Why does it feel so wrong to stand up for myself?

[Pamela H in Texas]

A good friend just called and asked if I could do sick-child care. They were on the way to the child's "bus stop" (he goes to private school and the bus stops in a town 20 minutes from us) and kiddo threw up everywhere. She called her XDH 3 times but he won't pick up the phone.

 

I told her no. It was EXTREMELY hard for me, but I catch EVERYTHING and have had an ongoing tummy problem myself for a week now (not a virus; maybe I should get it checked out).

 

Now I feel guilty. I know she needs to go to work.

 

BTW, she says she totally understands but didn't think it hurt to try.

 

But why do *I* feel so bad?

[Kathleen in VA]

I'm guessing it's because you are a kind, caring person and you hate to leave anyone in a bad spot. You are compassionate and your heart goes out to your friend in her time of need. I do think you made the right decision, though.

 

Through whatever series of choices your friend has made up until now she has found herself in this situation. Now we all make choices that, at times, leave us with less than desirable circumstances and it is very nice when our friends come to our rescue even when we have made our proverbial bed and deserve to lie in it. However, I'm pretty sure your friend knew there was strong possibility that you would say no before she asked for your help due to the nature of the situation (possible catching of whatever the child has). Most likely, your friend was absolutely sincere when she said she understood but thought it was worth a try - no harm in asking, right?

 

She is an adult. Surely when she took the job and had children she knew there would be days when her child may not be able to go to school due to sickness. That's just a part of life with children, right? She will find a way to deal with it - maybe it won't be her first choice of finding someone to watch him while she goes to work - but she will figure it out.

 

It can be difficult to know how to respond in situations like this, especially for people like you who really do desire to be caring and supportive of your friends. You want to be there for her - but common sense says you are probably not the best person to ask for such a favor at this time. You are not being callous - you are being reasonable. She asked because she thinks of you as someone who may be able to help, but I'm fairly sure she was not surprised or disappointed in you as a friend because you said no.

Edited January 15, 2009 by Kathleen in VA

[Parrothead]

I'm very proud that you told her no. Don't feel guilty. It is her kid and her responsibility, not yours.

[Snickerdoodle]

Why would you feel bad? I wouldn't want my whole family to be potentially sick and throwing up so my friend could go to work. Yikes.

[Tree House Academy]

When my kids are sick, I take care of them. Is work more important than her sick child? If it is, then she needs to re-evaluate her priorities. I think you did the right thing by saying no. Not only would you have been exposed to the virus, so would your kids and that is just not cool at all!

Edited January 15, 2009 by Tree House Academy

[Erica in PA]

If it makes you feel any better, I would have told her no in this case, too. I really do try to put others before myself whenever possible, but in this case, exposing your entire family to a vomiting child is just too much. It would be *much* better for her to stay with her own child until she can get a hold of her dh. That is one of the risks you take when you work full-time while your kids are in school-- that the child will always be able to be in school while you're working. When that doesn't always happen, due to sickness, weather, school days off, etc., things get complicated. I'm sure under other circumstances you'd be willing to babysit, but not a very sick child. I think you did the right thing.

[OHGrandma]

I've said 'yes', and I've said 'no', whatever fit my circumstance at the time.

 

I've also been on the asking end. But *BUT*, I would never ask someone I felt could not say 'no'. I had no problem hearing a 'no', but I've always had a huge problem with hearing a 'yes' only to find out it was a huge imposition on the person and they resented saying 'yes', kwim?

 

Friends should be honest with each other. Don't feel too bad that you couldn't help her out in this situation.

[Pamela H in Texas]

When my kids are sick, I take care of them. Is work more important than her sick child?

 

Well, work is what allows her to put food on this child's table, put a roof over his head, send him to private school, be able to put him in sports, take him to doctors, etc.

 

I don't begrudge anyone for having to work. A single mom of two kids (14 and 6 in this case) has to work. Her kids are her priority and in order to take care of them adequately (or better), she has to work.

 

I'm sure she either ended up (she hasn't called back) getting her ex to take the child so she could work or calling her clients and apologizing for not being available today.

 

And I am glad I made the choice I did. I just wish I didn't feel funny about it.

[Danestress]

She doesn't want to or can't take a sick child to work. You are at work too. She's asking you to keep her sick son at YOUR work so that she can do her work. No go.

 

I would feel badly too because it's much nicer to do something when someone is in need than to say "no." But in this case, "no" is the right answer for you and for your children.

[Mommyof4ks]

I have that same 'problem' with friends that I know need the job. It is so hard to say no when you know they need to go to work or risk losing their job for too much time off (especially in today's climate). Ultimately you have to protect your family from the bug though, and you certainly did the right thing by saying no. Just remember that chances are it is a 24 hr bug, and he will probably go back to school tomorrow. There are lots of bugs out there right now.

[Kathleen in VA]

Pamela,

 

Just wanted to add that you still feel bad because you feel a strong sense of duty to your friend - most especially since she is single and must work. She is truly in a tough spot. But you really do have a higher duty to your own family. I have a feeling your friend probably feels guilty for having put the question to you in the first place.:)

 

It's just the nature of life and living in a less-than-perfect world. We want to help but we often are simply not able. Now is the time to trust that God will take care of her.

 

Since she has an ex who is close enough to help, she really ought to have called him first (no way to know at this point if she did or didn't). Just to say that, as his parents, they need to work out a system of what to do in these cases. I'm not trying to be harsh on divorced couples, but it just comes with the territory. There has to be a plan for what to do when the children are sick. Obviously, there is much more going on that plays into this situation, but given what you have shared, it just seems that they should already have a game plan for this kind of scenario, kwim?

 

Your first responsibility is to your own family. You are right to protect them and yourself (for your and their sakes).

 

I so feel for you - I'd be struggling too on this. Still, I feel you made the right decision all things considered. You still don't feel any better, do you?:)

[Amy loves Bud]

I understand how you feel. But just think how much worse you would feel if everyone in your house got sick because you couldn't bring yourself to say no.

 

Yes, she needs to work, and I can't fathom the pressure she must feel as a single mother to do just that, but one of the realities of parenthood is that your kids get sick and it's your job to minimize the potential that they will make someone else sick.

 

You did the right thing and shouldn't feel bad for putting your family first. Perhaps there is another way you can help her if you think she needs it - stopping at the grocery store, bringing a meal, etc..

 

You sound like a very good friend!

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that when we grow up kind of compliant and obedient, or at least with the expectation that we will be, it can be difficult to say no to a request. Especially if we are female. Like, for life.

 

How many times have you been asked out, and didn't really want to go, but couldn't stand the idea of saying no?

 

It's hard to blatantly take a position that defies or hurts someone else, even when, as in this case, it is totally the right thing to do.

 

I think that it is reasonable to feel sorry for this woman, but also to say no to her, but to feel sorry that you had to do so, but still feel good about it.

[Mom2GirlsTX]

I can so relate! I feel bad telling people no, but as I have gotten older, it has become easier. I agree with the other posters, it is just because you are obviously very sweet and a good friend that people turn to you, but that does not mean that you should not always do things for them. Sick, vomiting children are usually contagious, not some thing you need is to make everyone in your own family ill. Hugs, you are a good friend :001_smile:

[Shawneinfl]

but I just can't imagine asking anyone to watch my sick and vomiting child if it could potentially get their whole family sick too.

 

Of course I had a bad experience with a similar situation over the summer and it is still fresh in my mind.

[Rosie_0801]

But why do *I* feel so bad?

 

Habit, I would think. Not feeling bad gets easier with practise.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie