BMW Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 So, my 19 yr old has NEVER paid rent. We have never asked her. She has occasionally disregarded some simple rules... and I would not get nit-picky, except that she ALSO gets very disrespectful of me when I correct her. She IS 19, I know... but if she cooks and leaves the mess for someone else to clean up, and I call her on it... good grief... it doesn't matter what her age is! Anyway, she is not working, not going to college, not paying her way, comes and goes as she pleases and I have begun to say things like, "If you don't like it... move out!" She has gotten some legal advice from another adult... And said today that if I say that and I mean it, I'd better be prepared for a law suit... She says that even if she does not/has not paid rent here, she is considered a legal tenant and I am required to give her a written, signed notice of eviction and that she can then take it to court and protest it... says she might not win, but in any way, if I persist, she would never want to speak to me again... Oh, the drama... I hate it. I am wondering... what??? How could I not be able to require her to leave? This isn't her home. She doesn't pay for anything. What do you think? Is this a bluff or is it law, like she says?? I tried to google it... but how do you google "when 19 yr old doesn't pay rent and you want her to leave"?? Thanks... sigh... sorry to hang out dirty laundry... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenneinCA Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I think I would write up a rental agreement and give it to her. It would have specific things like amount to be paid and when, specific parking/car rules, and any other issues. And it would be effective the first of August. She could either sign the agreement or work on moving out. I don't think she has any legal leg to stand on regarding the eviction thing. I wish you the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I had a friend who moved back in with his parents after living on his own for several years. His mother made him sign a rental agreement and pay rent (which she put aside and gave to him when he moved back out, he did not know this though in advance). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I believe I would just go ahead and give her that eviction notice. In our town they are even delivered by the police. If she has no job, how is she going to pay court fees? If she loses, she could very likely be told to pays yours as well. A website with more information is http://www.rentlaw.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I'd offer her a rental agreement (which I would have done the second she graduated high school, btw). Sit down and discuss the terms. She may have some great ideas herself. If she's not interested, draw one up yourself. Give her the opportunity to sign it. I would give it to her with something like a 2 week deadline just in order to get herself together and be reasonable. Sometimes people get and stay mad a little while. IF she refuses to sign or breaks the agreement, give her an eviction notice. The kids in this house know the rules. They are loose and friendly but firm and clear. I think going through the teen years knowing what the standards are helps a little. Changing the rules (or just starting to enforce them to the point of eviction) at 19 can be a little straining. REGARDLESS though, she will likely be angry for awhile, but most probably she'll come around. Sometime around 22, 25, 28 yrs old, she'll realize you weren't so stupid afterall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 (edited) I would wait until she is gone, pack up all her stuff, change all the locks, leave her stuff on the street, and let her know that if she wants to have it become a legal matter, she's free to get an attorney and file a lawsuit, but in the meantime, she will be living somewhere else. And if she wanted to never speak to me again, I would shrug and wait her out. End of story. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't love anyone enough to live with threats and intimidation like that. I adore my grown son, but he wouldn't get those words out of his mouth before he would live to regret them. Hopefully her adult friend who is so free with the advice will want to take her in. ETA that is not my legal advice. I have no idea what tenant laws are in your jurisdiction, and you would have to ask an attorney in YOUR area what is required legally and procedurally. What I am telling you that I would do might not be the legally correct way to handle things, but I bet your daughter doesn't really have a lot of money to go out and hire an attorney. Edited July 5, 2009 by Danestress Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiffanyl Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I would wait until she is gone, pack up all her stuff, change all the locks, leave her stuff on the street, and let her know that if she wants to have it become a legal matter, she's free to get an attorney and file a lawsuit, but in the meantime, she will be living somewhere else. And if she wanted to never speak to me again, I would shrug and wait her out. End of story. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't love anyone enough to live with threats and intimidation like that. I adore my grown son, but he wouldn't get those words out of his mouth before he would live to regret them. Hopefully her adult friend who is so free with the advice will want to take her in. :iagree: This is what I would do as soon as she left the house after talking to me like that! Also, I would be ready for her if she to wanted to come back & have the contract/agreement ready to sign... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Radish4ever Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Wow, what a stinky attitude :( I love the adivce the others have given you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Don't be distracted by her baloney. Stand back, figure out what you really want, what a good fallback would be for you, and then how to get to one or the other. Example: I want her to get her act together and either go to school or get a job, and to pay me some rent and behave respectfully. Fallback: If she won't do those things, I want her to move out but be nearby, and to have frequent contact with her on a loving, cordial level, but not be financially entangled. Strategy: I will clear the 'wants' with my DH so that we are unified. We will decide on a course of action and consider what that is likely to lead to, thinking 3 or 4 steps beyond the simple statement of what we want. Then we will take action. Possible course of action: We will tell DD how much we love her. We will be transparent with her about how much it hurts our feelings when she is disrespectful or inconsiderate. We will lay out clear expectations in a loving way, but will give her some freedom--for instance, "We want you to treat us as well as you would treat roommates that you value--tell us when you expect to come home, don't leave messes for us to clean up or even to face in the common areas of the house. We will treat you with love and we will ignore however you choose to keep up your room, unless there is something illegal involved which would put us and your siblings in jeopardy. We want you to talk with us politely at all times, and we will do so with you as well. We think that it's in your best interests to set some goals like going back to school or getting a job. We also think that it is in both your and our best interests for you to do some work around the house and to pay rent. Here is what we want you to do. What do you think? You can give us a counterproposal during the next 2 days and we can talk about this again. You're an adult, and we need you to pull your weight here. If this is unacceptable to you, you will need to find another place to live." Then, without telling her, your fallback could be, if this doesn't work out you'll pay rent for her in advance for two months in a rented room, and help her to move in there. You'll help her polish a resume, and help her feel encouraged to get a job, and to get out there and interview, and you'll invite her over frequently for meals to show that you still love her. Anyway, just a thought. She is not treating you well, or acceptably. You want to nip that in the bud without completely losing the relationship. It's really tricky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxMama Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I would wait until she is gone, pack up all her stuff, change all the locks, leave her stuff on the street, and let her know that if she wants to have it become a legal matter, she's free to get an attorney and file a lawsuit, but in the meantime, she will be living somewhere else. And if she wanted to never speak to me again, I would shrug and wait her out. . :iagree: This is what I would do....wait..... I already did this.:lol: I also cancelled the cell phone and sold the car. He didn't talk to me for a couple of months but he survived. He recently told me that kicking him out was the best gift I ever gave him because it forced him to get a plan and get off his butt and DO SOMETHING! Best of luck, mama! It'll work out, really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theresatwist Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I did google it. According to this website (http://www.wisegeek.com/at-what-age-is-someone-considered-a-legal-adult-in-the-us.htm) you do not have any legal responsibility to care or provide for your child after she turns 18. Looks like the law is on your side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtroad Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Is she realy consulted someone about tenant rights... some states are extremely harsh to the landlords.... find out the rules... post her eviction notice. On day of eviction, put her stuff on the porch & change the locks. If you own the car (in your name), have it picked up. Until day of eviction, lock away as much food as possible. Let soaps & shampoos do down to the minimum (really make it hard for her to just use & abuse what she wants to take from those who provide for her) I assume she didn't just start acting like this & has had issues for sometime. IF NOT, there is something going on like a boy or drugs. If this is a behavior pattern for sometime.... tough love is good. If you are married, DH must be on your side & not hers... or the battle is lost. If you want to encourage her to get off her behind.... pick up college & tech school applications, financial papers, and even a few job applications. This might help as you prepare to evict her. STAND FIRM. This is an attitude of entitlement & our country has enough. She needs to grow up & you have to help her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 Thank you. I am still reeling from the drama... troubles have been here for many years, but I thought there had been a bit more progress that this shows... I will continue to find out definate legal answers, since the person she has been consulting with is a doozie about such matters (the kind of woman who knocks a jar of pickles off the shelf, slips in the juice, then sues...). It IS so hard with her being the oldest... she opposes me in many areas and sets the stage and then the other kids don't think they need to listen or follow rules, either. Thanks again... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 (edited) Actually, I think she could be correct. You really need to check the law out so you know your choices. Then sit with a mediator and talk about it. No crazy emotions and someone who you can both trust to call you a time-out if needed. Don't crush her at this point. Give her a way to make this right. "Maybe you should move out" is like "maybe we should get divorced"... You should really be careful in saying it, because it hurts feelings, and you can only say it a couple of times before you follow through. Carrie Edited July 6, 2009 by NayfiesMama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staceyobu Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 I agree with the previous poster. She could be right. I don't know if it varies from state to state, but you do have rights as a tenant even if you don't pay rent. If someone lets you establish yourself as a resident of their home, they have to give you an eviction notice before kicking you out. But, if you give notice and she's not paying, you'll win if it were to go to court. However, if you throw her stuff on the street and change the locks... she could call the police and they might tell you to let her back in until proper notice, etc, is given. Or, they might tell her to take a hike. You never know. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxMama Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 (edited) Thank you. I am still reeling from the drama... troubles have been here for many years, but I thought there had been a bit more progress that this shows... I will continue to find out definate legal answers, since the person she has been consulting with is a doozie about such matters (the kind of woman who knocks a jar of pickles off the shelf, slips in the juice, then sues...). It IS so hard with her being the oldest... she opposes me in many areas and sets the stage and then the other kids don't think they need to listen or follow rules, either. Thanks again... In this situation I would tell her that she needs to move out. If she insists that you take the legal route and evict her then you will do that. Either way she really just needs to move on and you follow through. Make sure she understands that if she just moves out then coming home might be an option in the future but if you have to formally evict her than she will never live in your house again. Stop supporting her. No money. Stop buying her groceries. Drop her off your car insurance/cell phone plan/etc. If you do have to abide by a landlord/tenant law it does not include support of your adult child so don't support her. She is playing hardball so you are going to have to play along. Since she wants to play the landlord/tenant card then you are forced to become her landlord and not her mom. So act like a landlord. Landlords don't take care of their troubled tenants. If she leaves her belongings somewhere other than her room then throw them away. Be ruthless but calm. If you do not feel that you can throw away her belongings then put them in storage and tell her she can have them when she vacates the premises. If she says," FIne I'm leaving and leaves." Then change the locks immediately and pack and give her all her belongings as soon as possible! Stay calm and don't yell. Calmly state, " Dear, you need to move out. Your choices are to just move but if you insist that I evict you then I will start those proceedings in the morning. Either way you will not be living here a month from now but if I evict you , you will never again live under my roof. As of now I'm dropping you from the car insurance/cellphone/etc. You will need to supply your own food. I love you but it is time for you to move on with your life. Best of luck. I know you will figure out the next step for life." Repeat the last three sentences when ever she tries to talk you out of it. " I love you but it time for you to move on with your life. Best of luck. I know you will figure out the next step." Over and over and over. Be strong, you can do this! Edited July 6, 2009 by Wendy B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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