PollyOR Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I feel so guilty! Someone left a message on my answering machine today that they had a schedule conflict and needed a sitter, and I decided not to return their call. She called a second time, and so I know she had a hard time finding someone. I've posted about interruptions during homeschool before. I've decided to limit visits, calls, etc. during school hours, yet it leaves with me with a huge amount of guilt. How do you overcome guilt when you are trying to keep your own priorities first? Thanks, Polly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 :lurk5::bigear: :grouphug: for what it's worth, you did the right thing :) I'm terrible at 'no' too, but as a fellow-unable-to-say-'no'-person, I think you did the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Practice:D I think you did the right thing too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria/ME Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I have a similiar situation. I homeschool therefore I am "free". It's hard to let go of the guilt, but then I think "This is my job. Would they interrupt my JOB if it wasn't homeschooling? No." Would they call a TEACHER and ask for help? Out of the question. So what makes it okay to call your homeschooling friend? Once I started to put value on my time and what I do here at home I started to let go of some of the guilt. I have told same friends that I would be happy to help but last minute is NOT okay. I need at LEAST three days notice. And I should edit to add "let go of SOME of the guilt". I think we are trained to see "no" as a "not nice" thing to say. SIGH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in IL Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Put on your answering machine the hours of school and when phone calls will be returned. Businesses do that, so can you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I struggle with this same guilt. A friend who is now divorced wanted me to watch her kids on an ongoing basis, and I said 'no'. I don't answer my phone during the day unless I hear on the machine that it is an emergency. I don't like saying 'no' however I also know that I have my limits and I can't do what needs to be done with my own family while also helping out every friend. I want to be gracious and available yet need to find balance - not something I'm good at as I want to help everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Put on your answering machine the hours of school and when phone calls will be returned. Businesses do that, so can you. :iagree: It takes about 30 seconds to re-record my message. You could change it for the evening/ weekend if you like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I just think of it as this is my job. She wouldn't call her husband at work to babysit during work hours, so the same is true for you. :-) I feel no guilt at saying no to things that interfere with our school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 (edited) I can't say I ever feel guilty about saying no. Maybe that's because I hardly ever say yes, so no is my normal modus operandi. In the situation you described, I probably would've at least given the person a quick call back to say, "I'm not available". Guilt, as you described, is entirely a matter of choice. No one even did anything to try and lay a guilt trip on you. You've manufactured a reason to feel guilty. That leads me to think that deep down inside, you derive some sort of pleasure out of the guilt. You want to hear others assure you that you did the right thing. It's a standard female scenario. Woman #1: I feel so guilty that... Assorted Other Women: Oh, you shouldn't feel bad about that! You did the right thing! I would have done the same thing! Woman #2: Do you really think so? I just feel bad that... Assorted Other Women: Honestly, you shouldn't give it another thought. At which point, you've not only relieved yourself of the manufactured guilt, but created a reason for people to rally around you. (Btw, when I say "you", I'm speaking in generalities. Not trying to pick on you.) So don't manufacture the guilt and seek reassurance. If you truly believe you did the wrong thing, make a different cnoice next time around. In this case, you truly believe you did the right thing. So that's that. Edited February 26, 2009 by Colleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Boundaries is a book all about how to say no... and feel good about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Colleen, I appreciate you sharing a different perspective. I'll have to think on it. It felt very real - increased heart rate, worrying over if I did the right thing, feeling uptight when the phone rang again. I think it comes from being a pleaser and worrying that I might upset someone else. I have had a hard time being assertive as an adult. Having a different answering machine message during the day is a very good idea. :) And yes, this is a job isn't it? When my kids were younger I didn't have to put in the hours that I do now. I was a lot more flexible back then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I think it comes from being a pleaser and worrying that I might upset someone else. You need to categorise people into groups. People who pay you, or pay your bills are to be pleased whenever possible. Everyone else can be pleased when it's convenient. People who ask unreasonable things deserve to hear that scary "no" word, though you should try to say it politely... :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 If I responded to every request that others put on me, my children's education would be going down the tubes. I also work part-time at two jobs, and both of those jobs are always asking me to do more. As my father-in-law said over and over -- "a need is not a call." The question for me is always if I'm the one to do something, regardless of what others are or are not doing. If I neglect something else that I'm supposed to be doing into order to respond to a need, then I am not doing the right thing. Of course there are times that I have to drop everything and help out, but I don't do that every time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alison in KY Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Okay, I debated on typing this, especially since I pop in here occasionally and I don't "really" know everyone here. But I'd consider doing it. I have my answering machine take all the calls during the school day. And yes, some things inconvenience us, but then again where's that love thy neighbor part of things come into play. So, if this person doesn't routinely "use" you and you won't get caught up in them overusing you, then I'd say maybe next time, for the next person, you should do it. Even with my homeschooling, an unexpected hospital stay last year had me disrupting a couple homeschool family friends lives to watch my kids for a couple days. It wasn't the way I wanted it, and I'm sure I messed up their day somewhat, but at the same time, I would have done the same thing when they had a need. All that being said, I don't know if this was quite the situation here and I'm not trying to add to your guilt. If it was a rough day and this would have put you over the edge then it wouldn't have been a good place for the child anyway, but if it was just going to inconvenience you and interrupt your flow of life, then I'd say reconsider with the next phone call. Please don't hate me :) Alison in KY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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