Extensive travel & family life - make it work?

[Ginevra]

I'm dreaming of all the places I would like to see in the USA, let alone the world. But, let's say now even just the USA. What I *really* wish I could do is take at least a month in an RV and go west. (I live on the East Coast). Then, maybe other extended trips over the next few years; i.e. trek through New England; trek through South. The problem is dh's work. Yeah, those realities do invade. He is a contractor. We have traveled for a week before and he says that is the longest he can be gone. If I could even beg 10 days out of him, that would be the ultimate most he might agree to. So, then the idea of even taking a decent trek through Utah and Northern AZ seems pretty difficult and expensive. It would involve flying out and then RVing it, which then become difficult due to the expense of us all flying.

 

The thought of going out without dh has crossed my mind, but that seems unbearably crass. "You stay here and make the money, darling; I can spend it fine without you." Plus I just don't like the idea that these are the memories the kids are making - all these wonderful experiences and dad is home, pulling the grindstone.

 

Anyone know where I'm coming from?

[JennifersLost]

Sometimes our dreams come up against realities.

 

Back when dh was working for a company and I wanted to travel, he told me it would cost $100,000 for us to take a year off and travel without losing the house. This was his way of dissuading me.

 

So I made a chart and stuck it up on the back of our door - my monthly savings goals toward that $100,000. At the time I was doing daycare, so I had money to save. I thought it was so great to watch that money pile up toward my "goal". Meanwhile, dh was getting more and more upset. That 100,000 was just a random number. It didn't take into consideration our retirement, college costs, braces, etc.

 

Lots of things happened next, but what ultimately happened is that dh quit his job, I quit daycare, we sold our house, a car and just about everything else, and sort of hit the road.

 

We have traveled extensively around the US and Canada these past five years, but of course we have new realities. We cut costs to the bone to be able to travel for several months each year. We don't go to a bunch of new destinations; we spend time with family and I've posted some fairly hysterical posts about the consequences of that.

 

I'm also about to begin working again (daycare - yay!) because we still don't have college and braces completely figured out. In many ways my life is a lot better since all our radical changes. On the other hand, I miss my old friends and my old life a lot.

 

After all is said and done, I would caution anyone pining for adventure to make sure that they also appreciate what they've got. We've all been raised on these stories of the incredible trip around the country/world/etc. And travel is wonderful. But it isn't always "all that".

 

I totally understand where you're coming from. I really do. But if I were in your position, I would think about several things:

 

1. How can you make your present life an adventure? How about researching every 1 day, 2 day, 3 day, etc. trip it's possible to take right now without stressing out your hubby.

 

2. How can you work toward a shared travel "vision" - maybe enough in the future that you can save toward it and figure out how to work around your dh's job?

 

3. Can you set a specific long term goal that you begin speaking about now: "when dd turns 16, I want to travel for a month in an RV. I really hope we'll be able to do this as a family." Sometime when I really want something I have to plant a seed in dh's head and then back off for a long time before he comes back with his own plan to make it happen. This used to drive me nuts. Now I just accept it. His plan is usually very different from my plan, but it's often much more practical, too.

 

Most importantly, make this idea just one thing you think about. Don't make it the one thing you "can't have" - don't obsess about it. If it turns out that you can't make it happen, let yourself find a new script for happiness for your future.

[Ginevra]

That is exceedingly good advice and thank you for it.

 

We have traveled extensively around the US and Canada these past five years, but of course we have new realities. We cut costs to the bone to be able to travel for several months each year. We don't go to a bunch of new destinations; we spend time with family and I've posted some fairly hysterical posts about the consequences of that.

 

Not to covet or anything, but that sounds so thrilling.

 

After all is said and done, I would caution anyone pining for adventure to make sure that they also appreciate what they've got. We've all been raised on these stories of the incredible trip around the country/world/etc. And travel is wonderful. But it isn't always "all that".

 

Good advice. And I do love my daffodils. I'm just getting that itch, I think a lot of people feel it at times, like my life is just passing me by. One day it could just be over or ending and there is my "bucket list", stretching out away from me, leaving me to wonder why laundry and clean floors took up so much of my infinitesimal time.

 

And your Point#3 is a good one; one I've learned to do with my dh over the years. And that particular travel goal would definitely be Grand Canyon and Utah area.

[MamaReese]

I have been thinking the same thing...I could almost have written this same post. We live on the West Coast and I have never been past Montanta or Arizona. I would love to take the family and travel for 4 to 6 weeks.

 

See my Dh doesn't like to travel, hates to fly, gets antsy on long car trips, basically he is a home body and would rather stay at home on his days off. I have mentioned going and seeing YellowStone, the Grand Canyon, visiting my parents in Arizona, doing Disneyland and the coming back up through California. His response was, "great just wait until we have our next contract (for work) and then you and the kids can go". I feel so sad by his response and like you think of the memories my kids are making yet without their dad, very sad and frustrating. I to have the thought of "Oh you stay her honey and make the money while I spend it." However, I have decided for me that I sholuldn't hold back doing fun and exciting things with the kids, just because he doesn't like to travel.

 

So I have been looking into renting (privately) or possibly buying an RV and taking 4-6 weeks next spring and heading east. We are studying American History this next year and I thought it would be so much fun to go and visit some of the places we had studied. I am doing daycare right now and on most month we have some extra to save, so I am trying to pinch our pennies and save up enough to make this a reality.

 

Now, I do have to say it might be different if my DH wanted to go with us, but just couldn't because he had to work. Then I guess it might be a few years and we would have to say more so that we could still pay the bills while we traveled for that amount of time. I think if you plan and save it can be a reality, it just may take longer to get there.

[Brilliant]

I hear you. Wouldn't it be fun if our dh's had all that great flexibility we enjoy with homeschooling?

 

One thing you might be able to do is get *most* of what you want by adjusting your expectations. Instead of taking a month in an RV...can you get your hubby to agree to 10 days? Then fly to your destination, rent an RV, and spend the 10 days doing everything within a reasonable drive. You won't be able to do the entire West. But you could do, say, California. Then next year you could do Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, Idaho. Etc.

 

I wouldn't do it without my husband for the reasons you mentioned. We "split up" the family sometimes - I do something w/ dd for a weekend, and dh takes ds hunting - but I wouldn't do it for a huge trip like this.

[eternalknot]

One of the reasons we continue to homeschool is because we travel often. In the past eight years about 75% of the travel involved taking my kids to see their father (whether he was across the Pacific or merely across the country) but that is no longer a necessity because he very recently moved very near to us.

 

Still. We travel a lot. I completely empathize with your wanderlust :)

 

Surely he has an off-season? Perhaps if you take smaller mini-trips (10 days or less) throughout the year, and then every other year during his off-season take a "big trip" (monthlong or so) that maybe he can save up vacation time for (or otherwise plan well ahead for/around). Might that work?

 

How about a compromise that matches your desires (extensive travel, including husband) to his realities (work schedule) -- rather than the entire family flying, why not just have DH fly? You and the kids can make the RV trek and he can fly out to meet you for the region-specific part of the trip. You can either all drive home together, or he can fly back home ahead of you if need be. Might be a good trip to invite family or friends to share the full experience with, too, and DH still gets to be a big part of the memory-making.

 

I'll say that my kids' dad has never felt slighted that we travel without him the remaining 25% of our trips. If anything, it makes him feel good that he can 'give' us these opportunities by supporting us financially and emotionally - even if it means he doesn't always get to participate in the travels. And truth be told, he has confessed that as much as he loves us .. sometimes it's his own little vacation to have the house to himself for a few days. Especially after a long day at work! I relate well to that m'self ;)

 

I hope you can find a way to make it all work for you!

[BakersDozen]

First of all, we live just 2 hours or so from the Grand Canyon, Sedona, Phx, etc. so if anyone wants to do a house swap I'm up for it! I want to take my dc back East where I grew up. I'm serious - what a blessing it would be to not have to worry about hotels and all that! We've considered the RV thing as well. As for dh...he knows that travel such as I want to do would not involve him. Right now we plan for 2 weeks of travel with him each year. We've gone to Mexico and CA together which works for now. When we do our big trip back east he will not be able to join us which is a bummer yet it is important for us that our dc get that experience.

[TXMomof4]

I think this is something you'd just have to talk to dh about. We're in a funny situation - dh is deployed, we homeschool, he makes more money when he's deployed than he does when he's not - so travel is something the kids and I can actually do while he's gone. Of course, when he's here we can take short trips, but it's not possible for him to take a month off of work.

 

When we went to Germany this last December, I felt terrible. Here he is alone at Christmas, in a foreign country, in a combat zone - and I'm traipsing around Europe having a grand ole time! I talked to him about it and he was adamant that I go and experience these things. He knows that even if we go on a trip to Europe, it won't be for a month, my brother won't be there to give us a place to stay...the situation just made it a 'logical' thing to do.

 

He did ask that we not go to Colonial Williamsburg without him. He wants to be there for that experience, so we'll wait for him. Each situation is different.

[FourOaks]

I'm with you all in this! I get wanderlust constantly and find myself dreaming of the "if only we could pack up and go" fantasy. It's actually a weekly/daily thought of mine about whether we sell our little pop up and try traveling more to cabins, etc. My inlaws also just upgraded their timeshare plan (which was not being used to begin with). Supposedly now my FIL is open to his children using it, so my hubby and I are trying to figure out if there is a way we can go somewhere new every year.

 

In case you didn't know, we have started a house swap group. Go over and join if you are really interested in getting involved in swapping. My house will be going on there soon. :001_smile:

[Starr]

My ds and I are always thinking of great adventures. My dd and dh won't come along. :( lol

[Ginevra]

One thing you might be able to do is get *most* of what you want by adjusting your expectations. Instead of taking a month in an RV...can you get your hubby to agree to 10 days? Then fly to your destination, rent an RV, and spend the 10 days doing everything within a reasonable drive. You won't be able to do the entire West. But you could do, say, California. Then next year you could do Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, Idaho. Etc.

 

 

I have been considering this and it may actually work out this way. Although I am a little bit chicken to drive waaaaayyyyyyy out there by myself. I could get over it, but still....:driving: (I don't me all by myself, but as the only driver.)

 

urely he has an off-season? Perhaps if you take smaller mini-trips (10 days or less) throughout the year, and then every other year during his off-season take a "big trip" (monthlong or so) that maybe he can save up vacation time for (or otherwise plan well ahead for/around). Might that work?

 

Not really. There are slow times, of course (like now), but we don't know in advance when slow might happen. In my opinion, it's not that it is *impossible* for him to go away, I think it is more of a control-freak aspect. His brothers are all contractors, too and it would be nothing rare for a brother to help with any issues that have to be handled while he's gone. I think he just doesn't want that to be the case. He wants to manage it himself. He hasn't said it just so, but I've read between the lines.

 

The house swap thing is an idea - seriously. I might have to look into that possibility.

 

I also wanted to mention that I'm not beyond the possibility of taking a trip without him. I just don't want it to be the main of how it is. Last fall, I went to Colorado with just one of my kids, for my brother's wedding. I stayed six days, so I could see the area and really, it was FANTASTIC! Probably the best time I've ever had on any vacation. But I did continously feel it was too bad the rest of them were not seeing the sites we saw and experiencing the things we did.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

We're in a similar situation. We are stationed overseas, but it is increasingly clear that dh will not be able to enjoy any time exploring this country or neighboring countries. I managed to take him up to another city a couple weeks ago to see a demo of samurai archery. It was the first time he'd been out with us for three months.

I ended up asking him point blank and he looked at me and said, "Please take my children and go see Japan. I can't go and I don't want you guys to miss seeing what is here. Someday you can sit down and tell me all about it."

 

It certainly isn't my ideal, since I'd rather not do all the train travel and getting to a hotel and sheparding the kids without another adult. But the thought of not having the experiences at all is worse. But the point is that we had a specific conversation about it, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to thrill him with the cool things the kids see, not upset him that we're having fun without him.

 

Having said all that, doing the RV thing without another adult would not be high on my personal list. I think that sort of thing is better with more than one adult. Just for safety reasons (driving, hookups, parking etc).