gaillardia Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 (edited) Over our many years of homeschooling, about half of my kids have had friends, been accepted, ran around with other kids, went to their houses, came to ours, are still friends as adults. The other half, no. The kids are from church mostly, but they are public school kids, a few were neighborhood kids, some were friends through other means. The cousins? A few and in the same town, but since we were "churchy AND homeschoolers", the parents (my in-laws) would not even entertain the idea of our children hanging out together EVER. It is not my imagination. Even other homeschoolers were reluctant to hang with my kids. Oh, so for other homeschoolers we're too modern, and for school people we're too...what? Sometimes, like for 3 or 4 months, a kid and one of my kids would actually be friends, but then things would quiet down and ...game over. ? Lately our youngest who is nearly an adult, has been getting the same old treatment a couple of our other kids have received. (Actually, it's not lately, it's all the time, for YEARS). Being at an activity where there are only a handful of kids, we're talking less than 5 girls and 5 boys, all friends. Conversation rolls and before you know it, everyone is making plans for the weekend, we're going to your house, let's do this or that, yeah! And my youngest, as well as the next oldest (who is an adult now), are, as usual IGNORED. Completely. No invite. NOTHING. These kids have known each other since elementary school age so it's not like we're new. We are part of the core group that has been in this area the longest, yet, that doesn't seem to hold any credit. Still shunned. I get so mad sometimes, I'm friends with the parents of these kids. Doesn't mean I talk or text with them on a daily basis. Are they assuming their kids are so good? Yeah. I've offered to talk to the parents, the kids, or the church leaders about it and my kid says NO. Okay, but the way my kid is handling it...nothing. does nothing. Will not try to talk to anyone about it. Just cries. gets mad. We're good people. We don't dominate conversations or relationships. We are kind, friendly and polite. We help other people. We are a little on the quiet side unless you know us. But that's just it, nobody knows us. They make assumptions of what we are like and then what, decide we are just too weird to hang out with? We're not. We don't dress funny, my kids keep up with technology, latest decent movies, some of the music kids listen to, etc., but yet, here we are, out on our own little island. Adrift. If you can't relate, then move on. I feel so bad for this kid. The other two have learned how to deal with it and may end up living in caves surrounded by bats. I'm kidding. I always have to throw my sarcasm in there. Edited August 23, 2018 by gaillardia 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 It can be rough. I have kids who never seem to make friends. Even when they are doing what everyone else does--same church, same school, etc. I don't know any answers. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 We're in the same boat. I'm not very social so it doesn't bother me very often that I don't have friends but my some of my kids are super social and it's especially hard for them. My oldest was 16 before he finally met someone who he would consider a friend. Except the kid lives 3 states away. Oldest DS has traveled some since then and he has started making quite a few friends. Only problem is they all live in different states. He has exactly two friends (besides his brother) in our state. DS2 shares those same two friends and has one other friend. Oldest DD is super social and talks to everyone, she has no friends either. I know some is that she comes across overbearing and I've been working with her on that but still she can't find any local friends either. My younger children are actually fairing better although even for them their "closest" friend lives too far away to see more than a few times a year. It's hard, I don't know why some people are so successful finding friends and other struggle so. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted August 23, 2018 Author Share Posted August 23, 2018 They used to be good or best friends with some of these kids! I appreciate all of your comments very much. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom@shiloh Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 We've been in that situation. It's hard. I'm sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 I’m so sorry. That is just terrible. It’s probably even more painful for you than it has been for your kids, because it’s awful to see our kids get hurt and not be able to fix it for them them. ? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 I'm sorry, it's really tough watching your kids going through that. I have two kids that were/are like that. I used to feel so twisted up inside hurting for them, I didn't know what to do. Over the years, I realized that they really were part of the problem, but not in a bad way. They were just such unique personalities -- very kind, polite, friendly, but probably very mature for their ages and way more self-aware than their peers. I think there was some kind of vibe in that that other kids picked up on, and something in my kids prevented them from comfortably fitting in. They knew how to talk to people; they really did everything they could. But in the end, they are who they are. Their brains are such that they're just going to be a certain way. I think accepting that -- that that's just the way they are -- is very freeing! My dh and I just kept encouraging them in life and became their go-to buddies ourselves, and did a lot of fun things as a family. We worked hard to help them find their interests and achieve goals. I'm sure that helped a lot, but I do think that their personalities are so complex that their lives will always be a little harder because of it, and it has nothing to do with being homeschooled, etc. It's just a brain genetics thing. I will say that over the years, as they've built up confidence in many areas of their lives and accepted this uniqueness in themselves more willingly, they're more comfortable with it all. We sometimes joke about it and laugh, and I think that helps them take it not so personally. They're learning to realize that they're not really doing things "wrong," they're just being themselves, which happens to be a little different than a lot of (most) people. And that that's okay. Anyway, I don't know if that helps or if it's even related to your situation, but perhaps. Oh -- one of my kids I was referring to, my dd, has just graduated from college and is still like that, but it really no longer seems to bother her. She's comfortable in her skin, she has a great relationship with her employer and current housemates, and I'm still her best buddy. ? I still go out of my way to do things with her and I do believe she is really content with that. (Also, I know what you mean about the parents! It's hard to understand how some parents let their kids get away with not including peers in their own social group. It really baffles my mind sometimes...) 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted August 23, 2018 Author Share Posted August 23, 2018 It is rather odd to see that my kids are more mature than other kids, old spirits some of them. Complex personalities is putting it nicely. LOL This particular kid is very outgoing and social and when around new people makes friends quickly, but these new people usually don't live nearby. But it still hurts to not "fit" with the core group, of which you are a part. This one is a leader but has no followers. This one is seen as a leader by the adult leaders, taking responsibility, has the great ideas, participates, reliable. It is almost like being the only one participating and everybody else is off being wild. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 6 minutes ago, gaillardia said: It is rather odd to see that my kids are more mature than other kids, old spirits some of them. Complex personalities is putting it nicely. LOL This particular kid is very outgoing and social and when around new people makes friends quickly, but these new people usually don't live nearby. But it still hurts to not "fit" with the core group, of which you are a part. This one is a leader but has no followers. This one is seen as a leader by the adult leaders, taking responsibility, has the great ideas, participates, reliable. It is almost like being the only one participating and everybody else is off being wild. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. Yes, it does make sense. My kids were seen as leaders too. But again, I think they were beyond their years in some ways so even though they completed connected with the adult leaders, they just couldn't figure out how to connect with peers -- they were at very different levels. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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