How do you teach your children to deal with human "mosquitos?"

[Myrtle]

Getting a punch in the face for such a child would be completely random for him, based on his developmental state.

 

My extremely low-impulsive control child who can't keep from bothering his siblings, strangers, etc, certainly has figured out how to not get scratched by the cat.

 

Maybe he did think it was totally random the first or second time it happened, I don't know. He figured it out somehow. Thank goodness, I'd really worry if I had a kid who had no sense of cause and effect.

 

A cat today, a pitbull tomorrow. This couldn't end well.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

My extremely low-impulsive control child who can't keep from bothering his siblings, strangers, etc, certainly has figured out how to not get scratched by the cat.

 

Maybe he did think it was totally random the first or second time it happened, I don't know. He figured it out somehow. Thank goodness, I'd really worry if I had a kid who had no sense of cause and effect.

 

A cat today, a pitbull tomorrow. This couldn't end well.

 

YES! The cat is absolutely consistent, and inflicts a minor amount of painful consequence, when he steps over the "line" with said cat.

[Danestress]

I outwardly act like I am blaming both kids.

 

So in that situation, I would step into it and say, "John and Peter, I want you to keep your hands off each other. I don't want to see you blowing in each other's faces. I've had enough. You are not treating each other nicely, and now I am watching both of you closely and I better not see you purposely irritating each other. John (my son), if I see you do it, I am taking you home."

 

Of course, I would have briefed my kid ahead of time that this is how I will handle it, and they know it. They know I know they are not to blame, but that this saves face for Peter and his Mom.

 

I do it with my husband too. If he's repeatedly doing something annoying (say, taking blueberry smoothies into the family room and sipping them on the light gold colored sofa and then leaving the diry dish there) I will go in and say, "Okay, if you kids don't stop doing this I am going to lose it. If you eat it, you clean it up." And of course, I know it wasn't one of the boys, and they know I know it, and my husband will get a sheepish look and say "it was me!" and I will say, "Oh, really? I thought we had a 'no food out of the kitchen rule? Sorry.'"

 

It works every time.

[j.griff]

That's interesting. My mom would do things like that, and it frustrated me to no end- it still made me look "guilty" in other peoples eyes and I felt that wasn't fair because *I* wasn't the one doing something wrong.

[Danestress]

Absolutely I'd step in if I saw another child crying...

 

Mostly I wanted to address the words being used in this thread like "bully and "mosquito" to name a child. Those are powerful words that are hurtful.

 

I wanted to speak up for parents of very challenging children--it hurts to be characterized as lazy or uncaring. We've got a tough row to hoe, and a little compassion goes a long way!

 

That's a really good point, Kay. I am glad you posted in this thread because it's good to see how someone else might experience this type of situation. I actually edited my own post to take out the word "obnoxious" because after I read your post, I wasn't so sure I wanted to use that word.

[Danestress]

That's interesting. My mom would do things like that, and it frustrated me to no end- it still made me look "guilty" in other peoples eyes and I felt that wasn't fair because *I* wasn't the one doing something wrong.

 

Yeah, I can easily see that happening too. Luckily, we don't have a lot of problems with the kids my kids hang out with. If we had repeated problems, we might just find new friends, lol. But they do seem to appreciate a way to help solve the problem. I'd have a hard time being totally transparent about this and really chastising a child with his mother there. Maybe I am a wimp!

 

Next time something like this happens, I will ask them if they mind. When it involves their Dad, I know they think it's funny, and since he's always quick to admit his own guilt, it's almost like a family joke. I'm actually not sure whether my or not my husband has a clue that I already knew that he was the "blueberry shake" offender. But for us, it's a way for me to get the gripe out without making him feel directly bombarded.

[gardenschooler]

I haven't read the responses yet, but just off the top of my head, I would say something to the child in front of his mother (not without her present so that it couldn't later be misconstrued). I'd politely *tell* (not ask) him to stop, and remind him that he needs to stay out of other people's 'space'.

 

With his mother sitting right there, she has any opportunity to pipe up and defend her little irritant. And then we squish! :D Just kidding - I've seen other mothers do this, and it's effective. It's almost like they appreciate someone else doing their parenting for them.

[Laura in VA]

I would tell my son to punch him in the gut. I'm really sorry your son has to put up with that type of behavior. I think the only way that boy is going to stop is for him to realize he can't push your son around.

[gardenschooler]

Most of these behaviors happen just as my son steps up to get his ball at his turn.

 

 

I know what I would do. I'd get up, too, and just sort of be standing nearby, and even in the next lane if it's open, watching like a hawk. That way if the kid decided to try something, he'd see me watching him from nearby. I'd be real close.

 

I like J. Griff's idea of reacting loudly and obnoxiously, and it would be helpful in this instance, to be sure everyone hears you. "Why did you just try to trip my son while he is holding a bowling ball?!?" I would *over* react a little, to compensate for the child's own mother *underreacting*. Some of these parents are more prone to discipline their kids only if it means they themselves might be publicly embarrassed.

[gardenschooler]

I outwardly act like I am blaming both kids.

 

So in that situation, I would step into it and say, "John and Peter, I want you to keep your hands off each other. I don't want to see you blowing in each other's faces. I've had enough. You are not treating each other nicely, and now I am watching both of you closely and I better not see you purposely irritating each other. John (my son), if I see you do it, I am taking you home."

 

Of course, I would have briefed my kid ahead of time that this is how I will handle it, and they know it. They know I know they are not to blame, but that this saves face for Peter and his Mom.

 

I do it with my husband too. If he's repeatedly doing something annoying (say, taking blueberry smoothies into the family room and sipping them on the light gold colored sofa and then leaving the diry dish there) I will go in and say, "Okay, if you kids don't stop doing this I am going to lose it. If you eat it, you clean it up." And of course, I know it wasn't one of the boys, and they know I know it, and my husband will get a sheepish look and say "it was me!" and I will say, "Oh, really? I thought we had a 'no food out of the kitchen rule? Sorry.'"

 

It works every time.

 

Why would you do this? Why would you just not confront the person who is actually doing something wrong? I can't see the logic in this. Why accuse someone who you know did absolutely nothing wrong?

[Jackie in AR]

Well, if/when it happens again, I'd probably get right up close, in his face, and narrow my eyes and lower my voice and say through clenched teeth, "Knock it off. Immediately. Now. Tomorrow. Forever. STOP IT."

 

That worked a few times for me.

 

I know you don't say it like this, but all I could think of when I read your post was the scene with Rebecca De Mornay confronting her charge's bully at the playground in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle. :D

 

Ever see that movie?

[gardenschooler]

Anyone remember the post about giving an out of control kid the evil eye and saying, very meaninfully, "You might want to stop that, dear. Someone might get hurt."

 

Although I believe it was a hand squeeze, and the offender was a visiting child intent on running through the house and jumping on the furniture. But it would work in many situations. ;)

 

Was that one of yours, Pam? It sounds like you!

[Colleen]

I was drawn to read your post because I wondered what constitutes a "human mosquito". I've never heard that term before and can understand why Kay would object to it. On the other hand, an attention-challenged child is one thing; intentional harassment is another. From this perspective, the second definition seems better-suited to the aggressor in your scenario.

 

Any-hoo, I'd pointedly address the situation. At the next get-together, I'd openly say to the boy, "Joey, let's talk. You know and I know that you're intentionally annoying Bobby. That's not okay. It's especially not okay because he's asked you, repeatedly, to stop. I'm going to help you learn something now that will help you for the rest of your life: When someone tells you to stop, you stop. Period. But since you're having trouble controlling yourself, I'm going to help you. I'll just be right here and remind you when you're doing something that's not okay. And before you know it, you won't need my reminder. Deal? Good. Great. I just knew you'd agree."

[Harriet Vane]

I was drawn to read your post because I wondered what constitutes a "human mosquito". I've never heard that term before and can understand why Kay would object to it. On the other hand, an attention-challenged child is one thing; intentional harassment is another. From this perspective, the second definition seems better-suited to the aggressor in your scenario.

 

Any-hoo, I'd pointedly address the situation. At the next get-together, I'd openly say to the boy, "Joey, let's talk. You know and I know that you're intentionally annoying Bobby. That's not okay. It's especially not okay because he's asked you, repeatedly, to stop. I'm going to help you learn something now that will help you for the rest of your life: When someone tells you to stop, you stop. Period. But since you're having trouble controlling yourself, I'm going to help you. I'll just be right here and remind you when you're doing something that's not okay. And before you know it, you won't need my reminder. Deal? Good. Great. I just knew you'd agree."

 

I have to say I am really impressed with this advice. This response addresses the situation firmly but without demeaning the kid who is behaving inappropriately. I have to agree that this is the way to address this situation.

[sdWTMer]

I agree with Strider here and thereby agree with Colleen as well.

[TwinMominTX]

I think what the original poster was describing was bullying. The boy was deliberately bugging her son to the point of being a bully. He wasn't simply a kid who has some problems with realizing social cues.

 

Granted, the child in the original posters message may have some issues with social cues or other differences, but his behavior really does cross the line into bullying.

 

TK

[Kay in Cal]

Colleen... I think this is right on!

[dragons in the flower bed]

I am dreading next week. How do I tell my son to deal with it when this scenario begins again? Does he complain to the other kid's mother before it escalates? Do I complain to the other kids mother? Do I speak to the child?

 

In case you are wondering, it is a whole series of little things, all unprovoked: blowing in my son's face, flicking his hair, whispering things, sticking his feet out when my son walks by, blocking his way, etc. There are 5 other children and they do not recieve the same attentions. :( :mad: :confused:

 

That is bullying, a form of aggression I find totally unacceptable. I'm also a pacifist who wouldn't teach my kids to hit the person back. That said, you don't want him to come to you for protection, either. Every boy needs to learn verbal self-defense, because once kids hit a certain age, running back to mom for help is going to do much more harm than good for his ability to get respect from mosquitoes and bullies.

 

We own a book called Speak Up and Get Along! which has hints for kids on just this sort of thing. I very highly recommend it.

 

You could coach him to make himself big the way that some animals do, and state in a clear, strong voice, "Cease, immediately," or just, "Knock it off!" He could demand, "Keep your hands to yourself."

 

He could also try cocking one eyebrow and shaking his head at the person as though they're crazy, appearing unfazed, and saying something like, "That's weird, man." Other statements that might work include, "Your friendly airline attendant would like to remind all passengers of Mosquito's headspace to keep their arms and legs inside the personal space at all times," or, "If you are craving the comfort of touch, go get it from your mom."

 

Whichever you choose, firmness or humor, use a mirror and practice role-playing. Remember that it's mostly a matter of body language. He should stand tall, with his shoulders back, literally keep his head up high, look the person in the eye. He should be very careful to keep his voice in that space between quiet and violent -- calm but firm, assertive but not necessarily aggressive.

 

HTH.

[Danestress]

Why would you do this? Why would you just not confront the person who is actually doing something wrong? I can't see the logic in this. Why accuse someone who you know did absolutely nothing wrong?

 

Because I am a wimp and probably couldn't be as direct with the mother as some of you might be. I just couldn't walk up to her and say "your kid is being beastly, make him stop." And I also have read so many people here and on another board say that they can't tolerate someone chastising their child when they are sitting right here. When I was a kid, all parents pretty much felt free to address all kids. But today, it seems like some mothers are really touchy about that. So I'm not sure I could do it unless I knew the other child pretty well or unless he was at my house.

 

So I guess my approach gives me the ability to point out to the child and the mother that the behavior is annoying in a way that makes it clear I am watching and won't let it slide. And I would almost expect my child to say, "Hey, I wasn't the one doing it." And then I could say, "Oh, sorry. I thought it was a two way thing. Well anyway, I don't want to see it again. Understand Peter?" No biggie.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

If anybody cares at this point, of course I did not intend to be "dehumanizing." I tend to communicate with analogies because I find they get across the points I would like to make in ways that most people can understand. Of course I did not, and will not, use this terminology when talking to my son, the other boy, or his mother.

 

What I find dehumanizing is when someone is personally treated in a way in a way that most human beings would not want to be treated, you know, "Do unto others." When one person treats another in a way they would not want to be treated they are sending a message, whether intentional or not, that that person is not worthy of humane treatment.

 

Like many others here, I was one of those children sometimes targeted by bullies. That is one of the most horrible feelings in the world. My son has been very patient and has spoken up repeatedly, even forcefully, to the offending child, with no results. He has reached the point of feeling helpless. Now it is my job to make sure that my son does not feel the need to keep from doing something he enjoys because someone else is not training their own child to respect others.

 

I thank all of you for presenting so many points of view, you have helped me come to a decision about what to do the next time this happens.

[kalanamak]

If anybody cares at this point, of course I did not intend to be "dehumanizing." I tend to communicate with analogies because I find they get across the points I would like to make in ways that most people can understand. Of course I did not, and will not, use this terminology when talking to my son, the other boy, or his mother.

 

I'm an anology person as well. I've have chose "gnat". I love reading Brer Rabbit stories and other tales and fables giving animals human characteristics to teach something. And I have such a great love of animals and nature, it is not an insult to me at all. I'll call my son Mr. Beaver when he's busy and Mr. Piggy when he's messy, etc.

 

As far as confronting Mama, I'm in the don't camp. I think that Mama probably either 1) knows and doesn't care or 2) is in denial. My experience thus far is that Mamas get sarcastic and teach kiddo that any correction of them is greeted with a counter attack. (I recall a night in the showers when a little boy and girl were screaming to the point I was getting spots before my eyes. No grown up in sight. I poked my head out and in a lull said "Excuse me" firmly. A mother poked her head around the wall immediately and said sarcastically "We have the situation under control". She did shush them, but not much.). My kid is "forward" and 5 and I keep an eye on him. I don't want him to pick up an "I can do it so I will" attitude with boys (he is rather fawning to girls and doesn't seem to shove them out of the way).

 

Personally, I'd keep tell my son I intended to help him, but I wouldn't make a big display to keep him from feeling mothered in front of peers. I talk to the kid quietly. I might have a quiet word with any other mothers I felt I knew well enough to rely on their help/discretion. If the kid actively disobeys my request, I might ask my son what he'd like to do about this. Does he have a pal he can depend on for support? Would he like to switch groups? Have you right on hand? Leave for tonight? Have you go with him to talk to leader, mother, kid?

 

I was the pushed around kid, and my mother's unfailing calm helped me. She was also honest "That girl is a horrid. How lucky you aren't like her" etc.

[Scarlett]

I keep reading all of these posts and just realize that balance is needed. Even if a mother will respond badly, I still think the direct approach (either to child or to mom and child) is best. At least you tried the up front approach.

 

I had a situation with my son recently....A father came up to me and said, 'your son told Zak to kick my son and Zak did it.' I was mortified. I was embarrassed and and and embarrassed....and well, I hunted down my ds and asked him if this was in fact true. Ds says with wide eyes, yes. So I marched ds up to the kicked child and he was made to apologize. Then I marched ds up to the father of kicked child and he was made to apologize to the father as well. Later I began to fume....why was MY child singled out when the OTHER child did the actual kicking? So I went to the father of the kicked child and said, 'did you tell Zak's dad what he did?' And this father said, 'yes I did.' I felt better then.......I said, 'ok, I didnt want my child blamed for the whole thing.'

 

All of that to say, communication is key. If you can't have those sort of frank conversations with the parents, then your options are limited. I am exceedingly grateful that that father had the courage to come to me and tell me what my son had done. It gave me a chance to correct and apologize.

[elizam]

Just another perspective:

 

Yes, you can tattle to the kid's parents, but that won't necessarily change anything.

 

The "mosquito" kid could be like mine--annoying sometimes, but not a bully. Just not very good socially. Nonhomeschoolers can blame it on homeschooling; homeschoolers can blame it on bad parenting.

 

My child has ADHD. I am starting to become very attuned to those children who do. I used to think that wasn't a "real" disorder, that it was a parenting problem, a PS problem, a daycare problem. I think maybe all of those factors can exacerbate ADHD, but I no longer say it isn't "real." It's real, all right, and it is painful for both child and parent. I should add it is hard on siblings, too.

 

I know that doesn't change anything as far as figuring out how to protect *your* kids from kids like mine. I'm not saying mine isn't annoying. You'd think he learn from all the rejection, but he doesn't. That's the nature of ADHD. I've read more books about it than you can imagine.

 

I have a lot more compassion than I used to, and I try t reach out to those kids. So does dh, and he has been pretty harsh on ds (with poor results--we haven't parentedpunished/shamed it out of him yet and he is 15).

 

:(