It can require being in a program with that level of staffing, which is often going to mean being in an Early Intervention program. Or having insurance pay for an autism program of some kind. Maybe at an autism center or something. Edit: if it’s a waiting game for evals, I don’t know if she can get a provisional diagnosis or if she can try calling places and saying it’s an emergency.

I have kept my grandmother’s China cabinet and table, but the previous owner had a corner bookcase in one corner, and then a metal bookcase where my China cabinet is now. I thought it looked great and fit the space well.

I think it sounds like, the parent thinks the child has Pathological Demand Avoidance, and is doing (or trying to do) parenting approaches that are recommended for it. I think it’s pretty relevant to the discussion, I don’t know if that makes it too searchable, but if the parent thinks this is what’s going on, then basically it’s known as an autism profile that is supposed to respond well or poorly to certain parenting techniques. I will delete everything if it is too searchable, but I think it is too strange to have a conversation where only some people know it’s a conversation about PDA. I will also say, it’s nothing unusual for a child with autism or ADHD to not be a fit for “a program for children with autism or ADHd.” Because — they are so broad, and a program could be wonderful for some kids but not a fit for every kid. That is just normal and expected. Especially if they are thinking a child needs a higher level of support than they are set up for. Or if it’s just not a fit because another type of program would be better. It’s not as straightforward as just “child kicked out because of behavior issues.” I also think, do you have a sense if people at the current program are saying anything to her about her parenting? Because if they have the child all day and they are consistent, I think that many kids would be influenced by that. Or they could be more like — hey, what we have to offer isn’t working, maybe there’s more to this situation. Honestly I think a lot of kids in daycare benefit from the daycare expectations/consistency and then take that good behavior home with them. But a child who has always (it sounds like) been in daycare, then what’s going on? Wouldn’t they be a kid who knows how to act at daycare but then gets away with everything at home? I know not 100% and of course I think parenting matters. I just think it’s something to consider. I think it’s different if daycare is saying “we know some strategies we see work, could you try them at home,” and the parent doesn’t like that.

I don’t think there is too much a parent can do about how their child acts at daycare. If it’s a bad fit maybe they can find another program. Have they tried Early Intervention? I would hope there wouldn’t be a huge waiting list for that. For other waiting lists, maybe it’s possible to look for a city that does Zoom appointments. Let’s say they get a diagnosis — does that mean the child will then function at this daycare? Does it mean they will get greater accommodation at a private daycare program? Maybe yes, maybe no. The truth is there’s no way to know if op is right or wrong about if this is a parenting issue or not, or to what extent it is a parenting issue. Can op get the parent to totally change their parenting dynamic? It’s unlikely. Especially if the parent thinks the child has demand avoidance — then that’s not even necessarily what would be recommended. And let’s say the parent is right and that is the situation — what then, does that mean they are doing what is recommended? Honestly my hope would be for early intervention and getting a spot in an early intervention program. Maybe they will have an after-care option. Sadly — it’s good documentation if a child gets kicked out of a program. I would say, try to document what is going on. Even if just for personal records, it can help to know just what is going on. There may be things that are left out. For the op, I would also say, kids on the spectrum are so different. There is a lot of judgment among spectrum parents. Because — kids are that different!!!!! It is hard to have one label and then such different presentations. Then I think, I don’t know if there is a way to prevent this kid from getting kicked out of daycare. I don't know if that’s possible. It’s just a fact that sometimes kids get kicked out of daycare. I hope not, but I think it might be time to start thinking about “what if that happens” if there may not be a way to prevent it from happening. It does sound like it would be a huge crisis, but you’re describing a situation where it sounds like it’s totally on the table and maybe a warning is being given to start figuring it out. Not sure if you have had kids in outside settings but I have seen quite a few times, a “time to work on it” is given because it’s too cold to just say “it’s not working and it’s not going to work,” but actually that’s already what people think and it’s basically already decided. I’m just putting that out there, because if this is a polite warning, maybe there’s not much point to trying to salvage the situation. Also maybe that’s not the case at all — I’m just saying I’ve seen it.

Ironically, I was at my mom’s today. Her oven is pristine as always. Her countertop toaster oven/air fryer was not! I don’t think it’s bad or anything, but her oven is just clean. But she uses the countertop toaster oven almost all the time to cook for just two people.

I would talk to the front desk at the hotel, in addition. They often are really on top of things like this.

I think what is being cooked makes a huge difference. My mom cooks almost no meat in the oven, and she uses her oven for things like baked potatoes and cornbread. I have never seen her oven get dirty. My oven does get dirty here and there. Because of the climate, a lot of foods are cooked on an outdoor grill. She just would not cook some things in the oven, or only extremely rarely.

If there is enough partially-burned stuff on the bottom, it can smoke enough to set off a fire alarm, give food an off (smoky) taste, and make the kitchen smell. But it does also just burn off! I have never fully cleaned my oven but I will wipe burned stuff out of the bottom, if I remember. Edit: it’s a non-issue for me, I am good about cooking things over a pan if they might boil over. My kids drop stuff, though. But they are better about it lately. They drop pizza toppings from frozen pizzas, a piece of sausage or pepporoni or pieces of cheese smell pretty bad. Edit: in my childhood home there was never burned stuff like this on the bottom of the oven, ever. I have made huge messes when I was younger and didn’t know what kind of things might boil over in the oven, and my kids have dropped a ton of things. Edit: also there was never any pee around the toilet in my childhood home, ever.

I believe we were 29 and 26.

No. My son did ABA therapy and there is nothing like this. In fact, you are explicitly not supposed to touch children on the face or head. Realistically, how 100% calm are people when they decide to push on a child’s head. It’s just — the kind of thing that could escalate so easily on that side. On the child’s side, how would this not escalate. Like, how do you gently hold a child’s head down. It just does not make any sense. They should do actual behavioral interventions and actively avoiding escalation is so important.

Is his point to show “I’ve got spies”? Or is his point “I caught you not going to church”? Just a rhetorical question. If his point is to show he has spies — I would leave a church where it might be the priest. That just doesn’t seem like a good situation, to be wondering like that. I think that’s not fair, but since this is so upsetting to your children, it’s hard to choose not to care.

Wow, I am so sorry this happened! The only thing I think is — your ex-husband will not think that anything he is doing is causing a problem. It will just be your fault. I have seen people sabotage others this way, and it’s never that they have responsibility for the sabotage, or the outcome of the sabotage. It’s always “I always knew….” And confirms whatever bad thing they think about someone. It is totally irrational and it’s so sad to see. I also think, whoever “the spy” is is at some fault. But it’s a distractions from the person with the main fault, the ex-husband. He might even be sabotaging your older son directly. I have no idea what to do about it or what steps to take. I think there are many pros to this move, and this is a con, and trying to focus on the pros and minimize the cons is always a good thing to do. As far as why, I think it’s just not being willing to take responsibility for his own actions. Why against his own child that he wants to have a strong religious background….. I think just from thinking “we don’t have a good relationship, why not, it can’t be my fault, it must be his fault.” Or else — it must all be mom’s fault. And also people can think, “they won’t be able to manage without me.” If people are managing, why not throw in a monkey wrench, to get to see how they can’t manage. I hope your ex-husband will realize he doesn’t want to act in these ways, but right now he is acting in these ways. It’s not anything you guys are doing to cause it, and it’s not really a mystery that he is not living up to his values right now. I talked to someone recently, whose ex-husband always complained about church when they were married. They attended her childhood church, when he would go. Then after they got a divorce, one year later, he started attending the same church with his new wife, and acting really into-it and involved. She changed churches, and it was her childhood church! I thought that was so low. She is remarried and has found a great church now that is really a good fit for them. But still — what a low thing to do. It’s not a small town, there are many other churches and even other churches in the same denomination. Edit: also, this is really controlling behavior. So controlling. He’s going to reach out and poison something just because he can and that’s how he can have some control. I think, at least.

I think it’s fair for them to share an opinion, but it does not mean you have to do it. You could ask “why do you recommend that” the next time you see them. Also, maybe in 1-2 years it will turn out it does seem like a good idea, it could happen. I definitely think you have the big picture of what is going on, plus the reality of changing things or adding new things. There is a lot of detail and I think people often understand that. For context — a lot of kids have been in speech therapy for years and then as they get older talk turns to discontinuing speech even though there are still speech goals, and looking at life skills. Or, changing goals to be more of life skills. Not exactly life skills, but — just a different focus. It’s appropriate a lot of times, but it’s not always, and I think you could be getting caught up in that. I think rapport with a therapist is huge and important, if that is something he has with a speech therapist. I also think, to some extent with older kids, maybe they still need a therapy but have somewhat plateaued, and it’s taking up time and maybe there are other goals to work on. This is very related to the other thing I said, but a little different. The thing is, a lot of kids are in different situations and are not plateauing, but a lot of people will just assume that maybe kids have plateaued. If it’s more like “ugh I don’t want to deal with figuring this out” — I think just give it time, there’s no rush. Think about it for a while. It’s not urgent. In the scheme of things this is not a crisis.

My Mom did this until this summer. She got a smart phone over the summer. Tons of older people do not have smart phones.

I will just update — my sore throat has gone away, it looks like this was about a 48-hour illness for me. But I’m going to need to rest for at least a day. My other symptoms were stomach pain and a headache, and a little coughing.

In good news, no one at my mom’s skilled nursing seems very sick! They have signs on some doors saying they have a “droplet exposure protocol” and staff wear face masks (etc — face shields, they separate their laundry too) with them. But I still see the people in the rooms here and there, and they do not look sick. It’s a long story, but my mom can walk and loves to walk, but right now she can only walk if someone is with her with a gait belt. So I walk up and down all the halls with her!!!!!

My mom is in skilled nursing right now. There is Covid all over this facility. I think I have Covid right now. My mom had a mild sore throat for two days and felt slightly tired one of those days. We both had the booster. I am hoping to have a mild case. I do not feel good, though.

I would.

I think if the other outings mentioned work well, a cruise would work well, too. It sounds like he would manage well.

@DeainUSA That is awesome!!!!!!!

I took a break for more reading practice.

@freesia that is great, and especially that he’s moving on from the Covid years!!!!! @Miss Tick I am also pretty content! I know just what you mean!

I have been on one cruise. It would not be a fit for my son or husband. Okay, if we wanted (on this cruise), we could *always* find a place that had very few people and was very quiet. But we could not bypass “going through a crowd of people” to get to these quiet places. I just know it would put them in a bad mood. I also would worry with them, about going somewhere that it’s impossible to leave early. For the cruise I went on, we went out of Galveston. The boarding and exiting process would have been very stressful for them. It was a long-ish process and we definitely were part of a crowd of people.

My son got mediocre grades — he passed everything and only got one D! The D was touch and go. He doesn’t like college, he doesn’t think his intended major is right for him anymore. He applied for vo-tech in December. Here the admissions cycle for that is — apply in the Fall, interview and find out if you are accepted in the Spring, classes start in mid-August. He applied for a computer program, it seems like a good fit for him. He’s living with my parents, and it’s a good fit, he is actually very helpful to them. He told me recently, he wants to get a work-from-home job and stay with my parents for as long as he can. He’s not going back to college for this semester. There’s a new situation where my mom’s health has declined and she needs more help, he may be more of a caretaker for the next period of time, instead of looking for a job. We are going to see how things go with my mom. He has talked to one relative who has a job with computer certifications, and I have talked to a woman at my church who has a late-20s son who didn’t want to go to college and went to a computer program at this vo-tech. It seems like a good option for him. The late-20s son is self-supporting and enjoys his job, it is a 9-5 job and not stressful… the relative’s job is more “on call 24 hours a day, also he manages a team” but he is also paid a lot more (lol). I would guide my son towards “9-5 and not stressful” if it were up to me, that is his personality.

I think there is some balance between: kids can only make as much progress as they are going to make, it is just going to take time, they have to have time for things to percolate and gel…. and… a relationship between time spent and progress made, where more time means more progress. I think there is a balance there, and “enough” time is important, but “too much” time does not lead to greater progress. I also think I am liberal in what I would count. I counted *anything,* not just stuff that would be more formal reading intervention.