In my personal view (not affected by religion, as I am agnostic) I will always call any adult by their preferred pronouns as a matter of courtesy. For teens and children, I will not. The teen years, according to Erik Erikson, encompass the psychosocial developmental stage of identity vs confusion. This is when they are trying to figure out who they are, their ideas of themselves are still changing, and this time is strongly influenced by peer groups. After age 20 or so, there is a shift away from looking to peers for guidance, and a better understanding of one's internal self. So I do not believe it is a kindness to add to the confusion, and I do believe that using the right pronouns is a panacea that will not actually fix the true issues. Love, compassion, support, treating the person as someone worthy and able to do worthy things with their life apart from gender imo is the best place to start. Pronouns can come later.

There aren't a ton of good long term studies of suicidal risks, but here are a couple: https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0016885 Long term (30 years) study of 324 Swedish patients who had Sexual Reassignment Surgery. Results showed "Persons with transsexualism, after sex reassignment, have considerably higher risks for mortality, suicidal behaviour, and psychiatric morbidity than the general population. Our findings suggest that sex reassignment, although alleviating gender dysphoria, may not suffice as treatment for transsexualism, and should inspire improved psychiatric and somatic care after sex reassignment for this patient group." A study from Amsterdam https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7317390/ of a cohort of 8263 referrals between 1972-2017 showed "no increase in suicide death risk over time and even a decrease in suicide death risk in trans women. However, the suicide risk in transgender people is higher than in the general population and seems to occur during every stage of transitioning."

You're right that it did veer off and for that I am sorry for contributing to this Quill. The notion that the thoughts offered here, though, are verging into conversion therapy is pretty offensive, tbh. I'm pretty sure conversion therapy is harmful because it is aimed at LGB is specifically about forcing one to change their sexual orientation. Applying that to gender dysphoria trivializes the many contributing factors that are involved and the huge medical burden it entails. NOT the same thing.

There are statistics that show that 80 percent of kids experiencing gender dysphoria, even at a young age, will desist at some point. The podcast i mentioned earlier is cohosted by a woman Stella O'Malley who was CONVINCED she was a boy from the ages of 3-10. Surgery wasn't as common when she was younger, and after lots of hard work during and after puberty she became okay with her gender. She is now a happy mom of two and is so grateful there was no early medical intervention.

@KSera Although she is booked up for over a year, Sasha Ayad has a wonderful podcast called Gender: A Wider Lens. She and a fellow therapist (Stella O'malley) spend a few episodes talking about what gender exploration therapy looks like, and they give a lot of advice to parents who are in the journey. They are extremely compassionate and their focus these last five years or so of their practices have been teens in gender distress. There are parents support groups too that supposedly have lists of non affirmation therapists, though they are few and far between and usually booked up as well. They give suggestions for what to do if you can't get a therapist, or suggest to at least find a generalist who will help develop the teen as a whole person, rather than focusing on gender as the root of the issue. It's not a substitute but it's at least a start.

Scott Newgent, a 42 year old transman and founder of TRE Voices against the medicalization of minors, has a video on how to tell your teenagers, lovingly, why you will not call them by their preferred pronouns. He is very against it because of basic developmental psychology of children and teens.

NM Sending PM

Coming late to this thread -- this was the first "real" year for my son to take AP's (he took Computer Science Principles in 7th for the experience). He took Calc BC and AP Chem -- self studying the Chem from taking Connie's Honors Chem last year, and he took AOPS Calc class this year. He had to do a lot of prep for both, as the Calc class (as all AOPS classes do) went deep but without a lot of review, and of course it had been a full year since he took Connie's class. So six weeks before he started studying and took around five practice tests each. He took the May 24 and 25 exams and felt pretty good about them. He used Princeton Review books for both classes and felt like he was adequately prepared. So we are crossing our fingers! When we talked about which form to take it in, he decided to do paper because of the whole not being able to go back. He was glad in the middle of test prepping after he tried to do online test practice and really struggled. So paper worked best for him!

If the Adderall isn't working I would think one of two things -- either Adderall just doesn't work for him, OR the depression/anxiety isn't lowered enough. My daughter is also on 10 mg of Lexapro and it has helped a lot. It takes about a month or so to kick in. She hated Adderall -- she only took it once and it first made her fall asleep and then when she woke up she was horribly anxious and paranoid. One time was enough for her. She did Ritalin for a year, but it's still not good to her -- she gets kickback anxiety when it wears off. The Vyvanse is the best. She knows when it kicks in and she can task activate. However being really behind and feeling like you can't catch up can't just be overcome by meds. She's always managed through personality as well -- she will contact professors, ask for extensions, make decisions on which papers she can do the least on, what can be studied the least before an exam, etc. But she also LOVES academics, so she always manages to pull it off even when she's living so close to the edge. If she didn't love academics, I really don't know what would happen, honestly. She really HAS to be interested in what she's doing to be able to do it. It's literally an on off switch with her. She taught herself a ton using the How to ADHD videos and reading books. She uses a bullet journal to track daily routines, assignments, and her moods and thoughts for the day so she can look back and see when she is most depressed or anxious. She creates a lot of routines so she doesn't get lost in a time warp -- morning routines that include yoga and exercise, sometimes meal prepping on the weekends. The exercise is hugely important to mood and EF -- alternately running with yoga and throwing in meditation all seem to help. But it all still feels to her like she has to do a TON, and if she misses a step it might throw her off completely. And she never does get it perfect of course, she she has had to learn to forgive herself when she does make mistakes. And none of the routines really work without the right meds. So that might be where the issue is right now. Problems always will crop up too -- she's had a diagnosis for almost four years but it is still very much a work in progress. Things like putting electronics out of her room at night and using her apple watch to listen to podcasts to sleep -- that step took a lot of experimentation to find what worked. Books don't work -- she will literally finish the book. She has deleted tumblr and reddit off her phone -- she can start making a post and then find herself still sitting in the bathroom with the shower running an hour later finishing writing a post. Eek. For academics, changing the place she does homework frequently, working around other people that are studying, putting readings into some type of app that will read it aloud as an audiobook has helped -- she's tried a lot of different things. She's also had to drop classes, take some pass fail, and just took an incomplete last quarter. So it will never be "fixed", even though it is better! If it is an EF coach that doesn't know adhd, I would think it wouldn't be helpful. She has to use a lot of different work arounds that are specific to adhd. The times she sought out just Neurotypical type help with EF just made her feel worse.

I agree with previous posters. I have had two goldens, one that passed away when it was 8, and our last one -- our best dog ever -- just passed away at 10. The first died at home in my arms and not only was it traumatic, it was also logistically difficult to have an 85 pound dead dog with husband deployed and 3 young kids. This last time he was feeling badly, had stopped eating, I took him in and they said he had only hours to live. They put him down in the office after we said our goodbyes. It was still hard to say goodbye, but much easier than if he had been at home. It really does sound like it might be time. So sorry Dawn.

I think the degree of violence (domestic or child) definitely is an important nuance, but dismissing low violence or low occurrence as not worthy of being acknowledged doesn't do justice to figuring out how corrosive any type of abuse is in a family. For instance, I would most likely score pretty low on an ACE test, I come from a very stable childhood, and have a very good relationship now with my parents. My parents are very good and well - meaning people, though they struggled very heavily with severe anxiety for much of their lives. Because they were Southern Baptist, they learned all their child raising techniques through religion and therefore I was spanked with a leather belt. I found it very traumatic. I am most likely quirky (I have adhd and autism in my family) and struggled when young with self regulation, was very oppositional from what family members have said, and very often my difficult to control impulsivity would lead to me being spanked with the belt. My mom and I fought all the time, often explosively, and she would pinch my arms when she was really angry. Not only that, her feelings were paramount in the house and we often had to walk on eggshells so as not to set her off. So now that I write all that, it was a pretty miserable household and I am not surprised both my sister and I had eating disorders and I self harmed. But it's not like we go around talking about this (other than here of course, lol). My parents made a ton of mistakes, but I have a very good relationship with them now. They were products of their own upbringing and it shadowed ours heavily.

My daughter was diagnosed after high school - so in the fall of her freshman year at college. She has spent the last 3 1/2 years learning how to manage the ADHD. Here is what she would say has worked the most for her -- she does not have auditory issues, she probably does have retained reflexes but I don't know what to pursue really for that, and she is super duper smart and able to hang on due to her amazing memory and her people skills (she's able to sweet talk anyone into extending deadlines, asking for extra accommodations, etc) First off is the research, which it sounds like he is doing. She was helped by the How to ADHD series on Youtube (seriously great videos) and then reading books by Dr. Hallowell and Dr. Barkley. Second is getting on the RIGHT meds. That took quite awhile. She found that while short acting meds (ritalin) worked, the side effects were really difficult to manage. She tried Concerta but it didn't work well. Vyvanse has been a lifesaver. She is on Strattera too, which she says helps boost her working memory (though it doesn't help with task activation). She also got a prescription for Ativan as she got diagnosed with panic disorder (common for people with adhd). She has needed it less and less thankfully. like down to once every three or four months? Working with the right therapist is important. She's got a psych who has adhd and that's been helpful, and doing CBT with a good lcsw or psychologist is very helpful. She has a lot of stuff to work through having grown up with undiagnosed adhd. Through the research she has slowly been building routines to help her through the day. Key points are - organization of stuff (everything in its place, routines at night so that morning is smooth). She does yoga and running/walking, and tries to remember to eat right, drink water, and sleep enough. :). Those are things she never realized were important, but have a huge effect on how she experiences her adhd. Meditation helps boost EF. Sugar affects her very badly, but she has always used it to offset anxiety. This is an existing struggle. She still struggles a lot, but she has come very far. She still turns everything in at the last minute, is late to things, and misses doctor's appointments. She had to cram 600 pages of reading into 3 days last quarter, read salient parts of material right before the exam, watches all the class lectures on 2x speed the day before tests -- it's not pretty. So "living in the red zone" hasn't changed when it comes to school work, but she's at least healthier and happier, which are huge wins. She would be happy to connect if your son wants to hear more -- she has done some peer mentoring through an organization called AllBrains on campus (for adhd and autism). You can just PM me.

We asked my father in law (who is an artist and has used all the different tablets) what to get my daughter for Christmas. He said Ipad and Apple Pencil, hands down. Before you had to get a Pro to use the apple pencil, and now you only need a generation 7 or later, I think? Of the regular Ipad. It is awesome.

My oldest always tells me when she's had an edible:). It's been like three times total, lol. She also doesn't drink. She pushed so many boundaries when she was very young, I think she used up all her rebelliousness! It is so much work tackling big issues collaboratively and without taking away autonomy from a kid that is just trying to learn how to use it responsibility. It feels like lazy parenting to just hand down a consequence without much else. Though after the last few weeks we've had I can understand the attraction of that philosophy!

I have a friend who's daughter took Mr. Caro at WTMA and LOVED him. Still thinks he is the best teacher she's had. My friends are liberal and non-religious so I am assuming Mr. Caro teaches secularly.

Just to give another example of what happened to me while driving: When I was 20 I drove from North Carolina to Maryland in a red Mazda rx-7. It was mostly an empty interstate and I hate driving long distances so I was most definitely speeding - 95 miles an hour. I also was listening to my books on tape and it was very loud. A Virginia state trooper started chasing me to stop me for speeding but my book was too loud for me to hear the sirens and I never checked my mirror. I don't know how long it was that he was chasing me, but I finally realized and pulled over. He came to my door with his gun drawn. He thought I had stolen the car at that point, and was evading arrest. But instead of getting shot I ended up crying in the back seat of his police car while he asked me repeatedly to PLEASE stop crying. I got a hefty ticket and a suspended license in VA but was allowed to go on my way. He was black, I was white, young, and female.

Maybe the difference is how someone experiences ADHD? I mean, if someone has problems with external distractions, then I could see more of the tunnel metaphor. My daughter is very internally distracted and rarely sees anything if her brain is too loud. She's one that could go brush her teeth and just stand there in front of the mirror for 40 minutes not brushing or moving -- completely in her own thoughts.

I agree with the posters before -- it is so hard to let go from the direct advice to the advice when needed role. It is a work in progress! I have learned to bite my tongue a lot. The other issue of the pendulum swinging towards extreme "wokeness" is something I am seeing in my own kids. Despite all their advantages, they seem sometimes to focus more on perceived grievances. The other day when my oldest daughter and I were trying to help her sister with her math homework and dd21 was trying to make light of the difficulty by sharing her own adhd experience with math homework (NEVER EASY) my youngest said that dd21 was using her ADHD to "invalidate dd15's pain". DD21 just laughed at her and told her she was 15 and she'd grow out of it. I would say if your household was a very conservative one for them growing up, they might be differentiating themselves from you. So in that case I would just let it go -- they won't level out by being chastised or criticized for their ideas. Sometimes this age can be still very dramatic. They will figure out what things are emergencies and what isn't. All that being said, what happened wasn't cool, it is an invasion of privacy, and it sounds like something that should be dealt with. But they will have to deal with it, and at this point I would not give advice on ANYTHING unless asked. Protect your relationship and increase the trust. They will learn on their own and maybe faster than with advice they are automatically rejecting from you!

Weird. Those are all things that would happen to my daughter. Her thoughts are so loud that she just doesn't see the stuff around her. Meds make her thoughts quieter so that she can focus on the external better. It's a pretty easy check too. When she first took one dose of Ritalin she knew. She got calm and productive and noticed things around her.

This. I can see a huge difference in my daughter when her meds are working vs not. When they aren't, I might be watching her eat and see food fall and get missed, or see her fingers get messy and she doesn't know. Ive see her carry her key around while she is looking for her keys. When her meds are right her adhd is barely noticeable. She's on on Vyvanse, Strattera and Lexapro. It works. The thing that doesn't work we have found out is sugar. She is very sensitive to sugar (she struggles with sugar cravings) and if she overeats sugar it makes the adhd worse the next day. So the meds can't be as effective as usual.

I am so sorry. I have a pretty severely adhd older daughter but my husband has good EF. She was a mess in middle school and I actually gave up real parenting of her in 10th grade -- she was so strong willed. But since she was so strong willed, she eventually taught herself what to do. Now she's at a point where about 85 percent of the time she can take care of herself well. The other 15 she usually gets out of sync, has bad sleep, eats tons of sugar, and crashes. Then she spends the next few days picking herself up again. These times are getting less and less!

Maybe deep down she knows the dangers of what you are saying, but she doesn't feel capable of enforcing limits? For instance with my oldest, I knew what boundaries I SHOULD be setting, but I had basically given up parenting her because it worsened our relationship. So I let so much of it go to preserve our relationship. Or it could be laziness? Sometimes people choose not to set rules they know they don't want to enforce, but they will give excuses as to why they can't. Screens in the bedroom at night is an example for me -- i gave up on it for my oldest even though she really suffered sleepwise. For the youngers I at first let it go thinking they would be different. It took a long time before I recognized they were suffering too, and finally I made it a rule a few months ago. But I should have done it a year ago.

A lot of very extroverted parents would say they could never homeschool, it sounds so hard and draining. There was so much about public school that was hard and draining, I just have to laugh.

I think the problem that comes in is the fact that some of us are unreliable narrators! For instance my dad is very clearly on the spectrum (and possibly adhd). He definitely stims, his usual mode is anxious watchful waiting, he loves very rigid routines, he hates surprises or change. He is retired now but refuses to do anything like volunteer at the library, offer free tax help (he's an accountant) and get's very thrown off when a restaurant changes the meal they offer on a certain day or complains when a commercial has changed subtly. From all of our viewpoints, his world has contracted since he has retired and it really affects my mom. But if you ask him, he is perfectly fine and happier than ever. Unless he drops his YMCA card and can't find it. Or if he gets a double charge by accident on his credit card. Or the internet goes out when he was doing his morning routine of listening to music while checking his bank balance online. Then it's very stressful and for him it's yet one more instance that needs to be controlled or avoided instead of doing SOME kind of work on anxiety or flexible thinking. He won't be diagnosed and refuses to see anyone for anxiety, and yet both my parents are very clearly anxious disasters who struggle when any obstacle comes up.

That would make sense, as I see that play out with my son, who also has a huge gap between IQ and processing. And the sensory issues are the same for him.