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HS Mom in NC

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Everything posted by HS Mom in NC

  1. Some posters are missing the nuance here. No is saying a spouse should never be surprised by the other spouse's death-that's a given in cases when a prolonged terminal illness isn't part of the equation. A woman surprised by the idea widowhood in general is what shouldn't be shocking-that's something that's so common it should be accepted as a likely possibility at the time of marriage, regardless of age, and planned for over the course of the marriage. Yes, there should be plans made for a man losing his wife too.
  2. What a strange response. I'm responding to the article posted. You don't really think it's normal for a married woman of any age to have never considered the possibility that she could end up a widow do you? Are you seriously suggesting to me that it's normal, in spite of all the widows every single woman on the planet has witnessed that it's rational to not expect the real possibility of widowhood? That's what I'm addressing-the disconnect from reality that's so easily observable. Every married woman has heard that she and her husband should have a will (especially if there are kids) and life insurance and retirement planning and work out eldercare for their parents and all that stuff for decades of their lives, but it's perfectly reasonable and normal adult behavior to have never considered being a widow!? And you think pointing it out is mean because there are actual widows present?!? That just doesn't make any sense. Whether there are widows present or not and what they did or didn't expect is irrelevant to the obvious reality I'm trying to get people so see and address for everyone's sake-especially the future widows. This isn't personal, it's the general state of things that so many people are willfully ignoring like teenagers. How the heck did we get to a state where talking about a common reality is mean!?! This is the problem, folks. Talking about cold hard reality in blunt terms when the indirect, avoidant nonsense is failing women (like the one in the article) is interpreted as cruel. What a mess this culture is. It's arrested development. No one should be emotionally upset about planning for the inevitable in blunt direct terms. For heaven's sake.
  3. That true and never absolves the struggling partner of the responsibility of talking about hard things. That's the HUGE disconnect driving this problem-the underlying assumption that just because someone struggles they're off the hook. And never assume the one doing the talking about it isn't struggling. Talk it through in spite of struggling because it's the job of all the adults to deal with this. The single most important adult skill by far is the ability to do necessary things contrary to how you feel about them. That's what separates psychological adults from psychological children/adolescents: children/adolescents do things because they want to, adults do things because they should, whether they want to or not.
  4. Yes, you have to seriously consider and plan for the possibility that either could die first regardless of age differences and health status, but the most casual observer can see men usually die before their wives. That's been the norm for generations. My husband and I have been set up for either possibility since the start of our 30 year marriage and we expect I'll be widowed. Anyone woman who hasn't seriously thought through the likelihood of being widowed just isn't a long term thinker, which is kind of embarrassing considering that's what's supposed to separate adults from children (and why we only allow adults, not minors, to enter legal contracts.) It's weird that so many people in the US (I can't comment on other cultures because I've never lived in them) are completely unwilling to consider death at all or the lead up to it even as they're very old. I've been through 2 generations of hands on eldercare and it's a soapbox for me now. Seriously, this dread fear of talking about your own decline and death is pathological and we have to stop enabling it-it's hurting everyone around you to not address it as thoroughly as possible before it happens. Don't.be.that.person. It will affect other people-talk to those people about it and plan for minimizing the difficulty of the related fall out. And for Christians it's even weirder. Let me get this straight, you say you believe what the Bible says about things, and you think you have spiritual insight to both life and death and its related issues at least to some degree, but you can't think about or talk about the deaths of you and your spouse? How is that even possible? This should be frequently covered territory. American churches are mess, folks. Start talking about your and your spouse's deaths and declines with your spouse and kids, including thinking through various options that exist whether they're you're preferences or not. You might age in place at home, you might live with a child or grandchild, you might be at a facility of some type. You cannot completely control which it will be because so many different factors you can't control or even forsee will play into it. Things change-be prepared to change. Any promise or plans your kids make now could be completely off the table due to no one's fault when the time comes even if you're so rich you can pay for different options. That's life. (And death.) You're not 13 years old; refusing to talk about the possibilities won't decrease the likelihood of them happening. I must spend 30% of my time responding to new reports, articles, conversations people have about their adult lives, etc. thinking , "Am I the only adult in the room? This perpetually adolescent mindset (magical thinking) in America is absurd." Not only are you and your spouse going to die, dear reader, you're both also likely to go through a years long decline in which you require plenty of hands on care by someone at least a generation younger than you if you choose regular preventive diagnostics and treatments that are standard practice these days. And it might happen even if you refuse them. So stack the deck in your favor for your preferences as much as you realistically can, but be psychologically prepared for whatever comes along. Reality doesn't care how you feel about. Feel whatever feelings you have about reality and deal with reality in spite of those feelings.
  5. I have John Denver on one of my playlists. I've always been a fan. I'm outdoorsy, from the Western US, and my Dad was always a big fan, so there are a lot of relatable personal experiences and some nostalgia tied up in John Denver for me.
  6. My Quilter's Guild in AZ was mostly elderly female retirees. They hired a party bus to the Road to CA quilt/trade show every year. They drank the whole way there, sexually harassed male wait staff, bought quilting stuff, looked at award winning quilts, stayed in the hotel, and drank the whole way back. It was not your granny's sewing circle. It was legendary-I never went, but I have to admit I was spectacle curious.
  7. When we downsized by 50% 6 years ago before a cross country move, we sold on FB Marketplace because of ease of use. I didn't have the bandwidth for multiple selling sites. I checked prices for similar items and went lower because I wanted to get rid of things. If things like our dining room table that seated 10 didn't get serious interest within a week, the price was cut to get it sold. I think that's key, understanding that the monetary value of something is only what someone is willing to pay for it, load it, and take it home. It doesn't matter what you paid for it-you're not the one buying it this time. When someone said they were coming to buy it I asked when to expect them and told them if they weren't there within an hour of that time I would sell it to others that showed an interest. (Even if there weren't others yet.) I was speaking about a general policy. Get it when you say you will or it goes to someone else. No, I won't hold it for you. Anything that didn't sell was set outside in the front yard one weekend with a "Free to Good Home" sign for yard salers. (I lived in a densely populated suburban development with 900 houses in a city of 200,000 people, part of a metro area of about 2 million people. ) Anything left after that was donated. My time and energy are very valuable.
  8. The double standards are insane because of our worship of sportsball in all forms in the US. My Dad lives outside Phoenix in a retirement community where water planes have flown onto the GOLFCOURSE to scoop water from the artificial lake surrounded by grass watered DAILY for golf junkies, to dump wildfires 2 miles away. Meanwhile Dad's xeriscaped lots, right around the corner, with carefully selected blooming native plants that require far less water, are a target of the water company because he's "using too much water." Corporations owning politicians? Yep. Sportsball as idolatry. Yep. Golfers, you are an environmental problem.
  9. Cheerleading, pole dancing, and pageants-all basically the same category in my book. I want women to be beyond that now. Using acres instead of square miles for wildfires. Most people don't farm-use a familiar unit of measure already. This unnecessary explainer- "...X, formerly known as Twitter..." Yeah, we know. Everyone knew a week after it happened. Just call it X and be done. Spectator sportsball and competitive sportsball for kids. It's supposed to be a healthy outlet for tribalism-it just creates positive associations with tribalism/polarization in the US and it ruins community because there's so much freaking sportsball you can't plan community events because there's always a big game or some sort of practice going on. Gift giving expectations on holidays. Just celebrate meaningfully and stop adding a consumerist/materialistic element to it. Give gifts spontaneously because you genuinely want to, not because of some convention that this is the day for it. Handshaking. Bowing Asian style is soooo much more sanitary and elegant. Zoning laws and tax policies that don't prioritize well done public transit and maximize walkability. US type employer provided medical insurance-it's insulating people from the absurd realities of the American healthcare crisis. If everyone had to select and pay for it themselves by finding an employer willing to pay a salary high enough to afford it, most Americans would be outraged, look closely at Scandi, Western European, and Australian versions and develop our own version. Unnecessary plastic. I get that medical items might still need to be in plastic, but for heaven's sake, everything in the US seems to be covered in it. Political dynasties in the US. If your parent, grandparent, sibling, child, or aunt/uncle has held high office, find something else to do. This.is.not.a.family.business. There are quite a few well know political families at different places on the political spectrum that should be done now. Adolescent/childish mindsets in adults. No, you're not charming. This is the big bad world and we're the adults-we have to put on our big kid undies and deal with it. I must walk around thinking, "Am I the only adult in the room?" 1/3 of the time I deal with people or watch the news. DST. I'm for standard time forever. The time is what it is-adapt accordingly. My ancestors are from Norway-they figured it out how to deal with it, everyone else can too. US States controlling the national borders. Those border lines should be controlled entirely by the federal (national) government because individual states can't handle these issues and having differing policies from state to state makes no rational sense. Make it the federal government's problem to solve and fund. US State based public standards, education policies, and funding. We should expect a more uniform transition when a kid moves from one district to another and one state to another. Taxpayer funded adult education credits should be transferable and accepted at all other taxpayer funded adult education institutions. Apparently I needed to vent. Thanks, @bookbard.
  10. My husband has a book stand sort of like this one. https://www.amazon.com/Overhead-Adjustable-Stretchable-Compatible-Phones-Black/dp/B0B2D8Q8SG/ref=sr_1_10?crid=2MV0AY9CHZ4F6&keywords=book+stand+floor+wheels&qid=1696811145&sprefix=book+stand+floor+wheels%2Caps%2C154&sr=8-10 There are many different kinds. I couldn't find the exact one he has. He has a repeat stress injury from 10-16 hours days for 35 years of constant typing as a computer programmer and back issues that flare up now and then. It's been helpful because he's a bookworm too.
  11. I would books on a boat I would read books with a goat I would read books in a line I would read books anytime I would read books here and there I would read books anywhere
  12. My mother, now 78, has done that my whole life. In the summers it was our (4 kids) required quiet time in our rooms on pain of death. I grew up on a hobby farm outside Phoenix, AZ and it was a "when in Rome" kind of thing. Mom gets up very early, works or walks outside 2 miles with the neighbors depending on the day until it's hot (usually about 9 or 10am) then runs errands, has lunch, takes her siesta (reading + napping) from 1-4, does indoor things, goes to bed and reads until 10 or 11. She boards sheep, does all gardening, and now does all the irrigating sine she was widowed in May. She likes to be busy and physically and mentally active.
  13. I have a table runner and placemats for each season (4 total) and inexpensive fresh cut seasonal flowers. I change the container and water every couple to few days for longevity. The flower arrangement is low enough to see over while seated. I don't do holiday specific decor on the table. October-November is rusts, golds, greens, and burgundy. December-February is reds and whites. March-May is pastels and brights. June-September is jewel tones. I usually serve indoor meals buffet style from the kitchen and we take it to eat in the dining room when we don't eat outdoors next to our pond. On occasion it's served and passed at the table, so I move the flowers into the kitchen just before I put the food on the table.
  14. Easy Chicken and Dumpling Soup chicken pieces (Rotisserie is easiest) can of buttermilk biscuit dough cut into dumpling sized pieces frozen bag or can of mixed vegetables and/or any diced or chopped veggies you have on hand 1-2 cans cream of chicken soup chicken broth or chicken boullion cubes or powder and water salt and ground pepper to taste Put in a pot equal parts chicken broth and cream of chicken soup or adjust proportions to taste. Add veggies, meat, salt, and pepper. Bring to a boil and add dumpling pieces. Cover for about 10ish minutes until dumplings are steamed through.
  15. I'm retired and I do what I want when I want most of the time. I usually read 3-4 books a month. I'm in 2 different monthly book clubs that meet outside my house, so 2 books a month have deadlines and I take notes because my brain is menopausal. I have 1 going with my husband and 1 for myself to read when I wake up at night and can't get back to sleep. Morning: After waking I do Bible study+ devotional reading for about an hour. Siesta: I read for around an hourish and nap for an hourish. Evening: Audio book with my husband for about an hour to an hour and a half after dinner instead of TV (I do my hand sewing while listening) and anytime we're on a road trip, which is a few times a year. Bedtime: Usually about an hour, sometimes two depending on various factors. When I wake in the night (very very frequently) and take a while to get back to sleep. I don't listen to audiobooks when I'm working/cleaning/shopping/running errands because I listen to podcasts then.
  16. Personal reading: Psychology of Money by Housel Hubby & I (audio book instead of TV so I can hand sew): Finished Dog Stars by Heller last night (one of his favorites) start Pillars of the Earth by Follett tomorrow (one of my favorites) Christian Book Club: Renovare's '23-'24 book club on spiritual formation: A Different Way by Hall Wine Club with a Book Problem (local book club): Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Reid
  17. It's OK, we know you're not being mean; we get it. We classical homeschoolers say things like, "We taught our kids to take part in The Great Conversation...and they have no one to talk to." Fair warning! If you ever read The Well Trained Mind by Susan Wise Bauer, you may never be content with institutional education again. I came here to TWTM boards for the homeschooling schooling support more than a decade ago. I've stayed for the conversation. We have our issues like anywhere else, but on the whole it's high quality community around here. I'm not here as frequently since I retired from homeschooling, but I pop back in now and then because I just can't let it go.
  18. We've always had at least 2 cats at the same time. Look up online how to slowly introduce a new cat to the resident cat if you're not getting a kitten.
  19. 1. Sewing machine project-Finishing oldest's wedding quilt for their 5 year anniversary photo shoot on Oct. 19th. She picked the pattern and I bought the fabric 2 years ago then had neck issues that put it on the back burner. A month of physical therapy has me up and running again. 2. Hand sewing project-Using up scraps of reds, whites, and light greens for a yo yo chain I'm making into a Christmas tree garland with silver beads. I sew while my husband and I listen to an audio book in the evenings. I think I'll be done by this weekend. 3. Next hand sewing project-I bought fabric and ordered templates today. It's a Daisy and Grace diamond and triangle set of templates to make a diamond quilt for spring decor in the living room. It's my first quilt as you go. 4. Next sewing machine project-red and white quilt for living room decor for winter (Christmas-Valentine's Day.) It's a quilt as you go easy cathedral windows-reds in the background, white trim. I'm using 5 in. charm packs.
  20. My cousin and her ex have lived in the same house for several years because rural Maine is a mess, they're underemployed, and childcare is both expensive and scarce. They'll part ways as soon as it's a possibility.
  21. Zone 7B here. Ornamental Woodland Garden Today I bought six 36-48 in. white anemones because my 2 experimental ones finally forgave me for moving them from the front flower beds a few years ago and are blooming next to the pond. I have a Chinese paper plant leaning, so I have to adjust it. My Japanese beautyberries are doing well after I moved them to a new spot, so I bought another to fill in a gap. The bulbs my husband dug out of the front flowerbeds this summer have been drying in the garage and I'll plant them throughout this garden. I bought more hyacenths to go under the rising sun redbud trees. I'm crossing my fingers that the work I did last fall trying to perennialize the tulips will pay off next spring. I bought the recommended types, dug the recommended depths, and added the recommended amendments last fall. Now we see if they come back for a second year. Please please please please.... Permaculture Food Forest My spinach, lettuces, cauliflowers, broccoli, and cabbages are doing well next to the bay window in the kitchen and under their grow lights. I'm waiting until they're more mature to harden them off and put them in the garden. The sweetpeas are doing well again. They're about a foot tall. Most of the carrots are growing very well. I need to get some mulch around them for weed control. The last of the peppers, watermelon, and Chinese eggplant need bringing in. I harvested the sunflowers and put them out in the birdfeeders. Time to rip out the last of the melon, squash, and basil plants. Maybe the tomatoes too. I'm watching for leaf drop later this month-I saved most of my sterile Russian comfry to harvest and mix with it for next year's compost. I have plenty of braided garlic to pick from to plant this or next month. I told my husband that while I appreciate his wanting to build me an Ana While greenhouse, I want a watering system more than anything else. The dry patches were long this summer.
  22. I know several people who divided ashes between loved ones-usually the surviving spouse and adult child(ren) combinations. Not what I would do, but also not weird at all. It's very odd for a hired caregiver to request them. Getting attached isn't strange.
  23. Keep it to 2-3 sentences maximum and see if someone is enthusiastically asking to know more before launching into details. I wouldn't say read the room if by it you mean someone is interested if they say things that aren't obvious negative signals. If it's mild ohs and mmm hmms and raised eyebrows and polite smiles, you're probably as likely to be talking to someone with some mild interest for more as talking to someone who has been told that it's mean or rude to not show mild interest even if they're not interested. Unless someone is explicitly stating they really want to know more about the details, don't get into it.
  24. Equating wanting someone to visit after they're settled at home with cutting family completely out is absurd. Your world is the US in the 21st century. That's a pluralistic, individualistic society with empowered women. Women decide what they do and don't want as it relates to visitors when giving birth. Individual patient preferences trump all subcultural norms when it comes receiving visitors in hospitals. How is it that after all these years at this board with thousands of discussions like these that it still needs to be explicitly stated that different people feel differently about things, so plan accordingly, and traditionalism for its own sake is an outlier. Whatever was the norm of yesteryear that you knew, it's no longer applicable. Update your reference point and move on without a fuss for everyone's sake, especially your own. This board is like Ground Hog Day sometimes. We've been here before and covered these cultural themes at length again and again.
  25. I loathe spectator sportsball for many philosophical and sociological reasons. I won't go into detail because it would offend a lot of people. Also, you know that thing inside people making them capable of caring about the location of a ball? I do not have that thing. My husband has many great qualities. One of them is that he doesn't care about spectator sportsball.
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