The need to temper a love of reading

[Janna]

I see the benefits of reading. I love to read. I have read to my dc since they were 2 months old. They still get read to on a regular basis. The library is our favorite place and was my youngest's (he's 6mos) first outside trip after the hospital. He is named after a character of one of my favorite books. Reading is essential to our lives.

 

However, I witnessed, as did my dc, the effects of obsessive reading last week and I am determined not to allow a love of reading get to that point.

 

My dc haven't seen their grandparents (my parents), since May. Ds was only 2 weeks old at the time. So we were very excited when they were able to come here for Thanksgiving last week. Unfortunately, my dad spent almost all of his time on the couch reading. I was offended. I know he loves to read - always has. His mother loved reading and taught him to love reading. He could have taught my brothers and me to love reading, but he was so busy...reading, that I didn't develop my love of it until I started homeschooling and my brothers to this day, still haven't. Anyway, while they were here, we went to Half Price Books when my older kids were at a musical rehearsal/prop party. That afternoon, my dad read half of one of the books he bought at the store.

 

My dd decided to make pancakes for my parents on Friday morning. I was in the shower, dh was at work, my mom was upstairs with my youngest 2 dc and my dad was...on the couch reading. Fine. Dd has made pancakes on her own countless times. Except this time she burned her hand on the pan. She called out to my dad two times. He didn't hear her. Our kitchen and family room open up to each other; she can see him from the kitchen. The third time, she yelled, "Grandpa!" He looked up, said, "oh", put his book down and casually walked over to her. She explained what happened and that she couldn't flip the pancakes, so he flipped the rest for her. My mom came down when she heard her yell and fussed over her appropriately, LOL, and all was well. But it's disturbing how involved he gets in his books!

 

I don't want to ever let my children know that reading, or books, is more important than a person. Relationships are so much more important and valuable! When my dc can see it too, having commented on it in a saddened tone after they had left for home, that Grandpa didn't spend much time with them because he was reading, I am certain that they understand the importance too.

 

I just wanted to share in case it could possibly resonate with any of you, book lovers that most of us are on this board! :D

Edited December 1, 2008 by Janna

[Frontier Mom]

Question - Would your dad have been "involved" if he wasn't reading? I ask that because my dad is much like this except now, as his eyes have been bothering him, he just zones out with the TV instead. I have come to realize it wasn't the books - it was him. My dad just doesn't tune in to the relationships going on around him at all. The books are just an expression of that fact.

 

I am not saying this is true of your dad but it definitely is of mine. It just took me a while to realize it was his choice, not the books that made him distant.

[LaxMom]

That isn't love of reading, that is engaging in an isolationist activity. The same is true for people who block out the world with their iPod or video games. They aren't connoisseurs, they're blocking out the people around them. The book/iPod/game is just their preferred tool.

[KarenNC]

That isn't love of reading, that is engaging in an isolationist activity. The same is true for people who block out the world with their iPod or video games. They aren't connoisseurs, they're blocking out the people around them. The book/iPod/game is just their preferred tool.

 

Agreed.

[OHGrandma]

That isn't love of reading, that is engaging in an isolationist activity. The same is true for people who block out the world with their iPod or video games. They aren't connoisseurs, they're blocking out the people around them. The book/iPod/game is just their preferred tool.

 

And it's also a personality type, an introvert. There's nothing 'wrong' with introverts, any more than anything 'wrong' with being an extrovert.

[LaxMom]

I am an introvert. I feel the need to remove myself from the presence of other people just to be able to clear my head and relax and recharge. I dread crowded social situations, and would totally not leave my house for weeks on end if we didn't have commitments.

 

There is a difference between not being outgoing and needing "down time" from dealing with people, or being shy, and using tools to dissociate yourself from the people around you.

[JennifersLost]

I think it may be a certain kind of "mind", too. Because I can relate to your father. I find it difficult to describe the feeling I get when I visit other people and am away from my reading routine - it's like my brain gets antsy after a certain amount of interactions with other people and reading is one of the few things that calms it down.

 

So...am I an obsessive reader because I have that kind of mind?

 

Or do I have that kind of mind because I am an obsessive reader?

 

I'm not sure. I've just always been that way. And just so you know - visiting other people is one of the hardest things for me. I love people. I love going on trips, but most times it's not accepted to sit in a corner and read for an hour or two when you visit people, so after a few days I begin to lose it!

 

From my experience, here's what helps:

 

1. Knowing what to expect ahead of time. If I know that for four hours we'll be doing an activity or hosting guests, etc, I know I have to be "on" and ready to interact with people. Since I know when it will happen and how long it will go on, I can handle it.

 

2. Knowing that there will be time to read. It sounds bizarre, but reading is my cup of coffee, my soak in the tub, my drink of wine - it's the way I calm my brain. If I know that I can slip off in the late afternoon for an hour, or have time before bed to read, I'm just fine. If I don't, I start really "hurting" after a day or two. It's a physical feeling, like withdrawing from caffeine. It hurts in my brain and I have trouble dealing with other people. I begin to get short with them, etc. I have never thought of this before, but I'm realizing right now that a half-hour of reading doesn't cut it; throughout the course of the day, I probably need 2 - 3 hours of reading to feel comfortable.

 

 

As far as your dad goes - it could be worse. He could be drinking by five o'clock. Instead he's relaxing by reading. Maybe you could use the above information to plan visits that are better for both of you. Maybe you can find out more about your dad. What's going on in his brain? Does he feel comfortable sharing that with you? I think I find reading calming because it's so orderly. My brain isn't orderly - it's hugely busy and all over the place. That's what makes me a very creative person (to toot my own horn, LOL). It's also what makes a lot of interactions and daily activities hard for me. Maybe your dad is like that, too?

[Ellie]

That isn't a love of reading. That's bad manners, at the least, and possibly all sorts of personality disorders at most.

 

You just teach your dc how to behave properly as host and as guest, and don't worry about the reading.

[snickelfritz]

If it wasn't reading, it would be something else.

 

I know, because I have the same tendencies.

 

As does my mom.

 

Besides my, somewhat obsessive and introverted personality, I am EXTREMELY visual and not auditory. Meaning, it takes a substantial noise or effort to pull me out of reading. When I listen to something, I have trouble following it and have to write it down.

 

So, don't blame the books. They're innocent. :D

[Janna]

Thanks for your opinions, everyone. I just want you to know I'm thinking about them.

 

He's most definitely NOT an introvert. No way, no how.

 

That's pretty much all I can say with confidence. Oh, and that it's bad manners. I agree on that 100%, LOL.

 

Everything else I'm thinking about. In my head, I'm arguing them, but my arguments aren't coming out right (even in my head :001_huh:). So I need to understand what I'm trying to say before I say it here. Make sense? :001_smile:

[dirty ethel rackham]

Agreed. I loved reading in jr. high, but, for me, it was escapism. I needed to escape some heavy stuff going on around me and books were my ticket out of the stress of my home.

 

While I love being able to get totally lost in a book, there is a time and a place for it. The effect of reading in our household is called "book coma." One must either refrain from "bc" inducing activities when it is not appropriate to do so and/or create outside limits so that "bc" does not become a chronic condition.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Honestly, I don't believe that your father's behavior has ANYTHING to do with a love of reading. Your father uses reading as an escape the same way others use working, alcohol, and the like as an escape. A love of reading is healthy. Using it instead of interacting is simply unhealthy and shows weakness of dealing with life.

 

I don't think you need to temper the love of reading with your children (or self). Instead, I think you simply need to teach appropriate thinking and social skills. You need to teach them to recognize unhealthy behaviors or propensities in themselves. You need to teach them appropriate coping skills, balance, etc. And then they hopefully will choose healthy relationships and ways of dealing with things.

[fivetails]

Agreed. I loved reading in jr. high, but, for me, it was escapism. I needed to escape some heavy stuff going on around me and books were my ticket out of the stress of my home.

 

 

Same. I always had my nose buried in a book as a kid - life wasn't great and my books were somewhere that I could go when I needed to...be somebody else for a while. As weird as that sounds. ;)

[SFP]

I don't get it.

 

Why did you take your dad to a bookstore if you didn't want him to read?

[JennifersLost]

Whoops!

 

I think you didn't want "explanations" - you wanted sympathy, LOL.

 

So, here's hoping that your Dad snaps out of it and becomes the more present and aware being you want him to be around you, and here's hoping that your kids never read when they should be talking!

[Nicole M]

I think we're all so wrapped up in Dad we're missing your point, which I think is a good one. Isn't becoming absorbed in another world the whole point of reading? Obviously, that's a double edged sword. I missed out on plenty of stuff because I was reading, stuff I wish I had not missed. I think it's easy to think, Oh! My child is reading 12 hours a day, wonderful! But the fact is, there is a lot out there in this beautiful world, our families included, that deserve attention and can give us great gifts that books, as wonderful as they are, cannot.

 

Some folks never get the wake up call that you did. I'm sorry your daughter burned her hand and had to holler for attention. That stinks. But your dad did get up, and did flip pancakes. (Could his hearing be going, btw?)

[Janna]

I don't get it.

 

Why did you take your dad to a bookstore if you didn't want him to read?

 

He brought his own stack of books, so regardless of whether or not I took him, he'd be reading. In fact, he was because dd burned her hand on Friday am and we went to the store on Sat.

 

I took both of my parents because they asked if we could all go (they know I like to read also) because they don't have one where they live. They went in one on their way out of town when they were here in May and fell in love. I understood - who doesn't love Half Price Books? They were my guests (even though they are family) and I felt that because they came all the way to see us, the least I could do was drive them where they wanted to go. That just happened to be it.

[Nicole M]

Honestly, I don't believe that your father's behavior has ANYTHING to do with a love of reading. Your father uses reading as an escape the same way others use working, alcohol, and the like as an escape. A love of reading is healthy. Using it instead of interacting is simply unhealthy and shows weakness of dealing with life.

 

I don't think you need to temper the love of reading with your children (or self). Instead, I think you simply need to teach appropriate thinking and social skills. You need to teach them to recognize unhealthy behaviors or propensities in themselves. You need to teach them appropriate coping skills, balance, etc. And then they hopefully will choose healthy relationships and ways of dealing with things.

 

Goodness. I don't think we have enough information to make that judgment about dad. I can think of many situations that would have given rise to habitual reading that might have nothing to do with escapism or weakness. Perhaps the man simply feels "at home" in his daughter's home and is behaving as he always does. Perhaps no one has ever asked him to disengage from a book and look around. Perhaps his wife would rather that he was engaged in a book, and hence, he habitually checks out. (Not saying this is the case.) How are we to know?

[Janna]

No, explanations are fine. I know better than to post something and think that I will get the response I think that I will. It almost always takes a different turn than what you think it will. ;)

 

I really just wanted to point out, since this is an education board where the majority here love to read, that it is possible to overdo it and possibly be offensive because of it.

 

If the explanations are legit, if I can think about them and see that one or more rings truth to it, then I would only be a fool to ignore it. If it enables me to understand my Dad a little more without being judgemental (as ashamed as I am to admit that), then please, bring on the explanations.

 

Sympathy is OK too, but not what I was looking for. ;)

[Janna]

I think we're all so wrapped up in Dad we're missing your point, which I think is a good one. Isn't becoming absorbed in another world the whole point of reading? Obviously, that's a double edged sword. I missed out on plenty of stuff because I was reading, stuff I wish I had not missed. I think it's easy to think, Oh! My child is reading 12 hours a day, wonderful! But the fact is, there is a lot out there in this beautiful world, our families included, that deserve attention and can give us great gifts that books, as wonderful as they are, cannot.

 

Some folks never get the wake up call that you did. I'm sorry your daughter burned her hand and had to holler for attention. That stinks. But your dad did get up, and did flip pancakes. (Could his hearing be going, btw?)

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

You're a gem, Nicole. Thank you.

 

(Oh, and no, is hearing is just fine.)

[Nicole M]

No, explanations are fine. I know better than to post something and think that I will get the response I think that I will. It almost always takes a different turn than what you think it will. ;)

 

I really just wanted to point out, since this is an education board where the majority here love to read, that it is possible to overdo it and possibly be offensive because of it.

 

If the explanations are legit, if I can think about them and see that one or more rings truth to it, then I would only be a fool to ignore it. If it enables me to understand my Dad a little more without being judgemental (as ashamed as I am to admit that), then please, bring on the explanations.

 

Sympathy is OK too, but not what I was looking for. ;)

 

Here's what I wonder, based on my own interactions with my dad. He does annoying things, has done for years. And for years I said nothing. No one in the family would say anything, and we were all secretly invested in being judgmental and resentful. After I turned 40, it dawned on me that, hey, no one has ever called him on this crap. So one day I said, Papa, do you have any idea how annoying that is? He was utterly flummoxed. And he was hurt, too, that no one had ever said anything. So. I wonder if anyone has ever said to your dad, "Hey, can we talk until X hour, then I'll let you have your reading time?" Or, "I could use some help here, mister, could you put that d@mn book down?" KWIM?

[RoughCollie]

I don't think reading has anything to do with it. Some people don't enjoy interacting with kids, or maybe they don't know how, and they find something else to do. My mom and DH read, my dad used to work at the computer, DH and my dad are workaholics, and my friend's DH plays golf during nearly every bit of his free time.

 

DH sits on the couch and reads when he is home. Family life swirls around him. The other day he told me that the kids barely notice that he is there, now that he is home a little bit more. He gets more attention from the dog. I said that is because he feeds the dog ham the minute he walks in the door. I said it is because he does not pay attention to the kids, and that if he wants them to notice him, he may want to try doing something with them. So he played Monopoly with them. (This is a man who can go out of town for a solid week and the kids don't notice because he is always at work anyway.)

 

He has started waiting for two of the kids during their karate classes. I asked him to put his book down and stand at the window and watch the kids for awhile each time, because kids like for their parents to watch them do things. The kids were thrilled when he did that.

 

I don't think DH or my parents are all that interested in interacting with any children, but at least DH is trying.

 

I also think these folks are selfish. I do plenty of stuff with my kids that I would not do if I did not have them. I think the payoffs of the kids' enjoyment and of having a close personal relationship with them just does not resonate with people like that. I spelled it out, chapter and verse, for my DH a couple of weeks ago. This was one time of many, and he is starting to listen only because I was taking no prisoners.

 

If my father were still alive, I'd have a talk with him about the importance of his relationship to the kids and give him suggestions of what to do. He was a very kind man, and I'm sure if he knew the score, he would have interacted with the kids more. The kids only met him twice, so that didn't happen while he was alive. My mother is a different story -- she would not change no matter I said because she is always right about everything, and I'm pretty sure she sees kids as pawns, not people.

 

RC

Edited December 2, 2008 by RoughCollie