I need your expert opinions. Yes, It's me, I've got a problem.

[~FireFly~]

I need to whine and I need some advice.

 

My ds16 is in his first year of public school since kindergarten. In the beginning he was doing very well, had a 4.0, was invited to join the Beta Club, making friends, etc.

 

In the beginning of school he would not sign up for honors classes and the guidance counselor sided with him on having an "easy year". So, me being me thought, "well, he has been out forever, maybe the pressure and changes would be too much, HA!"

 

Now he's failing Alg 2, cutting classes, dabbling in "refer", girls, girls...and eventhough he denies it I'm sure he's smoking regularly.

 

He started a job a few weeks ago where they do drug testing (sigh) so far he's passed them, but I still know better. It's all in the timing. And he's dating a wonderful girl (I think) who actually has her head together and hopefully can/will help him gain some grounding?

 

We gave him an ultimatum to either stop jerking around, get serious, bring up the grades, go to class, turn in your work....or else your coming home. He has a few weeks before the next report card comes out.

 

What do y'all think? Give me your best shot b/c it's not been happy or healthy around here lately. He has three months left until the summer and then one whole year. I cannot even get the guidance counselor to call me back. I do have email contact with most of teachers and once I started prying about his attitude, they've started contacting me one by one about the cutting and bad grades, etc. I absolutely hate this school! The only reason we allowed him to go is b/c for a few years he asked "pLeAsE, let me go to school".

 

This whole thing has affected our entire family from our 10yob to our 18yob. I'm affraid if we pull him he will rebel even harder, that would be a mess.

[Ria]

I'm sorry you are going through this. For what it's worth, I don't think things would change if you brought him home at this point in the year. My homeschooled-all-the-way-through kids have friends who went through the same stuff. If a kid is going to fall prey to this, it's going to happen. And, really, better to happen while he's still at home than when he's gone, kwim?

 

So, my suggestions....

 

1. Monitor his every move. If he's not at school, he's at work. If he's not at work, he's at home. End of discussion. Leniency depends on the next set of grades.

 

2. Talk to his teachers...the ones whose classes he's failing/struggling. Make sure you know each day what is gone over in class (there's probably a syllabus...ask your son, or email the teacher). Go over this daily. Yep...stay on top of it just like you did when you were homeschooling. Look at the assignment, monitor the time spent on it, and check it over before school the next day. Sometimes it's the kid who is just not paying attention, sometimes it's the teacher who is not clear, sometimes the teacher is a moron (not often, but yes, it happens). If you stay on top of the assignments and grades, you'll be okay.

 

3. Lay down the law: tell him the grades he must get in order to go back to school next year. Be fully prepared to bring him home if he doesn't show significant improvement.

 

Ria

[JudoMom]

I don't have any answers for you, but I've been wondering about you. Sorry you're having a hard time. :grouphug: to you.

[Lori D.]

((((Firefly)))) Hugs and encouragement! Just adding to Ria's thoughts -- keep him BUSY, PHYSICALLY TIRED, and get his focus off of self and onto others:

- lots of sports

- paid jobs and/or jobs around around the house where he lifts heavy items, digs ditches, pours concrete, etc.

- community service -- soccer coach to younger kids team; yardwork for elderly neighbors; clean trash up from stream, road, park, or other public area

 

All that physical work might also help him remember why it's a good idea to excel in school -- so he's not limited to that as a career later in life because he let the option of academics and college drift away while he goofed off. ;) Very warmest wishes that this difficult time will soon pass! Lori D.

[SonshineLearner]

And...remember that his money is your money until he's 18. I would have him give me his check....and give him back small amounts. Save the rest for whenever you want to give it to him. Of course, explain before about how it'll go. Also, explain that you work...or you work at home doing physical work..... (so he doesn't just "quit")

Carrie

PS, I've seen what happened to my friend's daughter when she worked, got the money....spent it on not ok stuff...and go the attitute of "it's my money and I can do as I please."

[JWSJ]

The only reason we allowed him to go is b/c for a few years he asked "pLeAsE, let me go to school".

 

Why did he want to go to school?

 

Does he actually still like school?

 

Does he think it is having a negative effect on himself?

[Lori D.]

Those are such good questions! I just spoke with a friend whose daughter begged for 2 years to go to the public middle school (for her, it was wanting the social scene). Finally, they allowed her to. Within the first week she was overwhelmed by the homework, but more -- by the "social scene" -- repeatedly being offered condoms because "you're so cute, you're going to need them", the cliques, etc. She thought she would just have to tough it out, since this was what she had asked for and the family had made a decision to do so; after another family talk in which they discussed the pros and cons etc., she was the one initiating wanting to come back home. Perhaps your son is feeling stressed by all the peer pressure -- or even to change his mind about the public school decision would feel like "loss of face" to him -- and a real heart-to-heart asking him those questions of JWSJ's would open the door to mutual decision and positive change? More hugs ((((Firefly))) ! Warmly, Lori D.

Edited March 21, 2009 by Lori D.
added info for clarification

[mcconnellboys]

I'm so sorry! I'm afraid I'd ground him from all outside activity. Take him to school myself, and call the front office - often, if necessary - to insure that he's still in class. I'd ask for daily or at least weekly updates on grades from all teachers. I'd let him see his good girlfriend only at our house. I'd take him to and from work. I'd give him no money and the money he earns would go into a savings account that he cannot access without parental permission. You can buy drug tests to do at home, too, if need be. If he fails anything, then he needs to make it up over the summer, although I don't think I'd put him at THAT school because those around him in summer school would probably be all very bad influences..... It sounds like that school is definitely not right for him. I'm so sorry you're going through all this!

[dymphna57]

"For what it's worth, I don't think things would change if you brought him home at this point in the year. My homeschooled-all-the-way-through kids have friends who went through the same stuff. If a kid is going to fall prey to this,"

:iagree:

All a great mom, and you are a great mom, can do is monitor there very movement, keep their money and know in their heart who this young man is.

My dd , a teacher, says that so many parents just don't want to know.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[MamaT]

I'm so sorry! I'm afraid I'd ground him from all outside activity. Take him to school myself, and call the front office - often, if necessary - to insure that he's still in class. I'd ask for daily or at least weekly updates on grades from all teachers. I'd let him see his good girlfriend only at our house. I'd take him to and from work. I'd give him no money and the money he earns would go into a savings account that he cannot access without parental permission. You can buy drug tests to do at home, too, if need be. If he fails anything, then he needs to make it up over the summer, although I don't think I'd put him at THAT school because those around him in summer school would probably be all very bad influences..... It sounds like that school is definitely not right for him. I'm so sorry you're going through all this!

 

:iagree:

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I agree with the other posts. I would add:

Go sit in the office until someone talks to you.

OR

Forget getting guidance from the school and have a planning session with your son.

 

The planning session with your son might be the best. If he wants to stay in PS, then write up a work/school plan that will meet HIS goals over the next couple of years.

 

Does he want to go to college?

Does he want to work a few years?

What job can he get now to prepare him for "what he wants to be"?

What subjects does he need to take?

What is the minimum grade for YOU to accept?

When does he plan on leaving home? Will he be financially prepared?

 

My friend with a 16yob in 11th at PS just sat down with her son a few weeks ago. She and her dh sat down with him and let him talk about EVERYTHNG that was factoring into his school performance. Academic and social. Then they came to an agreement about finishing this year and summer job expectations. She told me that he has made a dramatic turn around since having the planning session.

 

And, if this helps at all, I am having some problems with my 16yo 11th grade ALWAYS homeschooled daughter. We've been having some talks and I intend to have a planning session with her in the coming weeks.

 

Some problems are faced in PS. Other problems may be faced in HS. But, I think the main problem is a LACK of FOCUS.... floundering between childhood/adulthood.... making life decisions.... setting goals for oneself... and then understanding that today's actions WILL influence the next years of life.

 

Just my humble opinion,

Pam

[Jackie in NE]

I agree with the other posts. I would add:

Go sit in the office until someone talks to you.

OR

Forget getting guidance from the school and have a planning session with your son.

 

The planning session with your son might be the best. If he wants to stay in PS, then write up a work/school plan that will meet HIS goals over the next couple of years.

 

Does he want to go to college?

Does he want to work a few years?

What job can he get now to prepare him for "what he wants to be"?

What subjects does he need to take?

What is the minimum grade for YOU to accept?

When does he plan on leaving home? Will he be financially prepared?

 

My friend with a 16yob in 11th at PS just sat down with her son a few weeks ago. She and her dh sat down with him and let him talk about EVERYTHNG that was factoring into his school performance. Academic and social. Then they came to an agreement about finishing this year and summer job expectations. She told me that he has made a dramatic turn around since having the planning session.

 

And, if this helps at all, I am having some problems with my 16yo 11th grade ALWAYS homeschooled daughter. We've been having some talks and I intend to have a planning session with her in the coming weeks.

 

Some problems are faced in PS. Other problems may be faced in HS. But, I think the main problem is a LACK of FOCUS.... floundering between childhood/adulthood.... making life decisions.... setting goals for oneself... and then understanding that today's actions WILL influence the next years of life.

 

Just my humble opinion,

Pam

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Firefly

 

I have not been where you are, but I can sure feel your frustration and disappointment.

 

Pam's planning approach makes sense to me because it places the responsibility for the future squarely on the shoulders of your ds. It may really help him to think past the end of his nose!

 

Does he want a good future? The decisions he's making today will certainly impact the likelihood of a decent future. I think that sometimes our kids see others getting away with all kinds of stuff, and just decide to take the easy road and follow them. My brother did that. He just recently got out of jail after his 3rd dui. Share THAT with your ds. (In my opinion, they should have thrown away the key, because 10 days in jail hasn't changed him in the least..... but that's another story).

 

Hugs to you, and prayers going up for you and your family. Please let us know how this goes for you.

 

Jackie

[~FireFly~]

Thank you all for letting me vent. I think I must have had a "slight" break down the other day.

 

All said here DH and I have discussed recently and completely agree.

 

As much as I would like to bring him home I agree w/ it not being right, right now. We've told him that his grades have to come up or he will be home next year. I am in contact with his teachers now b/c I contacted them, they would've never said a word. We asked him why he wanted to go to school in the 1st place. He only needs English IV next to graduate. He could start in the fall at the local college (where ds18 is attending) just take an English or an elective to get his feet wet, kwim?

 

I've told him that I want his schedule posted on the fridge weekly - if he doesn't post it I will have to visit the manager to get it. His paycheck will be direct deposited, all purchases have to be apporved and I need receipts.

 

We allowed he and his girl friend to go out last night (their 1st month anniversary-whatever) he came home an hour late. So, today he was supposed to go to work and come straight home - no leaving, but that she could come over for dinner and a movie - more than fair. While I was at church he called in sick and went over to her house, they had planned to go to the beach - he said she was upset and needed him.

 

So, now he has 2 weeks of tomato staking. Go to school - come home. Go to work - come home. If he wants to see his gf she has to come to our house. I really did like her at first, now I'm wondering if I was wrong. I mean she'd take him to work then come back to our house for a while to visit w/me or play a video game w/ds10. I just don't know.

 

Aren't you glad I popped back in to share the drama that is my world?

 

Oh, we're still waiting to find out the diagnosis of ds18 - remember he has some kind of connective tissue disorder, possible marfan's, but the test come back neg? April 3rd he goes in for his 2nd echo cardiogram. I can't believe it's been a year.

 

I love you gals.

Thanks again for all the great advice, esp. since we all agree:O) This too shall pass, right?

~Stephanie

[Laurie4b]

I don't think it's a school-setting dependent situation.

Two books that I think are helpful are: Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Cline and Fay and Teen-Proofing by John Rosemond.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: Nothing to add, just wanted to send a hug.