lynn Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 My dad's aunt is in her late 80's. Her sister my Nana passed away 3.5 years ago. Aunty has started calling my dad all upset asking where Winnie(my nana) is because she has tried to call her several times and can't get in touch with her. My dad keeps telling her that Winnie is on vacation. I think he should be honest, gently remind Aunty that Winnie passed away 3 years ago. It's all so sad to me for my dad to have this conversation on a regular basis but he is not sure which way to go either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 I think he definitely needs to tell her the truth. It's only delaying the inevitable. Is she near family that is helping her? She's clearly got some dementia and should be monitored to make sure she's okay and taking meds that she should etc. I'm sorry, it's so sad.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Yes, I agree with ILLucy. Hopefully she can be comforted by those who know and love her. I'm sorry for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 (edited) Sounds like she definately needs someone to be checking in on her, and an evaluation done by a medical professional. If she's unable to remember that Winnie has passed, chances are there are other issues she's having, and she may well be unable to manage her daily care appropriately. One of the most dangerous issues with the elderly who have dementia and are living alone is actually food poisoning. Their sense of smell isn't as acute as it once was, and they forget how long things have been in the fridge. Plus, they tend to get suspicious and horde. Its very important that if you suspect dementia (and of course in this case its obvious) that you alert her dr, and family in the area so that proper assessments can be done, and they can get proper assistance in place, be it home care, assisted living, whatever needs to be in place to ensure her safety. Edited July 4, 2009 by Impish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Dh's grandmother lived to be 99 and started suffering from dementia in her late 90s. Dh's family humored her when she wanted to visit her mother's house. They'd take her out for a drive and she'd forget the reason for the drive before they got back to her house. They didn't tell her one of her daughters died and would tell her she was visiting one of her own daughters in France when asked. I'm not sure this is the best approach, but it seemed kinder than the unvarnished truth, especially since she would forget the subject of the conversation and switch to something else. I doubt telling the truth would have worked with dh's gm because she probably would have forgotten and asked again anyway. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 At this point it's not just her memory, it may also be her "reasoner," so keep in mind that no matter what you tell her, she may not remember it, and if you do tell her the truth, you really can't assume that she's going to process it like you or I would either. If she has family close by that are regularly looking on her and monitoring her, I would tell her the truth, but in a gentle way and not with the assumption that she's going to remember it for long. If there was any doubt as to how she would handle it and/or if she wasn't being monitored, I wouldn't tell her the truth. Sometimes you have to keep the person's best interests at heart. IMHO she needs to be evaluated as soon as possible. Dementia is potentially dangerous in the elderly, but can be treated or at least slowed in some cases. I could write a book about my mother's vascular dementia and it's progression over the last few years. When I was there in April, most of the food in the refridgerator was rotten, the garbage hadn't been taken out in a month, she wasn't taking her medicine, and she was feeding the cat 8-10 times a day. She couldn't make phone calls unless they were on speed dial, and answering the phone and having a conversation was very difficult for her. She was in the emergency room four times in May for falls and/or times she forgot to eat for days. Thankfully a family friend got her into assisted living in June, and I'm hoping that she is still there despite the friends and family who agree with her that she's "perfectly fine" mentally. Lot's of family drama... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 We tortured my great-grandmother with the knowledge of her husband's death (over a decade before) for awhile, before my gramma decided to just humor her. Losing someone once is difficult, losing them over and over again.... I couldn't imagine the pain. I vote, lie to her. There's no sense in repeatedly breaking it to her, it won't stick and will only make her grieve anew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 I must agree. If she continually forgets this information, it will be a fresh shock and new pain every time you have to tell her again that her sister is dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 my grandmother had alzheimers and she'd frequently ask about her husband. When we reminded her that he died, she relived the pain of hearing it for the first time over and over and over. It was HEARTBREAKING. With my mom, we made the decision not to do that to her. We initially told her he died, and she saw him in the hospital before he died. Sometimes she'd remember he died, other times she forgot. When she forgot and asked where he was, we'd tell her "not here right now" and leave it at that. She never questioned that as she was losing the ability to talk herself. I do think she should know that her sister died. Maybe remind her once or twice, but after that, tell her that she's away for the moment. Dementia/alzheimers is a cruel, slow torture of a death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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