My son flips out when his sister eats

[unsinkable]

I am at the end of my rope.

 

My 10 yo son flips out if my dd (15) eats or chews gum. He screams at her that she is trying to annoy him. He makes a huge scene at the table if he has to sit near her.

 

It is so awful. I can't stand it.

 

He does the same thing if she walks near him (anywhere we go...store, movies, amusement park...anywhere.) He says she is trying to be a jerk to him by following him around.

 

I can't believe I am writing this here but I don't know what to do anymore. I threatened to snap his DS in half if he didn't stop making a scene at a baseball game today b/c dd wanted a bag of chips.

 

He thinks that she is the problem, that she shouldn't eat near him or go near him when we're walking somewhere. As many times as we talked to him, he never has acknowledged that he is wrong for being so angry with her for what is normal behavior.

 

Please help.

[secular_mom]

therapy?

[Dirtroad]

Have you tried making him eat completely alone? Perhaps if he gets lonely enough, he will begin to show better table manners & compassion.

 

Have you restricted his privileages? Take everything away and let him "earn it back" with proper behavior.

 

I have never seen this & wish I had more ideas. Outside help may be needed. He is mad about something - perhaps that she exists even..... but he has to stop.

 

I am so sorry. Best wishes and I hope it works out soon.

[Cindy in NY]

This probably won't make you feel any better, but what you are describing reminded me of a show I saw last week. It is a new series called "Obsessed" about people with OCD. A young lady on the show had a terrible aversion to her mother and brothers hands and hearing her mother say the 'K' sound.

 

It was not something I would have ever thought of as being an OCD issue. She sought behavioral therapy and it did help her.

 

Just a thought.

[WishboneDawn]

On the off chance...Is he usually the one beside her when she's eating? I used to hate having someone right beside me who was eating because I had pretty sensitive hearing and it was really annoying (and some people are noisier eaters then others. The same with someone talking right into my ear.

 

Maybe have a talk about how it feels when he's hearing her eat and see if he might be more sensitive. At least it might draw his attention to the fact that the trouble is his perception, not his sister and then you two might be able to figure out some ways to address his problem like changing the dinner table seating arrangement. Even if he doesn't truly have a sensitivity problem, framing it that way might give him an out to save some face.

 

I'd still address his behaviour though. Anytime he acted out I'd calmly tell him to leave the table and anytime you're out and about I'd be prepared to take him back to the car or home at the first sign of attitude. Hearing trouble or not, the world should stop for him when he treats his sister that badly.

[runamuk]

Our oldest daughter had this problem with everyone in the family, but complained the most about my husband's chewing, breathing, and moving (wiggling his foot, rocking in a chair, any repetative motions). She was finally diagnosed with Asperberger's (after being diagnosed as ADHD, OCD, ODD, anxiety issues, and depression). She's got other sensory issues, as well - certain tastes and textures will set her to gagging and throwing up and she can only tolerate certain fabrics against her skin. By the time she was diagnosed, she was too old for Occupational or Physical Therapy to be truly beneficial, but the OT/PT she's had has been a little helpful. She's able to sit at the dinner table with us and is able to wear socks with her shoes (the seams would irritate her toes).

 

If it's possible, have him see a pediatric psychologist or a behavioral psychologist. With early enough intervention (whether or not this is Asperger's), he can get some help and you can get some relief. (HUG)

[TracyR]

I would definitely say its time for some therapy intervention. Since he is exhibiting paranoia something is going on.

[MelanieM]

Have you asked him what he would suggest? What ideas can he come up with to help himself work through this? Perhaps you could have a family meeting and brainstorm ideas, allowing everyone to have their say about ideas to overcome this. The key here is to reserve judgement and encourage open dialog, allowing for even the most outrageous ideas to be put on the table. Hopefully some creative solutions will be presented, or at the very least, your son will gain some valuable feedback from everyone else on how his behaviour is affecting the rest of the family.

 

I will say that I am highly sensitive to things like noise when people are eating, and other 'human' activities like that. For example, my daughter and husband both have a habit lately of constantly humming as they go about their day. Now, this might sound like no big deal, but I can't even explain to you how very, very troublesome it is for me. There are times when I feel like I might crawl out of my skin from listening to it! Yet I know this is about me, and that it is unfair to be unkind to them for doing something that really isn't that big of a deal. So my challenge is to come up with ways to cope. Sometimes that means putting on ear phones, removing myself from the room, asking them nicely for some quiet time, etc. Thankfully, they know I'm a quirky crazy lady that loves them, and mostly we're trying to laugh about it all.

 

I'm also working on these types of things using EFT. You can read more about that process here: http://www.emofree.com Basically, it's like a needle-free form of acupuncture, and it's very effective for emotional release. I have had success with this when I'm feeling really overwhelmed by some quirky thing my daughter is up to.

 

To the poster that mentioned a relationship to OCD... that's very, very interesting! I had many OCD tendencies as a child, and most of them have since left me. However, this type of sensitivity is something I still work on regularly. I hadn't thought of the connection before, but it makes sense.

 

Best of luck to you and your family! I'm sure you will find a way to navigate through this that honours you all.

[mcconnellboys]

Wow, I definitely think you need to seek therapy for this. It sounds like it could be OCD, paranoia, or perhaps even something more. I think you definitely need professional advice.

[kalanamak]

As many times as we talked to him, he never has acknowledged that he is wrong for being so angry with her for what is normal behavior.

 

Please help.

 

Did this come out of the blue? Kid tolerates everyone else? Teen isn't doing horrible things behind his back, like making horrid faces or whispering insults? I recall a brother, who shall remain nameless, passing gas in my face at every chance he got.

 

My brother had a phase where he could NOT stand me, but he was 5 years older than me and he started it at about 14 or 15. I recall being unable to practice the recorder, and actually going outside and climbing a tree to do so. He came out and shouted at me in the tree. He was a late bloomer :). We are good pals now, but he called me The Missing Link.

 

My mother once said the conflicts between her children were the worst part of her entire life, and advised me to have one child, and a second 18 years later. She was dead serious.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I am at the end of my rope.

 

My 10 yo son flips out if my dd (15) eats or chews gum. He screams at her that she is trying to annoy him. He makes a huge scene at the table if he has to sit near her.

 

It is so awful. I can't stand it.

 

He does the same thing if she walks near him (anywhere we go...store, movies, amusement park...anywhere.) He says she is trying to be a jerk to him by following him around.

 

I can't believe I am writing this here but I don't know what to do anymore. I threatened to snap his DS in half if he didn't stop making a scene at a baseball game today b/c dd wanted a bag of chips.

 

He thinks that she is the problem, that she shouldn't eat near him or go near him when we're walking somewhere. As many times as we talked to him, he never has acknowledged that he is wrong for being so angry with her for what is normal behavior.

 

Please help.

 

Hmmm. This seems like normal sibling stuff to me. I remember growing up with my four brothers, that they really got on my nerves sometimes!

 

My 11yods gets really bothered by his sisters. His older sister (12yo) eats too loudly, and her food stinks (Cheerios). His little sister (3yo) copies him constantly, and follows him around. Together, they make him nuts! :)

 

He was terrible at 10, but he's gotten much better this year. He's 11 1/2, and has really grown up a lot since last year. We can reason with him, or he'll voluntarily go eat in the school room (dining room). Or, we'll just tell him to plug that ear (the one closest to whichever sister is bothering him), and start eating. After a minute or two, when his blood sugar levels go up a bit, he is much better able to cope with little annoyances.

 

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there is something terribly wrong. It might just be a phase. Or, pay attention to what else is going on when he's having an "episode". Is he hungry? Tired? Does it happen a certain time each day? Is it worse after a busy day? Do certain foods seem to trigger his episodes? I'd start keeping a log of these kinds of things. They're things the doctor will want to know anyway, if you decide to have him seen. But, you might notice a pattern you can correct with diet or other measures.

[Cricket]

Hmmm. This seems like normal sibling stuff to me. I remember growing up with my four brothers, that they really got on my nerves sometimes!

 

My 11yods gets really bothered by his sisters. His older sister (12yo) eats too loudly, and her food stinks (Cheerios). His little sister (3yo) copies him constantly, and follows him around. Together, they make him nuts! :)

 

He was terrible at 10, but he's gotten much better this year. He's 11 1/2, and has really grown up a lot since last year. We can reason with him, or he'll voluntarily go eat in the school room (dining room). Or, we'll just tell him to plug that ear (the one closest to whichever sister is bothering him), and start eating. After a minute or two, when his blood sugar levels go up a bit, he is much better able to cope with little annoyances.

 

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there is something terribly wrong. It might just be a phase. Or, pay attention to what else is going on when he's having an "episode". Is he hungry? Tired? Does it happen a certain time each day? Is it worse after a busy day? Do certain foods seem to trigger his episodes? I'd start keeping a log of these kinds of things. They're things the doctor will want to know anyway, if you decide to have him seen. But, you might notice a pattern you can correct with diet or other measures.

 

I'm glad you posted this because I was beginning to freak out! :001_smile: Our 11 yo ds does this a lot. As soon as he sits down at the table he starts harping on our 5 yo dd to close her mouth when she chews. He is easily annoyed by her more than anyone else. Like you say, once he starts eating and focuses on something else besides her, he's fine. I had to :lol: when you said "her food stinks" because he goes on and on about the smell of refried beans. The girls love beans and he hates them. Sometimes I swear he looks for things to be annoyed about! A few times he's been excused from the table and had to eat after we were all done because he wouldn't stop getting upset with his siblings. Generally, he's an easygoing type but he has his moments!

[Peela]

Umm, my dh is a bit like this ;). So is ds13. I also wouldn't necessarily think it is extreme- it may be a phase, he may literally just be sensitive to the noise she makes. he may need more physical spac than normal and she may walk too close to him. My husband simply won't allow gum in our house, and it really irritates him if someone chews with their mouth open or eats an apple near him. Not that I had met anyone like that before him, but it kind of seems normal now :)

I woulnd't expect your son to change..he probably can't. I like the idea others suggested of opening a non judgemental dialogue on how to deal with it so he doesnt keep losing his temper.

 

Gum may be normal in the U.S.- (I can only go on what TV shows) but it is considered quite rude to chew gum in other parts of the world, and I am sensitive to when it is appropriate with my kids.

[emmsmama]

If he normally has a good relationship with his sister I'd say it's likely that he has sensory issues. I have them to a certain extent. If someone is making repetitive noises it sometimes drives me bonkers where I have to ask them to stop or leave the room. Certain clothing bugs me if it's around my neck.

 

My dd also has sensory issues. We used to have HUGE battles about her wearing underwear to school. Seams on pants often bug her or if they don't sit just right. Sounds often bug her to the point where she is in tears if the person doesnsn't stop. I find it to be worse in the winter and she is almost 10 now so she can try to do things to avoid things bugging her so much, but it's usually an issue at least once a day in one way or another.

 

There are books you can get out - "The Out of Sync Child" comes to mind. I haven't read it yet myself but I probably should :)

 

I have a close family member with OCD and I can't say if there is a correlation btwn. OCD and sensory issues, but I can say that they are two totally different things. Someone with sensory issues is bothered by sounds or textures because they find them irritating, someone with OCD will touch things or not touch things, repeat things, etc. because they feel like they have to, usually because they feel like something bad will happen if they don't. So with OCD it's more of a fear and guilt thing even though the person often realizes that their fear is nonsensical (ex. someone who drives over a bump on the road and is petrified they hit someone, so they drive around in circles again and again to make sure they didn't really hit someone - even though they know that logically they just hit a bump and not a person) - it's called the "doubting disease" for a very good reasone. With sensory issues it's more like a person has trouble blocking out sensations, whether they are light, touch, sound, taste, texture, etc.

 

With someone with sensory issues you have to tread carefully not to squash the person who has them. If your son really does have sensory issues, then he's not trying to upset you or out to get his sister. I have minor sensory issues and still sometimes I want to climb the wall over something someone near me is doing. Ex. Right now my son is playing with a toy and making the same screechy sound over and over again and I want to scream, but I'm an adult now so I can control a bit better my reaction to the extreme annoyance :) With dd we make it clear that she can't yell at her brother if he is aggravating her, but she can politely ask him to stop clicking his tongue, humming, etc.. If that doesn't work and it's possible for her to leave the situation then we ask her to do that. I do my best to accomadate her clothing issues, but sometimes she just has to wear something that bugs her (because everything else is in the wash, etc.) and usually once she's distracted with something else then it doesn't bother her so much that she's wearing something she feels is uncomfortable.

 

Definitely check out a book or find a support group for sensory issues though so you can a) find out if that is what is bothering your son b) if it is, get some help and c) if it isn't then you can try to find other help for him.

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

I write this from an admittedly biased viewpoint of a sister that had a very harshly critical brother while growing up. I certainly am not trying to say that your situation mirrors my past.

 

I have not read all of the previous posts so if I'm missing info or am being redundant on some points please excuse me.

I'm also trying to address this as if I were addressing the situation in my family, so when I say I or dh or ds, I'm speaking as if it were me.

 

 

My older brother emotionally attacked me my entire growing up years by constantly making comments about me being fat, ugly, stupid,horrible to be around, a slob. He knew where I was vulnerable and, like any good opponent, took advantage of my weak spots.

 

Thankfully, through years of counseling and maturity on both of our parts , I have a much different relationship with him as an adult. How I --and he--wish it could have been different for both of us in our childhood.

 

 

I believe you need much much more information from your son about his situation. It obviously bothers him and he would like it-something- different.

 

Knowing more can help you determine if he's just having an extreme case of insensitive sibling annoyance gone wild, if there might be sensory issues that he needs help addressing, or if he has an antagonistic anger towards his sister that is driving these comments.

 

It can also make him realize that you consider his feelings/concerns important and take them seriously.

 

I or maybe my husband would take ds to a neutral place away from home. I'd make sure that we had all the time in the world to talk-

 

Ok, this is weird-I edited here and can't get rid of this space!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My goal would be to get information from him but also connection.

 

I'd start with how I felt --how much I love the both of them----my vision of how our family love show itself----loving family memories--why building our family's love is critical--family issues we've had and overcome before--

---how we can never take our family's love for granted--indeed we truly can't even take our family's physical presence for granted. (Not to guilt him out or frighten/threaten him but to evoke an awareness that nothing-not even our family being here on earth is- guaranteed)

 

If I thought he was receptive--from a spiritual viewpoint I would ask him how it feels inside when he says these things--how he imagines his sister might feel to hear this attacks----how it imagines it would be if someone he admires were to hear him hurt his sister this way-

 

-Forgive me is you would prefer not to have religious advice and feel free to skip-- -I how much love , compassion ,and nonjudgment Jesus(or other spiritual leader)would have for him(after all, he might relate easily becasue he could have had his own big sister issues !) but also how very sad spiritual leader would feel because he would know that these comments would almost have to come from ds's pain and unhappiness-because happy peaceful content individuals don't deliberately wound others over and over

 

how very much spiritual leader would want to help heal ds's pain and make it go away--very much you also want to help *gently*has there been or is there even now events/actions happening to him that creates this pain--something that perhaps he has been afraid/ashamed/uncomfortable to tell you? Is someone else possibly hurting or scaring him-kids or adults?

 

I would talk about how it hurts inside to see this bitter discord between him and his sister--how you are wondering what could have happened--possibly I might even tell him that I wonder sometimes if perhaps I contributed to this situation by doing something or maybe failing to act in some way that helped create this animosity between him and his sister (I don't think that's the case--but it opens the idea to him that you are prepared to address this as a family problem not just HIS problem)--how you know what a loving heart he has and how he must feel this emotions strongly to make such hurtful comments--and how you want to spend the time to try and understand his viewpoint

 

 

Then logistical questions

 

Is it anyone's eating that bothers him or just his sister's eating? Is it always an annoyance or just at times? What does he think would make it better? Can he make positive suggestions about changes or does he just that he wants her to stop eating or eat away from him? What makes her eating different from yours or your husbands or any of the other siblings or even friend's that might eat with your family?

 

If it were a perfect world and he could have this situatuion his way, what would it be like? How would he change it? I'd try to get him to be very specific. about changes he would want. {recognizing of course it isn't a perfect world and just because he wants it doesn't mean its going to happen} Sometimes it's easy to just feel annoyed with another person and frankly, there's nothing the other person can do to change that annoying feelin; other times simple enviroment and/or behaviorchanges from the other person can easily alter the whole situation. At your table is she next to or directly across from him, as in his direct line of vision?

 

In your opinion does she need coaching on eating etiquette?

Truthfully, some people's eating habits do bother me--a lot. Still, that wouldn't make his hurtful comments okay.

 

I have a hard time seeing how chips at a BB game could bother him to the degree you describe. Unless she's on purpose munching in his ear or throwing crumbs at him or doing a food look-see. None of which is unknown in sibling behavior--male or female.

 

This is obviously a big issue for him and he needs to part of a working solution. If he is unable to share this type of information with you or your husband verbally or in writing, then I would let him that there is a family issue not only of the hurtful comments to his sister but also with family communication .

 

Venting to you or dh in private can be appropiate and helpful. However, I would absolutelyrefuse to let him voice those complaints around family/ others/to his friends if I overheard. I'd send him from the room, send friends home or leave park, etc , instantly stop any conversation in which he starts attacking his sister. (I'm not addressing the walking issue becasue I think the eating is more crucial and well, almost every brother/ sister I know has the don't walk next to me theme.)

 

Darling son, I don't understand what you are saying. I'm (g/ma, dad, sister, etc) eating next to sister and don't see/hear anything unpleasant.

 

Darlling son, I truly find it interesting that ONLY you of all of our family and friends find sister's eating a difficulty. Why do you think that is?

 

Darling son, I frankly find your unkind criticisms about your sister much more disturbing and difficult to swallow than any possible poor manners could ever be.

 

Darling son, i f you unable to refrain from creating a hurtful--unloving--antagonistic-unpleasant (take your choice) atmosphere, you will need to leave and go to your room . Eating together with my family in a loving and peaceful atmosphere is one of my pleasures as a mom and I really can't have you interfere with my pleasure.

 

Darling son, words speak much about our character. What do you think your words are saying about your character? If you heard friend Johnny's mother saying this abour your good friend Johnny, how would you feel about her as a person?

 

If dh and I couldn't find ways to make this situation significantly better , I personally would seek family counseling for this immediately. Eating is a fundamental essential part of living---and he begrudges his sister this crucial part of living?

 

I would be concerned about your daughter's feelings in this as well. Even if she is an older teen and discounts her younger brother's opinion, I can't imagine how it would feel to be judged negatively for a most basic essential part of life. And typically, teen aged girls judge themselves critically enough--they don't need help!

 

 

As I wrote above, I was scarred emotionally by my my older brother's teasing/attacks/comments and it has affected me to this day in many many ways. And I'm almost 50. Much of the time this was happening in my childhood, I was told that I had to get tougher 'cause that's just the way sibling were with each other.

I don't believe that to be true, and I don't teach my teen aged children that either.

 

What I didn't learn until much much later in life is that my brother was in such severe emotional pain--so terribly horribly unhappy for terribly horrible reasons I can't elaborate on. Striking out at someone else from that pain was one of the few ways he had to try and diminish that pain. It didn't work but he was a kid and didn't know what else to do.

 

How I wish that someone had taken the time to connect with my brother--to ask him questions like the above and listen to his answers--to be his champion and help him work to resolve his unhappiness and to show him that there are other ways to alleviate pain without emotionally abusing others.

 

Your children are lucky to have you. From your posts it's clear that you have the resources and strength to guide your children through this.

 

Blessings

 

Nandell

Edited June 8, 2009 by homeschoolin'mygirls
clarification

[unsinkable]

I want to thank everyone who responded. It took me a while to post this b/c it is such an intense situation that I had to give it some space before I posted.

 

I never considered that hearing things could be so disturbing.

 

I am really still thinking this all through but I wanted to add that during the incident at the ball game on Sun. my ds dragged a chair away from my dd & I, curled in a ball with his arms over his ears & fell asleep. So maybe it is the noise.

 

And that night, I noticed my dd running to the TV to change it off this certain channel that she says hurts her head (it's AV1). The boys say she has never been able to handle hearing this channel.

 

So they both have hearing sensitivity. :bigear:

 

I know that they all have skin sensitivity. (Socks, collars, long sleeves bother all 3 of my kids) I just never thought that hearing could be part of this.

 

Thanks again everyone. :grouphug: