The kids are in charge.

[Doodlebug]

I didn’t read your posts as judgmental @Dianthus  I don’t think anyone in this thread has advocated for extremes in terms of social activities.  Rather, most recognize the pattern every family experiences periodically of being over extended and needing to re-evaluate priorities and activities.  Social activities are great, but mom, relationships, and basic expectations re school are the wheels on the bus, so to speak.  Stopping the bus to fix a tire or two is a normal aspect of homeschool family life and not a place to camp out forever.

[8filltheheart]

14 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

Goodness, @Ting Tang. I'm sorry you're being put on the defensive because you prioritize the kids' social lives.

It sounds you're having a tough time balancing everything. That's OK. You're not doing it wrong. It's YOUR family and you need to do what's right for THEM. 

I am not trying to put Ting Tang on the defensive.  I am asking her the same types of questions I ask my adult children when they are struggling with something.  You can't solve a problem and create a stepped solution until you actually identify the problem.  Ting Tang has posted numerous posts echoing the exact same thoughts as the ones in this post.  

She is obviously not thriving and hasn't been for IIRC at least a yr.   If she shares publicly what her struggles are, she should expect feedback.  Affirmation of a situation where both mother and children are not thriving is not helpful.  School is not getting done.  Her oldest ds does not respect her and fights her about school.  She feels like a failure and is overwhelmed.   I cannot imagine that she wants to live that way.  

What she writes in her posts definitely conveys that her dd's sport has priority.  That is not a wrong.  My motivation in posting has been to try to help her clarifiy her own thoughts bc I am not convinced that she sees that it has priority.  Understanding how things need to function starts with understanding how you WANT them to function.    If she wants her dd's sport to have priority, then she needs to determine how to make her family life fit that scenario in a way that allows every single person to thrive.  That means that her middle schooler is completing a middle school academic workload.  It means her children listen to her and respect her.  It means that all of the kids feel valued and so does mom.  

Her posts equivocate.  The problem is with the ds running over to grandma's or not listening.  The problem is too much time in the car driving to and from dd's sport practice.  The problem is having an orthodontist appt 2x per month.  The problem is school isn't getting done.  The problem is dh isn't home helping bc he has to work.  The problem is...........

You can't fix what is broken until you identify the problem that you want to focus on fixing.  It is really that simple.  If she WANTS to fix things, she needs to identify what.  If dd's sport is staying, then she has to determine how to fix the other issues within those parameters.  Just doing the same ol' same ol' is just going to continue to leave her feeling like she currently does.  I don't believe she thinks that is OK.

[Ting Tang]

I'm still so busy today.  But the husband is home due to a rainout, and things are just so much better.  Amazing, isn't it?  lol

I will come back to this.  I do not feel judged at all.  I reached out, and I appreciate feedback from people who have homeschooling experience!  

[Lecka]

I’m glad things are going better today!

Edited October 13, 2023 by Lecka

[Not_a_Number]

Glad you're feeling better. Good luck sorting stuff out! 

[Not_a_Number]

One last thought: do you have a therapist (or another trusted advisor) you could talk this stuff out with? It feels like you could use some feedback from someone who'd see the whole picture. This isn't sounding like a purely homeschooling problem to me. It's sounding like you feel stuck and powerless, and the way out of that state is usually personal growth. We start being able to change our circumstances when we start feeling that we CAN. 

[freesia]

1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said:

One last thought: do you have a therapist (or another trusted advisor) you could talk this stuff out with? It feels like you could use some feedback from someone who'd see the whole picture. This isn't sounding like a purely homeschooling problem to me. It's sounding like you feel stuck and powerless, and the way out of that state is usually personal growth. We start being able to change our circumstances when we start feeling that we CAN. 

That’s an excellent idea. OP, I really benefited from seeing a therapist to sort out some family things. I’d originally gone bc of a crisis—but kept going bc having an outsider help me process and evaluate decisions was so helpful. 

[Dianthus]

I need to re listen. I remember these are good.

https://iew.com/shop/products/teaching-boys-other-children-who-would-rather-make-forts-all-day-audio-download

https://iew.com/help-support/podcast/episode-148-joys-boys

[JazzyMom]

I don‘t disagree with anything that has been said, but every family is different.  Our family was very busy with sports, and we enjoyed it, but I did have to find a routine that worked for us.  I also have 8 children, so dealt with pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, etc. for many years.  My husband travels frequently for work and is unavailable to help, and we have no help from family.  When it came to homeschooling my older kids, I could never handle a high volume of work, but I could be consistent with a little.

For the elementary school years, we used a workbook curriculum for math, handwriting, language arts (grammar and spelling).  My kids knew that every day, they were expected to complete one lesson in each book.  Then, sometime during the day, I would call them to me one by one to correct their work and explain anything they didn’t understand.  This all took me under 2 hours.  

Sometimes my kids got their work done before I even got up in the morning.  One week, I had to go out of town and my 9 yo did all her work for the week without me.  My point is, they knew what was expected, and it wasn’t much, so they got it done.  With the rest of their time, they would play, go outside, draw, legos, read, work on little craft projects, etc.  

We did not do any Latin, science projects, etc.  We listened to audiobooks during quiet playtime or in the car. We listened to Story of the World on CD, and they did the coloring pages (not the map work or activities).  Sometimes during the summer or over Christmas break we would do art projects or other fun things. There were seasons when we did a circle time with memory work, etc., but that wasn’t consistent.

It was all very simple, but doable for us over a number of very busy, sometimes difficult years.

When the kids were in 7th grade they started taking science, writing, etc. at a drop off co-op, where I paid for classes and didn’t have to volunteer.  They were each well-prepared and did very well.  In high school, I looked for activities, camps, etc. that supported their interests.  I didn’t try to do it all.

I have older kids who have high SAT scores, gold medals on the National Latin Exam (one got a perfect score), A’s in DE courses (including calculus), etc. One of them wrote a book for fun (unpublished).  My 19 yo is in college on a full ride and is a biochemistry major (straight A’s except for one A-).  My 16 yo won a national architecture competition this summer and spent the last few days at a conference in Portland that was part of his prize.  He always surprises me with interesting things, like learning to draw art on shoes.  These are things they were interested in - nothing I did.  I was just a facilitator.

We have tweaked some things for the younger ones, but my point is that you have to find what works for you.  I was never going to be that mom doing in depth history and science projects, intensive conceptual math programs, etc.  I admire moms who do those things.  I am just not capable of it.  But I could lay a really strong foundation from which my kids could do their own thing.  I enjoy the busy sports lifestyle and would not have been happy staying home a lot.  If I had Grandma next door, I might let my kid get his school done and go hang out a bit…

Edited October 15, 2023 by JazzyMom

[Mimi50]

On 10/12/2023 at 10:25 AM, Ting Tang said:

I definitely agree we/(myself) are at fault. I think our family dynamic of living nextdoor to my in-laws affects things---things I could never have foreseen ten years ago.  My two sister-in-laws on that side are public school teachers, and believe me, they (and my husband) feel it is very important for the kids to be around other kids.  So much centered around a school that allows for ease of making those friendships, such as being on a team or in the band, so sometimes it is appealing.  I get that doesn't happen for everyone.  I also victimize myself by reading comments online how homeschooled kids are abused, isolated, socially-backwards.  I know that isn't true, but I feel a need to cover my bases.  I am sometimes told about more things my kids could do or receiving suggestions, and it would be nearly impossible.  We've been having more heart-to-heart talks after Monday this week.  Everyone loves the flexibility of homeschooling, except when it comes to doing school at more flexible times that are not traditional school hours---so we have to make choices.  I think I have been extra stressed because every appointment requires travel, and today, I couldn't even get the orthodontist to do his next appointment at a decent hour.  They have few afterschool hours, which I cannot get, and we have to go every two weeks---things like that just don't help.  I am totally whining, and you all have been wonderful.  I have to get back to school.  🙂

First you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. No I didn’t homeschool my son. He is all grown up. Now and has our beautiful 2 year old granddaughter. What I can relate to is trying to juggle lots of stuff at A time. My husband was diagnosed last December with dementia. I have some mental health issues and can’t drive right now.. So I think that you and your husband. Along with your kids need family meeting. Go over what you want to accomplish with your homeschool. Any chores you want them to do. My husband was in the Navy. So we called family meetings whenever we had issues we needed to address. This continued until our son Joshua left home. It keeps lines of communication open.

[Mimi50]

On 10/12/2023 at 6:12 PM, Not_a_Number said:

Goodness, @Ting Tang. I'm sorry you're being put on the defensive because you prioritize the kids' social lives.

For what it's worth, we're a very academic family, and we spend TONS of time outside the house socializing with other kids, because that's what makes my kids happy and allows them to have warm, consistent friendships. I only have 2 kids. They start climbing up the walls and their relationship suffers if they only interact with each other. Different families are different. 

It sounds you're having a tough time balancing everything. That's OK. You're not doing it wrong. It's YOUR family and you need to do what's right for THEM. 

I must admit there is a lot of very harsh judgement. When it comes to outside activities. My son Joshua did few outside activities. He is my only child and went to public school. Just because I chose to do that doesn’t mean everyone. Should sign their kids up for soccer. That worked for my family. It might not work for yours. You also shouldn’t judge someone else. Who has kids in outside activities if it works for their family. 

[Mimi50]

On 10/13/2023 at 3:14 PM, Lecka said:

I’m glad things are going better today!

Me too.