Packrat

[greenfields]

Is anyone else dealing with this?

Edited September 14, 2017 by greenfields

[jewellsmommy]

My dd is a packrat (jr. hoarder) it concerns me, and we are trying to give her tools to manage this predilection. Dd has a ton of stuffed animals, dolls, little keep-sakes. When she was a toddler she collected rocks, buttons, and dh's electrical tape. When she was about 6/7 she started collecting little dried beans (whenever I cooked with them, she'd get one or two). She made them a habitat with little hammocks and scenery. SHe doesn't like to put stuff away in bins where she can't see them. It is very emotional ordeal for her to purge things. It got way worse in late childhood due to some other factors that changed in our household around that same time.

 

 

Dh is a bit of a tech-packrat. The 1/2 converted, attached garage doubles as his workshop and is overflowing with wires, circuits, computer parts, and the like. But, thankfully, that's about it for him. 

 

I have a hard time letting go of books, art supplies, and any educational related products. 

 

Would your dh be willing to set limits? Something like, this shelf is for knick-knacks...when it is full, then anything new has to replace something he is willing to let go of. Set a designated space for each category and when it's full, that's it. There is no more making additional storage elsewhere for said items. This is how I control my educational tools, supplies, and books. I have a desire for less stuff in my way. It's an internal struggle at times though.

Edited July 20, 2017 by jewellsmommy

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

Yes, but this is generational and across families so nothing new.  In our own home we have managed to keep it under control but we still have way more "stuff" than any one family needs.  It is frustrating but I tend to be pack ratty myself.  I do understand the mentality.  And DD has collections of things that really matter to her but take up quite a bit of space over time.  We have had to all impose some limits for ourselves with support and it isn't always easy to keep on top of things.

 

Hoarding is different from being a pack rat, though, as far as I can tell.  Hoarding is a mental illness that needs treatment.  Do you feel your DH is just a pack rat or may be a true hoarder?  

[gardenmom5]

"he buys . . . "

 

this sounds like a compulsive spending problem.  it is related to depression/anxiety - and responds to antidepressants and counseling.

Edited July 20, 2017 by gardenmom5

[jewellsmommy]

In observation...some people seem to value the freedom of available space, ease of less upkeep, traveling light (thinking diaper bags, purses, back packs) and tend to a "less is more."

 

Others seem to value the concept of resources and preparedness, as in having stuff for just-in-case. I carried a very full diaper bag with about every contingency. My purse is the same way. My dh likes having obscure parts for odd cases. He has experienced the regret of tossing something and then needing it a year later- unable to replace it because it is hard to find etc.

 

Both above are average and have ranges of extremity that are still "normal." Most people can switch between the two based on will/motivation to change/discipline or changes in available space.

 

Then there are those that desire to collect and hold things out of something emotional within them. They seem unable to change appropriately as space becomes limited and discipline or willpower isn't enough to make or maintain a change. This may require some outside help or extra attention to tools and techniques or even therapy.

[OneStepAtATime]

"he buys . . . "

 

this sounds like a compulsive spending problem.  it is related to depression/anxiety - and responds to antidepressants and counseling.

This.  I hadn't thought of this but compulsive buying, depending on the severity, can also be a mental illness or can indicate depression/anxiety.

 

Is it possible your husband isn't just a pack rat but is dealing with depression/anxiety?  It can manifest very differently in men than women.

[gardenmom5]

This.  I hadn't thought of this but compulsive buying, depending on the severity, can also be a mental illness or can indicate depression/anxiety.

 

Is it possible your husband isn't just a pack rat but is dealing with depression/anxiety?  It can manifest very differently in men than women.

 

mil is a compulsive spender - even she recognized the Adrenalin rush she got from spending.   (she never received treatment.  family members just had to keep her out of stores. - she doesn't know about qvc, and she doesn't go online.)

 

eta:mil is also a packrat with junk all over. her parents were full blown hoarders, without the deal animals and rotting food.

Edited July 20, 2017 by gardenmom5

[greenfields]

Sorry, I don't know how to use the quote feature, so I'll respond without quotes.  I also edited the post to focus on key areas.  

 

I suppose the purchases fulfill a need for things and provide a sense of excitement.  There is a family habit component about keeping things - somewhat obsessive compulsive.  

 

It's difficult to homeschool with clutter.  I have been reducing some clutter slowly.  

[OneStepAtATime]

Sorry, I don't know how to use the quote feature, so I'll respond without quotes.  I also edited the post to focus on key areas.  

 

I suppose the purchases fulfill a need for things and provide a sense of excitement.  There is a family habit component about keeping things - somewhat obsessive compulsive.  

 

It's difficult to homeschool with clutter.  I have been reducing some clutter slowly.  

Is it possible to limit his stuff to one room?  Do you have a room somewhere that can be just for his stuff?  I ask because I have seen this work.

 

For example, a couple I was friends with were polar opposites in personality.  He was extremely neat and she (self-labeled) was a slob and a collector.  They were living in an apartment.  To survive, she was allowed to do whatever she wanted, collect whatever floated her boat, pile up to the ceiling anything and everything she decided was worthy of her attention in the one bedroom and he wouldn't touch that room.  It was all hers.  If anything spilled over into the rest of the apartment from lack of space in that room she had to cull down or he was allowed to cull down for her.  The rest of the apartment he could keep as clean as he needed to.  It worked well for them.

 

If this is really negatively impacting your lives and he isn't willing to limit his things to one room/one area of the house (or you don't have a room you could make just his or financially he is causing damage to your family stability) I would suggest trying to find a counselor that specializes in issues like this.  Your DH may be dealing with issues he cannot overcome on his own.

[bettyandbob]

I made a rule that if any group called and asked for donations everyone had to fill a bag (you can start with a small bag). I started becoming a regular so we got calls monthly.

 

Now, the calls don't come often because it's online for scheduling pick ups.

 

If he likes buying and can afford it, how about calling the local family shelter and asking about needs for children. My shelter a stock of special toys they wrap for when a birthday occurs while the family is the shelter. Could he transfer that enjoyment of spending to others.

 

Another thing to clear out stuff is to have a garage sale or get a table

at a community yardsale. You could make that a ds project and let ds keep the proceeds toward an activity (not stuff) he wanted.

 

If there's a compulsion involved you may need to get treatment.

[marbel]

I agree that there may be some issues with depression, compulsive spending, etc.   If that is the case, you need to pursue treatment.  

 

But right now you have the practical problem of his collections hindering  your homeschooling efforts.    Will he respond positively to a request that he contain his stuff out of the way so you can homeschool his/your child?  

 

Is he on board with homeschooling?   Is he OK with homeschooling as long as it's your thing and doesn't affect him?  Does he disagree with homeschooling (would rather have your son in school)?   If he sees homeschooling as a good and right thing to do, and can see how his stuff is in the way, he may be willing to deal with it.  If he's not so into it, it's going to be tougher to get him to agree. 

 

My husband is a packrat - not compulsive buyer.  He is one of those who is convinced that pretty much anything will come in handy someday.  He keeps his stuff out of my way (for the most part).  If it impacted our homeschooling, he would have agreed to move it out of the way.  

 

You don't have to answer my questions here, of course.  But rather than start with ways to get rid of his stuff, try to find ways to get it so it's not hindering you.  That just treats the immediate problem, but at least you will be able to homeschool your child.

 

ETA: I shouldn't have said "request."  You need to tell your husband that his stuff is in your way and he needs to move it so you can homeschool.  I'm not sure why I said to ask  him.  It's a statement of fact:  I can't homeschool effectively because of all this stuff here. You need to move it.  If you don't have time, I'll put it _________."

Edited July 22, 2017 by marbel

[Anne in CA]

My own dh likes things out where he can see them. It gets visually stressful and he has a hard time understanding my need for a tidy restful space. We had a huge blowout several years ago over some junky shelves he put in our formal living room for his music mess. We fought for a day, he finally acknowledged there were other places for the mess, he moved it before he went to work on Monday and I moved it, which I told him I would do with a hatchet, lol. I needed that room to have a peaceful cup of tea in from time to time. It was not acceptable for him to start to encroach there. He actually improved a lot after that and we moved where he could put his stuff in the basement and a shop. We filled FOUR huge dumpsters when we moved here.