Tree House Academy Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 (edited) I am going to do the best I can to post this in a non-condescending way. Really, I need to get it off my chest and just talk about it for a minute. I am having mixed feelings. I hesitated to post it on a forum, but I am not using names and really leaving out a TON of details, so hopefully it will be okay. I am not close with my dad. Thre is a lot of hurt and past scaring there that I won't go into. While I am not close with my dad (and never will be), we do still speak occasionally and I have forgiven him/myself for the "bad years." It took me a long time, but I honestly harbor no ill feelings for him at all. I guess maybe the "no real feelings at all" part sums it up the most. Until recently... My dad called today and told me that my step-mother (whom I am also not close with, obviously) has recently asked for a divorce. There was infidelity for over 15 YEARS with various men on her part. This came as a shock and a blow to my dad. He is not the greatest person, but my heart is breaking for him. My husband does NOT understand...especially knowing what he does about the things my dad did to me as a child (emotional and physical abuse to a mild degree). However, like I said, I have forgiven him (I will never forget). He is a different person today. I think that in his older age, he has realized a lot of the things he messed up in this world...and his relationship with me was one of those. If you look up dysfunctional in the dictionary, our picture is there. LOL Anyway, I mostly posted this because I have no one else to talk to about it. Pathetic, I know. But has anyone else "been there?" My problem is that I have this desire to talk with my dad more now, maybe even to visit him. Most of this is because I feel bad for him. BUT WHY? Part of me says to just stay out of it, talk if he calls, etc. But the other part really hurts for him. Over 15 years is a long time to be married...and then to have your spouse come in and tell you something like that. I don't care who you are...that HURTS. Oh well...thanks for listening. :) ETA: this little tidbit... I am not sure why I feel bad for my dad...seeing as he did the same to my mom...only they were married 8 years and he slept with 29 women and told her on her birthday...when she was 3 mos pregnant with me. Edited June 12, 2009 by Tree House Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Not really sure what you are asking, but you can always stop talking to him again if you need/want to. Your dad, not your husband. You ought to keep talking to your husband! :grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 LOL...yeah, I am not sure what I am asking either. :( I think I just needed to spit it out there. Might I ask for prayers or hugs? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I'm sorry you're feeling down. To cheer you up a bit: you're going to have to do better than that for Jerry! Jerry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avila Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 (edited) You're hurting because an older man has found out that he's been betrayed by his spouse for over fifteen years, and is now getting divorced. I think if this was anyone at your church (if you attend), in your neighbourhood, anyone you knew in a bit more than a casual way, you'd want to offer them some sort of support or solace. The fact that this is your Dad doesn't make those feelings any less. You've forgiven him, so you're not wanting to offer him any more than you'd want to offer a community member. Thing of it is though, *because* its your Dad, I personally wouldn't advise pursuing any sort of relationship without your dh being on board. Your dh needs to be supportive of this, or at the very least, not unsupportive of it. Just with the stuff in the past, the last thing you need is problems in your present and future cause of Dad, kwim? ETA: My other questions would be, how often does you Dad call you normally? Do you guys visit at all now? I'm trying to get an idea of where your relationship is at all with your Dad, if there's really one at all at the moment. Edited June 12, 2009 by Impish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarfoot Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 :grouphug: to you. FWIW, I think it says a lot about your capacity for love and forgiveness that you feel this way about his situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 Thing of it is though, *because* its your Dad, I personally wouldn't advise pursuing any sort of relationship without your dh being on board. Your dh needs to be supportive of this, or at the very least, not unsupportive of it. Just with the stuff in the past, the last thing you need is problems in your present and future cause of Dad, kwim? I think you are right. I actually tend to want to find the best in him. My dh sees the worst. From what I have told him of my childhood involving my dad...and then just what he has seen on the 4 visits we have made to my dad in the 7 years we have been married...he doesn't want our kids around my father. He has no pity for my dad...but for some insane reason...I do. :( I shouldn't. He did the same to my mom...only they were married 8 years and he slept with 29 women and told her on her birthday...when she was 3 mos pregnant with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I'm not generally the huggy type, but this is online not in person so I can manage ;) :grouphug: :grouphug: Two even. I have a dad too... Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 From what I have told him of my childhood involving my dad...and then just what he has seen on the 4 visits we have made to my dad in the 7 years we have been married...he doesn't want our kids around my father. I'd go with the DH on this. I am having a hard time believing that someone who abused a child wouldn't abuse their spouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I think you are right. I actually tend to want to find the best in him. My dh sees the worst. From what I have told him of my childhood involving my dad...and then just what he has seen on the 4 visits we have made to my dad in the 7 years we have been married...he doesn't want our kids around my father. He has no pity for my dad...but for some insane reason...I do. :( I shouldn't. He did the same to my mom...only they were married 8 years and he slept with 29 women and told her on her birthday...when she was 3 mos pregnant with me. Oh Sweetie. If I could, I'd give you the biggest one armed hug ever. So much pain in that message. Of course you want to see the best. You want so badly for him to be your Dad. YOUR Dad. The one you deserved to have, not the one you had. The one you hoped and prayed he would be, could be. And you keep praying and hoping, because no matter how old you are, there will always be a part of you that longs to be Daddy's Girl. Believe me, I get it. From one longing Daddy's Girl to another, I get it. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Your dh is like mine. He's out to protect his wife and children, and will NOT take chances, and sees with utmost clarity, and will not risk that which is most precious to him. His wife and children. Consider yourself blessed. You will never be a Daddy's Girl...But you are your husband's Wife.:001_smile::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Hmm. I'm half watching "What a Girl Wants." Which of us Daddy's Girl Wannabes wouldn't want Colin Firth as a dad? (Age adjustments allowed.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 LOL...yeah, I am not sure what I am asking either. :( I think I just needed to spit it out there. Might I ask for prayers or hugs? You could begin by writing him a letter. After that, you can still decide if you want to talk to him more. Oh...and prayers and hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 You can have both prayers and lots of :grouphug: from me! Ugh! I just typed and deleted and typed and deleted so many things. Let me just say this. I can relate to what you are feeling. Feelings don't always make sense, they just are. I think my family must have the second entry in the dictionary under "dysfunction" after yours. In spite of it all I love them deeply. There is something strong in family ties that is not easily broken. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 Thanks for the hugs everyone...and for understanding. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macdaddi Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I can relate to this. My dad calls once a week to talk to me (OK, to see if I'm "still alive") and I feel like it's an obligation. I don't know what I'd do if that happened to him. Part of me says I'll be glad that Karma is finally paying him back and part of me has too much empathy to not feel bad for him...even though he doesn't deserve it. I'm sorry... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Hmm. I'm half watching "What a Girl Wants." Which of us Daddy's Girl Wannabes wouldn't want Colin Firth as a dad? (Age adjustments allowed.) I wanted to be Laura Ingalls and have Micheal Landon. Or be Scout and have Atticus Finch (Gregory Peck) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: This must be so hard for you! My feeling is that, if you're concerned about your dad, there's nothing wrong with a casual phone call to ask how he's doing. You don't have to offer to visit, you don't have to invite him over, and you don't have to be his best friend. You can start the conversation with something about how you have to go out in a few minutes, but thought you'd just give him a quick call to see how he was doing. (It would also help if your dh would "remind" you in 5 minutes that you're going to be late if you don't get moving. That way, it'll be easier to get off the phone.) I have absolutely no experience in this area, as I was incredibly blessed with wonderful parents, so my idea may be very stupid, but I was just thinking that it sounds like you'll dwell on this and feel guilty and worried about it until you finally give in and call your dad. I agree with others who have suggested that you discuss this with your dh before you contact your dad, as he may have a more objective view of the situation than you do, and may see potential negative consequences that you're missing because you're kind of worried about being a bad daughter. You're not alone in this, and if your dad is not a good person, anything you do could have an impact on your dh and dc. (I'm not sure what kind of abuse you suffered, but if there's any chance that your dad would do anything to hurt your dc, I'd forget about being a good daughter and concentrate on being a good mom instead.) Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't your objective be something along the lines of letting your dad know that you feel sorry for him, without initiating anything that would lead to a closer relationship? Reading your post, I think the one person who suffered the most was your poor mom. Is she still alive? How would she feel about this? :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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