Julpost Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I'm looking for advice and thoughts. Ds came to me this morning and asked if he could send flowers to this girl he likes. He feels like he is "competing" with two other boys and MUST do this. I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, I think it's kinda cute but on the other, I think if I let him, I'd be sending the wrong message. When I was his age, I was "going with" boys, so I remember the excitement and fun. But I don't agree with it anymore, I think he needs to learn how to be friends with girls right now and I actually don't even agree with dating, even at 16. I think when one is ready to settle down, that's the time to start "dating". I'm new to this line of thought though so I don't know that I'm doing a very good job explaining this to him. He's struggling because the other kids are already "going with eachother", he feels left out. But he also knows that we are trying to help him order his steps and not necessarily do what he wants to do, but what he should do, with an eye on the future & following Christ. So I did talk to him about all of this and he still wants to maybe send a generic card or something. I'm not sure what to do. I want to let him start making some decisions and it seems a relatively minor thing to just send a generic Valentines card. But I also think that if one is truly pursuing a friendship, why not send something for their birthday or something that celebrates them as a person, not just something for this day that symbolizes romance and love, which is clearly not the path he should be going down. I'm going to get that Josh Harris book Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye ASAP as well. I hope this made sense, I'm typing fast and trying to get my idea across while my 1 year old is destroying my bedroom!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeanestMomInMidwest Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 First let me say I despise how society (read - Hallmark) tries to make us feel about Valentines day. Forced "romance" is well....forced. That may be for another thread. Secondly, if he's sending flowers when he's 12, what's he going to be sending at 21? To me, sending flowers is an adult thing to do. Picking flowers and handing them to another child may be appropriate, but having flowers sent? Perhaps I'm an old fuddy-duddy, but I think allowing children to participate in adult rituals kind of cheapens those rituals for when they are actually adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oak Knoll Mom Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I would tell him that is sweet and thoughtful, but that is something that adults do for each other, not kids. Also, be honest with him that some kids his age may send flowers to each other, but that in your family that's reserved for grown-ups. And start communicating to him on a regular basis that he has many years in front of him and needs to spend this time getting to know lots of different girls. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I would tell him that is sweet and thoughtful, but that is something that adults do for each other, not kids. Also, be honest with him that some kids his age may send flowers to each other, but that in your family that's reserved for grown-ups. And start communicating to him on a regular basis that he has many years in front of him and needs to spend this time getting to know lots of different girls. :-) :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LND1218 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 As mom who agree with you on dating, I would not allow it. If you do this year, then what will he want to do next year - you know. I think your instinct is leading you in the right direction, but that can be very hard to convey to our children. There are great resources out there. I would really start this dialog now to lay out your expectations from here on. Dh and I have this conversation with our kids from a young age so there are no surprises. Our children will not be dating, and they will be able to start forming those relationship only when they are ready and able to follow through ie:get married. What is the point before that? I allow my kids to exchange Valentines and such, but not to single out oner person like that. If he really want to send something, I would allow him to only if he did it to all his group of friends, so he see that he shouldn't be singling out one girl. Does that make sense??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I wouldn't be very fond of a boy who sent her flowers. Now, if he came over and shoveled our driveway when it snowed, that'd be different. :D (And I'm serious here, if he wants to express to her that he likes her, he should help out her family. The flowers thing is too much, too easy, too suggestive....IMO) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Rittenhouse Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I'll suggest that a nice sized Valentine's Day lollipop (not one of those "all day suckers) tied with a small piece of red ribbon is all that is necessary... Or half a dozen red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses in a clear sandwich baggie tied with a red ribbon as an alternative.... Perhaps the child could make several of these simple valentines and give them out to all his friends, both boys and girls. A few simple extra words to his special friend would be all that is needed in this case and everyone would appear to be included equally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alte Veste Academy Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I wouldn't be very fond of a boy who sent her flowers. Now, if he came over and shoveled our driveway when it snowed, that'd be different. :D (And I'm serious here, if he wants to express to her that he likes her, he should help out her family. The flowers thing is too much, too easy, too suggestive....IMO) This was the first thing that occurred to me, although my daughter is only four. I would put myself in the position of the girl and her parents. As the mother of a daughter, it would creep me out for my daughter to receive such an over-the-top gift at the tender age of 12, WAY before I myself would allow her to begin relatationships with other boys beyond friendship. Flower delivery goes way beyond friendship to me. I agree with whoever said picking flowers could be appropriate. That's sweet and age-appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I think I would be okay with a generic "friends" Valentine card. I would encourage something funny or clever. But no, I think flowers at 12 is a bit much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMom Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I wouldn't be very fond of a boy who sent her flowers. ITA! I have a 12yo daughter and would find it totally inappropriate for a boy to show interest by sending her flowers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly IN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I have a 9 yr old dd. If she gets flowers at age 12 I would be upset that the boys parent allowed him to do this. Way too much and too suggestive. I agree that this is the adult thing to do. I have no problem for the whole family involved but not directed at a girl. My ds who is 14 will call up the girls that is his friend and wish them Happy Birthday but nothing for Valentines. Valentines = love holiday. We are not for dating so this is our perspective from being a parent to a girl and a boy. Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girligirlmom Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I still remember when I was about sixteen and dating this boy from another town who was 17 that I met through a church program around December - not my church or his - that he gave me white mittens for Christmas. It seemed to say, I like you, but in a safe way. At the time I knew his mom had a lot to say about what he picked. As a hopeless romantic at that age, I of course wanted jewelry or something, but I got white mittens. I also used to fantasize about marrying each guy I dated. I did wear the mittens often, especially when we went ice skating together. I don't think he was still "my boyfriend" by that summer. Now as a parent, I'm really grateful that I didn't get such an adult type of romantic gift or I might have thought there was more to our relationship than there should have been. So although my son is only 10 now, when he's 12 I doubt I would want him to give a girl anything, but if I did I wouldn't let it be something so romantic at such a tender age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julpost Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 I know, it's really hard to explain this to him because he thinks of himself as being almost an adult and certainly able to do adult things. He gets frustrated because he feels that dh and I hold him back. I don't want to hang over him and control everything he does but part of me can't help it because who knows what he'd do if I didn't. How do you balance being the mom and still letting him have some control over his life? I guess there's also a big difference between 12 and maybe even 16 or 17. It helps me to remember that. He turns 13 next month. And regarding the flowers, he has agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea. We live in VT so picking flowers is not an option. But I did tell him if he wanted to send generic cards to all of his friends, that was fine. I have a feeling he's not going to do that. He says he has a hunch that this girl likes him. He has liked her for the past 2 years. I'm not too excited about these hormone filled teen years if this is what it's going to be like. But thanks for all of the advice, I have a much better idea of how to handle this now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetTN Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I would tell him that is sweet and thoughtful, but that is something that adults do for each other, not kids. Also, be honest with him that some kids his age may send flowers to each other, but that in your family that's reserved for grown-ups. And start communicating to him on a regular basis that he has many years in front of him and needs to spend this time getting to know lots of different girls. :-) :iagree: I certainly would not appreciate my dd receiving flowers as a child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 http://jas.familyfun.go.com/arts-and-crafts?page=CraftDisplay&craftid=10520 http://jas.familyfun.go.com/arts-and-crafts?page=CraftDisplay&craftid=10113 I've also seen them where the stick of the lollipop is pushed through the flower, leafy thingy with either construction paper or felt. A compromise that more on age appropriate? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeOnTheRanch Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 My kids give seeds instead of flowers... Here is a blog post about it. I'm grateful there are other parents out there that consider things like this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 How much heartache can a guy take? I'd say the whole thing is for a girlfriend you already have (at an appropriate age) not a way to get one. Poor guy. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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