When you consider mother's day... do you...

[BMW]

think of what YOU'd like to do... or do you consider what your own mom wants to do (provided that she lives near you)??

 

If your parents lived nearby?

 

My MIL thinks that this day is all about her... and that we all should make plans that involve her...

 

My OWN children want to do what I would like to do as their mom...

 

So, what do you do?

 

My inclination is to consider what I, myself, would like to do with my children because they are in my home... I live with them and care for them all year long and they want to thank me...

 

On the other hand... MIL spent her years raising dh.

 

My original plan was to take a gift to her and share a meal with her. We did that yesterday. While we were there she stated that she wanted to celebrate Mother's Day on Sunday, not any other day... and expects dh to take her out to lunch, just the two of them today.

 

But, dh and the children want to share today with me and do whatever I'd like to do.

 

What do you do?

[Murphy101]

LOL well dh and I are laughing over this this morning.

dh said he'd take mil out to eat, but her taste in food is terrible, as in the most bland non-taste food ever. ick. He and *I* on the other hand hate bland food.

 

dh read your subject and said, "who has more kids?!"

 

dh is an only child, we have 9 = I get mother's day.

well that and dh is guided by his stomach and doesn't want to eat bland food.:lol:

that and my mil is fond of saying "there's a reason I only had one kid" which translates to she doesn't want to spend the day with 9 grandchildren around.:glare:

 

and the bonus is that it's highly likely that at least for a time, even when I become the grandmother, I'll still when on the "more kids" plan. dh is always thinking ahead for me like that.:D

 

so dh called his mom and wished her a happy mother's day and that's it.

 

for my mother's day, I received a bench for my front patio, some tea that I like with flavored honey to sweeten it, wine, babybelle cheeses, and a gorgously illustrated book of saints for the year. And all the older kids went out and tackled our lawn (hmm think dh got what he wanted too LOL) And to sleep in as best one can with a breastfed baby.

 

I'm still in my PJs with awesome dunkin donuts cinnimon spice coffee.

 

Life is grand in mommy land today!

[Melinda]

We took MIL (and FIL) out for lunch yesterday and then ended up going and helping them out with a project at their house.

 

Today is mine. :)

[mom4him]

Well, I am a MIL and my middle son with the wife and children spend Mother's day doing what my Very dear dil wants to do. They generally take something to her mom and then........whatever she wants to do. He normally calls me in the late afternoon or evening and wishes me a happy Mothers day and we visit for a time.:001_smile:

I believe this is the way it should be and don't have a problem with it. My dil is an awesome lady. I would much rather have a good relationship with her than have them come and spend the day and her feel resentful or hurt about it.

The Word says that a man is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. It doesn't that I know of say that she is to do this but the husband is. I do believe there is a reason for that.

Just as an after though, if they did show up at my door this afternoon I would be thrilled knowing that it was truly HER desire to be here. Know what I mean?

think of what YOU'd like to do... or do you consider what your own mom wants to do (provided that she lives near you)??

 

If your parents lived nearby?

 

My MIL thinks that this day is all about her... and that we all should make plans that involve her...

 

My OWN children want to do what I would like to do as their mom...

 

So, what do you do?

 

My inclination is to consider what I, myself, would like to do with my children because they are in my home... I live with them and care for them all year long and they want to thank me...

 

On the other hand... MIL spent her years raising dh.

 

My original plan was to take a gift to her and share a meal with her. We did that yesterday. While we were there she stated that she wanted to celebrate Mother's Day on Sunday, not any other day... and expects dh to take her out to lunch, just the two of them today.

 

But, dh and the children want to share today with me and do whatever I'd like to do.

 

What do you do?

[eternalknot]

I make it all about my mom (who lives nearby). In years past, when my MIL has been local to us, we've included her and have generally celebrated as an extended in-law family at one or both homes throughout the day.

 

I'm who I am today because of my mom; it feels right to me, then, to defer completely to her wishes on however she'd like to celebrate the day. My time will come, but for now my children and I want Mother's Day be all about their grandmothers. I think it also sets a good tone, when they see that even as adults we continue to honor our mothers and fathers ~ we don't suddenly become equal to or more important than they, by virtue of aging.. That's the culture I grew up in, though, so that's what we do - and I'm fortunate to not have a mother as unreasonable as the MIL in the OP.

 

I think you (the OP) have been pretty reasonable in trying to compromise what MIL wants with what you want; that's all you can do, is to try. If she won't budge, then that's on her .. kwim? Either way, I hope your day goes the way you want it to ~ enjoy!

[Danestress]

by saying that I would visit with my Mom at her house and DH would visit with his Mom at her house. I usually have both to my house for lunch or dinner, and that's nice. But Friday I had a party here for my MIL's 75th birthday, and Saturday we spent the entire day at a wedding with my Mom, so I felt like I had done the "good daughter" thing already.

 

Apparently not, though, because DH and the boys were pretty insistent that we needed MIL to come here for dinner tonight and I can't have her without my Mom, so I am doing dinner AGAIN, lol. Something easy though, and the boys said they would clean the house.

[JFSinIL]

We all got together (us, in-laws, great aunt and uncle, cousins) and had a multi-Mothers Day/B'day family inter-generational party. We toasted everyone who was a mother...or related to a mother ;) and then had two cakes for the b'day kids (dd, 13 tomorrow and an Uncle close to 80). Earlier that morning we did dd's presents and my few Mom-day gifts....plus DONUTS!!!! :001_smile:

[Remudamom]

I'd tell dh to tell his mom to take a hike. But if she wanted to do stuff with us and not without it I'd welcome her.

 

Mother's day is my birthday too sometimes, so my mil has to do my thing at least one day on that weekend. This weekend is mine, mine, mine. But I don't mind mil coming along.

 

My mom is faaaar away.

[Danestress]

I got totally guilted into hostessing dinner at my house, but after dinner, I asked my Mom a decorating question, and before you could say, "it's all about me" I had everyone in three generations moving sofas, dragging carpets and placing lamps. The living room looks nice and everyone was happy with dinner!

[Emmy]

I cannot imagine! To my dh and I - it's a matter of who is in the thick of "mothering" that counts on mother's day. We typically do something with my mother on the day before or if not possible then, the Sunday before. Your dh needs to tell his mom (next year) I'm sorry but mother's day itself is reserved for our kids to celebrate their mom and I'm a part of that - but I'd be happy to do XYZ with you the day before. End of story.

[Danestress]

I feel like already have the best parts of mothering - darling boys in my own home who I can spend my time with.

 

To me, surely the hard part of mothering is when they are grown and have lives that are separate and busy. I get to enjoy my boys every day, and she only gets to enjoy hers once a week or so.

 

I would never want to make his mother feel like she is anything other than our favorite person to spend a day with. Or my mother either. I might complain (I guess I sort of did) and I don't judge anyone for choosing to do it differently because we all have different needs. But even though I was reluctant this year and would have liked to have given it a pass, I really do consider it a privilege to have a mother and MIL to honor, and I want my husband to cherish his mother because (1) he's setting the example for my boys and (2) she's a delight.

[kewb]

Wow, do we have the same MIL? Mine attacked me at my neices birthday party yesterday. Sorry, I don't feel like driving from NJ to LI on Mother's Day. I understand that she is hurt by it (and I told her so) but that does not make my feelings about the day of less importance. It is my day, too. She actually went on and on about how she is the matriarch. I prudently did not tell her that since her mother is still alive-no, she is not the matriarch. She was all "you see your mother on Mother's Day." True, my mother would drive from LI to my house so I would not have to travel with the kids. I have invited her to our house in the past but she is not willing to make the drive to me on Mother's Day, yet, I should be willing to do it. My MIL only wants us to go to her.

 

Long story short, I am also a mother and I put my immediate family first. Which is what we did in my family when I was growing up. When my children are grown and parents I will travel to them as long as I am able (and invited).

 

To me, Mother's Day is a Hallmark Holiday and what is important is getting together and celebrating many days throughout the year. And if it can be on a day that is not heavy with traffic that would be better.

 

Perhaps if I didn't have to spend my birthday with her every year because hers is the day after mine I might feel differently. Every year my birthday is ignored and a big deal is made about hers.

Edited May 11, 2009 by kewb

[Murphy101]

I feel like already have the best parts of mothering - darling boys in my own home who I can spend my time with.

 

To me, surely the hard part of mothering is when they are grown and have lives that are separate and busy. I get to enjoy my boys every day, and she only gets to enjoy hers once a week or so.

 

I would never want to make his mother feel like she is anything other than our favorite person to spend a day with. Or my mother either. I might complain (I guess I sort of did) and I don't judge anyone for choosing to do it differently because we all have different needs. But even though I was reluctant this year and would have liked to have given it a pass, I really do consider it a privilege to have a mother and MIL to honor, and I want my husband to cherish his mother because (1) he's setting the example for my boys and (2) she's a delight.

 

well, I agree. even tho my mil is decidedly not a delight.

I should have mentioned that this was one of MAYBE 4 mother's days I've ever had the kids/dh to myself, much less actually received a gift for it from anyone. (one was the birth of my 8th baby, this one, maybe 2 others) Normally my mil gets EVERY holiday, except Christmas (and boy does she grumble about not getting that one too). We go to where she is and do what she wants.

 

Dh and I are not big on making occassions gift-giving occassions. If we see something we think the other would like, and miraculously happen to have the funds to get it - we do, holiday or not. It is not the norm.

 

So this Mother's Day my dh had the choice of going to be with my mil sans me and the kids or being with me and the kids. He did as grown should and cleaved to his wife. If mil had wanted us all, he would have done that and I wouldn't have minded (much).

 

But she was having fil's brother and wife over and she doesn't want the kids to mess up the carpet she just had shampooed when she is having company over.:001_huh:

[BMW]

thanks for the stories and commiseration...

 

it ended up nicely handled here... mil stopped by for a short visit and some dessert... dh kept me from doing housework and did the cooking for the day and took me to the store to buy quilting supplies and I began an heirloom quilt from square my grandmother stitched over the years...

 

the BEST part of the day was when dh took me in his arms and said that he'd been reflecting over the time we've had together and what we've gone through and how much he loves me... aw!

[tristangrace]

Timely topic . . . I was just discussing this with a girlfriend. I feel a bit ambivalent. I think it's important to honor my mom and my MIL, and spending time with them on Mother's Day is one way to do that. In theory, it would be great to honor each mother with an "it's all about you" attitude--but in practice, it's impossible. The day can't be all about my mom AND my MIL AND me, can it? And since we do have to choose, I'm of the perspective that the priority goes to the "mom in the trenches", which is me.

 

Having said that, I don't care about which day is all about me--it doesn't have to be the official Sunday--and neither does my mom. My MIL, on the other hand, seems to place quite a bit of stock on having her children/grandchildren with her on the day. So we fell in with her wishes--which, to her credit, were also designed to honor me. We went to her house for a brunch "catered" (we brought food in) from her favorite restaurant. Our coming to her place made her feel like we were honoring her, and her going to the trouble of hosting brunch, made me feel like she was also honoring me.

 

Although I would have preferred to relax in my own home and eat food from my favorite restaurant, my in-laws live nearby and we have a good relationship, so it was a small sacrifice. I just wish it were a little less taken for granted that we'd spend the day with her, if you KWIM.

 

Susan

[LisaKinVA]

Well, since my mom is 600 miles away, and my MIL is 800 miles away... we send them a gift in the mail.

 

But, mother's day still isn't all about me.

 

I spent yesterday catching up on laundry, cleaning up piles, and working on my house plan (geez, you'd think we'd be done with that already!).

 

DH made sure I didn't have to cook, and the children brought be a basket filled with freshly picked flowers (from my dad's yard), my oldest dd made me a Mesopotamian Clay Tablet, which says "I love you mom."

 

But, I still didn't get my Mother's Day wish... "a clean house."

 

Although, it's better.

 

And, once 3/4 of the toys get hauled off to the storage unit this week, I will :D

[danybug]

I enjoyed spending the day with my mother Saturday celebrating with my family and my sisters. And then we spent time at my mom's Sunday before we made our way over to my MIL.

 

My personal feelings are that we should be honoring our Mother's who no longer have the little daily joys of enjoying the children. I want them to both know how much their continuing love and support of not only me and my dh, but now my dc means to us.

 

This is easier for me to say, because Mother's Day is not all that important to me. I enjoyed the homemade cards from the kids, the gifts of love and their presents! But my feeling is that it is just another marketed holiday, I would rather be honored daily by my children with their love and respect and by my dh with his appreciation and love, than to have a day about me.