Don’t you work in a school? Totally unacceptable.

I am totally fine with disliking or disapproving, and choosing not to support it. I don’t think it’s fair to say it means someone is going to abuse their partner. That’s literally as much support as I get it. If other people act that way, do you have to act that way, too? If somebody else is going “boss, give me the chance, please, I want it really bad,” then do you not do it? To some extent, I think it be answer is yes. But it’s also a physical thing people are doing. They are already touching people and talking loudly to communicate. That’s already *part of what they are doing.* But really where was there a physical threat to the coach. The coach did not appear to feel physically threatened nor did he give in to the player. I think it’s just misreading it to think it’s a threat or meant as a threat or was perceived as a threat. I do not know if it’s possible to identify an abuser by how a competitive athlete acts on the field. I think there ARE things that are warning signs. I just don’t think this one is. However, if someone has information that this kind of behavior IS a red flag for abuse, I would take that to heart.

My husband worked for 20 years in an all-male environment. It was the Army, he was in the Infantry. He does this bumping people, talking in their face thing, and people do it to him. To me it comes across like the coach is in charge of this interaction. The player didn’t get his way. The player let it go at that point. The player knows the coach is in charge! My husband does not act this way now that he has retired and never with me or my kids. It’s an acceptable way to act in that work environment sometimes, but he isn’t going around acting this way everywhere he goes or all the time.

Saxon? Singapore Math?

Just as an aside, I have also seen r/teachers and I don’t think it is representative of the 3 school districts that we have lived in. I have also seen some r/homeschool and I don’t think it’s representative, either!!!!! I have known of 5 sad, neglectful homeschooling situations. Two are my husband’s relatives. Two (siblings) are my husband’s friend’s kids who are from the same controlling church. One is a friend of my son’s who was pulled out of school during Covid. Those seem vastly over-represented to me on Reddit compared to my own life experience and homeschoolers I have known in person. My sister and my nieces know a lot of homeschoolers as well, their church is very supportive of homeschooling and hosts a co-op. They know zero homeschoolers that don’t seem at face value to be active in their kids’ academic and social lives (and religious lives etc). I think this too for other parts of Reddit. Some things just do not seem representative to me. I personally also skim things and think “I don’t fit in here” or I can feel like “things are great for me in this area, I don’t want to come and be super-positive in case it makes other people feel bad about themselves.”

Just as a thought, if money is an issue it might be cheaper to do one passport process or the other. I agree with others, it’s important to secure the citizenship of the country they weren’t born in. But it can be pricy for two kids. There might also be a time difference for how long it takes to process things. This was for my oldest son, but in my memory we had to have his consular birth certificate saying he was a US citizen, before we could apply for his passport. It added an extra step/time. But the Mom’s country might not require anything like that.

I think there are ways to try to prevent a parent from getting a passport at the passport office or embassy.

Wouldn’t he just go home on his home country’s passport? Wouldn’t he go home on the same passport he entered on? I would assume his kids will need a passport to travel internationally. I would assume they can apply for a passport from either the US or the mom’s home country. If they qualify for the mom’s home country, maybe that country has an embassy that does foreign-born children passports. For the person I know, he couldn’t get his driver license valid for a date past the date his EAD expired. He will have to keep renewing at the dmv, as he gets extensions, until he gets his green card (permanent residence). Edit: I mean his drivers license expires on the same day as his EAD. So my understanding is that this man may not be working legally or driving legally while his EAD is expired. Edit: for the driving there may be something about someone’s immigration status that makes a difference, or the state someone lives in, but that is what the situation is with the person I know in this state. Edit: also some people have international licenses but I don’t know about that, but he might be driving legally now that I think about it more.

His kids sound like they qualify for dual citizenship. If they were born here they qualify for US citizenship. That doesn’t mean they don’t also qualify for the mom’s home country. The mom’s home country might make them renounce their US citizenship when they turn 18, I haven’t heard of that for younger kids. I believe the US allows dual citizenship with any country. I know someone who has an EAD and recently got an “EAD extension” that gave him another 2 years. It’s just a pdf. He’s legally allowed to work for another 2 years. The EAD stuff seems independent of the visa/immigration stuff. They seem related for sure, but it seems like EAD extensions are what people do, while they are waiting on their immigration cases. The truth is this person needs to see an immigration lawyer. I think all of this is immigration lawyer stuff, because there are so many details that make a difference in how things are handled. Maybe there would be more lawyer stuff beyond an immigration lawyer.

https://marybarbera.com/autism-sleep-how-improve-sleep-children-autism/ My child did not have sleep issues, but this is one of my favorite authors for younger children with autism. I just skimmed and didn’t see anything about ruling out medical issues. This author has tons about ruling out medical issues with children who may not communicate well or show expected signs of medical issues. If it’s not mentioned here — it is one of those things that is always worth considering.

Things have gotten better, I think this person appreciates that my step-dad cared enough to talk to him and encourage him to change some ways he was acting. He has made it clear to me he wants to get along with me. I’m shocked, I did not think it would work out this well. I have also made it clear I do want to get along with him, and my husband has made it clear he wants to get along, too.

My mom is a really nice person who wants everyone to get along. But she is extremely conflict avoidant. Two main things happened that she (and my step-dad) let go without addressing. Truly they should have been addressed. My step-dad ended up addressing them in a way that really worked for me. These things happened in my parents’ home. Then it turned out there were low-level things that I was shocked they weren’t aware of, but they weren’t aware of them in particular and didn’t realize what it had gotten like for me. But they also thought “well these things do sound like things this person would do.”

I have, unbelievably, had some resolution with a vaguely similar issue. Basically, I’m supposed to be the person who gets along. It’s on me. What about other people who are difficult? “That’s just how they are.” My mom never, ever took my side. Now, if she didn’t take sides, that would be different. But she did take sides by expecting me to do something different, while making excuses for other people. Somewhat unbelievably, my step-dad went to bat for me. My mom has stopped with some things where I say “well did you talk to my sister about it, too?” My mom also wanted to say it was just about political things, but it was not, there was actual rude behavior directed towards me that I was supposed to just ignore for family peace. Anyway, it’s a lot better. I moved back to my hometown in July 2020 so it comes up more, because I actually live here and I am either seeing certain people or I’m choosing not to see them. I went 8 months without seeing some people and basically was not going to go to major holidays either if I was expected to put up with more of the same. I do feel like I had to make a change as the only way to change the dynamics. It’s good enough for me now. A lot of it for me is just feeling like my feelings matter and I’m not somehow one of the people who is supposed to put up with everything, while certain people are allowed to be difficult just because somehow they are allowed to be difficult. I do mean, as in actually rude. I can put up with political differences, when the other side is also willing to (motivated to) put up with political differences. It goes a long way.

*Also my husband likes guns so it would be weird to say someone can’t take it out of the holster to show my husband. That would actually be weirder for my situation.* Edit: in fact I think it’s likely people do show my husband their guns 75% of the time. Edit: but not in the house!!!!!!

I do think where we used to live at the time, there were storage laws for guns such that you couldn’t lock your gun in the trunk of your car. One person would visit us from out of state and couldn’t just leave his gun home if he was on a multi-day trip. It’s more involved in its way. I’m trying to remember if there was an issue with a motorcycle, but I think he had a truck. But it is true if someone is riding their motorcycle cross country and wants to come over, they have to safely store their gun in some way if I won’t let it in my house. But this person was not someone difficult and I know we had some easy solution. Because this person wants to get along and find a solution. Honestly there are also people where I would be fine *if it even come up but it doesn’t because they don’t conceal carry 100% of the time.* But if I’m going to have a rule it’s also messed up if I say “I don’t mind your friend Kevin but hell no for your dad.” Except I do also mind his friend Kevin but I might not care if it was just Kevin. Edit: or open carry actually.

I do not trust the judgment of the specific people who would conceal carry in my home.

Someone bought a special car gun safe so they wouldn’t have to bring their conceal carry into our home. It’s not something I condone. Edit: Realistically people are either leaving their gun home sometimes or concealed carrying illegally. Because some places do not allow concealed carry. So either they are leaving their gun home sometimes or they are getting a car gun safe of some type or making some kind of other arrangement that is legal and safe. Edit: I have let someone come on our patio as a compromise which seems fine in good weather. Oh but wait! Technically we didn’t invite him inside. Because we knew he always carries and I think it’s disrespectful to me. This is an in-law for me and I don’t see why I should be disrespected in my own home.

I think it would be better to say, you might wish HE had been more open to working on the marriage. That’s different than wishing YOU had done some kind of intervention. I think there is a lot of likelihood of regret and sadness, but it’s just so limited what is reasonable to do to fix a problem. The problem is, it’s very hard to say “you told me x but I’m going to disagree with you about x” without undermining support and it detracts from thinking someone is a capable and mature person able to handle their lives even if there are mistakes and regrets. I am a spectator to people knowing all about their parents’ divorce and invited to weigh in on so many things. It is a mess. It is not worth it. Of course that’s really far from anything you might do, but it got ridiculous really fast with just the idea that there should be people who should weigh in and have a say. It is also (in practice) heavy on manipulation and very one-sided ways of looking at things and sharing information.

Another thing is, it is upsetting to you, and that’s fair, but your son shouldn’t have to manage your feelings right now. At the same time, besides concern for your son, you are directly impacted. You have had a relationship with your dil, and ten years of family memories and shared times. It’s not fair to act like it is nothing to you. But you can do that without making it your son’s problem. He doesn’t have to satisfy you that he has done his due diligence. You may know his personality and character well enough to think either he has probably behaved honorably, or that maybe he has not. But either way he doesn’t have to justify himself to you. But that is different from just being in shock when someone tells you news like this, it’s a lot to take in, and especially out of nowhere. My mother-in-law and father-in-law got a divorce about 18 months ago… they have got poor boundaries. I might be overreacting in a huge way, but I am so in favor of boundaries right now.

I think it’s really easy to cross a line from “support” to “second guessing.” The only way not to be a second-guesser, is to just actively minimize second guessing.

Well, you did suggest it. It doesn’t sound like you need to bring it up again. This sounds so sudden, I’m sorry. I had a rocky period in my marriage and chose not to share it with my parents, because if we did stay together I didn’t want them to think negatively about my husband. This was differently the right call for us!

I think you might look at books or videos or blogs if you need some additional information you aren’t getting in-person. Someone I know is doing watercolors with Patreon. I think it’s fair to think that some things will make more sense as you get more experience just by doing more projects over time?

I’m reading and it sounds like there are legitimate concerns about the parenting techniques. What can someone tell someone? First, it does not sound like this is a laziness issue or an issue of totally not being able to handle things. That sounds off the table. It could be extreme stress that is making it hard to respond in the moment in a consistent way. This could definitely be contributing. It is inherently stressful. But here is something I really think: I think someone’s heart has to be in it to be consistent. If they have a niggling voice saying “this isn’t the right way to handle it” they can’t be consistent. That is enemy of being consistent. I think this takes either seeing that something is effective, or information (etc) about why/how it’s a good idea or worth committing to for a certain amount of time to see if it will help. This is why if there is something that’s working at school, that can be something where — it has been effective! I think that there is a danger in giving advice that people follow without commitment, because it’s likely to be very hard to be consistent. But if someone asks for advice, or has a mentor or role model, or a therapist, or a school teacher or counselor, that they would give something a chance and be consistent long enough to see if it worked — that would have potential. I am assuming that she is aware she is not doing things the way the op would do them — and has some explanation for this. Not just — a failure to do it properly, but she thinks it’s the right thing to do. As a possibility, if there is something she wants to try to see if it works, I think it could be good to be supportive of that and then be able to say, there was an honest consistent attempt made, and see if it is very effective or not. Then if it’s not effective, sometimes that helps people move on without that doubt in their mind. Or, maybe it works, or maybe some parts of it work. This is a way people get buy-in by supporting someone’s own idea. This is an actual strategy lol. If the op has got that kind of buy in, trying anything consistently provides a data point for the future about something that was tried and how it went. However it would be good to know if there are things the school feels like — the child was worked with but it’s not going in a productive way.

Just thinking about this more, it sounds like it’s half-day public school program, maybe free because of an IEP. Then half-day aftercare. If so, I would be surprised if a child would be kicked out of the public school program. Aftercare — yes. There may be zero supports in aftercare. What do people do whose kids can’t attend aftercare? Do they pay for a babysitter? Do they have kids go to a different aftercare that may exist? Do they have insurance coverage that may pay for half-day at an autism center, or for more support at an aftercare. What are other kids doing? Are there are more options for autism because of insurance mandates for an autism diagnosis? This is the case in some states. If it’s “IEP support provided at a private location” I agree with a pp, the kid might need to go somewhere else. Documentation should be a positive. It should help for the future. A concern I would have — are they potentially going to want to have him go to “another program” but then parents feel like not enough supports were tried in the current situation. This might be something they can just ask. Also, they can look at the current IEP plan and see what it says. That would give a lot of information. I would take the “maybe the child has PDA” to mean — this child has behavior issues and nothing is working. The parent doesn’t know what to do. I think right now if somebody has got behavior issues and nothing is working, PDA is out there. That’s how I would take it if someone was saying “I think it’s PDA.” But that is different from getting an official diagnosis. But that is also different from telling someone “I feel like my child fits a PDA profile.” That’s a conversation starter for sure. I think there has to be a line between “people complain about permissive parenting” and “this child is getting identified as having greater issues than the other kids.” Is the parent really more permissive than all the other parents? I think maybe somebody “on the line” could go one way or another with permissive parenting, but I don’t think that’s how it goes in general with “permissive parenting like people do these days.” Like, is the parenting actually way worse than everybody else? Because if not, it’s probably not *primarily* a parenting issue. It is also a thing, oh, you take in documentation about issues and it helps to get an autism diagnosis. It is also a thing, to call repeatedly to ask to be on the cancellation list and say it’s a serious situation. And, to look at driving or doing telehealth, and looking farther afield for places to get on a waiting list. It can make a huge difference sometimes.

I am getting one of two vibes. One, the current IEP is really underpowered. It may not be for the appropriate qualifying condition. It may not have a behavior intervention plan. Like, what if he has an IEP for speech and sees a speech therapist once a week in a small group for 30 minutes. But, he needs way more than that in his IEP. This would be, I think, contact the IEP case manager. See about a behavior plan. They are good if they get kids what they need and their behavior improves. Two, they are documenting in order to do a change-of-placement. Or, to provide documentation for more support but not a change-of-placement. Hey, it’s late January, this is the time of year to document things for an IEP meeting later in the year but in time to get things in place for next school year.