To Army Wives

[homeschoolmom4]

I have noticed that a lot of Army wives are here so I am going to ask a question: Please don't think I am awful until you read all I have to say.

Have any of you stayed behind(at home) and not followed your husband until later? Let me give you some background. My husband joined the Army this year(at the age of 42) Please, Please don't ask me why because I have no idea. He came home and it was done without considering our family or me(his wife). We have been married for 17 years. We have lived here all our lives with our children (ages 16, 11, 10, and 8). He went to boot camp in January, then straight to his AIT at the end of March to present. We see him on weekends(not every but most). The first three months were the most heartbreaking time of my life. We had no phone calls only letters and I completely stopped functioning. Now it's better but we have learned that his next station will be Hawaii. We are torn as a family. My children don't want to leave and we don't know when our house would sell(we can not support two houses). At this time we can't even afford to take our family dog. I am the type of person that finds it hard to step out and get close to people. I know if I stay here I have family and friends that will and have helped out. My oldest is in an Early College Program and if she leaves she will lose all her hard work and have to go to HS and finish with a diploma instead of her two year degree. I just want any advice, but please don't be hurtful. I am new to all of this and at this point it has not been a good experience. We know he will be deployed when he gets to Hawaii and the thoughts of having no family and my husband gone overwhelms me. We even thought of waiting until he comes back to the states and then follow him next. How does all this work? I just need support, advice, direction, etc....

If you prefer to email me that is fine. My email is rinthia@yahoo.com

Remember I am new to this and we have stayed home since he left in Jan. because we were not allowed to go. I have to admit, I admire you Army Wives, I had no idea and my journey hasn't even started.

 

Amy

[Caitilin]

No advice, but lots of:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. I hope that someone has some words of wisdom for you, and that you're able to find peace.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

First, welcome to the world of military families. It can be a wild and crazy ride, with both downs and ups.

 

One question that I might ask is how will you plug in with other military families who can relate to your stresses during the deployment if you choose not to go to where his unit is based? Please read the previous in a tone of voice that isn't critical. I'm not suggesting that it isn't possible, but rather that you may need to put in some extra effort if you choose not to relocate.

 

It is great to have friends and family around to support you. Having to make new friends and being far from family can be one of the real downsides to frequent relocations in the military. On the other hand, being surrounded by other families who don't need long explanations to relate to your emotions and stresses and adding new friends to your stash are some of the advantages.

 

If dh deploys and there is a report of an attack on a unit that might be his, who will be there to step in with support for your family until you know? Who will be there to help you and your kids deal with loneliness, anger, fear and a host of other emotions that are routine during deployments? Again, I'm not suggesting that you won't have support if you stay home, but that you might need to put out real feelers for people to come alongside and give you the type of help that would be very organic in a military community.

 

You would be far from family readiness groups (or whatever term the Army uses), family service centers, military chaplains, the spouses of experienced and senior military members and other old hands. Some of the routine preps for deployment may get missed because no one thinks to tell you (things like powers of attorney, DEERS enrollment, signing up with unit ombudsman or family group, etc). You might want to see what other military centers are near you that could provide guidance and services (ex. Army bases, bases for other parts of the military, reserve centers). You might even want to put the word out to see if some of your IRL friends are former military spouses. Sometimes wise words comes from someone who walked that walk a few decades ago.

 

Of course there are also pluses to being far from the military environment, like staying out of the fishbowl environment and having more of a buffer against some rumors.

 

BTW, I'm not sure if your dd is homeschooled or doing the Early College Program through a public school. Hawaii does not recognize homeschool credits at the high school level. This might need to weigh in your considerations.

 

One last thought is that it sounds like there are some wounds related to becoming a military family. Put the work into healing these now. Distance and deployment put even more stress on families.

 

Ask anything else you think of. I'll answer if I can. There are lots of other military wives here (including several in Hawaii).

 

PS. We're overseas, so I tend to post in the middle of the night US time. Lots of the board night owls are military overseas.

[nukeswife]

I'm not an Army wife but a Navy one so I know where you're coming from to a certain extent.

 

I would have to say that if you know he'll be leaving shortly after getting to Hawaii then I'd not go.

 

My dh has been in for 14 years now and although we've gone most times (he was in before I met and married him so that's a bit different) but there was an instance in 2004 where we were in RI and his next ship was in WA, but 4.5 months after getting there it was leaving for a 6 month around the world deployment and not returning to WA. It was going to end it's deployment in VA because the ship was going in for refueling and would be there for much longer than DH would have been stationed on it. So the kids and I moved from RI to WI where my family was and dh went to WA. That was April 2004. WE saw him for 1 week in May when he came through from RI, 2 weeks in July and 1 week in Oct (we ended up getting pregnant with #3 that week) and then didn't see him again until the July 2005 a week after I gave birth to our 3rd child. So it was a long time apart but in the long run even though I hated be apart from him it was the best situation for our family, especially since I ended up being pregnant for a good chunk of it. I had my parents near by to help when I needed to go to Dr. appointments and things like that.

 

If you stay behind it will be hard emotionally at times but it will also be fine, you'll still receive any housing allowance he would have gotten for his duty station, his check will be direct deposited and the like. Once he knows where he'll end up next you can just meet him there. There will be some paperwork for the move and the actual move which may require a bit more time than if you were at his duty station with him, but it's not that much harder, just a few extra phone calls usually.

 

If you have any other questions fire away. If you ever want to email me my email is fawkes.academy@gmail.com Like I said we're Navy so that is a bit different but there's still alot that is the same.

[5KidzRUs]

We have been following dh around the world for 19 years now.

The way the military is now, seems like deployments are inevitable - my dh has deployed 6 times ... so far.

Maybe you can 'graduate' your daughter and start her in college when you get to Hawaii? Many Community College course are not much harder than high school courses.

You will have the chance to see some beautiful places - Hopefully they will bring back wonderful memories in the years to come.

I think that no matter what you decide - you need to stay positive and make the best of any place you are (or are not) stationed.

You will probably have to make this decision many more times before he retires or leaves the service. Weigh the positive and the negative and keep an open mind on all the wonderful adventures that are waiting for you! :grouphug:

[Aggie]

:grouphug:

 

Kel and Sebastian both have good points! Esp the wild and crazy ride! LOL Having been a navy wife, here's my 2 cents. ;)

 

There can be a real sense of community among a ship/boat/unit 's families. Picnics, field trips, etc, esp when there is a deployment. Or there can be a real disconnect, depending on where families are living. We always seemed to live far away from the rest of the families, so support in that sense was limited.

 

I was/am very close to my (birth) family. No one could support and help like they can! But...they never really got how difficult deployments were, because none of them had experienced it. How is your family dealing with your separation now? Are they sympathetic? Or are they telling you to suck it up?

 

Are you 40? Many men retire by 45, so you will be among the oldest women in your social circle on base.

 

Another thing to consider is what an adventure Hawaii could be! It is beautiful, though warm ;), and most people I've known who were stationed there really enjoyed it. Rent your house out, have a friend foster your dog, and go on a family adventure! (BTW, we had a property manager take care of our house while we moved...it worked out very well!) You might discover that you really like new things and new people when given the opportunity!

 

Does your dh know how long his deployment will be? Will he be deployed for most of his time there? Or the first year? Will you be eligible for base housing?

 

Does your dh have a preference to where y'all live while he's stationed in Hawaii?

 

I agree with Sebastian about healing wounds. Do what you can to strengthen your marriage and your family! :)

:grouphug:

[TulaneMama]

just a quick response and I can come back but we go where he goes - no questions asked. In fact, we are where we are now for only about 9mo and then we move again. I have a good friend who also HS that is stationed in HI right now. I am sure she would love to connect with you and answer any and all questions you might have. They are in the Army.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

The first three months were the most heartbreaking time of my life. We had no phone calls only letters and I completely stopped functioning.

 

:grouphug: Separations are very tough times, especially in your situation. Sadly, you get used to them. I run on pride and the knowledge that my husband is an American hero. I can look my kids in the eye and tell them that what their Daddy does for this country is truly heroic.

 

Now it's better but we have learned that his next station will be Hawaii. We are torn as a family. My children don't want to leave and we don't know when our house would sell(we can not support two houses). At this time we can't even afford to take our family dog.

 

Well, your poor kids. Honestly, most kids are born into this life and never know any different until their parent gets out. Your kids were probably as surprised by this as you were, if not more. If your husband stays in barracks, he should be considered a "geographical bachelor." You would then get BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) for the place you're currently residing. Look here for the rate for your area. This is on top of his basic pay and is not taxable. (All allowances are non-taxable and all pay is, except when you're deployed.) If you do decide to move with your husband, the Army will pay for the move and give you extra money to pay for the move (called a disclocation allowance--starts at @$1800 and increases with rank). However, do be aware that Hawaii has some pretty serious quarantine time for animals so look into it. Is it possible for your husband to request another duty assignment instead of Hawaii? I would ask this of him, at the very least.

 

I am the type of person that finds it hard to step out and get close to people. I know if I stay here I have family and friends that will and have helped out. My oldest is in an Early College Program and if she leaves she will lose all her hard work and have to go to HS and finish with a diploma instead of her two year degree.

 

Honestly, this is the one place where I would probably make the choice to stay put. It's not fair to your oldest child to have this sprung on her. You know your situation best and, frankly, I can't imagine being in such a tough situation that wasn't of my own making. I do think you have to respect and honor the needs of all your family members. That means some serious discussions with your kids and your husband. What is his opinion? Does he want you guys to go? How quickly after he gets to Hawaii would he be deployed? If it's a couple of months, I can't imagine making the move in your situation. If it's significantly longer, that's a tougher call because time separated is just terribly difficult. DH and I have always said that we will not be apart whenever we have the power to prevent it. We just finished up a 15 month deployment in January and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. Either decision is going to be very tough for you. :grouphug:

 

If I were in your situation, I probably wouldn't go now. I would let oldest finish her program and graduate while your husband is deployed. If she has longer to go than the length of his deployment (did she just start, right in the middle, at the end?), then I would rethink it all after a serious discussion with her.

 

As Sebastian said, it is a consideration to have all the resources of the Army available to you if something goes wrong. However, if the worst happens, do know that Army people will show up at your door to offer support and assistance. No, you won't have the FRG (Family Readiness Group) at your door to talk you through a tough time after rumors fly or a news report makes you scared BUT, as you said, you will have family and friends you've made over a lifetime to lend a hand. My biggest question for any of my friends who have had to decide whether to move to the new base alone is this: Do you, right this minute, have someone you could call to help you if you have to rush one of your kids to the ER? Because you have to have that, you know?

 

Also know that there is a big list of things your husband will have to do before he leaves. If he's been in 6 months already, he should have already signed you up with DEERS and you should already be enrolled in Tricare for health and United Concordia for dental. Has he done this? Also, make sure he maxes out his life insurance choice. You should automatically be insured for $100,000 and each child for $10,000. You need wills. Both of you. The Army will do them for free but without you there with him, yours won't get done. Are you near a base? They'll do one for you at JAG (Judge Advocate General's office). You need to clearly discuss all issues related to wills with your husband before he leaves. You need to be absolutely sure to get him to do a General Power of Attorney for you so that you can take care of all business on his behalf.

 

One last thought is that it sounds like there are some wounds related to becoming a military family. Put the work into healing these now. Distance and deployment put even more stress on families.

 

Yes, this was the first thing I thought. You say he did it without considering you. Did you discuss it at all? Because, wow...what a life change for an unwilling participant. It's a hard enough life for someone who knew what they were signing up for. First thing is you need to have a good old-fashioned pity party for yourself...a really good cry (or ten), some good ice cream and a really good night's sleep. (Crying makes me so very sleepy.) Then you need to pull yourself out of it and, as I tell the kids, "man up," because however you got into this situation, you're in it and it's hard.

 

It's also extraordinarily honorable, exciting, awe-inspiring and humbling. I personally love and loathe this life all at once. To be honest, I feel the flag flies a little higher for me and my kids. I get weepy when I hear the National Anthem and my hand goes over my heart and I just truly feel it with my whole being. Your husband is joining a rich history of those who have sacrificed their own comfort and safety for the people of this nation. Stand proud! (Again, it's easier after a good cry...can't emphasize that enough.)

 

:grouphug:

Edited August 7, 2009 by Alte Veste Academy

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

we go where he goes - no questions asked. In fact, we are where we are now for only about 9mo and then we move again.

 

This is how we operate as well. However, I'm an old experienced lady at this point and I signed up for it in the first place, while the OP is in a very difficult situation as it seems the whole thing was sprung on her without her knowledge or input. I'm wondering if there is more to the story (a layoff? unhappiness or instability of current job?) but don't want to speculate...although I guess I just did. :D

 

I will also add that with my littles, it's easy for me to say I'll go anywhere anytime. My parents felt the same way until my dad was due to PCS the summer before my sister's senior year in high school. My sister, my sweet, shy sister had attended this high school for two years and had just finally started making friends. She was so happy. To have the rug pulled out from under her at that time would have been disastrous for her. My mom was fully prepared to stay behind with my sister and me so she could have a good senior year and graduate with her friends. Luckily, my dad got his orders changed. My point is that we (DH and I) are not the only ones in this family. Yes, we are in charge but we also have to take into consideration the needs and welfare of each individual child. I hope I never have to make a choice to stay behind but if I am faced with a choice like this, I would need to be able to say that I treated every family member with respect and consideration for their feelings.

 

To the OP, some more thoughts for when you're ready to look on the bright side. The Army is about as secure a job as you could ever hope to have and the benefits are enormous. My favorite thing is the free health care. When I need to take my babies to the ER, the only thing running through my mind is their health, no worries about cost whatsoever. That's priceless. Literally. We pay a big ol' zero for health care.

 

Also, although this is a challenge for your kids, especially your oldest, this is also a wonderful opportunity for them. Obviously they need time to digest it. However, I would like to gently remind you that your reaction and words are, in all probability, going to guide their reactions. As dizzy as you must be, do try to present these impending changes as positively as you can. Your kids will have the opportunity to see the world and be part of a cause greater than themselves. Again, I'm an Army brat myself and I have enormous pride in my family's military service.

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

I am an AF wife. However, I was AF myself for 11 years before I was promoted to Mom, so I really knew what I was getting into. We have many Army friends and my husband is an Army brat.

 

From what friends who are stationed in Hawaii say, the public schools are not stellar there and private schools are very expensive, you and your older children might be able to make some good money tutoring! (Tutoring either public school students or helping someone homeschool who isn't ready to do it all on their own, can afford some $ for tutoring but not the crazy $ for private schools there.)

 

Also, as others have said, military communities are very close, it's a good alternate network to friends and family, and it should be easy to convince friends and family that they need to visit you in Hawaii! It's easy to make friends in the military quickly, they are all used to frequent moves and are willing to get close soon...if you mention that you've just joined, you should get a lot of sympathy and helpful advice. Overseas, the military community is even closer than in the States.

 

Part of the reason we homeschool is so that we have the flexibility to follow my husband wherever he goes, which sometimes includes nice trips!

 

However, deployments are rough, and they are generally longer in the Army than the AF, although the AF is getting more and more long deployments.

 

I have known several families where the spouse has elected to stay behind to finish school, usually just for a few months, but up to a year if a child is in the last year of high school, that is a really tough time to move.

Edited August 7, 2009 by ElizabethB

[Mary in NJ]

I have not read the other replies, but here is my advice:

 

We always go with my husband as he PCS's (permanent change of station), because the military has plenty of times when your husband will be away from you. Everybody in the Army wants to go to Hawaii, it is expensive, but you can live on post. Shop at the commissary, enjoy your tour of duty!

[cupajoe]

Our family has been through several LONG deployments and many, many short ones. I’ve almost always chosen to support my husband by remaining at our duty station and serving our unit and spouses in any way possible. However, if I were in your particular situation, I would not move to Hawaii just yet. If you know *for sure* your husband will be deploying shortly after reporting to the duty station, your best bet would be to stay behind IMO.

 

Yes, there are support networks in place within each military unit (FRG, chaplains, rear detachment personnel, etc.), but none of these can come close to the support you will receive from your own family (if they are nearby), and the comfort of familiar surroundings.

 

There are ways to become attuned to the goings on of the unit without actually being there. Do be sure that your contact information (email address, phone number, etc) is listed with your unit’s FRG. Most information is disseminated through email these days, so you will receive all pertinent emails as they are transmitted. Also, feel free to phone your FRG leader and introduce yourself. Explain your particular situation in whatever level of detail you feel comfortable. Let her know of your desire to remain informed throughout the deployment. If you are assigned to a particular “key callerâ€, call her as well and introduce yourself. Feel free to call her from time to time throughout the deployment just to touch base. The FRG is there to keep you informed.

 

Another thing to consider, it will be financially beneficial for you to remain where you are at this time. The BAH (housing allowance) for Hawaii is extremely high relative to other CONUS locations. You get the BAH for Hawaii no matter where YOU choose to live, since that is your husband’s duty station. Depending on where you currently live, you have the potential to pocket a large housing allowance each month (if your cost of living is low relative to Hawaii), whereas it would be completely forfeited if you live on post in Hawaii, and would definitely be depleted if you rented (BAH rarely covers rent and utilities in Hawaii).

 

It is important to realize, as long as your household goods are not packed and moved to Hawaii during your husband’s PCS, you will be eligible to have them moved upon his return. This is not a “now or never†decision. You can choose to move after the deployment.

 

The most important thing to remember is that no matter what decision you make, it is OK. Do not feel pressured to suffer through a deployment away from the only support you currently know just to get that authentic I’m-a-military-wife-so-I-have-to-be-strong-and-suffer-through-this experience. So many spouses think they MUST stay behind because that’s what is expected. The only thing that is truly expected is that you do whatever is best for your family, and your particular situation.

 

Best of luck in whatever decision you make, and welcome to the Army!

Erika

[cupajoe]

If your husband stays in barracks, he should be considered a "geographical bachelor." You would then get BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) for the place you're currently residing. Look here for the rate for your area.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is true, if your husband is PCSing and you do not plan on joining him during the length of the tour in Hawaii. Since your husband is deploying shortly after arriving in Hawaii, I would suggest he not move into barracks, but rather rent an apartment month-to-month until he deploys. This would allow him to draw BAH for Hawaii (which he is entitled to). Unless you do not plan to move to Hawaii ever, there is no benefit to him being considered a geographic bachelor, since BAH is very high in Hawaii. Your family would be losing money over the long run, since he will be deploying. BAH is tied to the service member's duty station. This is a plus for you in this situation.

 

Erika

[TraceyS/FL]

:grouphug:

 

Your husband is a hero, thank him for that.

 

You are a hero to me, this can't be easy at all. Thank YOU for that.

 

I don't have any advice - other than if you went to Hawaii you could probably meet Mrs. Mungo :D LOL!!!

 

BUT, for the reasons Erika outlined above, i'd choose to stay behind at this time (if the deployment was going to happen within a few months). The support you have of your long term family & friends will be comforting to you right now, sooner than your new family will be in time. Although it could be healing to immerse yourself now, i'm not sure that an island is the place to do it. It wouldn't be easy nor cheap to escape to see your family back "home".

 

Would there be a way to go visit him and send him off?

 

And i have a friend that stayed with family off base the first deployment, and on base the 2nd. Hopefully she will check in and share her thoughts with you.

 

More :grouphug: to you and your family.

[homeschoolmom4]

Good Morning to all,

When I sent this message last night I was nervous. I didn't want anyone to think I was being a "awful" military wife by even considering not going. I went to bed and first thing this morning got on to see what came through. After reading and crying, crying and reading I feel a little better. I want to answer your questions but be patient. I don't know if I have figured out the quote thingy, LOL! I might have several posts. Let me see how much I can remember than I will go back and fill in.

One question was age-I am 35. My oldest(16) is in the Early College Program in NC. It is designed to let a child from 9th grade to 12th plus one extra year obtain their high school Diploma and a 2 year associate degree. This will be her third year, but she has worked double and can finished by this time next year. By working two summers(this one she already did and next) she will have finished. We always have told our children to take pride in their work and to work hard and she has put forth every effort and more. She is a great daughter. She has not complained(maybe a little) but in the end has said that she will go if we have to. It breaks my heart to see her work so hard to have to go backwards. That is one reason she did a full load this summer was in hopes of us staying she could finish quickly and move with us. At her age, I am not willing to let go of her. She still needs to grow into adulthood. Our other three children we homeschool. I did research and found co-ops and people in Hawaii that homeschool. I am now going to go back through the postings and answer questions.

 

Amy

[Renthead Mommy]

We're AF. My husband left private practice to join the AF. My son just turned 7, and this is his 5th house. My husband was gone for the month of May for OTS. He came home and we moved in June. He deployed in October. We had a whopping 4 months in the military at that point. Being medical, it was just him and one other person going out, not a whole unit. So there were no deployed spouses events or unit things to attend.

 

All that said, I'd say move with him. You'll be living with people who 'get' you and what you are living with and going through. It will be eaiser to use all the 'benifits' of military life (housing, commissary, BX, healtcare, social network). Plus you'll have help if you need it.

 

This is a very important point IF YOU NEED HELP WITH SOMETHING, ASK FOR IT! People will be coming out of the woodwork to help you, (and it is the job of some people to make sure you get the help you need) but they need to know what you need. Don't play a martyr. Tell people you are new. Tell people you don't understand what they are talking about when they speak in an alphabet of acronyms. Tell people what you need, even if it means you end up saying "I just don't know what to do or what I need right now!" Other wives will understand, and they'll usually have an idea of what you need.

 

Family is good, but they live in a different world. I'd try and tell my mother something, and she'd brush it off, just because she just didn't GET it.

 

I don't know what to tell you about your daughter. I don't know anything about the program she is in or high school info in Hawaii. Can she do community college instead?

 

Yes she may be getting a little screwed over with this. However I'm sure your husband decided this was what was in the best interest for your entire family. Everybody ends up making sacrifices. But then that is part of being a family.

 

Good luck.

[ConnieB]

Travelling as a military family has given our children (ok, and us adults) some of the most wonderful memories, and opened our eyes to other cultures. As a homeschooling family it is a dream come true.

 

Then of course there is the downside....the separation, the constant worry. And, as you have experienced already, the inability to communicate with your husband quite a bit of the time. I often jibe that the military is his mistress, lol. Thankfully it's the kind that you can learn to live with. In time.

 

I think the real problem for you is that you have some justified anger over his unilateral decision to join the military without consulting you, and the resulting upheaval of the lives of you and the children. I recommend that you contact Family Services at the base nearest you to request counseling to help you come to terms with that.

 

As for the question of following him......as I said in my opening paragraph it's been wonderful for us, when it was possible to follow him. But when we weren't able to go with him then we always had our home to return to and await his return. It was our rock. We had family, friends and the support of the military base. We had familiar territory to go about our lives. Much as I love being in new places, there is a lot of comfort in knowing exactly where everything is.....and I know other military wives may understand while the general public might not....but somehow having my spouse in the same new place made it easier to accept not knowing where things were. Even when he was off working and the kids and were getting lost around town, I felt safe. But the few times we chose to stay while he was deployed elsewhere, it didn't always feel so safe. The only reason I can come up with is that he was nearby if I needed him.

 

It sounds like following him may not be in the best interest of your family. And...since you say that he's going to be deployed from Hawaii, it also sounds like you'd end up being alone there (as you didn't indicate his deployment would be somewhere you would follow). In that case, I'd stay home where you have the support and familiarity that is important to you and the children. Many a family, including non-military, have chosen to separate temporarily for the good of part of the family. We have quite a few WTM board members who have spoken of DH's moving to a new state for a job and the wife and children staying behind. Often that is, of course, to wrap up life in the old town....finishing a season for sports or other extra curriculuar activities (like your daughter's college), or to sell a house....and sometimes waiting to see if the new job would actually work out before uprooting everyone and moving. There is little sense in your living in Hawaii while he's deployed somewhere else that you can't follow. Being in Hawaii isn't going to mean you are with him....and instead you will then be without him and without everything/everyone else in your support line. That benefits no one.

 

Yes, it will be difficult to be apart......and honestly you will both need to work to make the communications that you do have meaningful. You have the added burden of anger towards his decision, but even solid marriages need to work to make sure the separation does not pull you apart. If at all possible, get some couples counseling before you leave, so that you can begin to work through the anger but also on ways to make the relationship stronger before he leaves. Be sure that it's either a base counselor, or if a non-military one that they are well versed in the special stresses of military marriages. What you will be encountering is NOT the same as non-military couples.

 

My DH and I have often discussed that when/if the kids are ever involved in something that requires them to stay put at home, then we'll deal with that at the time. We're both aware that this eventuality may mean we stop travelling with him for a while, but we also see this as only another form of the separation that we have grown sadly accustomed to. Of course we'd love for separations not to be necessary, but they are for the life we've chosen, and se we accept that and try not to gripe on it too often. Your circumstances may may this a more difficult acceptance, but it is one that you must, for your own sanity, work towards.

 

 

One thing I do want to say, in case you do decide to go......I nearly didn't marry DH because he was in the military and I was positive that I could not handle constantly moving. I was sure that I would be incredibly lonely while he was away, because I wouldn't have any friends. The friends I had around me at that time had been friends for years and years. The thought of trying to build that up with others was almost enough to make me chuck the love I had for DH. Thankfully, one of those dear friends that I'd had forever realized why I turned down his proposal......and called me on it. So, long story, but I basically followed him for almost a year.....because we weren't married I couldn't live with him on base, so we lived off base. It was difficult at first but I was allowed on base so I got to know some of the other wives. And they accepted me despite my reservations and non-marital status. And I discovered that it WAS possible to make meaningful relationships in a short time....especially when you had the very emotional bond of worrying about your loved one. Not a perfect path to friendship, but it works, and I have to say that some of those women I may not have seen in a decade, but I can (and have) called them on a whim and our bond is still there. I guess this is my long winded way of saying that you may be surprised to find that you too can make friendships under the new circumstances of your life. I still suggest that you not go, at this time, but I wanted you to know my experience just in case you do decide to go. And hey, I'll bet that between all the miltiary wives on this base we know a few that are stationed in Hawaii.....perhaps we could help with introductions. I wonder what the chances are that a WTM board member is in Hawaii?

[Renthead Mommy]

One question was age-I am 35. My oldest(16) is in the Early College Program in NC. It is designed to let a child from 9th grade to 12th plus one extra year obtain their high school Diploma and a 2 year associate degree. This will be her third year, but she has worked double and can finished by this time next year. By working two summers(this one she already did and next) she will have finished. We always have told our children to take pride in their work and to work hard and she has put forth every effort and more. She is a great daughter. She has not complained(maybe a little) but in the end has said that she will go if we have to. It breaks my heart to see her work so hard to have to go backwards. That is one reason she did a full load this summer was in hopes of us staying she could finish quickly and move with us. At her age, I am not willing to let go of her. She still needs to grow into adulthood. Our other three children we homeschool. I did research and found co-ops and people in Hawaii that homeschool. I am now going to go back through the postings and answer questions.

 

Amy

 

Can she stay with Grandparents and finish? What would she do after this program? Go off to college?

[Danestress]

Don't feel like I am asking you to answer this here on the board, but one consideration is the status of your marriage. Do you have any feeling that your husband is not fully committed to your marriage? I'm not implying that he isn't, but just asking. When you say that he made this decision without discussing it with you, is that just how your marriage is? Or is that unusual?

 

Anyway, if you are in anyway fearful about that, I would explore with an attorney how moving might affect you if your husband were to be edging out of marriage. For example, if you move to Hawaii, will Hawaii will have jurisdiction if there were disputes over custody and financial settlements?

 

I'm just thinking here. My husband served for 20 years in the Corp and I want you to give your husband a huge hug and THANK HIM for serving his country. But I also just wanted to mention that and hope you take it in the spirit in which it was intended. I truly mean no offense and hope that this isn't even on the radar.

 

Anyway, as for following an active duty husband around, I really think you have to make the decision that is best for you and your family, and there are probably hundreds of considerations that only you can really know about. You know your kids, you know your circumstances, you know how your husband might feel about your going or not going. It actually might be less stress for him if you don't move, but that will depend on his personality and other factors. What does he say about all of this?

 

Is there something like a family services office that is available to you?

 

My husband retired when my oldest was about the age that your oldest is, so we didn't have to do high school active duty. Even though I think in theory that your marriage has to be the highest priority in your family planning, in practice, I would certainly consider a decision that would be hard maritally (living far apart for a while) if it were clearly best for our children.

 

God bless you. Being a military wife was really hard but there are things I miss about it and for all the hard parts, there were some really neat things about it.

[homeschoolmom4]

One question that I might ask is how will you plug in with other military families who can relate to your stresses during the deployment if you choose not to go to where his unit is based?

 

You are not asking a question I haven't thought of. I guess when I think of this I want people around me to help and pray. The community I am in right now has reached out like I never knew they could. I have friends with family in military that went as far as calling and asking questions. The stories I could tell with that. I think the comfort of family and friends that know me helps a little more. My mom is my best friend and just to be able to go to her house curl up on the sofa, have her cook my favorite meal, and pray with me is more than anyone could give. Sometimes she knows me better than I know myself. There have even been times I try to shut myself up, not answer the phone, and she is at my door telling me this is not way to behave but to take my strength and see the good in this. I am afraid that is one thing I will not have in Hawaii. It will not be easy if even affordable to get on a plane and fly back and forth. She has offered to come down if we go but that will be minimal. She just told me a few weeks ago she has already started saving. She is such a part of my children's life, I didn't have grandparents growing up and I missed that and I just want my children to have this.

 

 

If dh deploys and there is a report of an attack on a unit that might be his, who will be there to step in with support for your family until you know? Who will be there to help you and your kids deal with loneliness, anger, fear and a host of other emotions that are routine during deployments? Again, I'm not suggesting that you won't have support if you stay home, but that you might need to put out real feelers for people to come alongside and give you the type of help that would be very organic in a military community.

 

 

Oh, this has crossed my mind also and honestly I don't know.

 

 

You would be far from family readiness groups (or whatever term the Army uses), family service centers, military chaplains, the spouses of experienced and senior military members and other old hands. Some of the routine preps for deployment may get missed because no one thinks to tell you (things like powers of attorney, DEERS enrollment, signing up with unit ombudsman or family group, etc). You might want to see what other military centers are near you that could provide guidance and services (ex. Army bases, bases for other parts of the military, reserve centers). You might even want to put the word out to see if some of your IRL friends are former military spouses. Sometimes wise words comes from someone who walked that walk a few decades ago.

 

 

My husband did our DEERS enrollment, and I did the dental insurance. I do have a cousin who is retired military that has told me to call for anything. I have reached out some but at an actual base no. Where he is at right now, they aren't very friendly. I don't deal well with that and I know not every base is like that. This is something to think about and weigh for sure. Thanks for bringing this all to the front. Sometimes, I only think of the now and not the long run.

[homeschoolmom4]

Don't feel like I am asking you to answer this here on the board, but one consideration is the status of your marriage. Do you have any feeling that your husband is not fully committed to your marriage? I'm not implying that he isn't, but just asking. When you say that he made this decision without discussing it with you, is that just how your marriage is? Or is that unusual?

 

 

He has always been like this. He will decide this is what he wants to do and do it. Not to be ugly but I tend to call him selfish in the sense that I believe a husband and wife need to discuss and decide as a unit. I have always been able to cope with what he does but this one affected more than just me this time and I guess that is why I am so angry with him. If he had brought it up and we had decided to do this as a family I believe I would of been able to go where ever with him, but to come home one day and be told I joined to Army and no turning back just floored me. He is so active in his daughters lives that I just couldn't imagine what he was thinking. To be honest, now our marriage is better. I think the time apart has helped.

 

 

Anyway, as for following an active duty husband around, I really think you have to make the decision that is best for you and your family, and there are probably hundreds of considerations that only you can really know about. You know your kids, you know your circumstances, you know how your husband might feel about your going or not going. It actually might be less stress for him if you don't move, but that will depend on his personality and other factors. What does he say about all of this?

 

 

I think, if I were in Hawaii and he deployed he would constantly worry about things. In his training they constantly showed them clips of wives cheating and not staying faithful that tore him up. I honestly don't know why they do that in boot camp unless it's just to torture them. My husband is a jealous person. He even gets upset if the guys in his barracks want to look at his family pics. He has always been like this. I tell him time and time again he worries for nothing. I am a faithful wife that loves her husband way too much. What makes this so hard is that he is telling me I am the one to decide and I need to do that. I think we need to sit down and decide this together. Weigh it all out and decide. This is one reason I am so tore.

[Barb_]

I have noticed that a lot of Army wives are here so I am going to ask a question: Please don't think I am awful until you read all I have to say.

Have any of you stayed behind(at home) and not followed your husband until later? Let me give you some background. My husband joined the Army this year(at the age of 42) Please, Please don't ask me why because I have no idea. He came home and it was done without considering our family or me(his wife). We have been married for 17 years. We have lived here all our lives with our children (ages 16, 11, 10, and 8). He went to boot camp in January, then straight to his AIT at the end of March to present. We see him on weekends(not every but most). The first three months were the most heartbreaking time of my life. We had no phone calls only letters and I completely stopped functioning. Now it's better but we have learned that his next station will be Hawaii. We are torn as a family. My children don't want to leave and we don't know when our house would sell(we can not support two houses). At this time we can't even afford to take our family dog. I am the type of person that finds it hard to step out and get close to people. I know if I stay here I have family and friends that will and have helped out. My oldest is in an Early College Program and if she leaves she will lose all her hard work and have to go to HS and finish with a diploma instead of her two year degree. I just want any advice, but please don't be hurtful. I am new to all of this and at this point it has not been a good experience. We know he will be deployed when he gets to Hawaii and the thoughts of having no family and my husband gone overwhelms me. We even thought of waiting until he comes back to the states and then follow him next. How does all this work? I just need support, advice, direction, etc....

If you prefer to email me that is fine. My email is rinthia@yahoo.com

Remember I am new to this and we have stayed home since he left in Jan. because we were not allowed to go. I have to admit, I admire you Army Wives, I had no idea and my journey hasn't even started.

 

Amy

 

 

Not an army wife, but a corporate wife. We moved 4 times in five years before we got settled in PA. We were there for 3 years when my dh lost his job and moved out to AZ. I stayed behind for a year tying up loose ends. I wanted to be sure I saw all my east coast family and friends before leaving them 2500 mi away. With seven (six at the time) kids, I knew I wasn't going to be traveling that far any time soon. I don't know if you saw my other post, but now more than half my family has cancer and I have no regrets taking my time getting out here. It was what I needed to do at the time. Take care of today and tomorrow will come when it gets here.

 

Barb

[homeschoolmom4]

Can she stay with Grandparents and finish? What would she do after this program? Go off to college?

 

 

Actually, My Mom and I have talked about this. My Mom said she would love to have her but in her heart she believes a grandmother is not a mother. I see where she is coming from. I honestly don't feel like I am done raising her. After she finishes she wants to take a year or semester off. She has had no breaks with going during summers and at 17 I don't think I want to send her away to college to work on her four year degree quite yet. She wants to travel with us, study colleges and then go, which I am perfectly fine with because two years of her college is finished. She tends to map out her life, LOL!

[TXMomof4]

When I first read your post I thought you were planning on staying through the 3 years he was at that duty station. I would have argued against that whole-heartedly. BUT - If it's just a year so your daughter can finish her program and he will be deployed I would say stay put.

 

My dh is National Guard, so we don't have the normal support system that regular army has. His unit deploys out of another city and the FRG is based there so we can't attend all of the meetings etc. Plus, it's not terribly well organized. All of these women have lives very much outside the military and those don't stop just because their spouse is gone.

 

However, we've been in Dallas for 15 years and we have a wonderful church family and my family is relatively close. The men in my bible class have done my yardwork, we have surrogates who take my kids to father/child activities, etc. The support we've received has been tremendous. But sometimes they just don't get it.

 

It is hard. At about 5:00 they are all getting ready for family dinners and going to do family things together and my kids and I are alone. My best friend before dh joined and I have grown pretty far apart because there isn't much sympathy from her. My dh joined the military, I get to deal with his being gone is her perspective. I'm not a whiner, but there are times I just want to cry because it is very overwhelming. My kids are great and really have been troopers, but some days are just SO HARD and their friends don't *get* that their dad is gone. DH has been gone for 34 of the last 49 months. That's a whole long time to be apart, but we did make this decision and we do get to live with it - good and bad.

 

All that to say, if you can continue your 'normal' life for the next year and then join him when he returns from his deployment I would suggest that's a pretty good decision - as long as your husband agrees. Make sure you talk it through with him. DH has a hard time understanding that life goes on here even when he's gone. The kids still have to do school, we still have obligatons and activities here that have to be continued and sometimes he doesn't understand why the world doesn't stop the second the phone rings.

 

Good luck with your decision. You, your kids and your husband will be in my prayers.

[homeschoolmom4]

I was/am very close to my (birth) family. No one could support and help like they can! But...they never really got how difficult deployments were, because none of them had experienced it. How is your family dealing with your separation now? Are they sympathetic? Or are they telling you to suck it up?

 

 

My family is so supportive! My brother called last night and let me rant and rave, cry and he just listen. That went on for an hour(for a man, I think that's pretty good). In the end he told me he was behind want ever I decided and would help any way possible. My brother has friends in the military and understands that it's a hard thing to leave family and go.

 

 

Are you 40? Many men retire by 45, so you will be among the oldest women in your social circle on base.

 

 

I'm 35.

 

Another thing to consider is what an adventure Hawaii could be! It is beautiful, though warm ;), and most people I've known who were stationed there really enjoyed it. Rent your house out, have a friend foster your dog, and go on a family adventure! (BTW, we had a property manager take care of our house while we moved...it worked out very well!) You might discover that you really like new things and new people when given the opportunity!

 

 

I wish it were this easy. We live in the Historical District so if we rented we would have to make sure no one found out. It isn't allowed unless it was a rental house before they changed it and it wasn't. I have asked some people about our dog even offered to pay and send money for what he needed. No takers yet. Our dog is a mess and very attached to our family. When we went to my husband's graduation, we had someone stay at our house for that week. He didn't eat the whole time and then started turning on the poor girl. She didn't let it bother her but he is awful.

Does your dh know how long his deployment will be? Will he be deployed for most of his time there? Or the first year? Will you be eligible for base housing?

 

 

Maybe if we knew this some of these decision's would be easier to make. He has asked and asked and has got nowhere. It makes me want to scream.

[homeschoolmom4]

just a quick response and I can come back but we go where he goes - no questions asked. In fact, we are where we are now for only about 9mo and then we move again. I have a good friend who also HS that is stationed in HI right now. I am sure she would love to connect with you and answer any and all questions you might have. They are in the Army.[

 

 

Great! You are more than welcomed to give her my email: rinthia@yahoo.com

Amy

[homeschoolmom4]

However, do be aware that Hawaii has some pretty serious quarantine time for animals so look into it. Is it possible for your husband to request another duty assignment instead of Hawaii? I would ask this of him, at the very least.

 

I spent a week researching everything about bringing pets, even down to what to put in the crate to asborb pee, LOL! The cost is unreal. I understand Hawaii is a rabies free state but my goodnes the fees are great.

 

Yes, he could of requested another duty station, but HE didn't want to. I did ask several times. He thinks Hawaii would be a awesome place to live.

Not that I disagree but I think we had more to look at then just an awesome place to live.

 

 

What is his opinion? Does he want you guys to go? How quickly after he gets to Hawaii would he be deployed? If it's a couple of months, I can't imagine making the move in your situation. If it's significantly longer, that's a tougher call because time separated is just terribly difficult.

 

He does want us to go but not if he will be deploying soon. He would rather we wait. I just don't know how to get this information. I would like to stay another year here, let my daughter finish then go. The other children homeschool and theirs is pick up and go.

 

Also know that there is a big list of things your husband will have to do before he leaves. If he's been in 6 months already, he should have already signed you up with DEERS and you should already be enrolled in Tricare for health and United Concordia for dental. Has he done this? Also, make sure he maxes out his life insurance choice. You should automatically be insured for $100,000 and each child for $10,000. You need wills. Both of you. The Army will do them for free but without you there with him, yours won't get done. Are you near a base? They'll do one for you at JAG (Judge Advocate General's office). You need to clearly discuss all issues related to wills with your husband before he leaves. You need to be absolutely sure to get him to do a General Power of Attorney for you so that you can take care of all business on his behalf.

 

 

Yes, DEERS is set up and the dental. He has done the life insurance thing. I a three hours away from him now and can make the drive and do this for the wills. I have asked him to do the Power of Attorney and he hasn't. He is so used to me doing all this kind of stuff that it is like pulling teeth to get him to move unless the Army tells him.

 

 

Yes, this was the first thing I thought. You say he did it without considering you. Did you discuss it at all? Because, wow...what a life change for an unwilling participant. It's a hard enough life for someone who knew what they were signing up for. First thing is you need to have a good old-fashioned pity party for yourself...a really good cry (or ten), some good ice cream and a really good night's sleep. (Crying makes me so very sleepy.) Then you need to pull yourself out of it and, as I tell the kids, "man up," because however you got into this situation, you're in it and it's hard.

 

 

No discussion, went and did it and told me nothing could be changed. Maybe if we had discussed this and made this decision together I would not be feeling like this. It would of been joint. I cry alot, LOL!!!

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

He does want us to go but not if he will be deploying soon. He would rather we wait. I just don't know how to get this information.

 

Does he know what unit he's joining? The rotation schedules for the next year or so have been decided. The Army Times just ran a story with dates. I would highly recommend a subscription.

 

 

I have asked him to do the Power of Attorney and he hasn't. He is so used to me doing all this kind of stuff that it is like pulling teeth to get him to move unless the Army tells him.

 

Well, that's too funny and ironic because if he's used to you doing all this stuff, that's even more reason you need a POA! When he deploys, your hands will be tied without that form.

 

No discussion, went and did it and told me nothing could be changed. Maybe if we had discussed this and made this decision together I would not be feeling like this. It would of been joint. I cry alot, LOL!!!

 

Well, as you have been thrust into this without your knowledge or at least a discussion, you have every right to shed some tears. The fact that your husband joined without discussion and then requested Hawaii against your expressed wishes just blows my mind. Really. Blows my mind. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine that. :grouphug:

[homeschoolmom4]

All your support, suggestions, advice, and hugs have all been very welcomed and greatly appreciated.

Yesterday my good friend help me figure a way to stay for a year and go visit at different times. We found the Army Campground reasonable we would just have to go out of season(that is fine).

There are ways to work this, it's just at times it doesn't seem easy without upsetting someone.

Keep anything you can think of coming. I go get my husband today on a weekend pass and our trip home will be a long, long talk (there is no where for him to hid in the car, LOL!),Kiddos will not be with us so this is the perfect time. He might even regret the weekend pass by the time I am done, LOL!

To answer one more question posted. I knew he wasn't happy at his job. They paid him well but would not hire any people to help him because they liked how he handled everything and thought he could do the job of 4 people. I know that's alot on a person. I knew he was looking for work, I even mailed his applications(which were local or the next town over), but the Army he keep a secret. I love my husband, but like any marriage we have had our ups and downs. I want to do what's best for my family with thinking of everyone. My other girls I believe would cope seeing they are homeschooled. My oldest would cope but with a lose on her side. It's just alot.

Good Advice on finding out what unit he is in and seeing a deployment schedule. I will get on that.

I think having something concrete in front of me will help some of this.

 

Thank you all and I have to say you are an amazing group of women to endure and support your husbands in this way. It makes me look at life different.

 

Amy

[ElizabethB]

All your support, suggestions, advice, and hugs have all been very welcomed and greatly appreciated.

Yesterday my good friend help me figure a way to stay for a year and go visit at different times. We found the Army Campground reasonable we would just have to go out of season(that is fine).

There are ways to work this, it's just at times it doesn't seem easy without upsetting someone.

Keep anything you can think of coming. I go get my husband today on a weekend pass and our trip home will be a long, long talk (there is no where for him to hid in the car, LOL!),Kiddos will not be with us so this is the perfect time. He might even regret the weekend pass by the time I am done, LOL!

To answer one more question posted. I knew he wasn't happy at his job. They paid him well but would not hire any people to help him because they liked how he handled everything and thought he could do the job of 4 people. I know that's alot on a person. I knew he was looking for work, I even mailed his applications(which were local or the next town over), but the Army he keep a secret. I love my husband, but like any marriage we have had our ups and downs. I want to do what's best for my family with thinking of everyone. My other girls I believe would cope seeing they are homeschooled. My oldest would cope but with a lose on her side. It's just alot.

Good Advice on finding out what unit he is in and seeing a deployment schedule. I will get on that.

I think having something concrete in front of me will help some of this.

 

Thank you all and I have to say you are an amazing group of women to endure and support your husbands in this way. It makes me look at life different.

 

Amy

:grouphug:

 

That sounds like a good plan.

 

The reason your husband does not know about the deployment dates may be that the people he's working with now may not know--the unit he'll be working for in Hawaii is the one that will know, and even then, things can change.

 

I never believe anything for sure until I see orders, things change! (Did I mention that things can change?)

 

And, while it's much less frequent, once or twice we've had friends who have had things change once they got orders (both orders to move to a new base and orders to deploy.)

 

There is a Bible verse about not saying what you will do tomorrow because only God knows. People in the military really live that and believe it more than most people. It's a blessing to be able to homeschool and have the flexibility to work around all the changes and moves. (And to be able to visit in the off-season!)

[Annabel Lee]

I have noticed that a lot of Army wives are here so I am going to ask a question: Please don't think I am awful until you read all I have to say.

Have any of you stayed behind(at home) and not followed your husband until later? Let me give you some background. My husband joined the Army this year(at the age of 42) Please, Please don't ask me why because I have no idea. He came home and it was done without considering our family or me(his wife). We have been married for 17 years. We have lived here all our lives with our children (ages 16, 11, 10, and 8). He went to boot camp in January, then straight to his AIT at the end of March to present. We see him on weekends(not every but most). The first three months were the most heartbreaking time of my life. We had no phone calls only letters and I completely stopped functioning. Now it's better but we have learned that his next station will be Hawaii. We are torn as a family. My children don't want to leave and we don't know when our house would sell(we can not support two houses). At this time we can't even afford to take our family dog. I am the type of person that finds it hard to step out and get close to people. I know if I stay here I have family and friends that will and have helped out. My oldest is in an Early College Program and if she leaves she will lose all her hard work and have to go to HS and finish with a diploma instead of her two year degree. I just want any advice, but please don't be hurtful. I am new to all of this and at this point it has not been a good experience. We know he will be deployed when he gets to Hawaii and the thoughts of having no family and my husband gone overwhelms me. We even thought of waiting until he comes back to the states and then follow him next. How does all this work? I just need support, advice, direction, etc....

If you prefer to email me that is fine. My email is rinthia@yahoo.com

Remember I am new to this and we have stayed home since he left in Jan. because we were not allowed to go. I have to admit, I admire you Army Wives, I had no idea and my journey hasn't even started.

 

Amy

 

 

Amy, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:! I was an Army wife for 10 years (dh is out now). I didn't read all 4 pages but you've got some very good advice here. It's going to be a tough decision either way. In your situation, I'd be inclined to stay put until he gets back from deployment for the reasons you cited - that you know you don't make new connections quickly, family & friends are where you are now, your pet, and your dd's two-yr degree. Are you located near a military base where you could connect w/ other military wives? It's not easy, but it's a road many have walked - so you can do this too. It is possible. Just keep telling yourself that - that's what I had to do. PM me if you'd like another email address for another empathetic shoulder to cry on or just an ear to listen to you. :001_smile:

[Christine]

hmmm.

My background. Spent 4 years in Army, married DH (who joined right after me, but we met in the service) in year 1. I got out after 4 and he stayed in.

He just retired (20 years) 8 days ago.

 

We have been in our current locale for 3 years, living "on the economy" (not on post) and this location is very "civilian" and very non-mobile. For that reason, and the fact that I have encountered others who were in the military under similar situations as yourself. . .I've gained an "understanding" of "life" as you see it which was very "foriegn" to me as a military person / dependent.

 

I have not read any other responses.

 

My husband joined the Army this year(at the age of 42) Please, Please don't ask me why because I have no idea. He came home and it was done without considering our family or me(his wife).

Hmmm, there's a "control" issue here that I'm not going to touch, except to tell you that I can completely relate to it.

Yep, you have every right to tears and gnashing of teeth with that one.

 

We have been married for 17 years. We have lived here all our lives with our children (ages 16, 11, 10, and 8).

 

Okay, see here's a BIG problem. It's going to be worse too, because a great number of military personel and their families just can't fathom it. "Home" for us is immediate family. It is our "constant". "Home" for you has a completely different definition, and your "constant" is much larger / grander.

 

Not to say that this can't be overcome. It certainly can, but it will take a lot of work on your part. (And by "your" here, I completely mean "you".)

 

I am the type of person that finds it hard to step out and get close to people.

 

Well, in this particular area you will find the true meaning of "military community" and can count it as a blessing. I'm incredibly shy, and uncomfortable in new situations, yet I have been blessed to meet fantastic people that became very dear rather soon after moving. Everyone is in the same boat as you and "community" is a desire so strong in "man" that it happens.

 

My oldest is in an Early College Program and if she leaves she will lose all her hard work and have to go to HS and finish with a diploma instead of her two year degree.

 

Hmmm, toughie. I know in the Army if your child is entering their senior year (high-school) you can request a PCS delay (1-year), and it's usually granted. In your particular case, I don't know your husband's MOS, nor if there is a post nearby which he can be stationed at with that MOS. On top of that, he's still a newbie. . .

 

However, this does not mean that if you chose to move to HI that should would miss out. If she has college credits then those could transfer and she could still go to college. I would look into this.

 

 

We know he will be deployed when he gets to Hawaii and the thoughts of having no family and my husband gone overwhelms me.

 

If you knew your husband was deploying, and coming from your situation, I would very definitely stay home. I know many will tell you about the great support you would be missing out on should you not go, but I'm thinking they probably don't have a clue about the support system you have in place at home. And the military is structured in such a way that they can get the military support aspect to you. . .

 

Another way it could be immensley helpful is that you would be far removed from the "rumor mill" that runs rampant in military communities. I've been through more than enough deployments to know how hurtful those rumors can be. . . but then again, I've been through so many that I now know what to shut out. . .

 

In my experience, one of the toughest things about military life is the "unknown". You know you are due to PCS, but don't know where, or you know where but not when (but SOON!). He's deployed, but you don't know what he's doing or exactly where he's at. You've never been to this locale, so you don't know what to expect.

 

A lot of unkowns will fall in place and are completely out of your control anyway (obtaining orders, for instance). But, there is a great deal that you can control. That whole "knowledge is power" business is a truism and the internet is a fantastic tool.

 

I also want to add that the children will take their cue from you. This kind of goes to earlier where I mentioned that YOU could overcome this. Your kids will begin to see you as "home base". (Remember the game of tag, where kids could run to a "base" and be "safe"? That's you.) Kids born into this life grow up knowing it. I suspect your kids, in their life, have a larger "base". If you "present" to your children one thing -- like this is a great new adventure being placed in front of them, as opposed to it's a hairy-scary deal -- they will treat it as such. You get to take on a new role as "actor extraordinaire" (on top of mother, military wife, etc.).

 

Good luck to you and yours on this journey. May it bless you as it has blessed me.

 

:grouphug: