Timely article about dealing with an emotional manipulator

[Suzanne in ABQ]

This article popped up in my Linked In feed.  It's an excellent list of the ways certain people are able to get under your skin and use your emotions to manipulate you.  If you can't access it (I don't know if you must have a Linked In account to see it), let me know, and I'll PM it to you privately.  I believe it's against board rules to just post the text here.

 

 

 

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/telltale-signs-youre-dealing-emotional-manipulator-bradberry

 

 

 

ETA: Article is by Dr. Travis Bradberry, one of the authors of Emotional Intelligence 2.0

Edited December 21, 2016 by Suzanne in ABQ

[Jaz]

Thanks, this is very helpful as we're dealing with a new situation this Christmas.

[Liz CA]

Good article. Sums it up precisely.

[gardenmom5]

yep.  btdt.    so true.  and yes - once you know what to look for . . . it's easy to spot.

[J-rap]

Interesting article.  I must say, I know only one person who maybe comes close to that, but I'm quite certain that she doesn't really plan and scheme ahead of time... it just kind of happens naturally.  Like it's her natural way of thinking due to very unfortunate growing up patterns.  But this article makes it seem like these people are very self-aware and do actually plan and scheme and know completely what they are doing.  Is that generally the case?  I've always been curious about this.

[4Kiddos]

This was so very helpful. I always feel like I am crazy when dealing with my in-laws and this article made perfect sense.

[Carrie12345]

Interesting article.  I must say, I know only one person who maybe comes close to that, but I'm quite certain that she doesn't really plan and scheme ahead of time... it just kind of happens naturally.  Like it's her natural way of thinking due to very unfortunate growing up patterns.  But this article makes it seem like these people are very self-aware and do actually plan and scheme and know completely what they are doing.  Is that generally the case?  I've always been curious about this.

 

My understanding/thoughts on it:

 

1. It doesn't really matter, because the results are the same.

 

2. It doesn't have to be premeditated to be intentional.  I don't (usually) premeditate being kind, but I tend to pull it off okay.

 

3.  There ARE various levels of... self-perception.  People, at least adult people, for the very most part, are aware of the results of long-term behaviors.  Even if they place the blame on you, they know you do X when they do Y.  And they get agitated if you don't do as expected. (Like I get agitated when people respond negatively to kindness, seemingly out of nowhere. Key word: seemingly. That's my perception, but may not be theirs.)

[gardenmom5]

Interesting article.  I must say, I know only one person who maybe comes close to that, but I'm quite certain that she doesn't really plan and scheme ahead of time... it just kind of happens naturally.  Like it's her natural way of thinking due to very unfortunate growing up patterns.  But this article makes it seem like these people are very self-aware and do actually plan and scheme and know completely what they are doing.  Is that generally the case?  I've always been curious about this.

 

just because they don't plot every second of every day, doesn't mean they don't plot.

 

they can intend it in the moment, without preplanning. at times, my grandmother did it becasue that was how her mind worked - and others, she absolutely intended it.  it wasn't hard to tell the difference.  when she intended it and succeeded, she'd get this smirk and self-satisfied cackle. (shudder)  and she intended it more often than not.  (i also saw her be confused that her actions angered people.)

 

I've had opportunity to watch others who manipulate over time, and up close.  they know what they're doing.

 

eta: what's really scary is when they suck innocent (stupid) bystanders into helping them.  yeah, I've seen that too.

Edited December 22, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Seasider]

IME, the person I knew was always, always seeking his own best interest. I think after such a long time living that way (older guy), his machinations seemed instinctive behavior. So not so much premeditated, but very surely behaving/influencing others' behaviors to get his own way and be the center of attention in every transaction of life.

 

This article is creepy-accurate.

[Seasider]

just because they don't plot every second of every day, doesn't mean they don't plot.

 

they can intend it in the moment, without preplanning. at times, my grandmother did it becasue that was how her mind worked - and others, she absolutely intended it. it wasn't hard to tell the difference. when she intended it and succeeded, she'd get this smirk and self-satisfied cackle. (shudder) and she intended it more often than not. (i also saw her be confused that her actions angered people.)

 

I've had opportunity to watch others who manipulate over time, and up close. they know what they're doing.

 

eta: what's really scary is when they suck innocent (stupid) bystanders into helping them. yeah, I've seen that too.

I agree that they know what they're doing - what their own goal is - but it is so second nature to them that they don't have to think too hard about it on a day by day basis.

 

When it comes to manipulating a big circumstance, like someone else trying to interrupt their status quo, the snow job begins, with bystanders getting sucked onto the manipulator's "side" thanks to tales of how s/he's been unjustly treated (lies). Anyone who can't be snowed becomes the enemy and personal attacks begin as the manipulator resorts to lies in an attempt to discredit the one trying to call the emperor naked. That's when such a person snaps into active calculation, but the goal is the same: preserving the status quo in his own best interest (no matter how bad it is for others in his immediate daily realm).

 

That's my experience, anyway. Very horrible experience.

[gardenmom5]

IME, the person I knew was always, always seeking his own best interest. I think after such a long time living that way (older guy), his machinations seemed instinctive behavior. So not so much premeditated, but very surely behaving/influencing others' behaviors to get his own way and be the center of attention in every transaction of life.

 

This article is creepy-accurate.

yes.  I have to deal with one relative (so I'm stuck) now who "must be the center of the universe".   few people are around her enough to really "see it", and think she's entertaining and 'charming'.  she has quite the circle to give her adulation.  

 

it's interesting, as she seems to want to be "nice", but can't help herself at manipulating to get attention.  at least one of her children has complained about it to her.  ironically - the one I would have pegged as being most like her.  living far away from her has been so good for this kid.

 

I agree that they know what they're doing - what their own goal is - but it is so second nature to them that they don't have to think too hard about it on a day by day basis.

 

When it comes to manipulating a big circumstance, like someone else trying to interrupt their status quo, the snow job begins, with bystanders getting sucked onto the manipulator's "side" thanks to tales of how s/he's been unjustly treated (lies). Anyone who can't be snowed becomes the enemy and personal attacks begin as the manipulator resorts to lies in an attempt to discredit the one trying to call the emperor naked. That's when such a person snaps into active calculation, but the goal is the same: preserving the status quo in his own best interest (no matter how bad it is for others in his immediate daily realm).

 

That's my experience, anyway. Very horrible experience.

 

you're right, I didn't explain well.  it really is second nature, they dont' have to think about it.  to change would require thought.

 

their status quo doesn't have to be interrupted to seek to manipulate.  well, maybe that's what my grandmother viewed my marriage as. . . . except, I'd already decided her opinion wasn't worth squat. (before dh and I met)  she literally tried to convince me dh was having an affair.  a WEEK after we got married.

then, my living relative must. be. the. center. of. attention.  big party - any party, and will do things to be the center of attention.  her daughters bridal/baby showers - she made herself the center of attention.  at least for one of them, her friend dragged her to another room while her daughter was opening her gifts.

 

and yes - for anyone who hasn't dealt with these people. . . if you don't know what is happening, you think you are crazy.  uh, no.  they're the crazy one.  so, just as a matter of self-defense, you need to know what you are seeing.