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Just feeling sad and conflicted Vent


hjffkj
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About 4 years ago, I ended a friendship with one of my best friends.  We were both suffering from mental health issues and unintentionally hurting each other in different ways.  I decided to end the friendship for my own mental health and while it hurt her deeply she understood.  We have not spoken or seen each other since then.  Every now and then I'll see posts on facebook post from her because we have one mutual friend.   Well last night I saw a post that she was out with our mutual friend and another woman.  This other woman is the most toxic person I've ever met.  She is the perfect definition of a narcissist and once you no longer cater to her will she will turn against you.  I've watched this woman try to break up 2 marriages with affair rumors simply because she didn't like one of the people in the marriage.  I've heard her change my own words and twist them from a neutral statement to a nasty one. Everyone who calls her out on her bs is immediately turned into enemy number 1 and she will start dragging your name through the mud.  I don't know if she's done this to me because I will not talk about her with anyone anymore, but I know she did it to my dh because she made a public rant about it on facebook before.  

Anyways,  it breaks my heart to see an old friend who I really care about and miss dearly buddy up with this woman.  Because I know eventually my old friend will see this woman for who she is and the woman will start making life hell for my old friend.  So much of me wants to reach out to my old friend and just warn her but ultimately I ended the friendship and for all I know my name has already been drag through the mud by this other woman.  So, it will likely just look like me being catty. I'm so sad right now. That is all.

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1 hour ago, NorthwestMom said:

Hugs to you. That is hard , but as you already know, there's really nothing you can do. Try to distract yourself with positive things in your life right now. 

 

 

 

Thank you. I actually wrote out a note to my old friend, not about the other woman, but about regrets I have and apologizing.  Then I cried a bunch and deleted the note.  I knew I wouldn't actually send it, there is no reason to open that door back up.  But it was helpful to put into words how I felt and just let those emotions out.  Now I'm mostly good again.  Still hope she runs away from that friendship fast.

 

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Im so sorry. I have been in this situation, except I wasn’t specifically ex-friends with the one; we had just gone in different directions and were no longer close. It would stab me in the heart to see FB photos of her with The Snake. It made me want to call her up and tell her every hurtful, mean and terrible thing The Snake had previously said about the friend, just so I could warn her away from being friends with that awful woman. I had to unfollow a couple people because seeing ex-friend with The Snake was practically unbearable. 

With all that said, though, I wonder if you could not take some small steps towards a repaired friendship with your ex-friend. Could you not get together and share a cup of coffee or something? Talk about whatever it used to be that you liked mutually? Keep it pretty short, like an hour, in a neutral location? 

I’ve been mulling over some thoughts about how “we” (society) seem to have become too willing to throw people away. I have been thinking about posting something about those thoughts, but this post of yours also dovetails with what I have been mulling over. 

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27 minutes ago, Quill said:

Im so sorry. I have been in this situation, except I wasn’t specifically ex-friends with the one; we had just gone in different directions and were no longer close. It would stab me in the heart to see FB photos of her with The Snake. It made me want to call her up and tell her every hurtful, mean and terrible thing The Snake had previously said about the friend, just so I could warn her away from being friends with that awful woman. I had to unfollow a couple people because seeing ex-friend with The Snake was practically unbearable. 

With all that said, though, I wonder if you could not take some small steps towards a repaired friendship with your ex-friend. Could you not get together and share a cup of coffee or something? Talk about whatever it used to be that you liked mutually? Keep it pretty short, like an hour, in a neutral location? 

I’ve been mulling over some thoughts about how “we” (society) seem to have become too willing to throw people away. I have been thinking about posting something about those thoughts, but this post of yours also dovetails with what I have been mulling over. 

 

I have thought about reaching out to her many times but I just don't know how to.  I was the one to make the call to end the friendship when it became apparent that both our issues at the time were hurting the other person. She was the one who fought to keep our friendship together at least verbally she did, through action she didn't try, but that because of the mental health issues. On her end, she was forced to continually cancel plans with me because of extreme anxiety, and that caused terrible self confidence issues in me that fed the deep depression I was in. She didn't share her struggles until I was already too hurt by her actions to have sympathy.   On my end, I was drowning in depression to the point that once she finally reached out to me about her issues I didn't care or I didn't know how to show I cared.  

While I know we both have our issues under control again, I just keep telling myself it isn't fair to risk bringing all that back into the front of her mind if repairing the friendship isn't something she wanted. 

I do know what you mean by people being too willing to throw people away. 

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1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

 

I have thought about reaching out to her many times but I just don't know how to.  I was the one to make the call to end the friendship when it became apparent that both our issues at the time were hurting the other person. She was the one who fought to keep our friendship together at least verbally she did, through action she didn't try, but that because of the mental health issues. On her end, she was forced to continually cancel plans with me because of extreme anxiety, and that caused terrible self confidence issues in me that fed the deep depression I was in. She didn't share her struggles until I was already too hurt by her actions to have sympathy.   On my end, I was drowning in depression to the point that once she finally reached out to me about her issues I didn't care or I didn't know how to show I cared.  

While I know we both have our issues under control again, I just keep telling myself it isn't fair to risk bringing all that back into the front of her mind if repairing the friendship isn't something she wanted. 

I do know what you mean by people being too willing to throw people away. 

What a sad, difficult position you were both in.

I'm having a hard time coming up with a scenario where a sincere apology would be out of place. I think if you wanted to send her an apology, I would make sure there really weren't any expectations that went along with it, either communicated or not. It sounds like there's a chance that she could receive it well, but she may also be uninterested in resuming the friendship.

Also, I understand that seeing your former friend with this other person was really the trigger for this, but if you wanted to reach out to your friend, I'd try to separate it as a totally different issue, and just not worth getting into, unless y'all really did repair the friendship.

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15 minutes ago, JIN MOUSA said:

What a sad, difficult position you were both in.

I'm having a hard time coming up with a scenario where a sincere apology would be out of place. I think if you wanted to send her an apology, I would make sure there really weren't any expectations that went along with it, either communicated or not. It sounds like there's a chance that she could receive it well, but she may also be uninterested in resuming the friendship.

Also, I understand that seeing your former friend with this other person was really the trigger for this, but if you wanted to reach out to your friend, I'd try to separate it as a totally different issue, and just not worth getting into, unless y'all really did repair the friendship.

 

I guess part of me just feels like it has been so long that if she has buried or gotten over the hurts we caused each other that me apologizing will bring old pain back.  And that doesn't seem fair to her. I guess I'll never know if I don't do it.

I wouldn't say the photo triggered me wanting to reach out, that has been on my mind for 2 years. But it certainly triggered just how much I miss her and still care about her.

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I went through a bff breakup earlier this year after 20 years of friendship.  It had gotten really toxic for me and I tried to end it nicely but it ended up being a bit more dramatic than I intended (she didn't take it well).  At any rate all year long it has weighed on me.  I didn't want to reopen the wounds or be inconsistent, since I was the one who ended the friendship. But it just all felt wrong.  I wanted us to be able to be 'neutral'- not really friends, but not enemies either.  I didn't want bitterness.  After almost a year I sent her a text touching base and apologizing for hurting her. I am not sorry for what I did or said, but I am sorry that it was so painful for her.  I really didn't want to open the door back up but it was like an oozing wound that needed to be reopened so it could heal.  Now I feel like things will be less dramatic and we will be more like acquaintances.  I am not diving back in, but not slamming the door in her face either.  Delicate balance for me to keep it contained to what I can handle yet not be cruel and dismissive.

If it is still bothering you after all this time you may need to reopen the wound in order for it to heal.  It's ok if she doesn't want to hear it. You will probably feel better if you know you made an attempt to make peace. At least I did. It sounds like the issues you both had are just big misunderstandings and that you are both in a better place now.  She might still be hurting from it as well and need some closure too.

 

Edited by CaliforniaDreamin
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Well I reached out with a short but sweet apology.  It does feel good to have finally done it.  Thank you all for listening to my vent and giving sound advice.  Now to watch a movie, fold laundry, and not obsessively wait to see if she replies. ha 

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Deleted her response for privacy reasons but my apology was received well.

Thanks for encouraging me to reach out to her.  I have no intention of talking about this other woman to her but I'm glad it and your guys finally got me to say something.

Edited by hjffkj
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2 minutes ago, KathyBC said:

Is your mutual friend close with the snake? Any chance you could give *her* a heads up and potentially save them both some angst? Although the realist in me suspects it more likely they will have to experience it themselves, unfortunately.

 

She's close enough to have been privy to the thing that caused my falling out with the snake but she likely only heard it from the snakes perspective, so I wouldn't count on her taking my word for it.  It is certainly a you have to experience it yourself thing.

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16 hours ago, cave canem said:

So inspiring!  Now I am mulling approaching a dropped old friend. 

 

It was certainly not easy to do and had we ended our friendship under different circumstances I might have never reached out.  But we really did care very much about each other and all the hurt was never deliberate on either end so I think that is why my apology was received so well.

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17 hours ago, Quill said:

@hjffkj I am so glad you risked it! I expect it will be healing for you both, regardless of what ultimately comes. 

Bravo to you. We all need more love in the world. 

 

I'm glad I risked it too.  Honestly, your initial comment on this thread is what pushed me over the edge.  Maybe it was being able to put a face to the person commenting but it made  the advice more real, does that make sense? 

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3 hours ago, hjffkj said:

 

I'm glad I risked it too.  Honestly, your initial comment on this thread is what pushed me over the edge.  Maybe it was being able to put a face to the person commenting but it made  the advice more real, does that make sense? 

Aww. I’m so touched. It is so nice that I have met some people here IRL. It does help me to feel like these are real people behind these posts. ?

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Wow, sometimes I think my life is a book of fiction. So, I reached out to said old friend and she received it well and said she needed some days to process things. That is all fine and dandy.

But then today I get a message from her dh, who informs me they are separated. he wanted to let me know because maybe it might give me some validation as to my decision to end the friendship years ago. I asked if his ex had told him that I contacted her because it seemed like way too much of a coincidence that he reached out so soon after I contacted her. According to him, she hadn't and it was a strange coincidence. He also touched a bit on how she smeared his name through the mud, which isn't a characteristics I ever witnessed from her or him for that matter. But I know divorce can do odd things to people.

I am not getting mixed up in their drama but part of me wonders if he still has her messenger password and keeps tabs on her. Or maybe one of their kids told him, but why wouldn't he say that when I asked. Either way I'm just sitting here wondering why wierd things always happen to me.

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Hmm. That is weird. It seems amazing to me that he would coincidentally contact you. It seems more like he wants to spread doubt before you talk to her. I did have a STBX husband of an old friend contact me once, ostensibly because he had some work for my DH. I had a feeling he wanted to do damage control and I recommended dh not pursue work with him. 

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17 minutes ago, Quill said:

Hmm. That is weird. It seems amazing to me that he would coincidentally contact you. It seems more like he wants to spread doubt before you talk to her. I did have a STBX husband of an old friend contact me once, ostensibly because he had some work for my DH. I had a feeling he wanted to do damage control and I recommended dh not pursue work with him. 

 

He even mentioned one of the reasons for reaching out was because he may need my pet sitting services.

Edited by hjffkj
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24 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

You can tell Stbx the same thing your friend said:  I need some time to process this. 

Let some things settle so you don't get in the middle.  

I don't believe for one minute this is coincidental. And I am the most gullible person on the planet. 

 

Yeah, me neither. I'm just going to pretend I didn't open this can of worms. 

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