For those who work FT and/or go to school!

[Renee in NC]

I need some help to see how this would work.

 

I work mostly FT now, but in our own business. We take the school-aged dc with us and we do school at our store. However, the store is likely to close sometime in the near future, so I am working on Plan B.

 

I think Plan B will be for me to get a second B.S. in Clinical Lab Science (I have a BS in Psych now.) I want to do research and this is a step in the right direction. I have mapped out how I can get the pre-reqs (including re-taking classes I took 15 years ago) and it is very doable to enter in Fall of 2010. To do this, I will need to take 2-3 classes per semester Spring, Summer, and Fall of 2009. Then, starting in 2010, I will be in school full-time for at least 18 months, hopefully finishing by December 2011.

 

My Plan C is nursing school (not a BSN, but just an RN.)

 

The problem? All of this will require that dh and I share the homeschooling/child duties. I think the best option is that dh work nights so that he can be home days while I am in school (and I will probably work PT until I am in school FT.) Dh could supervise homeschooling, but I would still need to do the bulk of the actual teaching. I am willing to use more self-directed materials for this time in order to make this happen.

 

Now, to my question:

 

If you have a similar situation, how does it work in your house? What does your dh do and/or not do? If he works, what does he do? What are the upsides/downsides? What would you do differently if you had to start over?

 

Thanks!

[Renee in NC]

Bump?

[melissel]

Well, here's the thing. That would never work in my house, because DH is just not the housework-and-kid-care kind of guy, let alone one to manage HSing. He insists that he could be a SAH dad, but he's deluded. I've gone back to working 40 hours a week until the end of the year, and he agreed and helped me come up with a plan that involves him caring for the kids two days a week while I work downstairs. What is has ACTUALLY involved is him wandering around the house two days a week saying, "What I am going to do with these kids? ARGH!", asking "Should I handle that or do you want to?" when some minor crisis arises or DD6's Friday nature class rolls around, trying to do things like install blinds while the kids pester me in the office, and nixing all my ideas like "Do Bella's math lesson with her. Get out the paint and let them paint. Take them in the backyard. Take them to the park." In the meantime, I'm still doing all the housework.

 

SO. That is all to say, you're going to need to scrutinize your DH, yourself and your relationship VERY carefully before you head into this, because in spite of all the best plans and promises to the contrary, my DH doesn't step up to the plate like he should, and I have a feeling many DHs are like this. In addition, being on those opposite schedules would be very hard on our relationship, because DH craves more of me than he gets already. It also would take a very disciplined person to be home with the kids all day and then work at night too.

 

I hate to be so negative. I wish that our experience here were more positive so that I could give you more positive advice, but frankly, it's been very, very difficult, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The only thing that has made it work here is that my mom comes and cares for the kids 15-20 hours a week, and also cooks on those days (usually leaving enough for leftovers for the next day too). I think if it were just DH and me running the kind of schedule you laid out, there's no way it would work. Hopefully your DH is a different kind of guy. I think that would make a big difference (obviously).

 

I'm so sorry you're in the spot you're in. I wish it were easier for you, and for us too. I hope you guys can find a way to work something out. If you lived close to me we could swap childcare!

[cathmom]

How are you going to take classes in Spring 2009? You are having a baby in January! Are they at home/online classes? What about finishing the accounting degree you were working on? What will dh be doing to position himself better?

[Sunshine State Sue]

If you have a similar situation, how does it work in your house? What does your dh do and/or not do? If he works, what does he do? What are the upsides/downsides? What would you do differently if you had to start over?

 

I have always worked. 20hrs/wk in 1st 12yrs of ds's life. This year, I've had to increase to 30hrs/wk. Fortunately, it's been from home for the last 6yrs with a flexible schedule. Right now, dh (minister) has M/T off. I work all day on Tuesday while dh does 1/2 science with ds. Ds has homework from me, and then they retreat to video games for the rest of the day, in general.

 

Well, here's the thing. That would never work in my house, because DH is just not the housework-and-kid-care kind of guy, let alone one to manage HSing. He insists that he could be a SAH dad, but he's deluded.

Totally agree with this! Dh is just not the detailed kind of guy. We could not homeschool if I worked more or we had more children. Even 30hrs/wk has been difficult for me.

[Amy in NY]

I went back to work 30 hours per week last February. It's been hard. I have to be super, super, super organized to make sure EVERYTHING gets done - from school to meals. I write the lesson plans and dh implements them. This year, I am home 1 1/2 days per week so I get to school the kids on those days. Dh schools them on M & T. We do history & science on those days when I get home. I bought pre-packaged curriculum (Sonlight - history & science) for the first time ever this year. Last year, I found that making actually lesson plans & ordering books from the library took too much time.

 

You can work (outside of the home) and do school w/kids. Adding school for yourself will be tricky. Your dh will need to be 100% on board and, of course, so will the kids. Mine have had to take on more chores, make meals, and help with the littles. It all still works - it's just not what I thought homeschooling would be.

 

Feel free to pm me if you want something more specific.

[Heather in Neverland]

I work mon-fri 8am-3:30pm and I take 2 graduate classes per semester (online right now but eventually I will have to go on campus). Dh works 4pm -1am. He has Tuesday and Sunday off. I choose the curriculum and plan the lessons, and dh implements them (although our 10yo is pretty independent). I do laundry and clean bathrooms and dust, dh washes dishes and vacuums/sweeps. I handle the bills, he grocery shops. My boys clean their own room. We both cook.

 

The key for us is to stay on schedule. We never let the house get messy because then it is SUCH a monumental task to get back on track. For instance, I do one load of laundry (at least) every day. I do NOT let it build up and try to tackle it once a week because I would be overwhelmed. He straightens the house in the morning and I straighten it before bed.

 

It is teamwork and that's how we roll in this family! :D

[PamJH]

You have 6 3/4 children? I have to agree with poster who said their DHs likely wouldn't be able to take on daily child care and work at night. And most of us don't have as many children as you do. My DH never could have done it long-term, in fact, I think he'd have refused.

 

I'm not saying this couldn't be done, but you'd have to be super organized and committed. Your career choice also is going to involve a lot of homework (I'm assuming). Will you have time for that, especially with an infant?

 

I work 32 to 36 hours per week, at night, but I have just 2 teenage children who are very self-sufficient even when Dad isn't home.

 

You'd have my never-ending applause if you pull this off. You'd also support my theory that homeschoolers can do anything if they put their minds to it.

[JWSJ]

Drama Queen,

 

Our family has the schedule you proposed. I (the husband) work nights and do childcare for part of the day. My wife works part-time during the day. We share homeschooling duties.

 

Our largest obsticule has been lack of sleep for me. After working all night long, sleep is needed in the morning. Due to scheduling or noise, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Then try doing childcare/homeschooling when you feel like a zombie. Then right back to work again. It can be very stressful. After 3 days of no sleep, I have said things that I couldn't believe I would ever say...

 

Also, with working different schedules, we've found our lives come out of sync. On days off there is the expectation that I move to their schedule. It can be difficult to move from one schedule to another repeatedly. There is no alone time anymore - by yourself or with your spouse. Everything has to be scheduled on a group calendar - or it doesn't get complete.

 

Maintenace around the house/cars has suffered. It's impossible to perform house/car repairs with children around. Although, we share equally in the house cleaning duties there is no sharing in regard to house/car maintenance. It's an expectation she has - she wants nothing to do with it.

 

It's been challenging for us and we look forward to getting back to normal schedules.

 

We did this for me to finally finish school. I would not do this with 6 children and/or such a heavy school load. IMO, it's asking too much.

Edited October 26, 2008 by JWSJ

[Karen in CO]

My schedule wouldn't fly for many either. I want Heather to come over and redistribute the workload around my house. Please. (btw - we need a cute little grovel smiley).

 

For the last 6 years I have worked Fri 2pm - 2am and Sat, Sun 12pm - 12 am. My DH works M-F 7-4 theoretically, but he has the stressful, over scheduled job and often works much more. My DH works from home on Fridays so that I can go to work, and my oldest is 18 now and has always had the job of sibling supervisor on Fridays. That job is moving down to the middle child in January.

 

How involved is the DH in the housework and homeschooling now? What are the ages of the kids homeschooling? How self-directed are they now? How good are the two of you at sharing the load? Are the kids trained in doing their share of the housework? Do you have back-up care for when your schedules don't overlap or when there is illness? Is your DH fully commited to this kind of schedule? My dh and I have to schedule a day off just to spend a day as a family. Your situation is temporary, but the "ships passing in the night" relationship is very hard and gets old very fast.

 

To answer some of your questions, I do the bills, meal planning, everything homeschool, laundry, housekeeping, yard work, errands, swim lessons, cooking, shopping. DH works 60+ hours a week, makes me coffee before he goes to the office, takes the kids out on Sunday morning so that I can sleep until 9, takes them hiking and bike riding and to parties, cooks and reads to them on weekends, sometimes has to work weekends so I pack the kids to the office with me for a few hours for a break for him. He is also home for dinner at 6 alomost every night before he disappears into his home office to do more work.

 

What would we do differently? Probably nothing, except maybe one of us be a SAH parent.

 

Communication and being open and honest with each other about your expectations is the key.

[Renee in NC]

How are you going to take classes in Spring 2009? You are having a baby in January! Are they at home/online classes? What about finishing the accounting degree you were working on? What will dh be doing to position himself better?

 

Online classes, don't worry!;)

 

I don't want to do accounting because that is *not* a flexible enough job. In order to make any decent money at it you have to work a regular 9-5 job and then 60-70 hours a week during tax season. I am looking for something less confining.

 

I don't know what dh is going to do - that is his department.;)

[Renee in NC]

Thanks for all the replies - you are probably right. Dh wouldn't take on many responsibilities, but he could supervise/hold dc accountable. He couldn't be a SAH parent, but we could split BOTH roles (breadwinner being the other.)

 

The dilemma is if I don't do something, we are always going to be in this boat. The thought of being this bad off for the next 18 years makes me want to literally throw up. Dh isn't likely to ever make more than a working class salary, and that salary doesn't pay for the basics, much less the extras that will make sure that my dc aren't in the same boat when they are grown.

 

I am dedicated to homeschooling, though, so I have to work around that.

[Brigitte]

I don't want to do accounting because that is *not* a flexible enough job. In order to make any decent money at it you have to work a regular 9-5 job and then 60-70 hours a week during tax season. I am looking for something less confining.

 

Accounting does not necessarily mean tax accounting. I worked in corporate accounting for 5 years and basically could set my schedule. The only time I put in extra hours was during our annual audit and when we were short handed.

[Renee in NC]

Accounting does not necessarily mean tax accounting. I worked in corporate accounting for 5 years and basically could set my schedule. The only time I put in extra hours was during our annual audit and when we were short handed.

 

How did you find that job? All of the corporate jobs I have seen (other than PT bookkeeping) were regular 9-5 jobs.

 

I would do accounting if I had to, but I don't like it!

[Brigitte]

I worked for the foundation that does the billing for the UVA physicians. I did payroll for a while and then did the accounting for the satelite practices. I started working there after I got my my master's in acctg. Accounting is not fun or exciting, but it is easy. If you don't have the degree already and the schooling would require the same amount of time, I would go for something more interesting.

[Melinda in VT]

Thanks for all the replies - you are probably right. Dh wouldn't take on many responsibilities, but he could supervise/hold dc accountable. He couldn't be a SAH parent, but we could split BOTH roles (breadwinner being the other.)

 

I'm curious what you mean by the part I marked in bold above. Why do you feel your DH couldn't be a SAHD? If it is just that he needs an identity/job outside of childcare, then I think your solution might work.

 

However, I seem to remember (and forgive me if I'm wrong) that your DH was prone to watching TV all day when he was home and that he had great difficulty holding the kids accountable for doing their schoolwork. If I'm remembering correctly, and if that is still the case, then I think your plan will cause great stress on your family.

 

I am dedicated to homeschooling, though, so I have to work around that.

 

Trying to tread gently here . . .

 

Can I ask why? Don't get me wrong, I think homeschooling is great and often wish we were still homeschooling. But in your particular situation (large number of kids, the need for you to bring in serious income, a DH who isn't suited to being the primary hsing parent), it seems family life might be a lot less stressful if the kids went to school outside the home.

 

Again, please forgive me if I've overstepped. :leaving:

[Renee in NC]

I worked for the foundation that does the billing for the UVA physicians. I did payroll for a while and then did the accounting for the satelite practices. I started working there after I got my my master's in acctg. Accounting is not fun or exciting, but it is easy. If you don't have the degree already and the schooling would require the same amount of time, I would go for something more interesting.

 

My Masters in Acct would take less time but more money. I have taken 2 of the 15 classes already. Acct is easy - that is why I don't like it.:D Actually, I have been doing some sort of bookkeeping or acct for the past 12 years and I am just over it.

 

Studying doesn't bother me. The class schedule for the Clinical Lab Science is 4 hours a day at most - Fridays would only be 2 hours. And it is an undergraduate level program, so much easier.

[Renee in NC]

I'm curious what you mean by the part I marked in bold above. Why do you feel your DH couldn't be a SAHD? If it is just that he needs an identity/job outside of childcare, then I think your solution might work.

 

However, I seem to remember (and forgive me if I'm wrong) that your DH was prone to watching TV all day when he was home and that he had great difficulty holding the kids accountable for doing their schoolwork. If I'm remembering correctly, and if that is still the case, then I think your plan will cause great stress on your family.

 

 

 

Trying to tread gently here . . .

 

Can I ask why? Don't get me wrong, I think homeschooling is great and often wish we were still homeschooling. But in your particular situation (large number of kids, the need for you to bring in serious income, a DH who isn't suited to being the primary hsing parent), it seems family life might be a lot less stressful if the kids went to school outside the home.

 

Again, please forgive me if I've overstepped. :leaving:

 

Honestly, I have one child in school (he has never been hs.) He is doing okay and mostly enjoys the social life. My 10 yo is not cut out for school at all and I couldn't do that to him - you'd have to know him to understand.

 

The others could go, sure. I would just hate for them to go - more than I would hate for them to grow up this way. There may not be a choice, later, though.

[PariSarah]

. . . dh and I are both full-time students. We've arranged our schedule every semester with "coverage" in mind (Who's got the kids when?), and most semesters that works out to an every-other-day arrangement. I'm at school nine to ten hours three days a week, he does the same the other three days. (We take Sundays off.) On the days we're not at school, we're the parent-in-charge, doing all housework and homeschooling for the day.

 

We only have a few his-and-hers jobs: he does all French, I do most of the writing; he does the dishes, I do the food; he does the mowing, I do the gardening. He does all vehicle stuff, I do all curriculum stuff. Other than that, whoever's home does whatever needs doing. If the floors need scrubbed, he'll scrub 'em. If the gutters need cleaning, I'll get out the ladder and do it.

 

Honestly, the only way this works is that dh sees himself as a full-time parent. I never hear stuff like, "Well, I do more than MOST dads" or "Why can't I just {whatever} like all the other guys get to?" We've both shaped our identities around the idea that we are both full-time parents, as well as full-time students. He's not babysitting for me while I work, and I'm not bringing in a little extra money while he watches the kids for me. He takes responsibility for being a parent, not just a babysitter. (And I, by the same token, take responsibility for my long-term career, not just for an income.)

 

If that's not going to be the case for you, you might have to consider either part time (or casual part time) work or some sort of help with schooling (either traditional school, or some kind of tutor, if that's allowed in your state).

 

One thing to consider is that certain professions might allow for some more flexibility after you "prove yourself" than at the beginning. So it might be that if you do something less-than-ideal for two or three years, you might earn the power to set your own schedule better. As an example, my dad does a very specialized kind of bookkeeping (don't even ask me--there's a reason I'm in the humanities!), and after two or three years of experience in that area, he had employers begging him to set his own schedule if only he'd stay with them/come to work for them. His last offer included the provision that he only had to come into the office twice a month, and the week or two before tax season. Everything else was telecommuting. (ETA: And this is not because he's got some fancy degree or specialized training. He only has a two-year degree, no CPA, nothing. It was just that two or three years experience in a kind of bookkeeping not many people want to do.)

 

So, you might need to look at job opportunities from this long-term perspective: Okay, if I get a tutor for two years, I can make this work, but money will still be tight. AFTER that, though, I'll be able to . . . whatever it is. Or: Okay, this part-time job isn't the best, but they'll be hiring for blah-ditty-blah soon, and they'll be more likely to hire me if I'm already working for them. THEN, I'll have a more reasonable schedule.

 

Does that help at all?

[shell in SC]

I think you're being a little to optimistic about the situation. DH will work nights, so when will he sleep? During the day when he's supervising DC's school work and taking care of kids?

 

You are going to take classes/work PT, which is the equivalent of a 40 hour workweek. You're going to have to study, prepare lessons, do housework (B/c you said DH wasn't going to take on more responsibilities), laundry and cooking. And find time to sleep.

 

Map out your plan on a piece of paper. Actually make a time line for a day and try to work it out on paper. Schedule in everything and see if it looks doable. . .realistically doable. . .not doable for Wonder MOM. Make sure you schedule time to clean, do laundry, cook, plan lessons, etc. I think you'll find that with young children it's not going to work as well as you hope.

 

I really don't mean to be negative, but I didn't work FT and homeschool till DD was old enough to stay home alone during the day and responsible enough to do HW during the day. We had to do school work in the evenings while DH cooked supper and cleaned up the dinner dishes. After kids go to bed I was making the next days lesson plans. It wasn't ideal. . .it allowed for no flexibility (IE-going out to eat one night or having to run an errand after work.)

 

I think at this point you can't do all that and still be dedicated to homeschooling. We all knew when we decided to hs that it would require sacrifices. . .let's face it, no one can have it all. And this may be one of those times. I wanted to take classes too when I was homeschooling DD's high school, but I knew that realistically I would never be able to study.

 

HTH!

Keep us posted!

shell

[Renee in NC]

It *does* help, Sarah. I was hoping you would answer because I knew that you were both FT at both things.

 

Casual PT job is a given - we can't live without me working. I may even have to work FT depending on the situation. If that is the case, I'll work nights (I don't need as much sleep.) Working PT to just make it isn't my idea of a good time, though - some day I would like to be more than just getting by.

 

My dh is great about many things, but he isn't going to scrub toilets, do laundry (other than putting it in and making sure a dc switches it out), or do much of anything other than general straightening unless I ask him specifically. He will cook, but not plan.

 

I imagine it won't be much different than now, except I'll be home more. Things are much better than when he was home 3 years ago, but he still isn't planning any kind of career - just a job. It would be better if one of us had more than just a job, I would think.

[Renee in NC]

I think at this point you can't do all that and still be dedicated to homeschooling. We all knew when we decided to hs that it would require sacrifices. . .let's face it, no one can have it all.

 

 

I am not even looking for it all - just enough. And I figure if dh is dead-set on them never going to school, then he is going to have to step-up and help make that happen.

 

I am not going to bug him about it now - he has enough stress without worrying about the future. However, the future is going to get here soon enough, and we have to be ready. I am not going to spend the rest of my life (or my dc's lives) like this.

[PariSarah]

My dh is great about many things, but he isn't going to scrub toilets, do laundry (other than putting it in and making sure a dc switches it out), or do much of anything other than general straightening unless I ask him specifically. He will cook, but not plan.

 

I do virtually all the planning. He's just very faithful about implementing it. So if he were willing, if it wouldn't put a strain on your marriage (read: his ego ;)) for you to have a running list of chores, or some such, and be really detailed about planning the homeschooling, I don't see why it couldn't work.

 

(Assuming, of course, you can get the schedule thing worked out.)

 

I was more organized when Isaac was younger and when our work was less copious and stressful, so I used to do things like that--laminated charts where we all checked off the chores we had done, that sort of thing.

 

Is there any way you can get familiar with nursing before committing to nursing school? Practically speaking, nursing offers a LOT of non-traditional options, and it can be a very profitable career. From a practical and financial perspective, nursing might be a great choice for you. But it's not easy work, and you might want to see if you can get some sort of hospital experience before you really start down that path.

 

(My mom went to nursing school when I was in middle school, worked part time at first, later full time, and by the time her last child was out of the house, she had gotten herself noticed as a dependable, intelligent nurse. She had also, slowly, slowly, slowly, finished her masters. She's now in nursing education and loves it. But she definitely started out slow!!)

 

Blessings to you as you struggle with this . . . I hope you are able to wrangle something you can be happy with out of the situation.

[Renee in NC]

I do virtually all the planning. He's just very faithful about implementing it. So if he were willing, if it wouldn't put a strain on your marriage (read: his ego ;)) for you to have a running list of chores, or some such, and be really detailed about planning the homeschooling, I don't see why it couldn't work.

 

(Assuming, of course, you can get the schedule thing worked out.)

 

I was more organized when Isaac was younger and when our work was less copious and stressful, so I used to do things like that--laminated charts where we all checked off the chores we had done, that sort of thing.

 

Is there any way you can get familiar with nursing before committing to nursing school? Practically speaking, nursing offers a LOT of non-traditional options, and it can be a very profitable career. From a practical and financial perspective, nursing might be a great choice for you. But it's not easy work, and you might want to see if you can get some sort of hospital experience before you really start down that path.

 

(My mom went to nursing school when I was in middle school, worked part time at first, later full time, and by the time her last child was out of the house, she had gotten herself noticed as a dependable, intelligent nurse. She had also, slowly, slowly, slowly, finished her masters. She's now in nursing education and loves it. But she definitely started out slow!!)

 

Blessings to you as you struggle with this . . . I hope you are able to wrangle something you can be happy with out of the situation.

 

If I do any of this, I will get my Certified Nursing Assistant certification in the Spring and my PT job will be in that area, so I will better know what I want to do.

 

I'll be honest - nursing is not one of my ideal careers. I'd much rather work in the lab.;) I wouldn't go into it if I felt I couldn't do it (and do it well), but it wouldn't be my *first* choice.