What do you say to people?

[MicheleB]

Assuming you want to keep the relationship open (like, they're your close family members...), WHAT do you say to people when they say things like this to you?

 

(Taken from recent conversations with my family):

 

First from my mother: "What kind of learning disabilities does your ds have????" (said in a tone of, You're totally crazy; your ds doesn't have anything wrong with him at all; maybe it's YOU that has the problem).

 

When I explained that I already know ds has visual-perceptual problems, the reply was: "Maybe that's because he never has his glasses on." (Ds is notorious for losing his glasses.)

 

But the exchange just left me feeling 1) very vulnerable (I had "shared" my concerns and fears) 2) not believed! and 3) just plain mad.

 

Next conversation (said by my brother who is a special ed. teacher):

"Do me a favor, would you? Teach your 9.5 yo ds when his birthday is."

 

*SIGH* :glare::glare:

 

Um.... he can't REMEMBER when his birthday is, and WHY do you keep asking him? His birthday isn't until January anyway, so WHY is it coming up? (My brother has asked ds when his birthday is the last few times we've been together.)

 

To this I said, "He can't remember his birthday." And changed the subject.

 

I don't know... I know much of it is because it's *so* personal and you feel so helpless about things. And you take on some amount of guilt and blame for why your kids have learning problems, etc. So when you get these types of responses, it's so hard to know what, if anything, to say.

 

I try to generally avoid all of these types of discussions. But I had told my mother about our testing this month because we'll be staying at her house. I didn't think she'd say anything so crude as she did. :confused:

[stephanie]

I know what you mean. I get a lot of that from extended family who have absolutely no education on the problems of my ds13. He had ADHD/SPD and we were told he had a language deficit. It's usually the people who don't spend much time with him, but have the most opinions of what he needs. I hear, "That boy doesn't have any problems...he just needs a good butt whippin'." Yep, for real! I try to deal with my ds in front of them, purposefully trying to teach them what he needs in terms of encouragement and discipline. I hope one day they will pick up on it. I'm not much help, but I do understand!

[8filltheheart]

When our 16 yos was 5, we moved overseas. My parents told me to leave him with them for a few months so they could "fix" him. Yep, I could tell that would be a good plan since their main way of interacting with him was to yell NO every 2 secs. :blink:

 

I simply started telling them that he wasn't broken and the subject was not open for discussion.

[Kathy in MD]

I've been fortunate in that my family and dh's family have been very supportive. But.....

 

I'm appalled by your brother's comment. It's obvious that he has a very narrow experience and knowledge of his own field. Perhaps he needs to spend a year working with my sil to learn about children with truly severe LD's and handicaps. If you wish to be polite, I'd respond that you choose to focus on important info, such as his address, phone number and life skills. His birthday really is relatively unimportant information. After all, Einstein never learned his phone number, because he could always look it up! Alternatively you could ask him if he has suggestions on how to work with poor and non-existant memory problems. Then if it doesn't work, tell him next time you see your db!

 

If you want to be REALLY rude, question his professional expertise.

 

For your mother, does she need intensive training in what visual perception problems are and what little good glasses do for it? And then is she willing to be educated about it? If not, I'd go on a gentle attack. Ask her if she considers you, her dd, to be too dumb to be able to observe and research your ds's problems? I'd also tell her that many of your ds's problems remain even with his glasses on. And describe those problems.

 

One last thought, it would be hard to do after these comments, but does your mother need more details on your ds's problems? I know I'd use my dm as a sounding board about ds's problems, testing, therapies and successes. My mom may have been bored at times, but she had a better feel for what we were going through. And at times, she had suggestions.

[Kathy in MD]

Another thought, do you think it would help if your mother went with you to some of the pre-testing and post-testing meetings with the doctors? I wouldn't do it though if you didn't think she could avoid arguing with the doctors or interupting too much.

[Twinmom]

I hear, "That boy doesn't have any problems...he just needs a good butt whippin'." Yep, for real!

 

It took me moving across the country to get away from that attitude to finally make it start to change! We protected our kids by removing them from a situation with family that wasn't working for them. When the family members saw how much better they were doing without said comments, they began to soften up.

 

Amazing how that works, isn't it?! ;)

[dtsmamtj]

I gave up a particular friendship in order to protect our son.

 

 

T

[MicheleB]

As for my brother, he considers himself an expert in the field. He's taught for over 15 years, has a master's degree and is working on either a Ph.D or his principal's certification. He definitely has all the answers. :glare: I quit talking to him about anything educational-related a few years ago, due to his extreme bias against homeschooling and his "views" on things like Aspergers, etc.

 

My mom... she's just that way. I don't typically tell her anything, either. I did feel like I had to tell her at least why we would be staying at her house and what appts. we'd be going to. *SIGH* I won't be sharing much there anymore either.

 

You know, some people *want* to understand and some people don't want to and just don't care. And some people just think if you homeschool and your kids have "problems" it's your fault for not sending them to public school (as I think is the case with db and dm).

 

It's just sad sometimes... and you always feels on the defensive with some people...

[SheilaZ]

I just ignore them and wait.

 

When my 7 year old started ST and OT at age 2, I got lots of negative comments from our family.

"There's nothing wrong with him."

"I can't believe you're putting that baby through all that."

"You're just overreacting."

"He's not talking because you let him get away with it."

"He's just clumsy. Not every kid can be athletic."

 

But I ignored them and took him to therapy. Of course, as he got better, the tune changed.

 

"He sure talks well."

"He's gotten a lot better at running since he started that OT."

"You can't even tell he has Asperger's. That boy of so and so has autism and they do any therapy with him."

"He has made so much progress. That therapy has really helped."

"Do you think my child/grandchild needs to go to ST or OT?"

 

You just do what is right for your child. You are the parent....not all the rest of teh family.

[luna]

My heart goes out to you, knowing how very difficult those comments are, coming from your family. There have been many good suggestions, particularly educating those involved about what his needs are. My dd, 12, had epilepsy when she was young and now suffers from terrible anxiety, depression and has non-verbal learning disorder. She is bright in many ways, yet struggles with many, many things. It has taken me years to learn how to handle things with my family. Truly, the best suggestion after attempting to educate them, is to limit contact. For me, it is just too painful, yet I think unhelpful if I say something sassy to them. I still feel like it should be our families that offer the most support, yet they can be so hurtful, often without realizing it. I do realize a lot of it is me being ultra-sensitive, and I pray to learn how to handle things best. We have a week or two each summer and then again at Christmas when everyone is together (my four siblings, their spouses and 12 children) when it is most difficult. The other children have little patience for her lack of understanding and are starting to see her as just plain "different." It is so painful for me, and she feels it, too. I suggest you limit your contact, especially as your child grows and begins to feel their lack of compassion for his needs. Best of luck.

[Twinmom]

As for my brother, he considers himself an expert in the field. He's taught for over 15 years, has a master's degree and is working on either a Ph.D or his principal's certification. He definitely has all the answers. :glare: I quit talking to him about anything educational-related a few years ago, due to his extreme bias against homeschooling and his "views" on things like Aspergers, etc.

 

I know you know this...but that's no excuse for boorish behavior. I have a masters and 20 years experience in the field of children's mental health, and I would NEVER speak to someone that way. Sadly, he needs to get over himself. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are two different things.

 

I'm so sorry...just wanted to offer encouragement that it is HIS problem.

[Plaid Dad]

I'm sorry your family is being unsupportive. How frustrating! Grrr.

 

We found that one relative was more responsive to our dd's SPD diagnosis when we photocopied the OT evaluation and sent it to her. Seeing everything in black and white and quantified moved the issue from the category of "helicopter parents making a fuss over nothing" to "oh, hm, well, maybe there is something going on."

[Tarheel Heather]

My father kindly told my in-laws to not discuss the education of my children with them or myself again. It was a subject not to be brought up in thier presence. (My in-laws tried to have a 'secret' meeting with my parents about homeschooling the kids. My mom told me what was happening.)

 

My mil would quiz my kids when we were over there. Whether it be asking the time, reading, or having them write their name. She would even make them say there ABC's without singing. You tell me what child doesn't sing the abc's?

 

It has been two years since 'the meeting'. And I continue to ruin my children:D!

[elegantlion]

I know you know this...but that's no excuse for boorish behavior. I have a masters and 20 years experience in the field of children's mental health, and I would NEVER speak to someone that way. Sadly, he needs to get over himself. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are two different things.

 

I'm so sorry...just wanted to offer encouragement that it is HIS problem.

 

Thanks for posting that. My ds is possibly dyslexic and we noticed problems at the beginning of 3rd grade. My very college educated sister, who is so much smarter than me (according to her), told me to put ds in public school so they could fix him. Actually she said this to my mother, who passed along the info. I limit my communication with her, so I don't want to choke her. :glare:

 

It nice to think she is simply tactless and not too educated for her own good.