Gift for sister who has signed with an adoption agency

[WoolC]

My sister and BIL have just signed on with an adoption agency after struggling for years with infertility.  I understand that placement can take several years, but I’d like to put together a little gift basket with good books/resources as they start the process.  Any ideas of what would be appreciated?  I’ve already given them a copy of The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.

Thanks!

[Drama Llama]

I don't think that kid specific gifts are appropriate at this point.  A gift that brings warmth and comfort while they wait might be lovely, like a cozy blanket or something for a family like a serving bowl for soup, but that's where I'd draw the line.  

We have cousins who are also waiting for adoption, and I am so eager to see them with a child.  They will make phenomenal parents. I am so glad they are stepping up in this way, and that when there's a need they'll be the ones to answer it because I know they will do an amazing job.  But I am also aware that they're waiting in the wings to step in when a child needs them, and I can't hope for a child to be in need like that.  Adoption is an imperfect solution to a problem.  I think of it like the celebration at the end of chemo.  A wonderful thing.  A powerful reason to be joyful, but not something you'd wish someone gets, unless they're already sick.  Because it's something that comes after terror and heartache and pain.   And adoption comes after tragedy.  Separating a mother from her child, even if it's the best of available options, even if the mother herself chooses it freely as best for her child, is tragic.  It doesn't happen unless something goes really wrong.  

So, I'm very hesitant to take actions that reinforce the idea that I'm waiting for something exciting.  Or hoping for a baby to be in need.  Or eager for a mother to lose her child.  And to me, a child specific gift would feel that way.  

[PeterPan]

I guess you know them, but I have 9 ½ years between my kids and during that time didn't want to hear ANYTHING about babies. I had had my hopes dashed too much. The how tos are solvable problems they can deal with when they actually have the problem. They might not want their hopes dashed again. Maybe just give them a gift card to go out for dinner? Something that celebrates them as a couple and lets them know they're thought of...

Edited December 26, 2020 by PeterPan

[Anne]

From knowing several people who have gone through the adoption process, I agree with the recommendations above for something like a restaurant gift card.  My other recommendation is cash - the adoptions I am familiar with were FAR more expensive than originally anticipated, so cash was greatly appreciated.

 

Anne

[Drama Llama]

53 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

I guess you know them, but I have 9 ½ years between my kids and during that time didn't want to hear ANYTHING about babies. I had had my hopes dashed too much. The how tos are solvable problems they can deal with when they actually have the problem. They might not want their hopes dashed again. Maybe just give them a gift card to go out for dinner? Something that celebrates them as a couple and lets them know they're thought of...

A gift card for dinner is a better idea than my fuzzy blanket and soup bowls.  

It probably will surprise no one that I think they should order their dinner in during the pandemic. 

[Spryte]

Yes, gift cards for dinners, maybe cash gifts because there will be expenses they didn’t see coming. One thing I’d have liked is a cleaning service to come in and take that off my plate before the home study.  Depending on your state, they will probably be doing that fairly soon.

This is tricky, like Baseball said, because adoption always begins with grief.  

OP, you said books and resources for the waiting period/process?  I think those depend on the type of adoption.  Waiting on our open, domestic adoption, I found the book The Open Adoption helpful and comforting.  That book is probably dated now though!  Waiting on our foster-adopt  placement (which became open adoption within 30 days), I used a lot of the resources from our foster care classes, that were specific to our situation.  I don’t recall titles though.  The agency probably has suggestions tailored to waiting families.

A heads up: while our friends who adopted internationally had a pretty clear timeline, we did not.  We knew it could take years.  What we didn’t expect was being matched within 6 weeks!  Our foster-adopt was similarly fast, and happened at lightspeed.  So be mentally prepared for anything to happen, you just never know.
 

 

[BakersDozen]

Maybe OP's family is different but I hated receiving books for infertility, pregnancy loss, adoption journey, etc. If I need a book, I'll buy it. What one person appreciated in a book made me roll my eyes and throw the book away. So I'd stick with a nice card with a nice note in it and a gift card or something.

[WoolC]

40 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Yes, gift cards for dinners, maybe cash gifts because there will be expenses they didn’t see coming. One thing I’d have liked is a cleaning service to come in and take that off my plate before the home study.  Depending on your state, they will probably be doing that fairly soon.

 

 

 

A gift card for a cleaning service will be perfect!  Thanks so much for a great idea!

[WoolC]

13 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

Maybe OP's family is different but I hated receiving books for infertility, pregnancy loss, adoption journey, etc. If I need a book, I'll buy it. What one person appreciated in a book made me roll my eyes and throw the book away. So I'd stick with a nice card with a nice note in it and a gift card or something.

I definitely get what you’re saying.  I’m the same way with books, if I want one I buy it and I generally don’t like others’ book choices for me.  She is more the type to ask me what to read and rarely picks for herself.  Just different personality types around reading I guess.  She has asked me for book recs in the past on pregnancy loss and infertility and asked for my copy of The Connected Child after I gave her a brief description, so I think I’m safe on that front.  I’ll continue to share the resources I’m familiar with as she asks and stick with the cleaning service gift card for a gift.  Just didn’t know if there is a gold standard adoption process book, and I figured the Hive would know if there is.  

[HS Mom in NC]

5 hours ago, WoolC said:

My sister and BIL have just signed on with an adoption agency after struggling for years with infertility.  I understand that placement can take several years, but I’d like to put together a little gift basket with good books/resources as they start the process.  Any ideas of what would be appreciated?  I’ve already given them a copy of The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.

Thanks!

International (South Korea) adoptive parent and certified foster parent (in AZ) here.

Each adoption category is so different from the others that your question, so generally stated, is unanswerable. The better resources (and Purvis' book is one of the better ones) tend to be more geared to each category to specifically address common issues found within. 

It's like homeschooling. If someone said, "My sister and her husband have decided they'll homeschool their future children, what books about homeschooling should I buy them?" You just shouldn't, for many reasons.

You can ask yourself in what ways your sister copes with stress and gift her things that align with that.  I'd rather chew off my pinky than have someone give me a massage, but some people find it incredibly relaxing.  My son-in-law doesn't like chocolate, but I love it and have some now and then as part of stress relief.  My oldest and her husband go out into nature almost weekly for a picnic to restore her mental well being, so the waterproof picnic blanket, insulated backpack cooler, and couple's hammock with mosquito netting is her all time favorite Christmas gift, but my youngest wouldn't ever use them. 

[plansrme]

This is really super out-there (although I love the cleaning service before the home study), but how about semi-professional pictures of them for their introductory package? I don't mean a photo shoot with a professional, necessarily, but perhaps with someone who will take pics with something that reproduces better than an iphone on a selfie stick.

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, WoolC said:

She is more the type to ask me what to read and rarely picks for herself.  Just different personality types around reading I guess.  She has asked me for book recs in the past on pregnancy loss and infertility and asked for my copy of The Connected Child after I gave her a brief description, so I think I’m safe on that front.  I’ll continue to share the resources I’m familiar with as she asks and stick with the cleaning service gift card for a gift.  Just didn’t know if there is a gold standard adoption process book, and I figured the Hive would know if there is.  

Is she not pursuing this herself? I get asking for recommendations in general from BTDT pregnancy struggles/adoptive parents, but is she asking a variety of adoptive parents and seeking out various adoptive parent resources? Did she when she had fertility issues?  Is she doing some googling herself? If so, then it's no problem at all, but if not, it's time to have a talk with her.  Adoptive parents often have to seek out highly specialized therapists, support groups, and other resources specific to their child's adoption situation.  Now is the perfect time for her to dive right in on her own. Learning it in the midst of adoption challenges isn't practical.

[WoolC]

38 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Is she not pursuing this herself? I get asking for recommendations in general from BTDT pregnancy struggles/adoptive parents, but is she asking a variety of adoptive parents and seeking out various adoptive parent resources? Did she when she had fertility issues?  Is she doing some googling herself? If so, then it's no problem at all, but if not, it's time to have a talk with her.  Adoptive parents often have to seek out highly specialized therapists, support groups, and other resources specific to their child's adoption situation.  Now is the perfect time for her to dive right in on her own. Learning it in the midst of adoption challenges isn't practical.

She is talking with friends who have adopted and doing her own research as well.  I’m just the resident family reader, so she does ask for book recommendations on a regular basis on many different topics.  Without sharing our entire life story, she does value my opinion in regards to the decision to adopt.  While I don’t have personal experience with adoption, I’m in the midst of raising two boys with significant physical and mental challenges, so I have done lots of reading, specialists, therapies etc that very well may come into play in an adoption situation.  She has had an up close view of very difficult parenting with my kids and I have spoken frankly with her and BIL about the possible challenges ahead.  Because of the support groups and such I’ve found myself in, I’ve heard from many adoptive parents about challenges they face, thus trying to help her prep before hand with some good books and such.  Anyway, I see why some view book purchases as overstepping, so I’ll just continue to follow her lead on that front and support her however I can.

[PeterPan]

4 minutes ago, WoolC said:

I’ll just continue to follow her lead on that front and support her however I can.

It's an art to support without doing it for them. She definitely needs to learn to fish for herself. There's a *confidence* that comes with learning to do it for herself and figuring out how she solves problems.

[Drama Llama]

21 minutes ago, WoolC said:

She is talking with friends who have adopted and doing her own research as well.  I’m just the resident family reader, so she does ask for book recommendations on a regular basis on many different topics.  Without sharing our entire life story, she does value my opinion in regards to the decision to adopt.  While I don’t have personal experience with adoption, I’m in the midst of raising two boys with significant physical and mental challenges, so I have done lots of reading, specialists, therapies etc that very well may come into play in an adoption situation.  She has had an up close view of very difficult parenting with my kids and I have spoken frankly with her and BIL about the possible challenges ahead.  Because of the support groups and such I’ve found myself in, I’ve heard from many adoptive parents about challenges they face, thus trying to help her prep before hand with some good books and such.  Anyway, I see why some view book purchases as overstepping, so I’ll just continue to follow her lead on that front and support her however I can.

Is she hoping to adopt a newborn, or an older child?

[WoolC]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Is she hoping to adopt a newborn, or an older child?

A newborn.