gardenmom5 Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 (edited) my grandmother used to lay guilt trips that sent postcards - so, I can still be prone to them. so - please help. 1sil dropped by. fine, no problem. we get along fine. shortly after arriving, she said how 2sil told her she could come to her thanksgiving (14 adults, 8 children), but not her kids. she was fishing for an invitation, and even commented when none was forthcoming. 2sil is one reason I don't host thanksgiving anymore - but on this I fully agree with her. I'd be happy to host 1sil, not her kids. actually - I'd be happy to host three of her four children. he would be the only who also doesn't have anywhere to go for thanksgiving. If it was only her (or even any of the other kids) - I'd add another place, no problem. her son .. . no, just, I don't want to *have* to "handle it". I'm feeling guilty because I won't invite him, and it's making me anxious. please help, talk me down. eta: spelling UPDATE: wow, just . . . .wow. 1sil's son "B", just sent an email to dh and 2sil's asking if they could stop by after dinner for dessert to visit with everyone. :ohmy: ANY remaining guilt I was struggling with about not inviting them to dinner . . . just flew out the window. dh and I agreed they could come by friday afternoon/evening for dessert. there is even some precedent for this - as there have been a couple times when 1sil's kids did come by for pie on friday. my girls won't be there, as they both live elsewhere. 2dd isn't even coming from texas. Edited November 22, 2017 by gardenmom5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 You do not owe problem people a place at your table. Have a great, guit-free time with the people you enjoy. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 oh my, I could have written this except it's my aunt and her only son. I love my aunt. We all love my aunt. Everyone who knows my aunt loves her.... but her son...shivers... You do not have to do it...and you shouldn't feel guilty. (says the lady who guilt's herself into invited unwanted cousin every stinking time..) hugs... and don't feel guilty. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 oh my, I could have written this except it's my aunt and her only son. I love my aunt. We all love my aunt. Everyone who knows my aunt loves her.... but her son...shivers... You do not have to do it...and you shouldn't feel guilty. (says the lady who guilt's herself into invited unwanted cousin every stinking time..) hugs... and don't feel guilty. :grouphug: I'm sorry if you invited your cousin. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 ugh. families are hard. It's natural to feel guilty because you're a nice, good person. But it's ok to set boundaries too. You can be a nice good person to yourself this time around. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 It is way too late for her to be fishing for Thanksgiving invites. Even aside from whether or not you like that one kid. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 thank you everyone. it's helped. talking to dh about why this bothered me so much helped. working through that she was engaging in trying to make me "feel guilty for not inviting her and her obnoxious son" in an attempt to manipulate me and "make me do what she wants" (which she frequently, and resentfully, accuses her mother of doing) - was helpful. being able to dissect the behavior - and "see the manipulation" through each step along the way, was helpful. now, I'm just mad that she tried to make me "feel bad" becasue no one wants to spend thanksgiving with her son. his ex-wife dumped him for a reason. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceseeker Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Why doesn't she cook Thanksgiving for her own family? Then her son would be guaranteed a place at that table. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Do not second guess yourself. If she wants her DS to be able to spend Thanksgiving with someone she needs to host her own. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 she lives in a condo her children have provided for her. only two children live in the area, and her one married local child, is doing something else. so, it's just her and divorced son. they will probably do something themselves. if I wasn't so fed up with his behavior, (and after years of hosting dh's family) - it wouldn't be an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I'm sorry if you invited your cousin. :grouphug: This year I didn't... but I also didn't invite my aunt :crying: It's really the best way to deal with the situation. However, her son now has (another) live-in girlfriend. She has her own kids and I'm assuming they're planning their own Thanksgiving. The nice thing is that GF is very kind to our aunt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 (edited) Why doesn't she cook Thanksgiving for her own family? Then her son would be guaranteed a place at that table. I was wondering this too. Her kids are adults or close to it--maybe it's time for her to move to being the hostess for her own family? ETA: Sorry--didn't see your other post until after I wrote. Edited November 22, 2017 by Jaybee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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