My grandmother is dying... My Mom is a wreck. How do I help?

[JenneinCA]

My grandmother is 96 years old and lives in South Dakota. A couple days ago she got very sick and went to the hospital.  The hope was that a few days there would deal with the dehydration and urinary infection and she would go back to the place she lives.  That has not turned out to be the case.  Despite the negative COVID test, done when she was admitted,  she has all the symptoms and pneumonia and blood clots.  She had surgery late yesterday to deal with the blood clots but they had to stop because she wasn’t stable enough to continue.  She is in pain and has told her doctors ‘to let her go’.  They are repeating the COVID test.

It does not look good.  My aunt K (mom’s sister) is a nurse and has been with her and giving updates since this started.  My mom’s brother R and his wife are in South Dakota and are going to the hospital where all of this is going down.  My mom is a complete wreck.  Since she has not said anything about traveling I am thinking that she has chosen to stay in Arizona (relatively low COVID rates) instead of going to South Dakota (seriously high COVID rates) and potentially exposing herself and then my dad to COVID.  My dad has every risk factor on the list.  It would be extremely dangerous for him to get sick.

All this to say, how do I help my Mom?  I can’t be there in person.  I can’t make this not hurt.  I can’t make it better.  What can I do?

[mommyoffive]

I am so sorry.   Covid makes this time so much harder than normal.   I am sending prayers to your grandmother. 

[JenneinCA]

10 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

When my grandmother was dying, just listening was what my mom needed most.   Another thought, could your mom FaceTime grandma and at least let them see and hear each other even if grandma can’t do much interacting?   

This is a good idea.  I will suggest it.  Thank you.

[stephanier.1765]

I am so sorry! Other than seconding the FaceTime suggestion, I don't have any suggestions other than the gift of your time, ears and heart. Hugs to you, your mother and your family.💗

 

[prairiewindmomma]

ITA with the above on listening.... I would also be tempted to send flowers or a special necklace or ring....something that she will see/wear and bump into often as a reminder of your support even when you guys aren't on the phone together.  I also agree that FaceTiming (your mom/grandma) would be helpful---or even a group Zoom call.

[frogger]

I agree with the just being there and listening and the Facetime suggestion. That would be the most important. 

You might also be able to get dinner delivered to her at sometime. 

 

Often the hardest part is decision making and thinking clearly in grief. Your brain becomes a fog and yet you have to decide all this stuff. I'm not saying be overbearing but if your relationship is good perhaps keeping a list of things that need done and pros and cons of deciding things might be of assistance. I know someone who has taken over for friends calling all the doctors and negotiating bills (might be just navigating depending on your situation). So there are things that can be assistance while farther away. 

It really depends on what she wants though and you know her best.

 

I'm sorry Jenne. 😥

[Melissa in Australia]

My grandmother died in July. One week before her 90 th birthday.  Just days before Melbourne went into hard lockdown. I went to my mums, told her I was going with her and that we needed to go to Melbourne and follow Nans wishes. Nan had a list of instructions that she wanted carried out as soon as she died.  Nan had told myself, my brother and my mother about these lists and shown all of us where they were hidden.
 

we did it. It wasn’t easy , we didn’t get everything right, but in the 3 days before full lockdown we got  most valuables and sentimental items on their way to people who nan wanted them to go to, we organised a very small funeral, we managed this while dealing with Nan’s abnoxious  crazy husband (why she married him in her later years is beyond our understanding).

 

[Melissa in Australia]

So sorry for the pain and grief you are going through. It is hard. Hugs

[JenneinCA]

Amazingly, there was better news today.  The doctors are going to do an angiogram and place a femoral stent tomorrow at about 10 South Dakota time.  It was a conference with five doctors, K (mom’s sister who is a nurse), S (K’s daughter also a nurse), R (mom’s brother) and another specialized care nurse.  They all decided that this had a good chance of being in grandma’s best interest.  I have to believe them.  No news on the second COVID test.  If you have positive thoughts for grandma, her doctors and all the other people who are involved tomorrow that would be appreciated.  Grandma is Betty Jean and mom is Carol.  

[Pen]

1 hour ago, JenneinCA said:

Amazingly, there was better news today.  The doctors are going to do an angiogram and place a femoral stent tomorrow at about 10 South Dakota time.  It was a conference with five doctors, K (mom’s sister who is a nurse), S (K’s daughter also a nurse), R (mom’s brother) and another specialized care nurse.  They all decided that this had a good chance of being in grandma’s best interest.  I have to believe them.  No news on the second COVID test.  If you have positive thoughts for grandma, her doctors and all the other people who are involved tomorrow that would be appreciated.  Grandma is Betty Jean and mom is Carol.  

 

Positive thought for all of you!!!