How do you go about taking it all away?

[TXMomof4]

DD 9 and I are going to be the death of each other. She has been my attitude child since - ummm, forever? I was helping clean her room today (which is another issue in and of itself) and I'm going to go completely, freaking psycho if we don't get this resolved.

 

It's not just being a slob. I tend to that, so I can see how the kids don't get the importance of always having a clean house. Dh is the enforcer on all of us in that area, and he's not here right now, so we muddle through - some days are better than others.

 

The problem is she has zero respect for anything! Mom bought her the AG samantha lemonade set - all but 2 pieces are broken. That is a discontinued item, she's broken hearted about it but not enough to take care of it. Books are found crammed, jammed, bent and broken wherever she goes. Clothes are crammed in corners, under the bed, in the closet - wherever she can find a spot to cram them.

 

So today, I get to looking at a picture she's put up on her wall. We have the plastitak stuff they usually use, and I don't mind if they staple or thumbtack their pictures to their walls. But no - that would take effort - so she GLUED all of her pictures to the wall. Big, heaping gobs of glue. I found her name written in MAGIC MARKER on the back of her door. SHE"S 9!!!! My 2 yo knows not to write on the doors and walls! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH HER!!!!

 

I seriously am at my wits end with this child - which seems to be how I spend most of my time with her. I'm getting ready to take everything but her bed out of her room and let her fend for herself, but I'm not sure how to enforce this. If I move the toys into her sisters' room, I will have to ban her from their room as well. Is that what I need to do? I need to crack the whip here, but I don't want to actually do harm, just motivate. Help!

[Storm Bay]

Simple. My dc are growing out of this a bit at a time. First of all, they don't keep glue, etc, in their room even now. Or scissors as I have one who used to cut anything she could (she's much, much better now.) If they can't keep it tidy, I go in and confiscate. I put things in the attic, throw garbage and broken toys away. They always get prior warning.

 

In addition, I have taught them how to clean up so that they have no excuse. I make sure they have somewhere to put everything away. Kids don't come with a natural understanding of the value of things, at least not all kids do. None of mine did, nor did I.

 

It can take years for the lessons to really sink in. I've been called mean and have been accused of stealing their stuff (I have a teen now and an 11 yo--they didn't used to do that). There has been improvement, although things are not mastered yet. If they get upset because I put something in the attic because "it's precious," I point out that if it's precious it shouldn't be left on the floor.

 

There is a lot more, but my ds needs to get out of the tub and I have to get him a towel.

[SonshineLearner]

Can I just offer a Hug :grouphug: and then remind you that it's an opportunity to show love? Relationship is more important than the room...right? My mom and I were always at it about my room...and she's still right about it to this day. Although she was the one who was in charge, that didn't help me! I felt frustrated, sad, and not in charge of my own space, and say it like you will....it didn't make happy room memories.

 

I'd suggest.....a clean the room party:-) But, go at it the positive way, if she'll let you. Maybe take a time when it can just be you two on the room (this is too much for just her) and set out a drink and snack for you both....and ask her the part that she'd like to start on. Maybe she'll want to pick up something fun for her walls...or do icecream after. Just looking at all I have to clean today...makes me want to cry!! If she has a bad attitude...(which she may) try to explain in a nice way...that you're available when she's ready....(until a certain time...) and then...well....I have to say, that last time...I just cleaned up my daughter's room. (And don't forget to try those Mr Clean erasers or whatever on the door)

 

Sometimes when I get upset about those things (like rooms) I remember what I feel like when trying to clean....And it makes me a little nicer and more understanding.

 

Sorry you're dealing with this...

[wildflower]

I may be a mean mommy, maybe i am to hard on my 4.5 yo & 20 mo, but i've started 'mommy patrol'. each night before bath time i walk the house with the garbage can & throw away anything that is not picked up.

i am fair- i give warning & help them pick up what ever they need help with, but i did throw away a plastic cup, and a few stray items that were more mine than theirs just to make my point.

 

maybe my signature line should be-

super nanny would cringe in my forceful presence!

my kids are great, i try to be their confidant and their caretaker.

 

don't alienate her (my mom did that) but IMHO she needs some boundaries to function as an adult. not to imply short falls on your part- i don;t mean to be harsh, can't find the words to express really.... do you get what i mean?

hth

 

robyn

:grouphug:

[unsinkable]

I may be a mean mommy, maybe i am to hard on my 4.5 yo & 20 mo, but i've started 'mommy patrol'. each night before bath time i walk the house with the garbage can & throw away anything that is not picked up.

i am fair- i give warning & help them pick up what ever they need help with, but i did throw away a plastic cup, and a few stray items that were more mine than theirs just to make my point.

 

maybe my signature line should be-

super nanny would cringe in my forceful presence!

my kids are great, i try to be their confidant and their caretaker.

 

don't alienate her (my mom did that) but IMHO she needs some boundaries to function as an adult. not to imply short falls on your part- i don;t mean to be harsh, can't find the words to express really.... do you get what i mean?

hth

 

robyn

:grouphug:

 

This is not a slam...but can a 20 month old even understand this?

[unsinkable]

DD 9 and I are going to be the death of each other. She has been my attitude child since - ummm, forever? I was helping clean her room today (which is another issue in and of itself) and I'm going to go completely, freaking psycho if we don't get this resolved.

 

It's not just being a slob. I tend to that, so I can see how the kids don't get the importance of always having a clean house. Dh is the enforcer on all of us in that area, and he's not here right now, so we muddle through - some days are better than others.

 

The problem is she has zero respect for anything! Mom bought her the AG samantha lemonade set - all but 2 pieces are broken. That is a discontinued item, she's broken hearted about it but not enough to take care of it. Books are found crammed, jammed, bent and broken wherever she goes. Clothes are crammed in corners, under the bed, in the closet - wherever she can find a spot to cram them.

 

So today, I get to looking at a picture she's put up on her wall. We have the plastitak stuff they usually use, and I don't mind if they staple or thumbtack their pictures to their walls. But no - that would take effort - so she GLUED all of her pictures to the wall. Big, heaping gobs of glue. I found her name written in MAGIC MARKER on the back of her door. SHE"S 9!!!! My 2 yo knows not to write on the doors and walls! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH HER!!!!

 

I seriously am at my wits end with this child - which seems to be how I spend most of my time with her. I'm getting ready to take everything but her bed out of her room and let her fend for herself, but I'm not sure how to enforce this. If I move the toys into her sisters' room, I will have to ban her from their room as well. Is that what I need to do? I need to crack the whip here, but I don't want to actually do harm, just motivate. Help!

 

:grouphug:

 

You'll be in my prayers!

[wildflower]

This is not a slam...but can a 20 month old even understand this?

 

no offense taken. i should have worded it better, but i had my little piglet in my arms squirming as she had lunch.... i'm sure you've been there.

 

i am always surprised at what she understands. she does however do everything her sister does. monkey see.... monkey cleans up after herself!

 

#2 is always telling big sis 'clean-up sa-sa'

[lgm]

It's one of those times you get yourself a nice icy drink and reflect upon the creativity and ingenuity shown.

 

When you're ready to plunge back in:

Congratulate her for being sooo lucky that the Room Fairy has awarded her a makeover. Of course, since the fairy had trouble getting in and moving about the room, her assistance will be needed.

 

Day 1:Supply boxes and have her sort & fill them: toys, clothes, book, everything else (or whatever scheme works for you). Set the timer and have her play beat the clock (so she wont' get sidetracked). Leave two sets of clothes and pjs out. She can take responsibility and clean the magic marker off if it can be done safely by a child, or she entertains little sibs while you get it off. Have a snack together and reward yourselves for getting so much done.

 

Day 2:Have a cleaning party now that everything is in the boxes other than the furniture...do it up with aprons or kercheifs..and reward yourselves when done. Launder clothing but don't restock b/c it's still cleaning day.

 

Day 3: Restock with what she wants that you will allow (not markers) and only what can fit in the existing storage. Everything should have a place and be in that place. Inform all that the rule is that tidying up must be done so that the fire escape routes are clear and small creature don't feel invited in to stay. Smart girl that she is, she'll want to do her part and of course clean up immediately after she's done using whatever it is she's taken out. Take pics.

 

Day 4: All the rest of the stuff needs sorted into storage, donation, trash and then moved on.

 

Day 5: The Makeover Fairy can start planning according to her budget. Perhaps the name could be on a wall in a different form..poster, stuffed letters, wooden plaque??

 

Day 6-10: Makeover Fairy does her thing...take more pics and have a tea party!

 

Everyday...everyone picks up at the appointed time if they've left things out. Everything belonging to anybody found out of place when mom comes to say goodnight is gathered into a basket and is removed until the next auction. Trades can be arranged if it's a vital item such as eyeglasses. Hold the auction weekly, everyone can bid on what they see using their chore money, I.O.U.s to be redeemed for chores or silly things like a 'window seat on Thursday' or whatever you want to use for token incentives for being good.; it gets really silly and you see improvement fast enough to drop the tokens after a few rounds...have fun with it.:lol:

Edited June 8, 2009 by lgm

[Blueridge]

:grouphug: Might I suggest that you and she sit together in the middle of her room and start making some big girl choices. She is still so young, but old enough to learn to take care of her things. I think she has *too much* to deal with. She probably has too many clothes to keep them all straight and nice. So the two of you can decide how many socks/shirts/panties, etc. that she really needs. Provide hangers or dresser drawers for what she keeps. Donate the rest. You can do the same for the toys and books. Just a step at a time.

[Dirtroad]

I used to be a juvenile probation officer and we often had families come to us for "intervention". Kids were not in trouble with law enforcment or courts, but were showing signs of defiance, severe apathy, destruction, or other traits that alarmed the family.

 

To take it "all away" is tough and requires great discipline on you and spouse (perhaps more than the child). You remove everything from the room. Toss out old, damaged or gross stuff. Leave the bed in the room with 1 set of linens. Leave 1 crate or dresser drawer for clothes (no more). They get 1-2 clean outfits, 1 pj, and appropriate underwear. 1 set of shoes. (nothing else). No lamps, no music, no books, no decorations... stark naked room basically.

 

You have a serious conversation about appreciation, responsibility, accountability, and expectations. Set goals (small at first) and rewards (what she EARNS back). She will be defiant at first & not try (you don't give up). AS she realizes that you are serious, she will begin to bend a bit. You let her begin to earn back clothing & furniture. As she takes care of it (laundry, cleaning, making bed), you let her have some fun stuff back. LIttle by little. If neglect begins, stop the return.

 

This is the toughest line that we taught. I dont' want ot start a debate about what a horrible person I am for even thinking this child might need something this serious. However, her issue is that she doesn't appreciate what she has, doesn't respect YOU much, and needs help/teaching/guidance.

 

While you have all the STUFF out... get rid fo some of it. The other Moms are on the button about downsizing. Our kids usually have too much junk. Less is easier to manage & the items are more special. Also makes it easier to store & clean everything.

 

Remember, this was the toughest & it does take them down to the absolute bare essentials. RESULTS... most parents couldn't handle it b/c it was more work than they were willing to do or they got tired of the whining & complaining. That is why I think it is harder for the parents.

[Storm Bay]

Can I just offer a Hug :grouphug: and then remind you that it's an opportunity to show love? Relationship is more important than the room...right? My mom and I were always at it about my room...and she's still right about it to this day. Although she was the one who was in charge, that didn't help me! I felt frustrated, sad, and not in charge of my own space, and say it like you will....it didn't make happy room memories.

 

 

 

My mother just shut my bedroom door when guests or the cleaning lady came over. However, I still struggle with organization and tidiness and firmly believe that it can be taught young. When they leave home they'll know how to do it whether or not they actually do. My mother didn't know how to teach it (and she's a great mom, don't get me wrong, but no one is perfect!)

 

I think both relationship and room are important, and just because I put things in the attic (and I don't do it daily the way I should) doesn't mean I don't have fun/sweet times with my dc. However, my dc aren't ever going to learn to respect dh and I if that's all we do.

 

In our house we have three reasons for making rules, and although they sometimes forget this, I've told my 3 dc what those reasons are.

 

Safety

Consideration of others

Stewardship (taking care of things)

 

We are certainly not perfect in any area, nor is anyone else, but if I don't teach them stewardship they won't learn it. Stewardship is more than going green (and some so-called green things are gimmicks), it's learning to take care of your environment. Environment doesn't just mean what's outside in the woods and fields, it's also where you live. Some of the most creative people I know are also tidy, so it can be done. We tend to be more right brained in our house (not all of us, but mostly) so this seems to be more difficult for us. But learning to take care of your things teaches you to appreciate them. Also, paring things down.

 

A clean up party can be fun, and we've done some fun things like this. But it's learning the day to day tidying and organization that's important. I won't be there to do that for them when they're on their own. My dd's now do most of their laundry; I wash their bedding and a few things where they don't have enough to do a load (they're 11 & 14, though, not 9). My dc all fold their own laundry, even my 8 yo ds. They started with simple things when they were little. They are supposed to clear their own dishes from the table, although that one I'm not 100 percent consistent on yet.

 

fwiw, even though I was very messy I always knew where my things were. I also had my eyes opened when I saw my kid brother's room when he was a teen--he was even messier.

[Dirtroad]

Safety

Consideration of others

Stewardship (taking care of things)

 

 

Those are great!

 

I thought about it after I posted.... before you do anything drastic, find out WHY it is like this. Is this an Oscar & Felix issue? Is one of you super neat and the other not?

 

If it is going into the area of defiance or a power struggle, then you do have bigger issues than just a messy room. The glue thing was not "just a messy room".... but that could have been childishness.

 

You need to figure out WHY... then you can plan a strategy of coaching, tough love, or "closing the door". ;)

[Rosie_0801]

How about taking lgm's advice, but prepare for it by painting her sibling's rooms/s? Instead of being a chore, it's now a cool bit of attention she won't want to cheat herself out of?

 

Rosie

[Faithseed]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I just wanted you to know that I could have written your post last year. My 9yodd is/was exactly the same. It drove me nuts, and it completely baffled me. She is the oldest, and the only one like that.

 

This last year, things have gotten much better. She doesn't do the crazy things nearly as often. Things aren't perfect, but they are so much better!!

 

I also want to encourage you to keep your relationship with her on good grounds. I know (oh, how I know!!!) how hard that is when you are constantly frustrated. Now is the time when you/we are building those ties with our dds that will see us through the teenage years! No matter what, find something good about her every day. Smile at her.

 

Things won't get better today, but they will eventually get better!

 

 

DD 9 and I are going to be the death of each other. She has been my attitude child since - ummm, forever? I was helping clean her room today (which is another issue in and of itself) and I'm going to go completely, freaking psycho if we don't get this resolved.

 

It's not just being a slob. I tend to that, so I can see how the kids don't get the importance of always having a clean house. Dh is the enforcer on all of us in that area, and he's not here right now, so we muddle through - some days are better than others.

 

The problem is she has zero respect for anything! Mom bought her the AG samantha lemonade set - all but 2 pieces are broken. That is a discontinued item, she's broken hearted about it but not enough to take care of it. Books are found crammed, jammed, bent and broken wherever she goes. Clothes are crammed in corners, under the bed, in the closet - wherever she can find a spot to cram them.

 

So today, I get to looking at a picture she's put up on her wall. We have the plastitak stuff they usually use, and I don't mind if they staple or thumbtack their pictures to their walls. But no - that would take effort - so she GLUED all of her pictures to the wall. Big, heaping gobs of glue. I found her name written in MAGIC MARKER on the back of her door. SHE"S 9!!!! My 2 yo knows not to write on the doors and walls! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH HER!!!!

 

I seriously am at my wits end with this child - which seems to be how I spend most of my time with her. I'm getting ready to take everything but her bed out of her room and let her fend for herself, but I'm not sure how to enforce this. If I move the toys into her sisters' room, I will have to ban her from their room as well. Is that what I need to do? I need to crack the whip here, but I don't want to actually do harm, just motivate. Help!

[Faithr]

I have a just about to turn 8 yo dd that sounds exactly like your dd. I don't feel I can get on my high horse about taking good care of things because I am lousy at keeping the house organized and tidy. I need Clean House to come help me out! I am overwhelmed with junk! However, because I'm an adult and because I grew up in a home that was very organized, I do know the importance of taking care of things. I think you win more battles with love and working together than taking draconian measures. My dd is really impulsive, very creative, thinking outside the box type, very busy and she just doesn't have good judgment yet about that kind of thing. Especially when I am not the best teacher, to put it mildly.

 

This is what I try to do: 1)take away the scissors, glue, markers etc and explain why. 3)Give her other stuff she can keep in her room that would keep her busy and her creative juices flowing but are safe, like beading kits, paper weaving kits, needle and thread and some cloth, etc. 3)Try to get her to consult me before she does some impulsive thing. I try to say yes to her as much as possible so that she will not think coming to me means an automatic no. It means I have to stop what I'm doing and monitor what she's doing so she doesn't get out of hand! But it is working! Then when she's in the middle of her little manic creative burst of energy I'm right there to direct her energies. 4)Also, I try to pick up a little bit each day when I come in to kiss her good night. I take one or two minutes to straighten up stuff and she watches me and sometimes even gets up to help and then gets back into bed for her tuck in and kiss. 5)At least once every two weeks we go in and clean together. Some days she helps a lot and other days she talks a lot and I do most of it, but there is a real camraderie there. I think modeling and open communication work the best. I know I will never win a power struggle against this child! She will win and I will burn out! Things are not perfect. The other day she got ahold of her older sister's bright red nail polish and well, you should see the carpet! But I feel there is progress.

[Storm Bay]

I have a just about to turn 8 yo dd that sounds exactly like your dd..

 

 

She sounds a lot like my middle dd. Both of my dd's are creative, but my middle one is very visual spatial and will come up with impulsive ideas that she acts on right away. She has improved. However, she drew on furniture until she was 6 or 7 (drove dh & I crazy with that one) and has cut more things than I can remember. She now has a pixie cut because she started cutting her own hair because she didn't like the way I cut it anymore (I have a limited selection of cuts--I can use a Wahl Clipper or I can cut it straight around like a bob or longer.)

 

She has a loom and yarn, but even the yarn has had to be confiscated sometimes because she likes to tie things in complex ways--dresser drawers to bunk beds to chairs, etc. Even the door knob has been involved. In fact, all her tights had to be confiscated for some recent tying activities (including one time when she tied her db to a chair with his permission--too much Hardy Boys, I guess, but dh found them first and was upset as ds couldn't move an inch), and has made some very interesting costumes out of socks, tights and clothes because many games, according to her, need costumes. She is going to spool knit and sew some pot holders for holiday gifts, which will give a good outlet for her (she's excited about it.)

 

When my dc were younger, box games were used for so many things other than what they were designed for that the boxes were ruined and the pieces lost. Most games, now, remain intact. Oh, yes, puzzle pieces have been used for doll food.

 

OH YES, my dd has an entire dresser drawer dedicated to all the people and cats, etc, she has made from model magic. It's not full, but it would be if none of them had to be confiscated to the attic for being left on the floor or broken because they were accidentally stepped on.

 

The funny thing is that this dd has an absolutely amazing ability to organize when she puts her mind to it. Too bad she spends a lot of it organizing her pencils during school time when I'm not looking. Many of her pencils have had the metal eraser holders taken off, played with, and put back on again when I've been busy with another dc. She'll play with anything just about. She is learning to pick up her stuff faster than my eldest, though.

[i.love.lucy]

She sounds a lot like my middle dd. Both of my dd's are creative, but my middle one is very visual spatial and will come up with impulsive ideas that she acts on right away. She has improved. However, she drew on furniture until she was 6 or 7 (drove dh & I crazy with that one) and has cut more things than I can remember. She now has a pixie cut because she started cutting her own hair because she didn't like the way I cut it anymore (I have a limited selection of cuts--I can use a Wahl Clipper or I can cut it straight around like a bob or longer.)

 

She has a loom and yarn, but even the yarn has had to be confiscated sometimes because she likes to tie things in complex ways--dresser drawers to bunk beds to chairs, etc. Even the door knob has been involved. In fact, all her tights had to be confiscated for some recent tying activities (including one time when she tied her db to a chair with his permission--too much Hardy Boys, I guess, but dh found them first and was upset as ds couldn't move an inch), and has made some very interesting costumes out of socks, tights and clothes because many games, according to her, need costumes. She is going to spool knit and sew some pot holders for holiday gifts, which will give a good outlet for her (she's excited about it.)

 

When my dc were younger, box games were used for so many things other than what they were designed for that the boxes were ruined and the pieces lost. Most games, now, remain intact. Oh, yes, puzzle pieces have been used for doll food.

 

OH YES, my dd has an entire dresser drawer dedicated to all the people and cats, etc, she has made from model magic. It's not full, but it would be if none of them had to be confiscated to the attic for being left on the floor or broken because they were accidentally stepped on.

 

The funny thing is that this dd has an absolutely amazing ability to organize when she puts her mind to it. Too bad she spends a lot of it organizing her pencils during school time when I'm not looking. Many of her pencils have had the metal eraser holders taken off, played with, and put back on again when I've been busy with another dc. She'll play with anything just about. She is learning to pick up her stuff faster than my eldest, though.

 

This sounds a lot like my dd, esp the tying and costume parts. She doesn't mean to destructive, but it is usually. She's grown out of it some though. They will mature, but I like all these ideas of gentle guidance.:lurk5:

[Tree House Academy]

I can relate in having a child that is all attitude, all the time. My issues with him go much deeper than the state of his room, unfortunately. I am sure that yours do too with this child. If you are set on taking away everything, the only way to do it is to box it up and take it somewhere else - grandma's house, the attic, the garage - whatever. It needs to be totally out of sight.

 

My son also has issues with taking care of his things. He breaks everything, scratches DVDs until they are not playable - just today he informed me that his Nintendo DS is no longer working...this after he already had one replacement ds (not his fault persay), and had complained that the bottom screen wasn't working either. Now the ds card slot doesn't work, so he can only play gameboy games. OH WELL. He is mad, but we will not be replacing it this time. He should have shown more care for his things all along!

[Peela]

Two different issues.....you need to keep your heart and connection with your dd wide open. Messiness is not worth ruining your relationship over. Love her anyway, find a sense of humour about it in yourself, and then....

Do whatever you need to do. I have so much empathy for my kids' messiness because I was a messy kid too. My mother used to flip every month or two and keep me in all day Saturday to clean my room. She however didnt teach me the routines and processes that are needed to be internalised to keep a room tidy.

My dd14 is unusually messy. We rent, so damage of walls is not negotiable- there would be severe consequences. She would pay for the repair herself. However, she simply doesn't care much to keep her room tidy. She gets a fair amount of pocket money a week from her dad. We made is dependent on having her room tidy Monday morning. That is fairly effective motivation for her. Its called Monday morning room inspection.

Other than that, I have learned that the only way to ensure my kids learn to keep their room tidy, and keep it tidy, is to stay on top of it myself. I have to parent the whole process over and over and over. And thats the hard part for me. Its easier to close the door.

I go in sometimes to both my TEENS rooms and tidy them myself at times. I sort through drawers. I havent done it with dd15 for quite a while- she considers it an invasion of privacy, but at 9, no problem. I disappeared things at that age regularly, too.

I still tidy ds13s room at times, in order to sort through things, toss things, get his drawers in order. He still cleans it regularly, but it takes me to really go in there and look through the nitty gritty to get it done properly every now and then.

I dont think its such a bad idea to take everything away from your dd9. But, let her earn it back if she keeps what is there tidy.

The thing is, dont ruin your relationship with her over it. Thats why i think a sense of humour helps, or stay light hearted but stern. Its not personal, its jsut what we do- keep things tidy.

[babs]

I used to be a juvenile probation officer and we often had families come to us for "intervention". Kids were not in trouble with law enforcment or courts, but were showing signs of defiance, severe apathy, destruction, or other traits that alarmed the family.

 

To take it "all away" is tough and requires great discipline on you and spouse (perhaps more than the child). You remove everything from the room. Toss out old, damaged or gross stuff. Leave the bed in the room with 1 set of linens. Leave 1 crate or dresser drawer for clothes (no more). They get 1-2 clean outfits, 1 pj, and appropriate underwear. 1 set of shoes. (nothing else). No lamps, no music, no books, no decorations... stark naked room basically.

 

You have a serious conversation about appreciation, responsibility, accountability, and expectations. Set goals (small at first) and rewards (what she EARNS back). She will be defiant at first & not try (you don't give up). AS she realizes that you are serious, she will begin to bend a bit. You let her begin to earn back clothing & furniture. As she takes care of it (laundry, cleaning, making bed), you let her have some fun stuff back. LIttle by little. If neglect begins, stop the return.

 

This is the toughest line that we taught. I dont' want ot start a debate about what a horrible person I am for even thinking this child might need something this serious. However, her issue is that she doesn't appreciate what she has, doesn't respect YOU much, and needs help/teaching/guidance.

 

While you have all the STUFF out... get rid fo some of it. The other Moms are on the button about downsizing. Our kids usually have too much junk. Less is easier to manage & the items are more special. Also makes it easier to store & clean everything.

 

Remember, this was the toughest & it does take them down to the absolute bare essentials. RESULTS... most parents couldn't handle it b/c it was more work than they were willing to do or they got tired of the whining & complaining. That is why I think it is harder for the parents.

 

I am certain that I have too much stuff and have, in turn, given my children the same curse! So, we cut back to just the essentials - I wish I had had this post when we were doing it. They were able to care for less successfully - we just had gotten too fat and needed a crash diet from materialism (in my case, that is - no hidden accusations really). It freed us up to do the things we really wanted to do. They totally get it now. I am sure we will need to have a crash diet periodically as the grandparents love to send stuff - no problem, I know what to do now! (We also get rid of old things to make way for the new.)

 

I also think we overextend ourselves with activities/social engagements. Now, I do FAR FAR less than anyone I know. I used to think I wasn't doing much because I compared myself to others and we did so much less...wrong. Instead, I have finally figured out that I have to do the math - how much time do I have in a day less the time we need to school and keep our home/things/animals equals discretionary time. This was important because they were often not being given the time to clean up as we raced to co-op, etc...

 

The above quoted poster has it right. American children are seriously lacking in responsibility! The least I can do is teach them to clean up after themselves and contribute to the home they live in...it is a starting place.

 

Hope you and your precious daughter find the way to peaceful living. I have been there! And I am hearing it from everyone lately - spring cleaning fever? Hmmm...

[Hedgehogs4]

i can't help but think that this has something to do with routine...

when cleaning and maintenance are part of a child's routine, and they know we're holding them accountable, then they have boundaries and expectations.

 

i put my kids to bed in their rooms every night and give them instructions on what they need to clean up the following morning before we start the day. clothes in the hamper, toys put away, (i help with the little one's bed), books on the shelf. admittedly it doesn't happen every day, and sometimes things get messy, but it happens often enough that they know where the limits are.

 

i like the idea of a cleaning party...allow your daughter to choose a paint color for her room and some fresh items for the walls, give her a bulletin board or something, and help her to maintain the new...you could also perhaps allow her to hold you accountable to an area of the house that you'd like to improve on, and even help you organize it. it's all in the attitude, i think.

[Storm Bay]

Two different issues.....you need to keep your heart and connection with your dd wide open. Messiness is not worth ruining your relationship over. Love her anyway, find a sense of humour about it in yourself, and then....

Do whatever you need to do. I have so much empathy for my kids' messiness because I was a messy kid too. My mother used to flip every month or two and keep me in all day Saturday to clean my room. She however didnt teach me the routines and processes that are needed to be internalised to keep a room tidy.

My dd14 is unusually messy. We rent, so damage of walls is not negotiable- there would be severe consequences. She would pay for the repair herself. However, she simply doesn't care much to keep her room tidy. She gets a fair amount of pocket money a week from her dad. We made is dependent on having her room tidy Monday morning. That is fairly effective motivation for her. Its called Monday morning room inspection.

Other than that, I have learned that the only way to ensure my kids learn to keep their room tidy, and keep it tidy, is to stay on top of it myself. I have to parent the whole process over and over and over. And thats the hard part for me. Its easier to close the door.

I go in sometimes to both my TEENS rooms and tidy them myself at times. I sort through drawers. I havent done it with dd15 for quite a while- she considers it an invasion of privacy, but at 9, no problem. I disappeared things at that age regularly, too.

I still tidy ds13s room at times, in order to sort through things, toss things, get his drawers in order. He still cleans it regularly, but it takes me to really go in there and look through the nitty gritty to get it done properly every now and then.

I dont think its such a bad idea to take everything away from your dd9. But, let her earn it back if she keeps what is there tidy.

The thing is, dont ruin your relationship with her over it. Thats why i think a sense of humour helps, or stay light hearted but stern. Its not personal, its jsut what we do- keep things tidy.

 

 

This is a great post--the routine part is so important (it's what we're working on) and thanks for mentioning going through the drawers. I have done this periodically for years, but get flack about invading my 14 yo's privacy. I haven't done hers in a while because she's gotten better with her drawers, but I've known for some time a dresser organzing by me was in order--especially since my 14 yo wants to keep all the clothes she likes on her shelves now because she claims her dresser is too full.

 

The thing is that when I clean their room, I put anything on the floor in the attic or trash (if it's trash) unless it's something they absolutely need. I also feel free to sort through their dressers, but I never toss anything in them they feel is precious that they've obviously been taking care of by having it put away.

 

The promising news is that my dd's have recently packed things up they'd like to sell in a yard sale or store so that they can have more space for the things they have in the attic. I've told them if they can keep their room tidy for one week, I'll bring something down. Then, if they keep their rooms in order for another week, we can bring something else down. This can go on for as long as they have room to store what they have in their room. My eldest as stated a number of times that when she grows up she's going to own few things to make it easier to keep things clean. We'll see, but I like the fact that they're thinking about these things.