Getting to know a new pastor -- what do you suggest?

[Kay in Cal]

Many of you probably know that I'm a Methodist pastor... my dh is a SAHD. We're right in the middle of a transition to a new church. We'll move into the new house June 15, but my first Sunday won't be until the 2nd Sunday of June.

 

In our denomination pastors are appointed by the bishop--meaning that the church doesn't know me, doesn't know much about me, and I've only met a few people a couple of times. I come in pretty much cold on that first Sunday--will never have seen their worship service. I've been meeting with the previous pastor, and with my new associate pastor. This will be the fourth church I have served, so I've done these transitions before...

 

I'll be meeting with all the small groups in the church, there will be some small social gatherings, and I'm planning to have sign ups for lunch/breakfast/coffee one on one with individual members.

 

You all have so much wisdom! From your perspective, what would be helpful for a new pastor to do/know?

[phathui5]

You could invite each family over for dinner.

[Jayne J]

From experience, I'd say let the church know how much time you have for personal visiting, etc. What I mean is this--we had a Pastor who was married with 4 children. The kids were all involved in sports and activities, and our Pastor was frequently occupied with supporting his children and living family life. No one was offended or neglected, mind you!! When he was called to another church, he was replaced by a wonderful single female Pastor. Because we'd all been used to our previous Pastor's busy family life, we neglected to consider the differences, and she ended up experiencing a high level of stress, loneliness and isolation. We all assumed she was as busy as the previous Pastor, and didn't want to "bother" her.

So, your new church may like to know what your needs are in terms of personal visiting etc. It's always ticklish wondering if your Pastor really enjoys visits etc, or is performing a "church duty.":D

[hillfarm]

I think one thing that would help would be to familiarize yourself with the demographics of your new location and the congregation in general.

 

This is kind of a difficult subject for me. We have had our "new" pastor at our church for nearly 2 years now and yet I feel that he hardly knows me or my family. Early on I tried to be especially helpful (going in and handfolding all the order of service pages, since his wife was used to having a folding machine at their old church, helping with bulletin boards, etc.), but as soon as they got the folding machine and the pastor's wife took over the boards, I was summarily dismissed.

 

Sometimes it seems more like a socioeconomic thing, other times like a lifestyle thing, yet other times more political, but the result is that dh and I feel a great deal of distance between ourselves and this new pastor. He is a city boy and we are farmers. It seems that he has connected well to the suburban professionals in our congregation, but we farmers feel very left out. BTW, it's not just me--in the presence of the pastor, his wife recently implied that the reason I wasn't going to come to her Mother's Day event was because my dh wouldn't watch our dd (which he often does if I need to be away) and that he wouldn't feed the horses for me (which we sold two years ago). I opened my mouth, prepared to give her an update, but just stood there gaping when she referred to my dh by the wrong name! What does it matter if she doesn't understand our family dynamics or know about our livestock if she doesn't even know who we are? It seems as though she and the pastor know nothing of us and although they seem to find time to chat frequently with a "select group" who are similar to them, they rebuff those of us who are different. It feels like a club has formed and we are definitely NOT in it.

 

Perhaps you could avoid a situation like this by really making the rounds of all the small groups that regularly meet and being sure to make ways to connect with those who don't belong to any of the groups also (perhaps invite 3 or 4 of those families to coffee and dessert after evening services every couple of weeks). We are on a couple of committees and dh teaches Sunday School, but apparently after two years they still don't know his name. I am trying not to take all this too personally but after a couple of years like this, we have decided to start looking for a new home church this summer.

 

So based on my experience, I would recommend making the effort to meet each family in your new congregation if possible and not to make assumptions about their lives.

[Kay in Cal]

I would enjoy that... but I think my dh would have a heart attack! He's an introvert, big time. I do plan on having an open house some time this fall--AFTER we are all moved in.

[Kay in Cal]

Good advice. The previous pastor has 2 kids the same age as mine--I think the main difference is that his wife is also a pastor, though she has been on leave for a few years. I know he does pick up kids from school etc...

[Kay in Cal]

I know it can be hard to get to know a new person... hopefully after 2 years I won't still feel "new".

 

Demographically this will be a big change for us. I've been serving in a multi-cultural, multi-ethnic urban church. Our new congregation is a suburban, almost rural, church that is almost entirely anglo. I don't think there are any farmers in the church, but I can guess that it would be tough for me to really understand that life. I'm a pretty urban creature!

[Carol in Cal.]

I would pray that God will bless whomever you are working with/meeting with, and that He will work through you with them.

 

I would continue by a practice that I just started this year, which I'm kind of shy about mentioning, but here goes (because it has been wonderful for me): Praising God in advance, not just for the good but for the bad, about each meeting or event that you're going to. I have found that when I walk in in thankfulness, everything changes, in a good way. I don't think it's because I'm thankful, though--I think it's because of what God has been pleased to do at that point. Not that I made Him do it, but He has been kind enough to give me that gift, hitherto.

 

Rats, I knew I would say that in an awkward way. But it has been so great for me this year.

 

From a tangible standpoint, when we had a new pastor arrive about 8 years ago, his wife held a cookie exchange at the church, like an open house. It was for all the women of the congregation. I don't know whether a woman pastor should do something like that or not, but it was a very successful event and got everyone mixing and friendly. It was extremely well-attended.

[Kathy in MD]

Our current minister met with small, independent groups to discuss what activities they would like the church do. This gave the shy ones a bit of cover and a subject to discuss. It also shortened the amount of time the minister needed to meet almost everyone.

 

His also appeared fairly frequently at first with the youth groups. He was also a lot of fun and interacted well with the youth. I think one early activity was an ice cream eating contest. Well, it was supposed to be a social, except they had ice cream troughs instead of individual dishes. It quickly turned into a competition. Ds loved it. I forget if he won or our minister, but they were going head to head. I do think the minister started it,though :001_tt2:

 

Because of the culture change, be open and look for different groups ask them to show or tell you something of their background and views. Participate in some of their activities. Push to find out your congregation's background. It may be more diverse than you think.

 

an off topic question. When did the Methodists start refering to their ministers as pastors? Why? I admit, I hate to use the term pastor because of some bad associations whe I was young. I'm not stubborn or anything ;)

[Chris in VA]

One thing that dh (Episcopal priest) did after a few months was to have a forum at coffee hour time (between services, social time), and ask people to brainstorm what they would like to see at the church. He has a vestry (I think you guys have elders, right? ;) I don't know much about UMC, tho I've worked in their preschools for many years! lol) and they are all heads of the committees we have. Anyway, one person acted as a scribe, and we went thru each committee/area of church life. People raised their hands and dh called on them, and then they each articulated their idea/vision for the church in that area.

 

It was a way to see what people thought, what they valued, and what they saw as possible. Perhaps something similar would help you see where people would like the church to "go." Of course, seeking God is first, but some people have done that, and would love it if someone would ask them what they heard from him.

 

As far as individuals go, I try to be the person our new assistant can go to to find out some things about the church "culture"--you know, the unwritten rules, customs, "Way it's always been done" kind of stuff, as well as some of the history behind people's reactions or whatever. In other words, clean gossip. Sort of. I try not to break confidences, not gossip, but still share my opinion. For example, our assistant called me to ask which of two dinners (a week apart--our congregation loves to eat) was better for her and her husband to attend. I could tell her what was typically served, who went to each, which was better attended, etc. Not really gossip (I regret posting that! lol), but just, like I said, culture stuff. Anyway, see if someone will help you out in that area. Just don't take everything they say as Gospel. We've already got one of those...lol

[Kay in Cal]

I like the idea about hanging out with youth. They have volunteer leaders, but not a full time youth minister at this time. I'm excited about a new band starting up that is all youth.

 

Hmmm... well, when I describe my profession, I always say minister, but most churches I know of call their minister Pastor whomever. I think they are kind of interchangable. In England, I'd be a vicar!

[Kay in Cal]

Ah yes... will you be my informer on the inside? Lol!

 

It does feel strange to be going someplace where I won't know anyone. I know relationships take time to build, and those first few months will be tough.

[MyThreeSons]

How about something like a church-wide ice cream social with picnic-type games? Three-legged race, tug-0f-war, etc. It's great to see people when they're more relaxed.

 

Please don't make too many changes too quickly! As you do get to know people, ask and really listen to what they have to say about what they like and don't like.

[Starr]

The advice I've heard by our most respected priestly mentor is to make short home visits. This works well in smaller communities. (Not so easy in NYC.) Go by yourself so they get to know you as their pastor and you will get to know them even better in their own setting. Enjoy!

[KristenS]

Good luck!

 

Can you get the current pastor to mail you a copy of the Sunday bulletin so you can at least see how they format things? That would sure help you out.

 

I've had pastors never visit. Sometimes it bugs me, sometimes not. I speak to our current pastor fairly regularly in church, so I don't feel slighted that we haven't had a home visit. And I work with his wife in my daughter's Sunday School class.

 

As a Methodist myself, I wish you luck on moving day. Hugs! I don't know how you all coordinate this and show up all ready to go on Sunday, I really don't.

 

An after-church potluck to welcome you would be a nice move on the part of the congregation. This is a two-way street ... they are supposed to welcome you, you aren't supposed to have to do all the work. This is their church, and you are being brought in. They should be enveloping you with love and welcome and lots of dinner invitations. :)

[Caroline]

When we got a new minister when I was in high school, her first Sunday, she announced that her goal was to eat with every family. So we all started inviting her and her family over for dinner. Her family didn't always go with her. She also went on the Appalachia Service Project with the youth that summer. She was the adult leader in my group.

 

Kay, often your posts make me think of this minister. She was the one who performed my wedding ceremony. From our suburban Maryland church, she went to a church in NYC, kind of the opposite of what you are doing. (Oh, and she was PCUSA, not Methodist. My church was both United Methodist and PC USA.)

[2greatkids]

My husband (and I guess I :D) Just took over a new church.

I have been watching this thread.. thanks for all the great ideas!

[Stacy in NJ]

I've been serving in a multi-cultural, multi-ethnic urban church. Our new congregation is a suburban, almost rural, church that is almost entirely anglo. I don't think there are any farmers in the church, but I can guess that it would be tough for me to really understand that life. I'm a pretty urban creature!

 

 

Have you actually seen the congregation? I ask because our semi-rural Presbyterian congregation, located in an almost entirely white neighborhood, is quite diverse. Many asians, specifically Koreans, are Presbyterians.

 

If your congregation is large, it's quite possible it maybe diverse even though it's located in a largely white area. I didn't use the term anglo because one can be white and not anglo at all. At least, that's what my Scottish, Irish, Polish, and Italian relatives would tell you.

 

Good luck at your new position.:001_smile:

[Kay in Cal]

Thanks for all the great ideas and support, all! I'm just back from a meeting today with staff at my new church. Went well!

 

I love the idea of encouraging families to invite us over, even if I go by myself. Not that I don't enjoy hosting, but 200 dinners seem like a lot to plan for!

[MyThreeSons]

I love the idea of encouraging families to invite us over, even if I go by myself. Not that I don't enjoy hosting, but 200 dinners seem like a lot to plan for!

 

If you do this, make it clear that you don't expect fancy or formal. Sub sandwiches, hot dogs, soup and salad (later in the year), something easy and simple. Or maybe a few families could get together at a time this summer, when the kids can be outside. Maybe not even a full meal -- coffee and dessert, or a homemade ice cream social, in the evening would give you a chance to visit without stressing your hosts too much.