Help with depressed parent

[Princess5]

My mom is visiting for a month and she is depressed and has been to 2-3 doctors who gave her medication like Zoloft which she refuses to take. My dad passed away 16 years ago and she lives alone. Has no friends or great family relationships. I am a sahm so I am home all day with her and my mom keeps irritating me so much that I feel like I am constantly shouting or arguing with her. I feel like such a loser daughter for my behavior and that I am not patient or loving her unconditionally. My kids 7 and 4 observe this and I am worried about all the craziness they are exposed to. There is no joy in her life and she constantly stays in her room thinking. Any tips for me? Please don't quote this, I may delete this later. Ty

[Katy]

Download a copy of the book Boundaries and read it tonight.   Come back with questions when you have them.

[Anne in CA]

Just wanted to say... It's hard to have a crazy mom... I'm really sorry you are having a hard time tonight. It isn't fair. :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Moonhawk]

If she is living with you for a month, you don't have too much time to adjust to how much it can really affect living with someone like this.  And it can be a shock, even if you know about the issue already.

 

I am related to someone severely depressed, who has decided not to medicate (reasoned decision, though difficult at times). While you can try and get her to a psychologist that focuses on behavioral therapy, or at least talk to a spiritual leader, you probably will not reap benefits before she leaves.

 

So, my advice is really more hacks to get you through the rest of the visit:

- daily outside time, for everyone.  if it's too hot, go early morning. This gets her more in nature, out of room, Vit D, exercise (even walking to park bench...), and you can walk farther away and still be with her.

- hard or chewable candy, gum, grapes, (basically easy carry, easy pop) for you when you get irritated.  Take a moment, pop in your mouth, suck and think "sweet mouth, sweet words" and figure out what you can say.  or, keep sucking and say nothing :) 

- ask her for more help, if she is doing nothing.  sometimes feeling needed pushes a persons mood up.  fold towels, cut carrots, etc.  depending on family dynamic, ability.

- if she keeps going to irritating topics on purpose, or losing her temper with you, remove from yourself from the situation, and kids. "Oh, need to check the oven" "We've been through that, I need to focus on xyz now" or however you need to do it. Get out of the room, change the subject, start a completely different activity out of left field ("You seem bored with this puzzle mom, let's see how good your guitar hero is!"), etc.

- make a ritual for the 2 of you. tea before bed with chat, crocheting during Matlock, card game, whatever you can do for ~30 min every day together no interruptions. it may be really difficult for you some days, but sometimes having one thing to look forward to can make the day better for her.

- don't take it personally. seriously, it is not you. it is so so easy to be pulled in too, I know.  Don't get on her negative thought train. Derail with a positive counter. "She always complains about the food....I've tried every dish....she never cooked this well when I was a kid..." derail instead with "My food is really good, how sad not to be able to enjoy it." "Nutrition never tasted so good!" (not best examples, but you can kinda see what I mean)

- joke as much as necessary.  even if just in your head, or with the kids, or to an unappreciative audience.  write them down, look at comics, funny movies.  Now is not the time for War and Peace. 

- get away by yourself, or with kids, to regroup and recharge, every day.  don't sacrifice yourself on the altar of daughterly love, a dead daughter won't help anyone.

 

These are only short term coping mechanisms, not made for long term healthy coping.  The candy alone would rot your teeth :) But, getting some control and relief from this situation is what I'm aiming for and I sincerely hope you are able to manage without too much strain.  And, I sincerely hope your mom accepts the help she deserves.

 

You are a good daughter to love her and try to figure out what to do.  Don't sell yourself short or see yourself as anything different from the awesome mom and daughter you are. :)

[J-rap]

I'm sorry she is depressed, and that you are trying to figure out how to deal with it. 

 

Has she always been depressed?  Or has this been since your father died?

 

If she is a "senior," I wonder if you could take her to a local senior community center, where she could be with other people her age and maybe do something interesting and maybe even be inspired to seek help.  Or, some kind of a community education class?  Our town has a lot of those for adults.  If you just signed her up and said she was going, would she go?

 

Could you give her specific projects to do at home?  Clean drawers or other things that you put off?

 

 

[gardenmom5]

 

 

why won't she take it?

does  it cause side effects that make her uncomfortable?

does she think depression is a bunch of hooey?

does she think she'll get more attention if she's 'needy'?

 

has she had a thorough physical looking at nutrient levels to make sure she's not deficient?  hypothyroid (according to the stopthethyroidmadness NOT western medicine's opinon that leaves patients un-/under-treated)

 

have any other potential physical causes been ruled out?

Edited June 26, 2016 by gardenmom5