Is it rude to bring my own lunch to my mom’s when I visit?

[Indigo Blue]

8 minutes ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

Under the circumstances you describe, it doesn’t sound rude. It sounds like she wanted what you had this time (evidenced by her picking at it—rude on her part), therefore decided you were rude this time for not bringing any for her. 

So true! When I took hot oatmeal in my thermos, she totally did not care. She asked what’s in there? When I said oatmeal she didn’t say another word. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

There is absolutely no way that I am going to prepare celiac friendly meals for everyone at a meal that I am not hosting but where I can’t trust the host to keep me safe. When people invite me to parties or dinner  , unless it is someone that I really trust with safe (for me) food prep, I just tell them that I will bring my own food.  And I do - for me. (An actual potluck would be different because I would just bring a tasty dish for all that I could eat. But I would serve myself first even if clueless people think that I am rude to avoid cross contamination). 
 

I recently had someone ask me to choose a safe restaurant for a dinner. I did. Then they tried to change it to another unsafe place because “they have gluten free food available”). One safe side dish doesn’t make a place safe. I felt awkward saying that I would not attend unless we went to my choice but I did. (If they hadn’t asked me to choose a safe place first then it would have been different. And I chose a well known mid range restaurant that has good variety so I wasn’t choosing something weird or unsavory.). 
 

If I haven’t been specifically invited to a meal, though, I would time my visit to not include food. I know that family visits can be a lot more informal but some understand food issues better than others. 
 

 

[Janeway]

I think it was rude. My sister used to visit us and walk in with her kids having Happy Meals and such which would lead to tears from my children and the smell of their fast food in the house. 

Next time, call ahead and offer to bring her food and let her know you are bringing yourself some. If she says no thanks, then you are in the clear. Otherwise, bring her food too. I think it is quite rude to bring something to someone else's house with not enough to go around.

[Indigo Blue]

28 minutes ago, Janeway said:

I think it was rude. My sister used to visit us and walk in with her kids having Happy Meals and such which would lead to tears from my children and the smell of their fast food in the house. 

Next time, call ahead and offer to bring her food and let her know you are bringing yourself some. If she says no thanks, then you are in the clear. Otherwise, bring her food too. I think it is quite rude to bring something to someone else's house with not enough to go around.

Rude or not….. I feel awkward about it, but I’m not changing anything, except to try to eat before or after. 

Coordinating what to bring and when to bring food for two is something you do in a healthy relationship. Our relationship just doesn’t work like that, at least not on my end. 
 

This isn’t something I would do in other situations, though. 
 

 

[Indigo Blue]

4 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I think it was rude. My sister used to visit us and walk in with her kids having Happy Meals and such which would lead to tears from my children and the smell of their fast food in the house. 

I couldn’t walk in with food like that for my kids and visit a house full of other children. I’d bring them some, if the parents didn’t mind. 

[shawthorne44]

I mentioned the label of Schrodinger's Douchebag to DH while DD was around.   He thought it was brilliant.   It brought up an interesting family discussion.  DD said that in one of her co-op classes one of the girls said to another girl,. "Your hair is ugly."  Then when confronted about it she'd said, "I was just joking."   An interesting part of this is that DD hasn't been in a co-op class for three years, and this stuck with her.   We discussed what to do when in a similar situation where someone claimed something nasty that they said was a joke.   We all liked DH's idea of "No, you weren't."   Maybe when she's older she can also point out that they were being a Schrodinger's Douchebag.   But DD is probably the only kid in the area that knows about Schrodinger's cat.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you are not going because you were invited to a meal then it isn’t wrong to make your own eating arrangements. Especially since it’s (supposed to be) a close family member where you aren’t standing on ceremony. (As I pointed out earlier in the thread I often take my own food even when invited to a meal but I explain the medical reasons why and no one has been offended. ). Otherwise, technically, it’s bad manners to time a visit to when someone might feel obligated to feed you. But rules are (normally) so much more relaxed with family. 
 

People can get bent out of shape for so many reasons though. As long as you are not purposefully being rude then I vote that you just let them sulk. 

[KungFuPanda]

On 8/27/2022 at 11:24 AM, Jean in Newcastle said:

There is absolutely no way that I am going to prepare celiac friendly meals for everyone at a meal that I am not hosting but where I can’t trust the host to keep me safe. When people invite me to parties or dinner  , unless it is someone that I really trust with safe (for me) food prep, I just tell them that I will bring my own food.  And I do - for me. (An actual potluck would be different because I would just bring a tasty dish for all that I could eat. But I would serve myself first even if clueless people think that I am rude to avoid cross contamination). 
 

I recently had someone ask me to choose a safe restaurant for a dinner. I did. Then they tried to change it to another unsafe place because “they have gluten free food available”). One safe side dish doesn’t make a place safe. I felt awkward saying that I would not attend unless we went to my choice but I did. (If they hadn’t asked me to choose a safe place first then it would have been different. And I chose a well known mid range restaurant that has good variety so I wasn’t choosing something weird or unsavory.). 
 

If I haven’t been specifically invited to a meal, though, I would time my visit to not include food. I know that family visits can be a lot more informal but some understand food issues better than others. 
 

 

Was the restaurant you suggested a chain? I’m always looking for GF places to eat with a friend. I can eat everywhere so I don’t mind not choosing. In college my Dd worked for a GF Korean restaurant, but they only had a few stores so I’m guessing they’re not known outside of the D.C. beltway vicinity. Still, it’s nice to have an option of an entire GF restaurant where none of the food even needs to be gf and they’re not getting creative with alternatives. 

[gardenmom5]

 

you might be better off arranging to not be there at mealtime.  Even if that means cutting your visit short.  Your comfort doesn't seem to concern her.

 

My grandmother was from the midwest, and it was drilled into her to offer food to guests.   - only, she'd gripe behind our back about how we ate her food.   - I then refused every offer of food from her, which made her gripe about what an ungrateful guest I was . .  . 

some people - you just can't win.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

Was the restaurant you suggested a chain? I’m always looking for GF places to eat with a friend. I can eat everywhere so I don’t mind not choosing. In college my Dd worked for a GF Korean restaurant, but they only had a few stores so I’m guessing they’re not known outside of the D.C. beltway vicinity. Still, it’s nice to have an option of an entire GF restaurant where none of the food even needs to be gf and they’re not getting creative with alternatives. 

I think that I gave an incorrect impression. The restaurant I chose is not entirely gluten free. They just have some entire entrees that are gluten free (the other person’s suggestion would have required cobbling together some side dishes that wouldn’t have provided what most of us would call a balanced meal). I know from experience that this restaurant has good practices when preparing food for someone who is gf. (I get reviews of local places on an app called “find me gluten free”. I have never gotten sick there and neither have other locals with celiac. For chain restaurants this might depend on the manager. ). 

[KungFuPanda]

32 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I think that I gave an incorrect impression. The restaurant I chose is not entirely gluten free. They just have some entire entrees that are gluten free (the other person’s suggestion would have required cobbling together some side dishes that wouldn’t have provided what most of us would call a balanced meal). I know from experience that this restaurant has good practices when preparing food for someone who is gf. (I get reviews of local places on an app called “find me gluten free”. I have never gotten sick there and neither have other locals with celiac. For chain restaurants this might depend on the manager. ). 

Oh wow. I thought your friend was switching from a GF restaurant to one with a GF menu. Cobbling together sides definitely sounds unsafe. I would never suggest a GF friend just wing it, much less a full out celiac situation. That’s crazy.