning, shopping, driving to activities, managing money, overseeing are still plenty of the percentage and you'll be doing your part.

 

Enjoy this blessing. I don't think you have any reason to feel bad.

[HayesW]

Have you asked your husband what he wants them to do? To him 90% might not be 90%. He might not understand all that you do. Ask him what he wants the children to do. If you have specifics, then that will give you a starting point. Congratulations on the pregnancy!

[Leanna Tomlinson]

I think your husband knows what is best for you. I had two pregnancies where I didn't have a choice and my kids did have to do most of the work. I can see nothing but a benefit from this. It was not forever and my big kids learned a lot of independence during those times.

 

The kids' chores won't really be 90% of what you do; the chores will be 90% of the pure necessities. As a mom your week is full of things that you will just have to lay aside right now rather that have the kids do it. Your kids can probably cook, but you'll be there for instruction and you probably won't expect elaborate meals. Your kids can switch out the laundry, but you can sit on the couch and fold it. They can vacuum and dust....you don't have to.:) They can clean the tubs and toilets, you can do the sink and mirror. You will still be there to do the managing which is often the most exhausting part.

 

Don't feel guilty. A little extra work for the short term will stretch your children and be great training for them. Who knows, you may even let them keep some of their newly aquired chores.;)

 

Get your rest and let your family have the opportunity to bless you the way you have always blessed them.

 

~

Leanna

mom of 7

[PineFarmMom]

I think your husband knows what is best for you.

 

 

This is why I'm in a quandry over it. As much as it can irritate me, he is usually right! ;) He is right 99% of the time when he has put prayer into a matter, and this is one he has prayed over. Honestly, no matter how it worked out, I'd still wind up planning the menu, doing the shopping, and doing the cooking. I'd also continue to help the little boys keep their room cleaned and vacuumed as well as my own. I'd also still be doing the bulk of the laundry. I think dh wants to see the house and kitchen clean when he gets home and he wants to know that it is them that has been doing it and not me.

[PineFarmMom]

 

I can't imagine this would make them resent the baby. :001_huh:

 

 

 

Yeah, I don't see it being an issue with them. They do sometimes resent the 3yo for his messes though. ;)

Edited August 10, 2009 by Texas T

[Rosie_0801]

It's hard to feel rested if you are busy getting your knickers in a twist. Do as your husband tells you and let them do as their father has told them. The issue is between him and them; and doing more chores than usual for 9 months won't kill them. If they end up on a psychologist's couch in their late twenties whinging because they had to wash the dishes every single day while you were pregnant, they are very silly people and your pregnancy couldn't be the cause.

 

Rosie

[Dirtroad]

I am 41 and due in 2 months. My feet are huge, my back hurts, and my iron is gone (so on a supplement). Needless to say, I have a very exhausting & tiring pregnancy.

 

Kids are picking up a good chunk of the slack. It is good for them & helps them learn to have compassion for those "in a bad way". It also helps them learn about what it takes to keep this house running. I wouldn't have so many chores if they (&DH) would put up things when done using OR tidy up at end of day... haha... so they can help out!

 

They unload the dishwasher & occassionally reload. They hang towels & jeans on the clothesline (& bring them in). They can vacuum (occassionally dust). They put away all their laundry & bring down the full hampers. They take care of daily pet feeding & watering. They set & help clear the table... and even help with prep sometimes. DH has talked to them about how much I need more help than usual. It does take alot of energy with school & now all the lessons are resuming. (BTW... they are 10 & 8)

 

They will have to keep helping after baby is born. I do not let them do it all.... I am still cooking meals, loading laundry, folding most of it, usually load dishwasher, etc. I do it for my own self-esteem & it makes us all a team in the family. DH sees it differently but we make it work.

 

If you are very uncomfortable with the idea.... work with DH to reduce the 90%.... that would be my bigger issue... but having them carry more than a normal load is quite acceptible! ;)

[johnandtinagilbert]

Yeah, I don't see it being an issue with them. They do sometimes resent the 3yo for his messes though. ;)

Yeah, I can see that....we have worked through irritation with the then 6yo ds over the past year.

 

Rest up, Momma. You'll need all that energy for a sweet little bundle soon enough!

 

And I know what you mean....my dh is usually right too!

[Danestress]

They are probably doing more like 50%. I doubt your husband when he says "90%" really understand all the things that you actually do. I'm not putting down your DH. My own DH was a single Dad for almost 4 years, but even though he did run the house, I think I probably do many things now he doesn't think about (which is fine - it's my job). So if he generated a list of what he thinks your household chores are, it's probably not including some things. And to me, it seems fine to have kids doing a lot of chores and especially so if you are not feeling well. If they were really actually doing 90% though, I'm not sure I would think that was ideal.

Edited August 11, 2009 by Danestress

[amy g.]

I'm 43 and pregnant. I'm feeling every single year. We all wanted this baby and we are all making sacrifices.

 

I'm taking it easy, because we all want a safe, healthy mother and baby. Dh is not mentioning a word about the house, and the kids are doing a ton to pick up the slack.

 

I think your attitude to the kids makes a huge difference. I can't tell you how many times I have had to tell my oldest, "I feel so horrible, can you please, please do all of your chores, plus my chores AND take care of my spoiled rotten baby?"

 

She has been so great, and I make sure that she hears me telling other people how lucky I am to have her, and how lost I would be if I had to do all of this work alone.

 

I think most kids are happy to help if you let them know you consider it a huge favor, and you really show your appreciation, and they know you really need their help.

 

No one likes to help when it is demanded, and the results are criticized.

 

So I think your attitude could make it a good idea or a not so great one.

[Denisemomof4]

90% of keeping the main living area clean and picked up? I think they should. Who makes most of the messes anyway? ;) Even the 5 year old needs to pick up after himself.

 

With all you said you'd still do, I think they won't be doing nearly 90% of everything, but 90% of daily chores (cleaning up after self, cleaning bathrooms, keeping tidy) I think is fine, especially if dh asked them to. Perhaps things will change when baby comes, or after baby's night time feedings are done.

 

I think it's very sweet of your dh to take this away from you and make sure things are done and you're not run ragged. Very sweet. If you feel it's unfair, though, perhaps negotiate with hubby.